We are coming up on the 1 year mark. I just wish it was that simple. In the past year she has cheated 7 times, all were one night stands. We live in a small town and trust me the stories get around very freely. We have talked, and done MC. But in the end she gets drunk and it happens again. I have tried so hard to hold it together, but I don't know how much more I can do. You can only go on so long with someone telling you that they are so sorry they hurt you, just to do it over and over again. She cheated on our anniversary trip. She has had the nerve to call me to come get her from a hotel in the morning, after I sat by the phone waiting all night. She just said she didn't know what happened.
How long can one person try before they just give up. I have hurt for so long, I just want my wife to love me and respect me they way I do her. It has been 3 mos. since the last time, I have told her that if it's not going to happen again I will stay. But how do you ever trust a promise when you have had so many broken. I know it sounds like I am just venting, I just need a bit of feed back to let me know I am not crazy.
J.
This message has been edited by jacobwny on Dec 21, 2007 8:27 PM
I'm not sure how you would trust after 7 times. When will enough be enough for you? The question we all seem to come to eventually when we can't get what we want from our spouse is that when leaving is easier than staying then we know we're ready to leave.
If your W isn't getting to the bottom of "why" she is doing what she's doing, there is little chance she will correct and stop it. I can't remember if you have children or not but I know it is much more difficult when you do have them to make this decision. I'm certain I would not last after 7 times but only you know when you are ready to end your relationship or try again, no one else can tell you that. I wish I could help with your frustration and pain.
Jacob, sorry you are going thru this. I have some thoughts for you based on what you've said in your post and certainly I don't know your whole story. So if I'm way off base here then just take it with a grain of salt. All I've got to go on is what you have written but, it seems to me that you enable her to be a cheater. Not placing blame here but if she knows that she can call you to come pick her up at a hotel after shacking up with a total stranger and you go pick her up, then that is enabling her behavior from my perspective.
7 times? There's no way I could handle 7 times. When she shacks up with these various affair partners and one night stands she is risking the health of her kid's mother, their dad's health, and possibly her kid's health too, not to mention their emotional health.
Further, what type of message are you giving your kids? If you've got boys, then this is how women are ----- so expect women to cheat on you and you as a H have to suck it up, put up with whatever your wife dishes out. Your boys won't be able to recognize a good woman when they grow up. If you've got girls, then the message is that it is ok to go get drunk and get picked up at a bar and shack up with any willing one night stand looser. Do you want your girls to hang out in bars screwing every Tom, Dick, and Harry? I know that you loved your wife but at this point I'd be asking myself what is it about Jacob that ALLOWS Jacob's wife to walk all over Jacob. She walks all over you because you allow it. That's not love or respect, Jacob. That's something else and its not good.
Sorry for your pain and I'm sorry for my bluntness. I hope you can see my thoughts for what they are and I wish you well.
It sounds as if your wife has an alcohol problem that she does not acknowledge or deal with.
Most of the experiences people have shared on these boards over the years regarding WS who are drug or alcohol abusers have the same ending: sooner or later the BS gets tired of dealing with it.
Jacob, you sound tired and frustrated. Unfortunately, you cannot deal with the problem for her. You cannot love her into sobriety and change.
There is one person you can love enough to change, Jacob, and that person is you. One drunken one-night stand is a mistake. Two is a problem. At least eight (the original affair plus seven more) is something beyond my comprehension. In one way, you are not crazy for feeling at loose ends. But in another way, Jacob, you are kind of crazy for sticking with it.
Only you can decide where your bottom line is. My observation is that things are not getting better, they are getting worse. Is it time for you to change something?
The affairs are probably a secondary (although huge) problem to the disease.
'She gets drunk and it happens again'....not the other way around.
If you divorce/separate will this become a way of life for her in a small town? How horrid. It must be an awful way for her to wake up in the morning and face the day and the community.
Some people in your position attend Alanon meetings to get support and guidance. One idea besides being very hurt and frustrated by her behavior might be for you to read up on the disease if you have not already done this. We have lots of books listed on our RESOURCES page about it. That's because alcoholism and adultery are frequently one big bad entity.
Try not to personalize her behavior or her disease. I know it's next to impossible to do so, but perspective changes on your part will likely be your ticket to recovery.
Jacob, I speak from direct experience on this issue. It took me a long time to 'get it' about my alcoholic partner and what I had to do.
Thanks you all for you honest responses. I know that drinking is a big problem, and that by staying I am only showing her that she can do this and get away with it. My biggest problem is that I don't want to leave her, I can't imagine my life without her. Sad I know, but it's true. I just don't think I can stay and let her keep walking all over me. I never thought about the effect it will have on my boys, I only thought of the stories they may hear down the road. In the last week she has come to me and admitted that her drinking is way out of control, and that she needs help. We have started to look in to AA. I am so lost right now. It has been months since anything happened, and with the holidays I should be happy, but it all just keeps swimming around in my head.
I understand when you say 'should'. Should be happy - after months since anything happened is no time at all. Years since anything happened is even difficult. I'm coming up on d-day number 9. I still struggle with that experience sometimes. Also the thing that happened (adultery) isn't temporary. It's permanent.
There are different ways people deal with it, but many aspects of this are the same. I have observed patterns in recovery after posting, reading, running my own forums, and administrating forums for several years now.
You can not bank on marital recovery from an affair even under the best circumstances. Many start out with a huge disadvantage. Your situation is like mine was. It's a marriage of two people; one with the disease of alcoholism, one with possible serious codependency issues, and neither one of you can control 'it'.
The alcoholic can not control the need to drink, and then no one can control the drunk. All over the news, all the time are stories of consequences. Stories like yours and mine don't make the news, but they are the headline in our lives.
Chris made a good point in that you can not hold your wife's hand in any way through her recovery. AA or whatever mode to sobriety is for her alone. You can read and learn or do Alanon - 'Marriage on the Rocks' or 'Codependent No More' etc. I understand that life with a recovering alcoholic is significantly more difficult than most people anticipate. You assume things will just keep improving, but it's another very bumpy road.
For example (this is roughed in) what ever age your wife was when she started using is the emotional age she is at now. If it was 16, she is an emotional 16-year old. Sobriety could require her to begin growing up from that age....even if she's 50 years old. Then there's the codependent trying to undo those patterns at the same time. Lots-O-WORK.
From the recovering alcoholics I know who remain sober year after year, I see how truly amazing they are. They are some of my favorite people. I also know it's no joke to journey through all of that. For me it was no joke to untangle my codependency.
The affair business was secondary to all of this for me and only another symptom of the disease. Dealing with affairs in a damaged marriage with an active user is like putting a bandaid on cancer. The doc needs to prescribe a whole life style change.
Hope this gives you some ideas. Again, we have good books in our RESOURCES list. If you see one that interests you, ask. Most likely someone here has read it.
hey-how are you--what has happened since the beginning of the year----i know i am very late into this thread, but if you are still around, i would like to know, how your wife was able to get out to have her one night stands--once she had her first one, or at least after you had discovered her first one, and defintly after you had to pick her up from the hotel, you knew of her problem, how was it that you let her out, when did she go looking for these guys, was it day and night, or just at night, -i know you must have had to work---so she was probably on her own but you needed to stop her social life completly, what is happening now as to your situation
