My D-Day was July 6th 2007

Ok, I'm married to a soldier who was deployed to Iraq. We have been married 5 years....and we aren't "young pups". I'm the "love sick, romantic" type. When he comes home....I great him at the door....I enjoying "taking care" of him...and we are very "physically active". When he left for Iraq...things were good.....we don't fight a lot and we communicate very well. He is the type most people really like and most soldiers look up to. This isn't my first marriage and I'm not "naive' " to the ways of life, but I really trusted him. When he deployed I made sure he had a laptop....webcam and all the stuff..including paying for "haji" internet access over there, so we could talk as much as possible and stay "connected". Just a few months in...he stopped coming online to talk to me as much....and while I would get a phone call every now and then....(most wives were getting them 3 times a week). Mind you, my husband stayed on the FOB and had complete access to phones with no waiting, but he told me he just didn't have time. I felt bad for him....( i was so pathetic as to curl up in the seat of his truck to be close to just the "smell" of him, and cry myself to sleep)Then about 3 months into his deployment he stopped coming online to im with me and I would get these generic one line e-mails that were signed with three dots and his initial rather than his name, which is how he usually signed e-mails.
I got this sick feeling in my stomach...and I just "knew" what was going on.
I kept trying to talk myself out of it....saying poor him, he's just really busy....I kept sending the care packages weekly. Now, you have to understand my husband has never been one to wear cologne or worry about "vain" stuff..to the point I have to spray him with cologne because I love the smell of a clean man. In one of his 2 line e-mails he asked for body spray and teeth whitening strips???? This sent off major bells...because that is so not him.
I didn't want to accuse him....when we weren't really even talking and I knew he would be coming home on leave soon. So, I cried, threw up.....didn't sleep biding my time until the 4 month mark when he came home on leave. I met him at the airport...and he was drunk??? Now, they aren't supposed to drink in uniform...so I was like wtf?
He giggled and said a "sweetheart" of a stewardess...snuck him beer in foam coffee cups on the flight home. Well.....I didn't want to focus on any of that..stuff ...so we came home...and of course I missed him...so we started to be "intimate"....and he was having ....ummmm....issues? He coudn't get it up.....I was devastated...but didn't want to hurt his ego...or jump in his case....I just wanted to be close to him....but inside "I knew" Now , I have always been the type to leave him messages to find at later times..in his notebook or truck, or backpack.....so....he left to go check in to the unit on base...after he had been home a couple of days. I got his notebook out of his backpack and started to flip the pages to leave hearts and I love you's, and out fell a slip of paper with a cell# and a an e-mail address....and from the connotation of the address you could tell it belonged to a stewardess.
I threw up....

When he got home I showed him the piece of paper and asked why he would have her phone number and her e-mail...and he's like..oh, she's just supportive of us soldiers...and such a sweetheart. He backed me into a corner and yelled at me that I was insecure and making something out of nothing...blah ...blah..blah. He looked me directly in the eyes and swore nothing was happening. I didn't bring it up again....and he pretended like everything was perfect between us....but the whole 14 days he was home....he had a hard time being intimate. So, he went back to Iraq. Again, no im's ...very short e-mails with the weird signature....then....he get's compassionate reassignment because his mother's health isn't good..and gets sent home early. this was aprox 1 month and a half of being back in Iraq. I had e-mailed the lady at the address...I found....and told her I was his wife...and I didn't appreciate her "supporting" my husband. She e-mailed me back and assured me nothing was going on as she too was married...and she was just being "friendly" that she would never do that to another woman. I wanted to believer her.
When my husband got home.....he brought the laptop back...stating he had a friend "clean" it because he was going to "sell" it to a soldier over there...but the guy had backed out at the last minute. Well...that just didn't sound right to me at all...and I'm pretty good with computers....so....he went to check into the unit on base...and I got into his laptop....and brought up his e-mail accounts...and im's and pics stored on his computer. I hacked into the 2 fake account he had set up in Iraq and found like 5 different women he had been talking to....and there were recent e-mails that they had e-mailed that contained all of his previous e-mail conversations with them.
He came home and I showed him what I had found and told him he'd better spill the truth or I was leaving right there. He confessed that he had "hooked" up with one lady over there ...a contractor on his FOB a couple of times in March, and since I had e-mails from the stewardess talking about how he wished she had let him kiss her...and he wondered how much further it could have went...he said yeah that happened..and that he was "flirting" online with these other females but that was all that had happened. I processed this for a couple of weeks...crying alot....sick so much.
Then his "boxes" from Iraq his stuff he mailed home....started arriving ..and in it was his sheets and uniforms.....and I started washing them for him...and out comes all of this long red hair...my hair is super short. The one he had confessed to ....had happened way back and she had long black hair...so ...uh oh.....more lies.....
so I asked him....he denied, and denied.....I'm not the drama fighting type...I quietly ask..and then just let it go....and ask again later...I was trying to give him every chance to be honest with me. Finally, he admitted he's slept with another female soldier in the few weeks after he went back from leave.
So....now here I am 6 months after discovery....and I'm still so shaken....feel so worthless......so hurt.....and scared....I have no self-esteem...and the only thing he can say..is,,,it was just sex....it felt good that these women would flirt with him....and that it has nothing to do with me. I feel like he threw me and our 2 sons away...over there....for sex?
He didn't even "like" these women...they weren't nice....I've seen pics...they weren't "pretty".....they were simply just "easy"
Please...I'm 33...and I'm so lost.....help.

