So part one of this was an emotional affair that turned into a physical one (see May 15th...) So for 3 or 4 months we are trying to reconcile and work through therapy. I went to see her therapist who has a very good reputation and things seemed to go well, he's a tough guy but fair as far as I could tell. He didn't like me checking up on the cell phone bills but I did any way as I got suspicious of a new person that showed up in her life. Anyway this is crazy...

We are in therapy and they are railing on me to commit to the process and regain connection. The focal point of some of the sessions are my lack of trust which my wife is quick to provide evidence for. At our last session (8/24) she chose the topic: improving our sex life. A bit of goodness after DDay but it mostly is a step above masturbation (from what earlier in our relation ship was really really good stuff So basically since May we've been in together or individually 2 times a week. Good stuff, everyone saying the right things. In general I feel pretty good about the therapy though I felt is was focused on me too much (guy thing?)

It turns out that shortly after DDay, maybe 3 weeks this guy shows up and my wife and him get emotional (I suspect more of course but don't have definitive proof). What is crazy about this is that she used her cell phone to talk to him. I figured out the first affair using cell phone bills, she's no dummy so I don't get it. Initially she had a reason to talk to him but the calls kept coming, durations increased. For me I saw the pattern of a call to him, a minute later a call to our babysitter, and then a call back to him. I asked her if she was having an affair and she said I lacked trust ... you can see where this is going. Finally last week our baby sitter left a cell phone bill for her to pay. Turns out she's been borrowing her phone to make even more calls.

Long story short she admitted to an inappropriate relationship (deny's physical, though that is of little consequence) with him. Our therapist who I would have described as fair but slightly biased towards her has come to my 'side', to say the least, in seeing that this therapy has been nothing but a manipulation of me and him. Initially anyway he's got it pegged as a Love/Sex addiction thing. I've read a fair bit on this today and have a clue. Reading down the list of symptoms he seems right on.

I'd really like 'street' input on this from you guys. In May I was deeply hurt, to the core really. I've recently found a great deal of strength and feel strong and confident about myself (which is a BIG change). I am so thankful for whatever clicked in me because another trip through that hell would suck. I am clearly to the point where either outcome would be fine with me, though I want the kids to have a real family life.

So now I'm viewing this as an addiction or sickness. That is good in that I'm detached and am able to put very little burden on my shoulders for her doing this. I feel a strong obligation to work through this (not necessarily reconcile, but to work through it with 100% effort), I also have a strong feeling to say F' you and I'll take the kids, unfortunately I'm the guy so that won't happen. What can I expect from this situation? What should I read? What is the process dealing with addiction/affairs? I'd love to cut my losses but I have 3 great kids (2/4/6) who dearly love their mother. I love her too, the best times of my life were spent with her.

Help.

rb

Wow, RB. Here's the "cut to the chase" version.

SHE needs to figure out why she is doing this, and were I in your shoes, I'd wait until she can tell me. Or until she says "I don't know" one too many times. I think there's no reason for you to continue with the counselor unless it's to verify that she's being open and truthful.

Some men do get custody, but not usually kids as young as yours. (I'm one such father, but I waited from the time kids were 9 and 12 until they were 14 and almost 18. The then-14-year-old has lived with me since.) That's a strong reason to wait.

If you've truly accepted either outcome in your head, then you can place the decision in her hands with clear limits from you. If you wish, you can say "I look at every cellphone bill, every email account, every bank statement, etc. She accounts for all time and all conversations." Or whatever conditions and limits you attach. The crappy sex life you may have to live with until she recommits (out of the fog...figures out what her issues are)...which may be never.

It seems as if you have a good read on things. But I will warn you, I was married to someone who (as I look back on it now) always seemed to need a man besides me that she could share her deepest feelings with. That is not a good partner, or a good partnership, and you can expect and find better for yourself if you so choose.

Good luck.

Chris

Thanks for your support I appreciate it. Tonight I spoke with her. She really does not like the addiction label. REALLY doesn't like it. We'll see if she makes it with this counselor. She fired the last one that questioned her actions.

