I've only posted here once....but to play catchup. I found out 3 months ago my Husband was having an affair with a co worker. They're nurses. She no longer works on the same unit as he....but they're still in the same hospital. He is pissed because I want him to either transfer, or work elsewhere (he works at a VA hospital.....so red tape/gov't crap, etc). They had sex right there at work. In the friggin parking lot. He just doesn't get how him going to work (at night, 3rd shift) sets me off. I go nuts. Bezerk, I lose it, and cry. I have to take sleeping pills just to sleep when he's at work. I'd love to hear some of your opinions on this situation. My husband has social anxiety, and anything new makes him freak. but I really don't give a rats ass...because he brought this plague upon himself. I've told him I will NEVER heal as long as he's in the same hospital as she is.

Sonia,

My ex worked with his OW, too. They worked in the same department, but not like elbow to elbow with eachother. The thing is - you probably won't feel "comfortable" as long as they come into contact with eachother, no matter how infrequent. Your H probably doesn't understand that and he may never! He doesn't know the anxiety you have about them running into eachother. The area we live in, my ex had a FANTASTIC job and that was his excuse to stay. The real reason was probably something closer to him not wanting to NOT see her. I begged him to quit and he refused. So, every night he went to work, I got the same sick feeling as I did the night I found out. I didn't sleep (he worked 3rds, too). I was a WRECK. Add to that, that the OW's H took a job there to spy on them and called on every break (2 a.m. and 4 a.m.) with a report of all of their activity. Even if I slept, accidentally it wasn't for long!

After his OW divorced her H, the very day actually, she told her H that she was "free to chase" my ex and that they'd begun talking again. I told him to get his stuff and be gone by the time I got home from work. He finally realized that I had drawn my very last line in the sand and never went back to the job. He called a friend in construction and started the next day, with him. He took a BIG pay cut, but you know what, I'd rather live on Ramen Noodles than be miserable about him working with HER.

In the meantime, dear Sonia... keep looking out for YOU. Keep journaling, scrapping, exercising, hanging out with the kids. Do anything you can think of to keep your mind off of it.

The thing is, your H has to realize that he's going to have to make some sacrifices for YOU and the marriage. It's not about him or what makes him comfortable. Change is scary for most people, but sometimes, it is absolutely necessary to bite the bullet and JUST DO IT. This is one of those times. He can tell you all the live long day that he's done with her and doesn't talk to her - and that may be true - but nothing but a transfer or new job is going to give YOU the security you need. Your H was in a new situation when he started that job - he's really going to have to think about taking one for the team and looking for something new. Or, at least get the ball rolling.

I'm so glad you came back, Sonia.

Monica

"I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more"

I was in a little of the same situation. My wife had an affair with at a company function with someone in her company who lived in another state. They still see each other at out of town meetings, probably four times a year. For the first year, i made sure I went with her on those business trips. Since then, I don't go to each one, but I don't like it at all. I put up with it because I trust her; however, I trusted her much more before the affair.

If I had to put up with that feeling every night, I would have all kinds of difficulties; and this happened ~two years ago. My advice is that unless you have complete trust in him, which I would think takes a lot of time; then he must get a new job. In his profession he has lots of choices. Its not like he signed a non-compete and can't get a similar job in the area. He needs to make this choice for you. Like you, I could give a rats ass about his social problems. It seems his social interaction problems aren't too severe, or he would not have been in that parking lot.

Final answer: he starts interviewing at once, gets an offer, and puts in his 2 week notice.

Good luck!