I found out 10 days ago that my wife of 20 yrs had an affair . She had a terrible headache for a week and I was worried about her health . She finally told me she had an affair and that it just happened and she didnt plan it . YA right ! I am severly angered and hurt over this . I even wanted her to give me the phone number of the other man so I could inform his wife. I have a pretty good idea of who it was even though she wont tell me . I am so PISSED OFF over this. I have chewed her ass 3 or 4 times already and told her I dont trust her and not to waste my time with a marriage counselor if it is going to be a futile effort . I offered her a divorce but we have 2 children and I told her I would try to work it out for their sake . I am being HIGHLY blamed for this affair by her with statements such as you live in your own bubble and dont care about me ,you dont do your fair share with the house and the kids etc. etc. I may have made mistakes but she has a BRAIN of her own ! Why am I being blamed for all of this ? Should I take any responsiblity when we talk to the counselor ? I may of screwed up but at least I didnt break my wedding vows !
I need some advice on what to do . I feel so messed up over this . DB
I'm sorry your joining a club you didn't want to, but glad you found support. You should absolutely NOT be blamed for her Affair, that one is completely on her! You didn't tell her to go out and have an Affair and if she didn't talk to you beforehand about what the problems were, then she's being unreasonable. On the other hand, it won't hurt to look at the state of your marriage before her affair so you can work on any issues you both had in your marriage.
Your wife needs to look within herself to figure out why she did this. They often (almost always from what I've seen) blame in on the other spouse at first. Some betrayers have the ability to figure it out and learn from it with or without counseling and some don't care to deal with it. Your wife is likely trying to defend her actions now because of guilt. Betrayers or former betrayers don't want to believe that they are at fault or did something wrong. They rationalize how it was okay because of their guilt. Some come to realize in time how hurtful and horrible what they did was and some don't. They are often in denial at first. Usually, you will get bits and pieces of what happened for a long drawn out time period. It stinks, but that is how it usually works. They are too afraid to tell the whole story at first because of their spouses anger. Working on talking to her versus fuming anger at her and calling her names (if you do - it's common) will help her talk more to you. I know that is hard at first - I wished my ex had gotten into a car accident and died when I found out but he didn't tell me of his affair, I figured it out on my own. To me, that was worse. I don't feel that way now. Time helps you heal regardless of which direction you take. Some couples can form a good marriage after the fact and some can't.
Regarding telling the other man. Make sure you do it for the right reasons if you decide to. I did call my ex's affair partner's husband the night I found out. I'm glad I did as it made both of them accountable to their spouses but I was not doing it in anger. I just wanted him to know what his wife was up to and felt he had the right to know as I would want to know if someone else found out. I wasn't doing it to hurt anyone or lash out.
You and your wife might benefit from reading some of the books on our resources part of the site located on the HOME page on the top. "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahams is a good book for both of you to read.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Apr 16, 2008 12:10 PM
"I am being HIGHLY blamed for this affair by her with statements such as you live in your own bubble and dont care about me ,you dont do your fair share with the house and the kids etc. etc."
Your wife's reaction to getting caught is as common as mud.
No. An affair does not belong to someone whe didn't have it and it certainly isn't any way to resolve marital problems and issues. Talk about digging yourself in deeper.
I feel for you. Sounds like it could get more complicated fast as the OM is married too.
This is a terrible experience and it often takes people years to regain their footing. Many marriages don't make it, but the ones that do require the wayward spouse to work their way completely out of their own fog and commit 100% to the recovery efforts.
Just for the record (because I tried it with an alcoholic), recovery and substance abuse can become reciprocals in a bad way.
Plan it or not, it was still a decision that she made to have an affair. They don't just happen. Likewise the OM made his decision to be a part of that affair. Blaming the other spouse is very common. In fact, I don't believe I've ever heard about an affair that the wayward spouse didn't start off by blaming their spouse for their stupid decision. My wife had an affair with a co-worker after we'd been married 31 years. OM and his wife had been married 32 years. And yes, it was all my fault from my wife's early perspective and OM's wife was at fault for him going outside their marriage. The difference is, his wife bought that BS and I didn't.
But what is coming next is just as much fun. Your wife will give you a long list of reasons and justifications as to why she gave herself permission to have an affair. Those justifications will probably boggle your mind if they are anything like what I heard. Chances are nothing about her having an affair will make sense to you and if you're anything like the most of us, you will spend countless arguments and discussions trying to figure out why she did it. You will have to work your own way thru this but I wish I could save you the trouble by just saying that "it will never make sense to you".
