I agree Carol. It sounds as if you already stepped out the door and are waiting for a reaction before you close it. You are already building your life around you without him and if you reach the ultimate decision, you are ahead of where most BSes who had to leave are.
I have followed many stories with empathy since I learned of this site. Carol, I see your strength growing. I have read the posts of Rob and Moe seeing them take giant leaps forward. I look forward to watching it grow with Bob and Sage. And then all of the ones who have made it to their place of peace to help others.
You can trace a users footsteps from the agonizing shock and despair then denial and desperation to resignation and acceptance. I cry tears along the way but then for each person you can see the sun breaking through the clouds.
Hi Carol. You are getting stronger. Good for you! I read the list of things that you mentioned you need(appreciation ,etc.). Forgive me if I offend you, but from what I remember about the things you have posted about your H in the past here, he sounds like he might not be capable,or willing, to provide you with those things.Is this maybe true? If so, I guess you will have to face that fact & see if you are willing to stay in the marriage knowing that your needs won't be met by him. Seems like a sad & lonely marriage to me. Course, I can understand how hard it would be to leave & start over.You will know when it's time for you to make the choice. Until then, keep taking care of yourself.
Hi Carol...I always look forward to your posts, they are so thought provoking. I don't really have any wisdom or anything sagy to contribute. What came up for me while I was reading your post was a theory called "social exchange theroy"....it in essence says that we remain satisfied in a relationship as long as what we gain from it does not exceed what we give....tit for tat. We become DISSATISFIED when we think that we are giving more than we are getting. At THAT point...you weigh the two...are you more willing to get what you can and know that is not really what you want, OR, would leaving the marriage and seeking something else be more satisfying??? One glitch, there has to be an ALTERNATIVE ATTRACTION that you decide will yeild you more satisfaction that what you are NOW getting. Does that make sense? If you found another person to whom you were attracted that in deed did meet those needs, you would probably terminate the relationship. At this point, it may be MORE painful for you to terminate the relationship than sit tight and see if he comes around, than leaving the relationship. It sounds as though you are feeling more grounded with where you are. You could always adjust your expectations....simply EXPECT less. Don't look to your H for those things, look somewhere else. Is there something or someone outside of the marriage that could meet your needs? No one said that it has to be our spouses...perhaps a job, a hobby, your children, a neighbot or friend....maybe there is something out there and you have just not identified it yet. These words are simply my thoughts as I read your post. You sound as thought you are most introspective...know what you need and know that you won't settle for less....perhaps it will be identifying the alternative that will push you over the threshold...I don't know. I think it would be difficult to live in an "empty shell" marriage...one where you felt that there was no exchange/reciprocation of the affection and love. I wonder why he is doing this? Has he always been this way? You mentioned an accident that he was involved in...was there some change after that? I am sorry you struggle...I struggle too but at least I don't have to make a decision, it was made for me. All I have to go is get on with my life....that's hard too.
"How does one stay in a marriage when their spouse is not willing to meet their needs?"
I would like to know the answer to that questions as well. It has been 102 days since my d-day. With the exception of "I am normally a happy person, and for the most part after almost 17 months past d-day I am more myself. I am getting back to being me again, and that does feel good." I could have written your post myself. I am getting closer to being back to myself, but have more bad days than good. A question I would also like to have an answer to is When do you know when it is time to leave?