Tonight she told me why she did it, things were really tough 3 weeks after DDay and the positive attention made her feel good. Man that was hard to hear, I asked her to repeat it twice so I really heard it. F***ing A man. I feel like she is disconnected from reality. I'm not perfect but I'm not sure that she should be expecting me to make her feel wanted 3 weeks after DDay. I as in such a state of depression at the time that I could barely function myself, it was a victory to eat normally and not think of her with him.

I love her which screws things up and I love my kids to death so I'm torn. If it ended though I would not question my ability to lead a happy life and probably choose a better mate.

rb

rb,

When my previous marriage ended, my ex took my daughters to Connecticut they were 2 and 6 at the time. Four years later as a single parent, I got custody when they were 6 and 10. So custody for a single father can happen. It took five court hearings and during an investigation the gardian-ad-litem (sp) found out my ex had cheated.

As for your situation right now, I agree with Chris, she needs to figure out why she is doing what she is doing and has done. A typical reaction from a wandering spouse is to deflect the blame to the faithful spouse.

A truly professional counselor is not going to tell the wandering spouse that what they did was ok. There is no justification for cheating, and if a counselor is going to help a person, then they have to help the wandering spouse understand and accept responsibility for their actions. Not tell them what they want to hear.

My two cents,

Dave

RB

No addict likes the addiciton label. I experienced this with my ex. Two times counselors told him that he had an addiction and needed counseling from someone who specialized in that area. Both times he told me he wouldn't go and didn't have a problem and that was when he wanted to stop going to those counselors. Firing ones who question them is common. Remember, they are trying to convince themselves that what they are doing is okay with about any justification they can come up with.

Another time my ex told me that he could control his porn addiction. My personal counselor who specialized in counseling the spouse of addicts told me that an addict does not have to say they can control something that is NOT an addiction as my ex would tell me. She also told me that almost any addict will say you are controlling them. That is what happened to me.

Unless your W can identify why she's doing what she's doing or until she cares to figure it out, you are likely to feel a little crazy and to not heal. They will manipulate you until you feel crazy.

"Tonight she told me why she did it, things were really tough 3 weeks after DDay and the positive attention made her feel good. Man that was hard to hear"

I'll bet it was hard to hear. Did you tell her that things were really tough for you 3 weeks after D-day too and that you could also decide to have an A to make you feel better?

"I feel like she is disconnected from reality."

She is and many WS's are initially. Some pull out of it and others don't.

"If it ended though I would not question my ability to lead a happy life and probably choose a better mate."

There are several of us who had to get that happy life without our spouses because they could not quit doing what they were doing. RB, things can get better regardless of which way your marriage goes. I am very happy in a single life without my ex now. My kids are well adjusted and happy, my ex and I get along and I like his new W, and I've met an incredible man who I will likely eventually marry. Things can get better.

Charlie

As I'm sure you can tell this has been a pretty trying time, I feel like I'm in a terrible movie. When I've told counselors and a very few close friends I just see this look of ... something on their faces. Shock isn't the right word. Sort of a 'I'm glad I'm not you!" look. Your posts have been great, I appreciate the connection.

The last episode has really helped ground me in the 'it's not my fault' mantra. It has been liberating actually for me. It is going to be a tender dance to get her through this (or me out of this). As I said I'm mentally prepared for either outcome though I'd prefer to work it out.

I actually see two counselors, one for IC and the other for MC. I talked by myself with the MC today. He was great got me thinking somewhat clearly on how to be there. On how not to escalate and isolate. I also saw my IC for the first time in about a month and a half (we went on vacation). She was pretty shocked, especially by the fact that the new OG was not an acquaintance or friend but literally a random guy. She is pretty scared for me. This path is not easy. Both have been very positive about how I'm going about my business which makes me feel good. My IC said she would not have been surprised if I was hiring the toughest gun divorce lawyer in town. Not there yet.

One other thing, please call me Chuck. I'm past being ashamed of it and am now willing to be me out of the closet as it were.