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WHat do i do now asap.

October 10 2008 at 4:42 PM
Jen  (Login jen73)

 
Been married 20 with 2 kids, hes been having an A for past year and a half off and on. Found out at 6 months. Keeps getting caught. Promises he loves me and wants the marriage for past year. However, he is now in a corner because she and i communicate now, tells me he loves her says he feels like he can be someone else with her. Left last night. Why was he telling me he loved me and trying to make it work for the past year with me? Is he just running to her because that's the easy way out in this moment? She being happy to see him, and me being angry. Now I don't want to talk to him, should i give him the silent treatment and for how long or should I do something else? What did you do and what happened? I begged him to stay he saw me at my most desperate hour. Still left.

 
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Anonymous
(Login chris924)
ADRa

Re: WHat do i do now asap.

October 10 2008, 8:27 PM 

Jen,

First off, I'm sorry you had to find us. Everyone here remembers the pain of discovery and the confusion about what a WS "really means" when they say "I love you".

We all remember the desperate desire to hold on, to reconnect.

But the problem for you is...he never disconnected from his affair partner.

The first thing everyone will say to you is that your H has to establish and you have to enforce a rule of "NO CONTACT". Not "no sex", not "no face-to-face discussions", but NO CONTACT AT ALL.

That's the first, immediate hurdle after affair discovery.

Except...he's left. One choice, if you don't need to have contact with him on a regular basis to deal with financial and child-raising issues, is for you to severely limit contact. That forces him to deal with his honey and to see what life with her could be like.

Another choice, if you feel at the end of your rope...if you have tried everything...and he is still chasing her: consider legal separation or divorce. If you want to go that direction, some places have free legal clinics or lawyer help lines, as well as lawyer referral services.

No matter what, there are no easy answers and no easy choices.

Tell us more about how you feel and what you think you might want to do, and maybe we can help guide you.

Again, sorry you find yourself in the club no one wants to join.

Chris.

 
 
jen73
(Login jen73)

Re: WHat do i do now asap.

October 10 2008, 9:03 PM 

Thank you. Your advice is exactly what my friend has told me to do at this point. it is very hard not to want to call him, but I see your point. But the question is do I want him back if he even tried.

 
 
Anonymous
(Login chris924)
ADRa

re: what to do

October 11 2008, 8:18 AM 

Jen, most of us would tell you not to make a permanent decision unless you're sure you've "tried everything". I'm guessing you don't want a permanent "yo-yo" relationship? Or do you really know what you want?

Chris.

 
 

Kid
(Login Canuck_Kid)

Re: WHat do i do now asap.

October 11 2008, 9:07 AM 

All the books will tell you, don't make any major decisions for about 6 months. You don't need to decide right now if you want him back. Spend some time reading, find a good therapist if you can and work through the answer to that question. You may find that the answer differs depending on his actions, and your state of recovery.

Concentrate on you right now. I agree with Chris in that I would cut off as much contact with him as you can. Let him see that the grass is truly not greener on the otherside. But remember, he did this not you so it is his job to make amends, be remorseful and ask for a spot back in your life. In my experience begging them to come home only has the opposite affect.

In order for you to rebuild a marriage, and yes it is possible, you need him to come back ready and willing to do everything and anything he can to repair it including looking deep inside himself to examine what he was trying to fulfill in himself by stepping out.

Affairs are selfish. They are about him, not you. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing you could have done to change this. He is looking for something that is missing from him. We often blame ourselves or find fault in what we've done as a BS, but don't. He needs to own his own behaviours.

Get some exercise, lots of sleep, eat and take good care of yourself. You will need your strength.

Welcome to the place none of us wanted to be.

Kid

 
 
Anonymous
(Login charlie288)
ADRm

Re: WHat do i do now asap.

October 17 2008, 11:15 PM 

I'm sorry you find yourself here but am glad you found us. Chris and Kid are 100% right, you need to let him miss you and that won't happen as long as you make it easy for him. Reality will set in when he's dealing only with her. I kicked my ex out after I caught him and he did end up begging to come back. Sadly, he couldn't be honest anyway so about a year and a half later it ended anyway.

Charlie

 
 
 
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