Tell us just what you're doing or what you're thinking, please. And what Mr. Nell is doing.
One of my articles of faith is that no one can fix a bad marriage singlehandedly. One person can start the music and get up off his/her behind, but it takes two to dance. If your partner is still sitting in front of the TV or computer, it's a lost cause. At least it was for me.
Sure I have some doubts and questions about Peggy's approach - the one she describes in "The Monogamy Myth". One of the more interesting questions she has been asked is whether her approach can work for large numbers of people. After all, she and her husband are unusual in the sense that both are trained, professional psychologists. Peggy's response has always been something like "sure it can work for everyone".
To restate the obvious: "it takes two". You could have a betrayed partner (or a formerly wayward partner) following Peggy's advice perfectly, every step of the way, for several years but they could still "fail" (in the sense that their marriage could end in divorce). It takes alot from both partners to make it work. If there is some kind of mental health issue, like drug abuse or a personality disorder" in the picture, it makes things much more difficult.
It seems to me that one my "Big Problems" was figuring out what I could NOT do (in addition to what I could). I had to figure out what I could not fix (even by following Peggy's advice). In some perverse way, I was lucky in the sense that my ex got into an alcohol recovery program while I was in the middle of divorcing her. It wasn't lucky that my ex has a problem with alcohol but it was lucky in that it was a clearcut problem that I could point to. I started to worry less that our marital problems were not my personal failure.
At the time my ex got into rehab, I was pursuing a legal divorce and I was asking for full custody of our kids on the grounds that she was incompetent. I will never know if she would have gone into rehab if I had not left her or if I had not formally requested custody. I am confident that as long as we were drinking, our marriage had no hope of dealing with something as difficult as an affair.
Some of the self help books say right up front that "none of these methods will work if your wayward partner has a serious mental health issue". Those authors have got it right, IMHO. At one time I believed that "it takes two to make a marriage work" meant that "it takes two to make a marriage fail". I know I'm biased, but I still don't believe that anymore.
>>Sometimes it amazes me that any couple is able to have a decent relationship after infidelity<<
Me too. That's a good way to put it.
I try to avoid being pessimistic when it comes to marriage rebuilding (as opposed to affair recovery) but I suspect that it often takes two very special people to have a decent relationship after infidelity. By "a decent relationship" I don't necessarily mean remaining married, although that might be a part of it. There could be people who could have a "decent relationship" after divorcing but not if they remain married, for example. Whether people remain married or divorce, either way it seems difficult to have a good relationship after infidelity.
What ever works for her is not always right for anyone else. I was uncomfortable talking so openly to everyone about the affair. But I agree with manu things she said. I think we have to adjust all the advice to our own situaion and do what makes us comfortable. BTW I have not posted in years. I was an old member. Glad to say Hi to all again.
Well, I can say that Peggy's approach DID work for us.
First off, I agree that it would not have worked if Karen hadn't been willing to make the changes necessary to accomplish our goal of saving the marriage. I feel very lucky and blessed in that regard.
See, I went into recovery with two things planted firmly in my mind. First, it was not my fault, and I REFUSED to take any blame for something that I didn't even know about.
Second, I put it all on Karen. I told her flat out that if she wanted this marriage saved, she needed to prove it to me by her actions. She did.
Of course, it took me 8 months post D-Day to figure all this out...
But open and honest communication between two people is the big key to maintaining ANY relationship. No, you don't have to put billboards up. But improving your communication skills between you and your partner is VERY important, in my book. And in Peggy's...
In answer to your question regarding what Mr. Nell is doing, I have had the flu and was a bit slow formulating an answer.
He has been drinking his fanny into a stupor since last February or March, being verbally abusive to me and economically nonproductive. Finally, for Christmas, at the joint requests of myself, his oldest daughter, and his mother, he got back on the wagon, again. It was, however, too late to save our house. We were in foreclosure and are closing in a forced sale tomorrow. Fortunately, we have sold to friends who are renting back to us with a lease-purchase option. This is a bit of a financial disaster, since we were in the last five years of a thirty year loan, but it may work out well in the long run.
Actually, it is rather lovely not to have a mortgage tying us together any more. When he came in this evening abusively criticising me and ordering me about, I let him know that he would change the way he spoke to me or we would no longer be together under the same roof. And I meant it. There is now so little left to divide.
I'd rather lose all my money than lose my soul. I'm sorry that it has gotten to that, but that's where I am. I am more than a little frightened of starting over in middle age. But it's better than being an emotional slave.
Chris.
Current Topic - Is Peggy Vaughan's approach failing?
