I don't know if it is coming from my anger,IC, from books I have read, or the way my mind thinks (takes me awhile sometimes), or even just the passage of time, but I am gaining strength. I feel it, and it feels good. I see that my H cannot offer me all of the things that I need to heal (caring communication, affection, reassurance, and commitment). Whether he can or he won't doesnt make a difference anymore. In fact, he has offered me very little in the way of healing. I see more and more the power to heal must come from within oneself. I realize that healing the marriage takes both of us and he is not willing. But my personal healing from this betrayal is up to me, and me alone. I now know that healing is possible with or without him. I think I have known this for a long time but I could not accept it and so wanted him to care enough to do something. And instead of enabling the way he treats me I must learn to let it go and take care of myself, which I think I am truly begining to do. It is more about me and less about him now. And that is a good thing. For so long I have focused on him and his needs, which have gone unappreciated, unreciprocated. Now it is time for me and what I want for me. And what I want for "me" is different than what I want for "us" as a couple.
Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Mar 7, 2007 2:45 PM
Now, remember this feeling, nuture it, and when needed go back to it.
Carol, this is what we say and is difficult to understand per se... there is a 3-prong healing... and you are experiencing yours!!
Carol....Wow. The words, "it is more about me and less about him" are most profound and must be so empowering for you. With those thoughts and feelings, you are certainly able to move a bit more to the right..I am still way too far to the left. I have truly felt a shift this week...I can't explain it. I still talk to my former H and it is always about him and what he needs and wants. It is hard for me to keep that boundary but I am moving bit by bit. There really has to be an US in the conceptualization of a relationship. A separate US...a couple US. I don't know how many people have that. This divorce, for me, has forced me to look at other's relationships and I am at a loss as to what constitutes an "ideal" one. I don't think there is an ideal one. I think a person has to feel accepted, loved, respected, and supported for WHO THEY ARE, that's another whole thread....who we are. In any event, I don't feel like I was ever appreciated for ME. Of course things I did were appreciated....but not the ME. I guess at some level, I don't even appreciate ME...I would be way out of this entangled mess I continue to put way too much energy into. I want to put that energy into ME and what is empowering and freeing for ME. I guess I don't feel free. I envy your ability to get where you are. Is it a mind game? What has convinced you or rather pulled you in that direction? Actions speak louder than words. I guess you are paying attention to his actions. I think that marriages evolve through numerous stages. AND, I would wager to bet that those who are able to remain in long term marriages are at numerous times ready to "throw in the towel" but they somehow appreciate the shift in their partner and try to stay connected and nurture it. I always thought I was doing that. I could NEVER imagine myself without my former H...yet, here I am. BUT, the fragile "self" (whatevet that is) is fighting it. I need to let it go....it needs to settle down and be in a place of peace. That's enough. I could bawl as I am typing this. I am so afraid that I will never be there.
This is what Sage said. ***************I think a person has to feel accepted, loved, respected, and supported for WHO THEY ARE, that's another whole thread....who we are. In any event, I don't feel like I was ever appreciated for ME. Of course things I did were appreciated....but not the ME. I guess at some level, I don't even appreciate ME..
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I think our own appreciation of ourselves is the key to being happy, no matter if we are partnered or not. When we get into a relationship that demeans our soul and we allow it over a long time, soon we learn to demean ourselves and think that is the norm. We draw away from friends, family, activities; our personality begins to shrink to fit the profile created by the person who demeans us. We think, perhaps subconsciously, that if we could just BE what they want, then life would be good. How could they not love us when we are trying so hard to BE what they want? We get so focused on this we forget about ourselves.
Recognizing that a healthy relationship does not include demeaning (on our part or theirs, because we often demean back as a way to attempt to regain our balance, our sanity). This brings us down too, and is just another way to BECOME more like the OP, sick as that is.
When we appreciate ME we do not allow ourselves to be dragged through the loon poop, as we say up north. We establish boundaries and stick to them, nevermind the OP's crying and manipulation. The key is in not beating ourselves up for getting out; we have not failed if we decide to get out, we have begun to create a sane world for ourselves based on peace instead of insanity and chaos. That is a very precious thing.
