Hi sucks to be here, not even sure if i belong here, I do know I need to get things out, I know in the past it just helps to write things out to others who have been there emotionally before me. The pain I am feeling I am sure is very familiar to all of you.
A week ago my bf of almost 2 years whom I live with told me he didn't know what he wanted, wanted to be alone etc. this all came after I confronted him and questioned him about some text's and phone calls on his phone.
I am 43 years old he is 46 years old, I felt like I was confronting an 8 year old! It was lie after lie, he couldn't keep up with his lies, his one consistency was he didn't know what he wanted but it had nothing to do with me.
He finally admitted that he had a "friend" from work just a friend, nothing else and they only had contact twice.
Fast forward a week, he now claims he made the BIGGEST mistake is going to change, do everything it takes and finally disclosed everything so he claims. He keeps saying he knows the pain I feel, I seriously doubt it.
I am in a tailspin, I seriously don't know what to do, I love him, but the pain I feel is horrendous. One minute I feel like I could scratch is eyes out, the next I want him to hold me and make it all better. It hurts to be with him, and the thought of not having him in my life hurts. I know I can't possibly make a decision at this time with how I feel. I do feel I can't stay committed to him at this time. He is not commitment worthy in my eyes right now. I have had a difficult time sleeping, eating, I wake up after a few hours with thoughts of him and her talking, together etc.
I do love him that didn't change, but its so tarnished now. I have lost so much respect for him I can't see ever trusting him again.
He keeps saying he is going to make it up to me and do everything it takes, but i know he doesn't have a clue as to what that is.
The thing that really sucks is he works with this girl, he does most of his work outside and she is inside so i am told,that's no consolation to me, It all feels sickening to me, even the mention of her name makes me feel knots in my stomach.
The fact that she knew he was in a committed relationship just makes me ill also,that and he must of made her feel so special and so important that she was worth it, what kind of character of a person is that???
he told her he was moving out we had problems etc. funny thing was I didn't know he was moving out! It's so hurtful that he felt she deserved to knew more about my life then I did!
He claims he only kissed her on the check once, and this hasn't gone on long, who knows? at this point his tongue would have to come notarized, I don't even know if he considers it cheating but i sure do, cause cheating to him would probably mean "sex".. He told me it made him feel good, she was attractive, funny, he liked her personality, when he said those things it hurt to the core, in all fairness it was in response to me asking.
I am not sure he gets the fantasy in it all, I tried to explain it how its la la land make pretend shit, it saddens me that screwing around behind my back, and texting sexually is what made him "feel" good,that was the kind of girl he wanted, he found "fun".. someone who can go there during work hours with another womans man and talk dirty. amazing.
well I just wanted a place to vent, cause I know he doesn't get my anger or saddness right now, although he claims he does, I suppose if he is on the up and up and will learn real quick.