Wow.

I guess if you take out "deployed military" and just put in "travels for work", it's an old story.

You are definitely not crazy; we've all felt as you're feeling now, not sure if we can trust a partner.

Do you think you have the whole story now? What does your H say he wants? What do YOU want?

Chris.

I also had a military husband. I caught him having a major A with another woman in his command after being married for 13 years. I ended up finding out that there was even an A the first year I was married to him after my initial discovery. I completely trusted him too. I'm not saying your spouse has done this or more but I just want to tell you not to be surprised if you find out more later on. Sorry this had happened to you. I know I can't be with anyone who is going to be away for work anymore. I just can't take that lifestyle anymore. I suppose I still do have some trust issues or maybe am trying to prevent what happened before??

Sorry you find yourself in this position.

Charlie

I want to matter...I want to be loved...I want to be more than "just here"....I want to be the light of a man's life.....I want someone to "really" love me...not just use me ....I want passion....I still want to believe love exists....

What he wants.....he says he wants me...wants this to work....that it only happened because he was "over there" and his state of mind was bad...etc.

Please, guys, don't be offended by this question...but do "men" really fall in love....are they capable

This is a gentle "gotcha". I'm sure you can't tell from my post or my name...I'm a man.

The answer is yes, real men really do fall in love. And say so. And show it.

To your other points:

>>I want to matter...I want to be loved...I want to be more than "just here"....I want to be the light of a man's life.....I want someone to "really" love me...not just use me ....I want passion....I still want to believe love exists....<<<

How do you know when you're the light of someone's life?

How do you know when someone really loves you?

Does "passion" mean "hot sex" to you?

And the really big question: do you still believe love exists IN YOU for your husband? (That's not a "gotcha"; many of us questioned whether we could or did still love a WS.)

Chris.

"How do you know when you're the light of someone's life?"

They treat you with respect...and do "little things" to let you know you matter....

"How do you know when someone really loves you?"
I can't answer this one, I have no idea

"Does "passion" mean "hot sex" to you?"
No, passion, to me, means...intimacy...(yes, there's a difference)....a spark, it's the wanting to hold after he's got his...or even...wanting to ...without the sex...

And the really big question: do you still believe love exists IN YOU for your husband? (That's not a "gotcha"; many of us questioned whether we could or did still love a WS.)
Yes...I still love him.....but I don't respect him...and I feel like I may not really know him at all.

Chris.

"How do you know when you're the light of someone's life?" They treat you with respect...and do "little things" to let you know you matter....

--> So does your husband do this?


"How do you know when someone really loves you?" I can't answer this one, I have no idea

--> See questions above and below.


"Does "passion" mean "hot sex" to you?" No, passion, to me, means...intimacy...(yes, there's a difference)....a spark, it's the wanting to hold after he's got his...or even...wanting to ...without the sex...

--> Speaking from my own experience, some men don't really understand how important this is for their wives without being told (gently, of course). It is not uncommon for men to think of "sex" and "intimacy" as the same thing.

I don't quite understand how a "spark" and that close, holding warmth and "intimacy" go together, though. If the woman in my life said something about "sparks" it would have a completely different meaning to me.


"And the really big question: do you still believe love exists IN YOU for your husband? (That's not a "gotcha"; many of us questioned whether we could or did still love a WS.)" Yes...I still love him.....but I don't respect him...and I feel like I may not really know him at all.

--> How can you love someone you don't respect and don't really know?

Chris.