The Discovery Board is for the betrayed only to post so I've moved Cyndee's post to the OPEN board so that DB may check her response there if he chooses. Often when someone has recently been betrayed, their feelings are fairly raw for a while and they may or may not want to discuss things with a betraying or former betraying spouse. We like to leave that up to our members to decide.
Moderator
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Apr 17, 2008 12:50 AM This message has been edited by charlie288 on Apr 17, 2008 12:30 AM
I have now been to the counselor twice and dont feel much better . The counselor told me that it will take alot of work beyond 2 visits to make any progress . The counselor is a woman and it feels like I get tag teamed alot by her and the wife. Maybe its just my anger thats causing me to see things this way . We are barely talking at home to each other and I go between I need to get divorced to I need to work this out . This whole thing is humiliating ,scary , and generally just blows my mind . My life was complicated enough without this also to deal with . THANKS to everyone who has responded so far . DB
DB, you might want to think about individual counseling. Marriage counseling right after discovery of an affair is like a bandaid on a bleeding artery. Its way too little and way too late for marriage counseling. You're suffering from a traumatic event which will probably result in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for you some where down the line if you're anything like the rest of us. Marriage counselors are for when a marriage is in trouble before someone has committed infidelity. I suspect that you need counseling to deal with anger issues and someone you can vent to. Your wife, OTOH, needs to work on why she gave herself permission to have an affair. If she wants to find out because she is sincerely remorseful, her counseling will probably take a while because more than likely she is gonna have to delve way back into her childhood and deal with her inner child issues. Marriage counseling at this point will probably just be frustrating for you because marriage counselors want to deal with marital issues (share the household chores etc.) and want to move away from the affair way too early, after a couple of sessions while you still want to talk about the affair and why. Then your wife will accuse you of not trying and "just get over it" statements will fly around the room. It will indeed feel like you are being tag teamed by the counselor and your wife, even if it were a male counselor. That is the way they operate. Of course they don't tell you that when you call them for an appointment. It's best if you interview a counselor until you find one that has dealt extensively with adultery in marriages, not a marriage counselor.
Some compare PTSD from discovery of an affair as drastic as war veterans who've seen their buddies killed in action, like someone who was in a car wreck and lost a limb. It's that dramatic of an event. It changes your life and how you will live from now on.
The marriage counselor wanted us to spend 15 minutes talking to each other uninterupted about whatever we wanted . I thought it would be a good time for me to start building some more trust for her by asking calmly if she would tell me how this
affair started and progressed. I even told her I take full responsibility for the problems that I have caused on my end with lack of communication , intimacy etc.
MAJOR mistake ! She got extremely angry , would tell me absolutely nothing and started attacking me for a host of past problems that yes I did admit to her that I was responsible for and I apologized to her for all of them . She stated that I was looking for more information so I could attack her again. NOT TRUE! I also see a counselor on my own for anxiety disorder that I admit caused us many problems . She says the counselor and I are ganging up on her and that the affair and my problem are seperate issues . Well if my problem helped cause what happened how am I supposed to keep all of this seperated ? WHATS going on with her ?? I dont understand. Can anyone from the outside looking in tell me what I am missing or doing ? Am I wrong with what I am doing ? Thanks , DB
Ok, outside of what you view as your problems and outside of what she views as your problems, you have the biggest marital problem ever - and that is adultery. The only thing that might trump it is physical abuse.
When seeking professional help and marital counseling, you have to be careful. It's dicey to say the least. Marital counselors can be disastrous. They can also be very helpful. I would go so far as to say that if the therapist has not experienced adultery his/herself and the marriage survived (more than 5 years) they may not be qualified in terms of training or experience to render advice to a couple under this type of extreme crisis.
What would have happened if your thearapist had worked with each of you individually first and then brought you together for a guided 15-minute free-for-all?
'The Monogamy Myth' is a very good book and was written by Peggy Vaughan. Her web site is:
You might want to look at this page on her site. It shows some interesting survey results. I do not know how many years of follow-up was done for couples who stayed married. Many couples seem to end up divorced in time - but certainly not all.