Carol
Wow. This sounds like such a big step for you in moving forward. I can't say it any better than Judy. Healing is all about YOU. I kept wanting my STBXW to express her remorse and feeling that it was keeping me from the healing I wanted to feel, even though we are divorcing. She has said that she is sorry for what she has done and feels terrible about how she has hurt me, but I don't hear it in any ongoing way. I kept seeing opportunities that she could do that, like when I told her I didn't think I could visit my daughter because of the triggers, but it didn't happen, so I know I have to let go of that.
I read the new book by Janice Abrams Spring about acceptance vs forgiveness. Forgiveness requires both parties to actively participate, but acceptance can be accomplished by one. Healing can be quicker with forgiveness, but acceptance may be all you can accomplish on your own. You can still heal and it sounds like you are doing just that.
Keep up the good work Carol.
Rob eventually you will realize that your healing has nothing to do with whether they show remorse or you ever know all the details. I had none of that. I never got a phone call to find out if I was alive or dead. I became a complete non issue for him. At first I thought I would never be able to move forward without knowing the details, without knowing the why's, without getting an apology.
About 6 months ago (2 years into recovery) I have realized that I don't require that anymore. Honestly even if it did happen it would mean nothing to me now, its just words. I have no desire to talk to him anymore. I don't hate him, I just don't feel anything for him, besides maybe pity. You will get to that point as well and that will be when you know your healed.
The road to recovery involves many bumps, curves and sometimes its like an obstacle course. I was so tired of climbing up the hill and going wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee all the way down the otherside (ie having really bad weeks and really good weeks). Now most days are good, with the occasional bad one thrown in for good measure, but everybody has bad days so to me life is pretty much back to normal.
All of these posts are so encouraging...why don't I believe you? Rob...what is that picture that is with your posts now? I can't make it out...it looks like a bunch of baby robins???? I am curious
Anyway, Kid...you are WHERE I WANT TO BE....I have instituted the "no contact"...from this evenng on. Rob, you mentioned acceptance....that's where I am stuck. I don't think I can read another self-help book....any truncated versions of the book that will push me in that direction? I think I am basically emotionally challenged. I never thought of myself in that way. Judy, I was interested in your notion of how one becmes the person they are perceived by other to be. That of course is not a new concept to me, but one that I have never considered vis a vis my relationship with my former H. I wondered what the man has said to me? I can't even remember...OR, did I say things to him that were demeaning to him? I can't remember that either. AH...this is too hard...I want to slip inside a cacoon and just stay there until I evolve into something else. Sort of like going back to the uterus. That doesn't sound so bad either. It has been almost 2 years since my former H moved out and I don't think I have moved one step further toward solid ground...have I not taken the leap? I don't even know what leap I have to take? What is the leap? I'll take it. I'll sell my first born. I'll sell my soul to the devil? What is the leap? I'll take two more whacks with the 2x4....hit me...hit me.
Sage - I decided that the picture of myself in my tux was a little too pretentious. I also read something in another post recommending anonymity and my pic doesn't exactly go in that direction. This pic is a catepillar I saw in St Kitts which I thought was cool. Now that I think of it, I think I will change this pic too. St Kitts was our 10th Anniversary trip last year. I'll find a moose from VT or something.
But back to healing. I know it can be a long journey, with lots of ups and downs. I've started the process rolling for the divorce, and am finding the finality of that is having some impact to deal with - both positive and negative.
Thanks for checking up on me. The last few weeks have been the best weeks I have had in a long time. I have not focused very much on the A at all. It seems that focusing on yourself sure helps to take your mind off of other unpleasantries.
It seems my H is focusing on his own needs and has not noticed much that I am focusing on myself more and more. He actually joined a Business Council and has to attend meetings. I find it odd how he has time for this new council but never for me. Just another reminder of his selfishness and how the pizzeria is number one. My guess is that the bsuier he is the less time he is with me and the less he has to think about what he has done. He is running away from his problems and avoiding them instead of dealing with them. But the really good thing is that I dont care! Let him do what he feels he needs to do to find peace with himself. I will do what I need to do as well. If he wants to talk about anything I am right here, but I will not hold my breath. Someone on the board told me that this way "detaching with loving feelings" if I remember correctly.
