It's been awhile since I stopped by to say "Hi". Things are moving slowly along.I don't have much patience for it all. I had Terry move out on New Years Day & we are still apart.We have started going to the movies on Sunday nites & then he spends the nite.We talk on the phone everday.He says that he wants to work things out but it's hard for me to believe anything that he says.I have still caught him not telling me some things from the past 3 years & that makes me not trust him.Everything that I have ever found out about the last 3 years is because I snooped & found out on my own.He has never volunteered any info about the A or all the lies involving general things the last 3 years.
On a postive note, he is going to counciling every Monday.It seems to be helping him out.He also says he has listened to some of the Dr. Laura c.d. that I gave him of her latest book"The Proper Care & Feeding Of Marriage".I listened to it all in one day & then gave it to him in March.He's only on the 2nd c.d. but at least he's listeneing to it.We seem to argue all the time.It's weird because we never use to argue about anything.The last 3 years have involved lots of arguing.
He says that he won't move back in until he gets to a point in his counciling where he has figured some of this mess out.He says that he doesn't want to come back & hurt me & the kids again.Well, like I mentioned above, I do not have much patience.I miss the life we use to have & I am trying to make myself understand that that is dead & gone.Still, I miss having my husband here.I just have a fear that I will look back on this years from now & wonder if I made a mistake by not dumping him the minute I found out about the A. Those of you that know my story know that Terry has put me thru 3 years on a roller coaster.Him promising to be honest & then me catching him lying again
I am still doing daycare 24/7. I am slowly working on trying to repair my bad credit.It was good up until Terry lost his job 3 years ago.I have 12 months to try & repurchase this house that we use to own for 9 years. I just pray that there will be a miracle & that I will somehow be successful at owning this house again.I am trying my hardest.It seems like the last 3 years have been mostly bad luck.Terry having the A, losing his job, us losing our home.Now when things go wrong I am no longer really surprised. In the last 4 months, the computer died, the t.v. died, & the washer died.I have had constant van trouble for the last 4 months also.BUT I am still hanging in there.There are times when I just want to give up but that is not an option.I just get tired of having to be strong or at least pretend I am.
I have so many thoughts & questions that continue to run thru my mind each & every day.I don't know how to get over the thought that I have inbedded in my head that my marriage can never be as good as it was.I also can't get over the feelings that I have concerning how I think he feels about me.To my way of thinking I must not be the type of woman that he wants anymore.Why? Because I am just the plain farm girl type & the bitch that he had the A with is the type that is miss perfect in looks & dress.So, if that's what turns him on then I feel like a dog.Just the old wife sitting at home. HO HUM.I told him that I feel ugly & useless. He says that that is not the case, but that's how I feel because of what he's done.Also,those feelings are even more so since I found out that he had gone to some strip clubs several times.All this from a man who spend 14 years telling me that he would never cheat on me & that he didn't ever have any desires to go to strip clubs. Boy, that all sure changed in the last 3 years.He says that he just made alot of mistakes.That's an understatement.
Sorry to ramble on.I guess things are better because I don't cry every single day anymore.That was only the first year. Now I just cry sometimes.I still think about everything everyday though.Don't know when that will ever go away.I guess that it will sooner or later.I find it sad that I think about other men now.I will see some guys & think "I wonder if he would be a nice husband?" Things like that.I NEVER would have wanted to be with anyone other than Terry before all of this.Oh sure, I would see a cute guy & think "nice butt" or something along those lines but I would never have wondered what they would be like as husbands.I suppose that this is normal.I haven't gone out with anyone & I wouldn't cheat on him but i do wonder if I will regret trying to work things out or not.I am totally honest with him.I've told him about these feelings.It's really a shame that I have them at all.It's too bad that he couldn't have been faithful.Well, we can't change the past.I am just afraid that it might consume me.It's still a shock that all of this has happened.
Well, I will shut up for now! Didn't mean to ramble on so much.I miss you guys but have noticed that sometimes it's not good for me to get on here.It tends to stir up the emotions.I just want to thank you guys for all the help that you have given me the last few years.I needed that 2X4 & I still do.I am stubborn & am having trouble changing my thoughts concerning the whole mess.I am surviving but that's not really good enough.I don't want to just survive.I want to find happiness again.So, for now we are still married,although seperated,& still working on working things out.I just don't know how well my broken heart will mend.I'm hanging in there!
Is Carol still on this site?
(edited to remove name)
This message has been edited by chris924 on May 25, 2007 8:17 AM