I found out about my H affair 16 months ago and am still struggling. We are still married and want to stay married. He is consumed with guilt and feels I would be better off with someone I could trust. . . a better man. I do love him, but still have a lot of anger and resentment. I know almost all the details and I have trouble with just about everything triggering my memory of something about their relationship. I guess I just wanted to talk about it with someone who can relate to what I am going through.

Welcome...we've all been where you are. Especially the "triggers". I won't lie: it takes a long while to get past those.

What's he doing and saying now?

Chris.

I agree with Chris - it takes a long time to get past the triggering. Your anger is completely understandable. Your marriage has been forever altered and you had no choice in the matter. He did have a choice and that's what's so infuriating. I'm sure he told you that he didn't intend to hurt you, and that's probably true, but it doesn't matter. Deep down you know that he knew it was going to be devastating when you found out. He did it anyway. And that's what you have to come to terms with. And it may take a long time. It may take some professional counseling. Everyone deals with it in their own time, in their own way.

Something you said concerns me: your husband thinks you would be better off with someone you can trust - a "better man." I think sometimes a WS uses that argument as an excuse to stop trying. It can be more self-serving than selfless. Do you feel like he's really engaged in the process of healing both the marriage and himself. What is he doing to help you, other than saying you deserve better? It's really not fair for him to decide what you deserve - that's up to you. If you've decided you want him, he needs to figure out what he wants and take responsibility for his choices. If he wants to save his marriage, guilt is a luxury he can't afford. It's an appropriate emotion under the circumstances, and proof that he has a conscience, but it can become a crutch, too. If you stay with him when he insists you deserve better, is he going to convince himself that it doesn't matter what he does because he warned you that he's not to be trusted?

I guess the thing I would be asking now is what has he learned from this experience and how is he using it to make your marriage stronger? That's really the thing to concentrate on now - how to move forward and grow from this. We all make mistakes and infidelity is a HUGE one, but we can usually forgive a spouse for messing up if he (or she) is sincerely remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to re-establish trust. I know how hard it can be to do that in a marriage damaged by betrayal, but the alternative is pretty destructive. I learned that the hard way and I have the divorce decree to prove it.

DG