3 monhts ago I found out my husband of 14 years was having an emotional affair with a friend we have known since high school.Not only is this woman a friend she is my husbands best friends wife. The four of us have done so much together she is like an aunt to our children. These are the people who are my childrens god parents.The affair lasted for about 4 months that I can see. I found out the horrifying news on my cell phone bill. They would text and call each other all day. There a a few times they would stay up all night texting each other. Sometimes sending erotic pictures to each other.
I have so much hostility towards not only this woman but also to my husband. I send her a letter about my felings in all of this and her reply was well I have known him longer then you so I have the right to talk to him how ever I want to.According to her I have done bad things to her in the past ( havent figured out what it is that I have done to her yet)so she feels justified in doing what she has done. Not only has my marriage fallen apart but we have lost long time friends because of stupidity.I feel like a damn fool for not seeing it sooner. She and her family had moved an hour away and we didnt much of them for a little while. Then all of a sudden she was everywhere. My sons football games, my birthday party, everywhere we had plans to go she was going to be there my by husbands invite. I guess hindsite is 20/20 but I feel like an idiot for not seeing this coming. Now my anger and resentment is eating away at me. I want to know if she is as misserable as I am.I cant seem to not think about her and her family. its slowly killing me.
Please take time to check out our "resources" and other posts. There are many people here who've been through discovery of a spouse's affair, and we all remember what it feels like in those first few days, weeks, and months.
Feel free to ask questions, vent anger, or anything else you need to do.
Here's one important piece of advice: take care of yourself and your family.
Eat properly, even if you don't have much appetite or if you feel like gorging on comfort food.
Try to rest.
Stay away from alcohol and drugs.
Take care of your kids and keep them out of it.
There's much more to consider, but those are good starting places.
I'm sad to see another person go through this. One thing I'd like to add to what Chris wrote is that often the betrayed are told that it was just an emotional affair to later find out it was much more. I'm not trying to say that it is, only to let you know that there is often more to the story that comes out later.
The other thing I'd like to tell you is that most, if not all betrayers and the OP (other person) will justify the reasons they had their affairs because they are on the defense initially. Most of the betrayed here have been blamed for their partners A (affair) at first and then later when the betrayer stops justifying, they may start to feel guilty about what they did - if you're lucky. Don't let them blame it on you because it isn't about you. It's about a horrible decision your spouse made and pure selfishness.
Hang in there and please ask as many questions as you wish. There haven't been a lot of posts lately but we all still check often and there are years worth of wisdom in dealing with A's here.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on May 1, 2008 9:47 PM
Thank you both! Everyone keeps saying it gets easier with time. Thats a lie. I keep trying to remind myself he screwed up for 4 months, so I am allowed to have twice that time to heal.There is a song I listen to daily to remind myself that I can forgive and over time I can forget.I feel like a loved one has died, like there is a disease in my marriage and I cant find a cure.My husband who has a terrific memory all of a sudden cant remember a single thing. I have asked him questions about his conversations with her. What they talked about all day and night long and he says I cant remember. How convenient.I guess my biggest struggle is just learning to not think about her. What is it she gave to my husband that I couldnt. I guess these are the
questions I need my husband to answer and he seems not to be able to.
Missy, be sure you really want to hear those answers. And then be sure that your H can deliver them safely. If his answering brings on a temper tantrum from you, he'll clam up and never tell you another thing.
I really didn't want a whole lot of details, as I was never sure I could deal with the mental pictures or the anger.
Most wayward spouses can't remember anything - all of a sudden. When you get frustrated with that, please understand - your experience is exactly like many of ours. There are common patterns of behavior in this crisis although when it happens to you, everything is new and for the first time.
'She' will never feel as miserable as you do. I understand that concern, but it doesn't work that way. Don't even equate yourself! 'She' will locate her own 'miserable' in time, but it won't be the same experience as yours. The most likely outcome over time will be that you will be able to clear this eventually (takes a lot of time), but her conduct will stick to her like a tattoo and that will be her personal challenge. Sounds like she's attempting to deflect blame and guilt onto you right now. It won't work.