<< A question I would also like to have an answer to is When do you know when it is time to leave? >>
That is the million dollar question, Ann. I think every BS who is not having their needs met by the WS asks this very question. How long do we wait to see results? Will we ever see results? Will our WS ever "get it"? Will our WS ever do what is necessary to look inside of themselves and figure out why they allowed themselves to cheat and do all they can to change that? When will we (the BS) give up? Everyone will tell you that you are the only one who can answer that. We have different tolerances, and each of our WS's are different people. Some WS's may eventually get it, some may get it after it's too late, and some may never get it no matter what. But when is it too late? After we seperate, or after the divorce, or maybe it's never too late. For each of us this is something only you will know when it is too late. Most come to this conslusion after they have done all they can and they have given it plenty of time with no change in the WS. We cannot change them, we can only change ourselves, and the betrayal does change us. The WS must want tyo change and must seek change...they must try at some point. What was once acceptable no longer is...we need them to change, we need them to look beyond their selfishness, we need them to be a better person, and we need to feel we matter in the relationship. When the WS does not step up to the plate and do all they can, there is only so much we as a BS can do, and only so much we can tolerate. When you get to that point, when the pain of staying out weighs the pain of leaving over a period of time, then you know for you that it's time to go. This is one of those times where you either follow your heart or your head because they are at odds with each other. It is a life altering decision that no one makes lightly, especially after all the crap they've been through to get to this point.
Some BS's may stay in the relationship beyond their tolerance for reasons that are important to them whether the WS ever gets it or not. Some stay for finacial reason, religous reasons, the children, social reasons, or simply because they are scared to be alone, or for a variety of other reasons. But that is their choice. Only you know what you can live with. And if you stay beyond your tolerance you have to get to a point where you are at peace with yourself for doing so...where you accept that this in my life. Many couples choose to do this, to live their lives their together, yet seperate. If you cannot do that, then it is best that you leave the relationship, move on, and get on with your own life. I know...easier said then done! But as a BS these are OUR choices, OUR options, as I see them. Others may see them differently, and that is of course their choice. We all have choices, dont forget that, whether we see them or not.
So basically, I guess I just answered my own question...lol
If my needs arn't going to be met than I'm done with my marriage. Why? Because, I don't think I should have to spend my life feeling like I'm starving for attention, respect, honesty,love, etc.Why did you get married to someone? For me it was so we could give each other those things. I sure didn't marry my H just to pick up his dirty laundry & clean his house! I have given my H those things that I just mentioned & I expect the same from him.He was a good H up until the A. Don't know what will happen from now on but I do know we won't be together if my needs arn't met.It's too hard to spend day after day aching for something that you want & can't have. Seems like torture to me. I'm giving it alittle time but if my H doesn't show me by his actions that he loves me, than we're done. I would rather raise our kids by myself. I'm 45 & life is short.It would hurt to leave him but sometimes it can hurt more to stay.
I say good for you. I felt that way for maybe the first 6 months after d-day, at which time my H was trying and seemed very remorseful. Then out of the blue H says "I dont know if I can stay in the marriage". All of a sudden it was me who had to try to keep HIM from leaving! Very manipulative move on his part and it worked for him for awhile. Then one day he says "I have no issues in the marriage". Of course not, he is perfectly happy with me not saying anything about the A so he doesnt have to feel guilty or deal with anything, and suffer any consequences for his actions. DUH! What WS wouldnt love that...not only did they have their cake and eat it too, they didnt gain any weight from eating all that cake! Guilt free, and no consequences...wow, cool! Let's get on with life now dear. Too bad that's not how it works. That's not how anything gets solved. That's not how a marriage gets rebuilt. And that's now how healing is accomplished. You cannot just push it under the table like that. But that is what an avoider does. It will come back and bite you in the a$$.
When I look back now at that moment, when he said he didnt know if he could stay in the marriage, instead of kissing his a$$ and begging him to stay, I should have just let him go. I should have helped him pack his bags! I wish I would have had the strength to do that at the time. I do now! But I was very vulnerable at the time and very scared, still trying to process all that had happened and trying to hold my marriage together, especially for the childrens sake if nothing else. But it has been 10-11 months since he said those words to me and he is still here. Now, I see it for the manipulative trick that it was...he wasnt really going to leave. And boy do I feel like an idiot now. But he is still up to his old tricks. He refrains from showing me too much affection because he needs to keep control of the sitauation. If he shows me just how much he loves me he is giving up some of his control. It is a game to him...keep your poker face on, and you hold all the cards. He gives me enough to keep me hanging on. And sometimes when he lets his guard down he gives me a little more than he intended too. Then he will realize it and get all freaked out and act all detached again. The problem with this dangerous game that he is playing is that the consequences will be for real if he loses. He says he has nothing to lose, but I beg to differ. He has so much to lose, whether he sees it or not. Once it's gone he will miss it!
