Most of you know that when I caught my ex in his A a few years back that I called her H and told him about it.  He seemed like a pretty nice guy.

A couple days before my separation was supposed to be signed a few months ago b/c we had agreed on everything, the OW's H e-mails me and says "you still there?" and the subject line of his e-mail says "need help"  I replied to him that yes, I was still there and I never got an answer back.  I then waited a few days and signed the agreement wishing he has told me what was up.  After about a month of waiting I sent him one just telling him that my spouse and I had separated and that it was legalized only a few days after he sent me his e-mail so he had me curious if something was up.  I wasn't looking for a reply, I just told him that if he thought something could have been up that it certainly was a possibility because my H was now a free man.  I didn't want him (or anyone) to have to put up with the constant lying that I did if she was still lying to him. 

What do you all think he e-mailed me for?  I have wondered if my ex is back with the OW and am willing to bet he is.  He just better keep her away from me:>)  The reason I say that is because of the ignorant nasty things she said to me when I caught them and called her H.

Charlie

 

Charlie, you've moved on. Why not just assume he's done the same, and let it go at that?

Chris.

>>What do you all think he e-mailed me for? I have wondered if my ex is back with the OW and am willing to bet he is<<

"Go with your gut" - where there's smoke, there's fire, I would guess.

Charlie wrote:

I have wondered if my ex is back with the OW and am willing to bet he is.

I'll spare you the platitudes about how they deserve each other. I hope he has the common sense (oh, yeah, a WS with common sense - what an oxymoron) to keep her away from your sight. I can't even imagine going to my former house to deliver my son for visitation and having one of the OW answer the door. To have my sweet, innocent, cherubic baby boy witness the ABSOLUTE VIOLENCE that would undoubtedly occur.

Small rant:

Ya know, I find it interesting that in some cases, such as yours and Red Wolf's and (perhaps) Taiga Lucy's, that once the spouse becomes the STBX or EX, they go back to the OP. Yet, in my case, NOT ONE of the OW has sashayed back into Ex's life. Even the one who was "the love of his life" (that's the sound of me retching). How do I know? Mr. NPD always makes it excruciatingly clear that he has a new girlfriend. In his narcissistic blindness, he doesn't realize that I am bemused at him because none of them have lasted. By my count, he has had 4 "serious" girlfriends and countless dates/ONS since I left 16 months ago. The pregnant one lasted 10 months, but she was gone within a month of the baby being born. Gee, do the math: the others lasted 5 weeks on average? Even if it is warped, I'm glad to see that maybe it wasn't just me that was difficult to live with - one of the reasons given for the affairs. Once again I ask, I put up with this for how long?

Rant over (thankfully).

Edited to correct typos.

"Charlie, you've moved on. Why not just assume he's done the same, and let it go at that?"

Hey Chris, I'm not wanting to know because of jealousy or that I even care what he does with his life.  I'm more happy with this new guy than I ever was with ex.  It's more that I'm worried about my kids around this OW after things she said to me about raising my kids for me.  I'm just hoping that the woman who's giving him these little crystal figures in his house is not her and is someone else.  He told me he was dating 3 different women and that was why the boys haven't met anyone yet but I doubt he'd be putting these little cheesy gifts (which look as if there from a 20-year-old, and I mean no offense to any younger people here it's just that he's nearly 40) out where anyone could see them if he wasn't dating just one person and if he's dating one person, why is he still hiding it if it isn't old OW?

I guess I noticed these stupid little things in his house recently and this is what got me wondering about it.  There are 3 of them and I guarantee he wouldn't buy stuff like that nor does he probably even like them.  One is of a dozen roses and they are tiny. 

Chris, it isn't about feeling anything for him at all or that I haven't moved on, I am worrying about my children - and that's it.  I would be relieved if I met someone he was dating and it wasn't OW.

Misha, thanks for the laugh!

Charlie

 

 

 

I knew it was really the kids.

I had the same impulse a year ago when I was trying to write a separation agreement. I tried to write a bunch of rules we'd both live by...but it was really just me trying to control things a bit too much. Everyone here knows I was clear on "not dating" while we were separated and she was "deciding whether to divorce"; I was trying to keep her from dating and letting my son see it.

I realized I needed to let completely go and trust that my kids could/would let me know if anything inappropriate was happening. I told my son that if anyone who made him uncomfortable was in his mom's place, he was to call me and I would come get him immediately.

We need to set up a workout for those "letting go" muscles.

Chris.

Chris, I agree that your kids would let you know if something "inappropriate" is going on, but what if your child is young? I understand Charlie's concern because I have it too as Jr. is only 2 years old. Even if he was 5 or 6, he really doesn't have the judgement at that age to know what "appropriate" is. And if Ex was getting drunk, or doing drugs or worse, two horrible thoughts come to mind: 1) Jr. is too young to call 911 if an accident occurs 2) Jr. is susceptible to Daddy saying "Don't tell anyone. This is our secret." Kids have been abused by abusers using this very scenario. And the worst part, is I have been literally screamed at by Ex when he was over 40 minutes late delivering Jr. back to me. He wouldn't answer his cell, so I called the cops. Torked him off royally, but I really don't have any other recourse and I'm not going to worry and hope - I'm going to worry and REACT.