I did get him to go on a date with me. It is tomorrow night. We are going to go see The Pink Floyd Experience. He loves Pink Floyd and I like them too. I didnt ask him beforehand I just bought the tickets and told him that we are going. He didnt say a word! I even reminded him tonight of our date tomorrow and he remembered! I am shocked. I thought he would make up an excuse and say he couldnt go or he forgot about, but he didnt. Well, lets see what tomorrow brings
Hi Carol...........you sound so much better in your post, thats good to hear!
It does get better..hang in there....you are a fighter and can do this.........
And what a date it was. To quote Murphy's Law "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong". But I still had a good time
The concert was supposed to start at 8pm. I got to the pizzeria around 7:30 and H was not ready to leave. UGH! But I kept my cool. We leave at 8 and arrive at 8:30. Ok, so we missed 30 minutes, no big deal, I thought. We park like 2 blocks away and it's freezing! We get inside and we have pretty good seats. BUT the band was not as good as everyone had told me and all of the reviews I read. They had a new singer who was chewing gum while singing! The back up vocalists were not there and the light show was not as elaborate! It seems the stage was too small to fit all of the lights and the singers. And who ever mixed the sound did a lousy job. There was just no dynamics to the music and without the back up vocals the songs sounded really flat. Needless to say we were both very disappointed. At 9:15 was intermission so we went into the lobby and H said lets go outside, I said it's freezing! But of course we went out anyway, only to find the street completely blocked off by fire trucks and police. The building next door to the theater was on fire! They were not sure if they were going to have to evacuate the theater or not so my H said lets just go back and close the shop and go home. The band wasnt very good, which was really too bad because I like Pink Floyd too, so I agreed to go. I dropped H off at the pizzeria to close up and to my surprise he said "why dont you go to the store and get some steaks and well cook them on the grill and go in the hot tub, and we could open a bottle of wine". I was very surprised at his suggestions and I jumped at the chance for us to save the evening and went shopping! H got home immediately after closing, we put the steaks on, opened the wine and jumped in the hottub! The steaks got a little crispy while we were in the hottub but we had a nice evening anyways
Hi again Carol! Well, as I stated earlier, I'm going to a movie alone again tonite. I'm looking forward to getting out for awhile. What kind of movies do you like? We should have a group like "The First Wives Club", HEE! Power to the wounded wives!!! Time to discover ourselves! I'm 45 & I'm not putting it off any longer. I shall think of you when I am at the movie tonite & shall smile knowing that we are both making baby steps in the right direction. Be strong Girl!!!
I just turned 41 and I love all genres of movies. Did you go see "Just Like Heaven"? It's such a sweet movie...funny & sad at times too, and I really enjoyed it. I also liked "The First Wives Club", lol. Thanks for thinking of me
Went to see "Just Like Heaven" last nite. It was a cute movie! Took my 16 yr. old daughter with me. We don't get along very well & I thought it would be nice to spend some time together. My 18 yr. old stayed home & babysat for me. Anyway, I've been in this wonderful mood for about 7 days now & then it fell apart after the movie. Came home & H called from the coast.He told me I sounded detached & like I wasn't glad to hear from him. I told him that I've been focusing on myself lately. I told him that Foreigner tickets are going on sale for a March concert at the coast & that I'm going to buy a ticket, take that whole day off & enjoy the coast before the show. I thought he would say something like"good for you for wanting to spend time at the coast alone" BUT he laughed because I said I wanted to see Foreigner. That put me in a rather bitchy mood & although we didn't argue, the rest of the call didn't go so well. I told him that it finally hit me this week that I would be fine with or without him & that even though I had said it before, this time I knew I would be. Then I told him that it feels kind of weird when I tell him that I love him because I'm not sure what it means anymore. I just know that it doesn't mean what it had all those yrs.I told him that now I think it means I love what we had.Then I told him that I don't really like this person that he's turned into. See, all these years I was pretty much the boss on most things. He was passive & that's the way we functioned. Well, now he's changed & I told him I don't really like this change. For instance, he has facial hair now & won't shave it off & he chews now & I hate it. So, these things really bug me & the rules have changed in this game called marriage. I know it seems like I'm being a spoiled brat but theses changes really bug me. We were getting along o.k. this week but now I'm pissed. I gotta get back into a good mood for myself. Screw him & focus on me. He won't be back until tomorrow afternoon so at least I have time to switch my thought process back to myself. Sorry to ramble on ! Carol, I did actually think about you & smile when I was at the movie last nite! I told my daughter that I know of someone that also goes to the movies by herself & enjoys it. Don't worry, I didn't say anything about you & your situation Carol.Ugh, my house is a mess & I will soon have 5 daycare kids running around today. Looks like another busy day for me! It does feel good to finally focus on me for a change. Sixteen yrs. of being obsessed with H is enough. Hopefully we will work things out BUT he's no longer the man I loved so much. I do want to be with him BUT there is a part of me that feels horrible at having to settle for less than what I had bargained for in this marriage. I often wonder if I will be sorry that I'm trying to work things out. What if I look at him 2 or 3 yrs. from now & don't have any feelings for him or what if I don't feel any different than I do now? I know I have to just take a chance since I can't predict the future.Anyway, I've gotta cheer myself up somehow today. Somehow the thought of a sponge mop, Lysol cleaner, Scrubbing bubbles, Pledge, & a dust rag are not cheering me up much! Time to turn the radio on!
