Wow! I am not sure where to start. I have not been here for about a year and a half. I shared the site with my WS and she became so hurt, that it became a wedge in our attempt to move our marriage past betrayal. I told her I would stop visiting, and I did.
She was remorseful for a short time (a couple of months) and the hysterical bonding was a highlight. The site helped me through some rough personal emotional times, and many of you are some of the most decent, kind and soulful people I have ever met.
She has not wandered through this period, but our marriage has not grown closer. My constant refrain is that I want to spend time with her. Go for walks. Go out on a weekend night, go grocery shopping, go away together. It is always a battle to get her to commit to spending time with me. When I say I want more out my marriage, she tells me "I don't believe I can make you happy".
I do not look to anyone for happiness. I look to my relationships as an opportunity to complete myself. To share and celebrate with, and to lean on a little when times dictate.
About a year after her extra-marital fling, I went to a reunion. I saw a woman I had an unrequited love with. We began talking, and she shared some feelings and memories with me, until other people came up and we went our separate ways.
I was stirred. I emailed her, and expressed regret and explanation as to why the promise of our feelings had never actualized. We live in different cities, are both married, and I did not bring up the possibility of any fulfillment. I simply wished her well.
My wife hacked into my aol account, and this became in her mind, a more terrible event than her betrayal. To this day, I do not believe I really did anything wrong. Yet I apologized for the hurt I caused my wife.
From this point on, any attempt to really try to connect, to have fun, to liven up the marriage is met with an "I am not ready" type of reaction.
Tuesday marked a major birthday for me. For the past year I have expressed a desire to celebrate by going away with my wife to see if we can have a connection. The promises from her became excuses, until the time away was whittled down to a single night at a spa. I told her for the cost, I would rather save our money and go away. She told me she needed the time away. As I knew it would, even the night away fell through.
When she showed up at the restaurant on my 50th birthday, it was without a present. It was with a card that said the words "Happy Birthday. IOU a night away and a trip."
She had a card for our 16 year old son, which she had signed, and no gift from them.
On her birthday's and special days, I ask the kids what they want to buy her, take them out and shop with them, wrap the gifts with them, and have them make a card for her.
I half-expected this, but the hurt is still there, and this brings back many of the feelings of betrayal.
After not celebrating, I told her I wanted to visit a high school friend who shares the same birthday, and she got angry and told me she feels manipulated, because I asked her on my birthday, and she believed I wanted to go all along. She was taking the kids out of town the next day for 10 days, and I wanted to go visit overnight.
I told her I wanted to celebrate. In the past, I would have listened to her complaints, and probably gone anyway. This time, I didn't. I believe I wanted to feel the hurt, and the pain, and that it would stir me to complete the separation I have been feeling for many years.