I was dating this guy since 2006, now my boyfriend for 6 months now, i caught my boyfriend cheating on me after so many pieces of evidences that i try to ignore, he was a divorced guy and he was totally shattered when he got divorced 6 years ago. HE is a business man that flies back and forth to Manila from the States every three weeks. So when he is here, i normally sleep over his place to spend time. One time i asked him why there were 2 pairs of slippers at the condo, in red and blue when he was the only one living there. I left my toothbrush on purpose one time there and the following day its gone. Then i saw a strand of hair thinner than mine and even had to say swear saying it was mine. Until i need to get the answers i wanted to know as he would always get mad at me and loose temper when confronted. After researches and investigation and playin Nancy Drew, i learned that he is still seeing this girl from his past, some chic that he met in one of his offices in Manila.


So after so many hours of confrontation he has to admit things as i presented to him the evidences and theres just no way denying it. Even the girl called me and fed me with so much information that i couldnt even take. I know she was playin sci-war with me so i would leave him. My boyfriend admitted his mistakes and said it will never happen again. But the girl is just so crazy over him. My fear is if the girl is the one who make moves to seduce and tempt him, then he will have to do the same.

After so many confrontation, he told me that we need to plan our future for 2008 and thinking of getting married and having a kid. I dont know what to do as i am just trying to trust him again. But its just not easy. I always think he will cheat.

Should i even entertain the thought of marrying him?

Olivia,

All I can say is leave...You have a short history why invest more time with someone who didn't respect you.

I know you love him...but he is cheating and he has done nothing to change himself...the behavior you see now is selfishness and unless he seeks to change his behavior and find out why he seeks out OW he will continue the cheating and lying. He is divorced did he cheat on his first wife? question to ask...

Trust takes time to develop...years, you will never trust him fully again

Sorry so blunt but just want to protect you from further hurt

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I agree with Pat. Recovery from betrayal takes a long time. It would take a long time of perfect behavior on his part for you to trust him again. You will not be able to get there in the year 2008 and probably not trust him as you should in 2009. Better to cut your losses now and move on. I believe that your gut was already telling you this because his track record is not good.

Thanks everyone for the advices.
Just to answer Pats question, no he did not cheat on his ex-wife when i tried asking him. It was more of an issue that resulted from being too workaholic and not having time for her. As he travels back and forth.

But this is the first time i knew he was cheating... dont you think he really deserve a second chance? So dont you think guys, him trying to marry me will not at all change everything about him? BUt why would he try to marry me?

Why would him marrying you change him? What is it about you that will keep him from cheating?

Olivia,

Your thread starts out stating that your boyfriend is good at lying and is a cheat.

Then you ask if you should marry him.

What's your answer?

Imagine having a serious relationship with someone you trust and respect; and then consider marriage and children. Check your self esteem.

Many of us have lived through absolute nightmares after discovering spouses cheating - while having children, sharing a household and finances. Many of us have endured divorce. Some of us have gone bankrupt through the divorce. We have lost houses, retirements and much more. For many of us it has been like an avalanche of losses.

You are with a liar and a cheat now....before marriage, children and financial entanglement. You are asking us if marriage to him is a good idea.

I've been participating on affair recovery forums and running them for 7 years now. I've seen a lot! So based on my experience(s) my answer to you is a definite - no.

I know you are hurting and I know you want to give him another chance, but I so agree with the others. There is more to a marriage than love! If fidelity does not exist prior to marriage, marriage is not going to change that part about him. And if he didnt have time for his ex-wife, unless he has been cured of his workoholism (regardless of previous or current job, a workoholic is a workoholic), he will eventually not have time for you either. I've been there! Plus, how do you know 100% for sure he did not cheat on his wife? Because he said so? Even if you talked to the ex-wife she may not have known or even suspected he was cheating. My WH is a workoholic...never had time for me and the kids...I was truly shocked that he had time to cheat (and so was everyone who knew him). If there is a will there is a way...they will make time somehow someway, usually by taking what little time they do have away from their wives (and family)!

About getting married, some guys just need a wife to feel they have a house to come home to and someone waiting for them...affairs are not about that...they are about a fantasy and are not based in reality. He is dangling the carrot in front of your face...dont bite! Tempting, yes...but wise....NO! You have only been together a short time...marriage is supposed to be for life. Cheating is not a good way to start the rest of your lives together. If I had known my WH cheated on me prior to marriage when I had less invested in him (time...were talking 18 years, kids, a home, family, and business) I would have run (not walked) as fast I could away from him. You deserve better!

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

EDITED TO ADD: This OW may be crazy about him....she may try to seduce him....but ultimately it his choice to cheat or not...he chose to cheat...it really is that simple! He could have and should have said NO! But he didnt did he? Is this the type of eprson you really want to marry..one who cannot avoid temptation? I am sure she was not the first nor the last woman that has come on to him. What happens next time some woman wants him...after you are married? Cheating is cheating whether you are married or not...a piece of paper and a few vows are not going to suddenly stop him from being tempted...in fact it could maek it even that more tempting (forbiden fruit and all that). Seriously think about what you want in a husband...is this guy really it? Like I said, there is more to marriage than just being in-love. It requires commitment and work to keep a marriage going. Is he ready and capable of that? It doesnt sound like he is.

Thanks a lot guys, i was very enlightened with all your comments and i know you guys are right. You are right. No one can change the way he was made... Thanks a lot. REally appreciate the guidance.

If the lying and cheating is his best behaviour, what happens after the wedding when people let their guard down?

I know it hurts, but at this point you have a relatively small amount of time invested. Letting go now is likely the easiest route, in comparison to having to do it later when there are kids, houses, family etc involved.

People who are remorseful and do everything in their power to make up for the hurt and damage they have caused "may" deserve a second chance. Only you know what he is doing to make up for his actions, but rushing into marriage doesn't seem to me like a remorseful person. It seems rather selfish and manipulative. He wants to throw you a bone so you will be happy enough to ignore his actions and stop pressuring him. He wants to ensure that he can keep his cake and eat it to.

Just because he "says" his first marriage didn't end because of an affair means nothing. If it did, why would he admit it to you?? He has already proven himself a liar.

K