So stick to your guns Barb. Be strong! Don't "settle" for less than you need...for less than you deserve.
<< I think it would be difficult to live in an "empty shell" marriage...one where you felt that there was no exchange/reciprocation of the affection and love. I wonder why he is doing this? Has he always been this way? You mentioned an accident that he was involved in...was there some change after that? I am sorry you struggle...I struggle too but at least I don't have to make a decision, it was made for me. All I have to go is get on with my life....that's hard too. >>
It is difficult! I have felt very lonely and I have felt as if I just dont matter. But the stronger I get, the more I feel that I do matter and should not have to settle for less than I am getting. Why does he do this? If you read my post above to Barb you would understand why. It is his need to be in control of the situation. On d-day and the first few months afterward I was the one in control and he was like a puppy with his tail between his legs. At that time he was showing me a lot of affection and begging for forgiveness, for another chance. When he started to feel guilty and wanted me to just get over it and move on, he turned the tables so he would be in control, by stating that he wanted to leave the marriage and by witholding affection.
And yes, he had an accident right after our youngest was born and he changed a lot. He was always angry after that and depressed, and he became addicted to pot. He detached from me and the kids and said he felt nothing for anyone and then he had the A. Before that I would have to say I thought things were good and I was happy. He seemed happy too. But after the accident he was never the same. He turned to pot to deal with whatever was going on inside of him instead of turning to me for support. It was through his pot addiction (and the pizzeria) that he and OW hooked up. She would come in after I went home with the kids. She apparently had some connection to some "good stuff" and in order to get it he had to put out. It disgusts me what he did for the pot! Then of course OW was not only feeding his addiction but also his ego. She saw my H as her way to get out of the projects.
I imagine I would have been even more hurt if he had just left me for that piece of trash. I am sorry you did not have a choice. But from your posts it sounds as if he isnt happy anyway. He was looking for some one to make him happy, but what he doesnt realize is that happiness comes from within. We are all responsible for that, not our spouse. But when someone cheats on you they are responsible for the pain and damage they caused you and the marriage. It's not your fault! I believe it is difficult to go on with life after infidelity no matter what the outcome is. We all still go through the pain and suffering.
I wanted to reiterate my concerns about your H's TBI (traumatic brain injury). I wonder if you could talk with him about the personality changes that you have witnessed since the accident and gently geared him towards specialists.
TBI needs to be explored and really delt with - by both of you. Closed head/open head injuries are serious and not something to ignore or sweep under a rug !!
I am sorry that he plays games with you. It must be hard to live with. I guess I am lucky because my H doesn't appear to be doing that.He says he's a f**k up for what he did & he is so sorry. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me & it will never happen again. To me they're just words, so we'll see what his actions turn out to be.He left for the coast this a.m. for his usual Thur.-Sun. temp. job & I didn't even cry when he left. Usually I hug him & cry because I don't want him to go cuz I miss him.I talked to him on the phone last nite(he was working on an electrical job here in town) & told him that he needs to start thinking about looking for a job elsewhere. He's been out of work for 12 months & I am tired of hearing"things will get better". I told him that maybe we need to start thinking about selling the house & moving.Our house is in foreclosure & we've been able to save it in the past but maybe it's time to sell it & look for work elsewhere. It's scary to start over somewhere else but it's also scary to stay here & wonder if the job market will improve here.I don't like Oregon anyway. I'm sick of clouds & rain!!!! I know I can't talk him into moving to AZ but most anywhere would be better than Eugene. We'll see what he decides. Yes Carol, I think I am strong enough now to keep standing up for myself.As it stands now, I have told my H that I will give the marriage a few months & see how it goes. He is thankful for this. Hopefully we can work things out.