Chris

"letting go muscles" Can I smack you now or maybe the 2 x 4?  ha ha

I think my biggest worry is that my kids are already around him and he shows his anger and bitterness and lack of control around them quite a bit.  A couple weeks ago we (ex and I) had a birthday party for my oldest son and I realize how mean he is to them more now than I ever did.  He seems like he is always yelling at them and I really think it is because he isn't happy himself.  Wish I could change that but I can't.  I'd really hate for 2 people who have no limits, no morals and think they can walk all over people be with them.  I wish that at least he could find someone who wouldn't cheat because this person is going to have an influence on how my kids think.  I also have a child with a disability who can't voice his concerns and if something bothers him, he can't tell me.  Yes, he signs but not fluently enough to tell me something like that.

Charlie

 

I guess this is an "ages and stages" thing.

My kids are 15 and soon to be 19, freshmen in high school and college respectively. I'm a little more than three years from "empty nest".

Y'all have a long way to go, and that's a big part of why I stayed married from d-day (when kids were 9 and 12) until this year.

Chris.

Chris

I've got to admire you, that is a really long time to stick it out.  WOW!

Charlie :>)

You know, I found out about my H's A from the OW's H as well and though we touched based for a few months afterwards to "check on things", after a while I let that entire connection drop.

The thing is that he started to blame me for his wife and my H still remaining in contact! It wasn't a "direct" accusation -- he just kept urging me to "do what I could to save my marriage" because that's what he was doing and we both needed to be diligent if we were to keep them apart.

It got a bit much because I felt he was being quite presumptuous to think that both of us wanted to resolve this issue in the same way. I'm glad he told me but it began to get invasive. And besides I wanted to get the whole thing behind me.

So, Charlie, maybe this guy was just tempted to "check in". Maybe he had alot of his own doubts etc and was grasping for confirmation. And he's likely trying to get it all behind him as well.

As for your anxiety re the kids, I totally hear you. Like Chris they are a major reason for my staying here in my pseudo-marriage. At their age (13 and 9), it is still important for him to retain credibility in their eyes as we both try to influence their behaviour. And they would take a slight against me as a slight against them. They aren't old enough to deal with that.

With that in mind, you have every right to know whom your H is dating but only if its serious enough to start involving your kids. As long as whomever this little curio-gift-giver stays out of sight and doesn't become live in GF or fiancee, you really should let it go. I wouldn't be too reluctant though to just point out to the ex that if he does plan to introduce any women to your kids, you'd like advance notice...

>>he just kept urging me to "do what I could to save my marriage" because that's what he was doing and we both needed to be diligent if we were to keep them apart<<

That reminds me a little of advising the spouse of an alcoholic to keep looking for the hidden vodka bottles, as if that's an effective way to keep an alcoholic sober. It is certainly an effective way for an alcoholic's spouse to drive themselves nuts.

Maybe it was easier for him to try to give you the responsibility for ending the affair than it was to recognize who was really responsible.

Jane

Since my ex says he is dating 3 different women, he said he will not introduce anyone to them unless he is serious about someone - thank the lord.  I hope that does hold.  I really don't know if I have a right to get him to tell me when he decides to introduce someone though.  I certainly didn't tell him when I introduced BF to them.  He'd probably think it was none of my business.  We have talked about not ever having any person of the opposite sex spending the night when the kids are there though and he agrees.  That is if the couple is not married.  I just hope he actually sticks to it???

Charlie

I understand what you are saying about not having "significant others" staying the night when there are children in the house. I wouldn't impose that on my sons (15 and 18) now either, mostly because our divorce was granted only 6 months ago and I'm not sure if they would be ready to deal with a "visitor". How soon that might happen in the future will depend on how my kids feel about it.

Flying that plane upside down .... I'm sure that my parent would be happy if I were to visit them together with my "significant other". My parents have been married over fifty years but if they divorced (heaven forbid) or if one of them died (heaven forbid) I'd be tickled pink if one of them and their SO wanted to stay at my house for awhile. At their age (80's), they know quite a few couples who have decided to cohabitate instead of marrying. From what they tell me, cohabitation is becoming pretty common among the elderly.

I wouldn't have any problem if my sons, parents, or brother or sisters wanted to stay at my house with their "significant other". [I take that back. I would have a problem if my 15 yr old wanted to sleep at my place with his "significant other" .... but that's not really my point.]

I guess what I'm saying is that whether it is or isn't a good idea to have a "significant other" staying the night can also depend on the ages of the people involved. I guess that's obvious but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

Q

"they know quite a few couples who have decided to cohabitate instead of marrying. From what they tell me, cohabitation is becoming pretty common among the elderly."

You know I found that kind of funny.  My parents and I were talking one day about my separation agreement, which has in it that if I co-habitate for 90 days or more with a male that I would lose any spousal support he is paying now.  This is a typical separation agreement in our state.  I had to laugh after sitting at the card table with my parents and hearing them joke with me that "I could live with someone and just make sure they spend the night elsewhere on the 90th day."  My parents are fairly conservative so hearing them say it sort of made me chuckle.  Your right about the ages of those involved.  My children are too young now but maybe someday they would understand the difference of them doing it before they're married versus their old divorced mom.  Right now I wouldn't think of it.  I'm really not sure I would ever live with anyone though and not be married.  Just not sure that is conductive to the respect you should get as a married person and wonder how it delays some to not get married.  Who knows, I could change my mind later???

"I wouldn't have any problem if my sons, parents, or brother or sisters wanted to stay at my house with their "significant other". [I take that back. I would have a problem if my 15 yr old wanted to sleep at my place with his "significant other" .... but that's not really my point.]"

I understand what your saying here :>)

Charlie