The Gun LapJanuary 20 2009 at 6:14 AM
|Jay (Login JayR1)|
It is a bitter pill to swallow when I can finally admit to myself that despite all my best efforts to keep my marriage together, the truth is that my wife just doesn't like me very much, and probably hasn't for some time. I ask myself why, but the truth is, it doesn't really matter, it just exists as the truth.
I have told her what it is I want and need out of the marriage, but what I get are excuses, and no real effort. About six months ago, I told her it was over. She cried, and asked for another chance, and I told her I would hang in, and try. It doesn't matter. She doesn't really want to be married to me, she just doesn't particularly want a divorce.
Our "couple self" has been last in line for many years, behind our parent partnership, social partnership, business partnership. We have been to three marital counsellors. She got up and walked out of the first one. The second one told me her affair could be the best thing to ever happen to me. I was out of there quickly. The third one just didn't help. Kept bringing us back to our childhoods, as if our issues were back there, instead of dealing with one another day to day.
I have asked her a hundred different times in fifty different ways what she she needs and wants out of the marriage, and the most I can get is "you figure it out." I am not a mind reader, but the truth is I have figured it out. She wants out, she just doesn't have the courage to say it. So I will once again say it to her.
I feel exhiliarated, at times, in knowing that I now have an opportunity to search out someone to have fun with, to talk my heart to, to be myself with, and yet, I know the pain that is coming, as well. The pain this will inflict on my kids, on her family and our friends. And the darkness I have to get through, before I will feel whole again.
I have explored the possibilities before making the biggest decision of my life, but it is here, and the truth stands out.
I stood before God and family and said "till death do us part". I need to revisit that statement, another bitter pill to swallow.