This is a list of recommended therapists collected by Peggy. Maybe there's one in your area if you need to make changes. Many people end up seeing more than one:
My ex-wife also had an affair after 20 years of marriage. We also have two children. I was also blamed for her affair. I didn't tell her she was pretty often enough, etc. etc. etc.
I agree with H2C that individual counseling is worth considering. I know of few people who found marriage counseling helpful after an affair. There are few marriage counselors who "get it" IMHO. I tried four of'm.
The way I see it, almost all unfaithful spouses feel profoundly guilty and ashamed. People have various ways to deal with that kind of profound sense of shame and few of them are pretty. Some of the most common include silence, rage, bargaining, denial, minimizing, switching the blame. Expect to see the infidelity issue obscured by a barrage of criticism. The issue will no longer be the affair. The major problem in your marriage is likely to become your insistence on talking about the affair, your inability to forgive the affair, and your need to punish your wife forever and without mercy, amen. In short, expect the problem to be you. Another favorite tactic of the unfaithful is sometimes referred to as "even stevens". This is a form of minimizing in which the unfaithful spouse finds ways in which you have been equally "unfaithful" or ways in which your behavior has been equally harmful etc. etc. etc.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose affair hath been revealed.
It is rare for an unfaithful spouse not to hold the betrayed spouse responsible for an affair, at least initially. It is also very common for the unfaithful spouse to attack the betrayed spouse. You have no idea how many enormous faults you have and how difficult you have been to put up with for the these past 20 years. You may not be the worst husband ever to walk the planet, but you come pretty damn close. Expect to see many small resentments magnified and your marital history rewritten to the point that it becomes unrecognizable. I tend to think that kind of anger isn't really about the betrayed spouse at all, even though that probably won't make you feel any better about it at this point.
Rest assured that your wife's affair wasn't caused by you, your anxiety disorder, or any of your many, enourmous faults. There is only one person that could have kept your wife faithful and that person isn't you. Nevertheless, you should expect to be blamed for your wife's affair and not just by your wife. It will take some time for her to be willing or able to take responsibility for her own actions. Don't expect much help from your marriage counselor in that regard. More often than not, marriage counselors feel that there is some benefit to spreading the responsibility around. They may be correct that it is simply too much for one person to bear that burden.
You aren't missing anything. You aren't doing anything wrong. Expect your wife to behave like a total nut job for a good long time. Expect to be thoroughly confused for a good long time. Do yourself a favor and try not to be too hard on yourself. It will be impossible not to be too hard on yourself. You probably will blame yourself mercilessly for many things for which you are not responsible. Expect your wife to encourage you in that regard.
Affair recovery is not for the faint of heart. It is very much like waking up into a world that has gone completely mad. If you don't question your own sanity constantly, there is something very wrong with you. It is impossible to hold on to your center under these circumstances but it is still worth making the effort. This could very well be the most difficult thing that you ever do.
You are very lucky in one very important way. Your wife revealed her affair by her own choice. She deserves one very big bowl of credit for that. That may not count for much now but it will become very important to you in the future. Admitting an affair isn't easy. That took a whole lot of guts and character and honesty.
too bad, so sad-----i feel badly for what you are going thru-------if you want to reconcile your marriage----you must take complete control of your situation-------actually your wife has NO RIGHTS in this matter----she doesn't get to lay blame, she doesn't get to set conditions---she doesn't get to do anything but say how high, when you say jump---------she needs to reveal every little detail of the affair from how it started, thru to its finish, detailing everything, including the sex------her thoughts as to what she was thinking while going thru these various actions, she needs to tell you if she ever thought of her family while she was in the various acts of the affair-------she needs to be completly transparent, --she gets no time to be by herself-----she helps you with every one of your pain spikes, everytime they occur, for as long and many times as they will occur------the reasoning behind her telling you every detail of the affair is so you can hear it, which gets rid of your doubts as to what actually did happen, also this will finally put this part of the affair behind you, and you will move on easier-----------YOU MUST TAKE CONTROL, of your situation, if she doesn't like it TOO BAD, she caused the ripping apart of your lives, she could have come to you and done a number of things to get your attention, as to her problems-----instead she chose to give herself to another man---no matter what you did, she had no right to have an affair, worst case if she didn't want the marriage she could have asked for seperation, or divorce-before giving herself to another man----------you are going back and forth about counseling etc.-------you know exactly what you must do to reconcile this or to end this, so you just need to take control, and tell her she either helps you save the marriage, or she leaves, bottom line those are the options