Thats great to hear Carol that despite your planned evening not working out you guys salvaged it and had a good time anyway!
It sounds like things are going better...........good to hear Carol you deserve it!
<< I thought he would say something like"good for you for wanting to spend time at the coast alone" BUT he laughed because I said I wanted to see Foreigner. That put me in a rather bitchy mood & although we didn't argue, the rest of the call didn't go so well. >>
Barb,
I know exactly why that bothered you. My H thinks I have poor taste in music because I like "happy" music. The laugh was a put down. My H would have gone further than to laugh at me, he would have actually said something more along the lines of "why would you pay to go see them"? I like Foreigner and Journey but my H thinks they play "Bubble Gum" music and not hardcore enough. Well, I am a the "Bubbly" type. That's his taste and not mine and he shouldnt make fun of it and try to make me feel inferior. It just cuts at your self esteem. I am not critical of him and his choice of music, not that he'd ever admit to liking the bands I like even if he did, lol. It also feels like they have a lack of respect for us when they make fun of us like that. So yep, I know how that feels.
<< I often wonder if I will be sorry that I'm trying to work things out. What if I look at him 2 or 3 yrs. from now & don't have any feelings for him or what if I don't feel any different than I do now? I know I have to just take a chance since I can't predict the future. >>
I dont think anyone should ever regret trying to work things out no matter what the outcome is. If I do everything humanly possible and he still wants out, or I do, in a year or two, or even three, at least I will know in my heart that I did all that I could. I dont think my H will be able to say the same thing. He has done little to help heal the marriage. Which once again bring us back to the importance of doing things for yourself...what makes you happy, what makes you feel good...coming to terms with what has happened, and moving on, with or without your spouse. Even though it is not our fault that the A happened, we are all responsible for our own personal healing. I know, it is much easier if our spouse is there backing us up and helping us through, but many WS's are going through their own pain and their own healing, or they just dont "get it". We cant control them! If we could they would not have cheated. They made their choices, now we have to make our own.
Good Point Carol! At least I will know I've tried. I'm very lucky that my H is trying hard. He stated on the phone tonite that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Funny, I thought he knew that 16 1/2 yrs. ago!Gotta go to another movie with My 16 yr. old. Talk to ya later. Your H should realize how lucky he is to have you!
Rob, I was worried you wore a Tux all the time. At the store, the laundromat, slept in it.
The mistake people make is that they tie their happiness to another person. They need someone, anyone, and will try to find their happiness around that need. It can't be found that way because always it involves a neglect of dedicating 100% of the search where it needs to be. There can be no "I will be happy if only you do this" or "if we can do this". It has to come 100% from within and any relationships with anyone should be just a sharing of a happy self. When need is the basis, there will always be an unhappiness that will show itself because of the neglect of where happiness is truly found.
Sometimes we need to be hit over the head with a 2X4..over and over again before we realize that! But hey, Im getting there and that's all that matters! Everyone realizes these things in their own time...it's my time!
Amazing it can still take a long time to get it even when the 2x4 has rusty nails in it.
Life is what you want it to be, Carol. Sometimes it gets hard to want it to be anything when you get lost trying to make it what someone else wants it to be.