"But it has been 10-11 months since he said those words to me and he is still here. Now, I see it for the manipulative trick that it was...he wasnt really going to leave. And boy do I feel like an idiot now. But he is still up to his old tricks."
Carol
Seeing these manipulations for what they are is so difficult when your still in your marriage or when it is happening. I didn't see nearly the amount of manipulation in my marriage until I was out of it. When your able to start a more healthy life style without manipulation you start to realize how bad it really was back then. I wish I had seen it so clearly back then but I couldn't. At least you are seeing it now. That is a really good thing for you because if you ever do want to leave, I think it helps you become grateful once it's over versus clinging to a relationship that wasn't good. You have grown an awful lot since you've been posting here and I, for one, am happy to see it. We all have for that matter
"He says he has nothing to lose, but I beg to differ. He has so much to lose, whether he sees it or not. Once it's gone he will miss it!"
I'm not sure my ex thought he had anything to lose but I do believe I've seen signs of regret since we separated although he would never tell me that.
One thing for certain, regardless of how they feel they are filthy people and even if they hear violins together all of those around them will smell the filth.
Thank you for your concern, and I share your concern as well. My H refuses to see anyone about it. I suggested he get a complete physical. He has not been to a dr. in years. He says he's fine. He has a very hard time admitting any illness. Illness is a sign of weakness, according to my H. The MC also told H that he felt that H was depressed, but H told the MC that he didnt feel depressed and was very offended. End of subject as far as H is concerned. Neither me nor the MC got anywhere with him, and I have tried repeatidly.
Hey Charlie,
Thanks for the response. I am glad to know that I am making progress. I have my days but I do feel a lot stronger in general. I am emerging from the fog as well...I guess it's time to get outn those sunglasses
You may have mentioned it and forgive me if I ask you again:
have you ever sat your H down and shared with him what you have been seeing and witnessing since the accident?? any unusual behaviors? besides having an affair? I recall reading he started smoking weed at around 18... has he ever been sober since then? he is self medicating?
Just asking/telling him to go to the doc is not going to work until HE realises the accident has had some baring on his overall health and well being.... and that has nothing to do with being weak. He may have a hard head but the skull is not ingeneared to be cracked open by a blow !
I know he is self medicating. He was really into pot as a teenager because his parents were seperated for awhile because his father was cheating and ran off with OW for awhile. My H's childhood was not pleasant and he's always felt insecure. But when he got in his 20's all that mellowed out, his parents worked things out, but of course the issues are still with him, something else he refuses to deal with. While he still smoked pot before the accident it was just on a recreational basis. He did not start smoking on a regular basis until after the accident. And yes, I have talked to him about the changes I have seen in him since the accident and he thinks it's all in MY head. The MC could see how defensive my H was when we talked about it. I told the MC that after the accident H was awlays angry, stopped communicating with me, and pushed me and the kids away, and that he started to smoke pot 3-4 times a day. My H said that he wasnt angry, but you could see it in pictures that we have taken. I look at those pictures and I can see the difference in his face. And everytime I bring up the accident he gets very upset about it. The MC feels that the blow to his head could have triggered the behavioral and personality changes and could have caused the depression. But H just blew us off and ddint want to hear it. Kats, I cannot get through to him! He does not want to see it. I dont know what more I can do.
Maybe H is scared to face the changes that have taken place in himself.Since he had no control over the accident he probably feels helpless. Too bad he can't open up & seek help.It would be a shame for him to lose you & the kids because he could not face the changes that have taken place in his personality.
....And everytime I bring up the accident he gets very upset about it. The MC feels that the blow to his head could have triggered .....
Carol, why does he get upset? Do you recall that day and how the accident happened? Can you gently probe and find out why he is so afraid to talk about it?? cause anger often hides fear.
<<why does he get upset? Do you recall that day and how the accident happened? >>
Since my H basically refuses to talk about the accident and gets defensive, I can only take an educated guess as to why it upsets him so much. I can only offer you what I think he is going through, since I do not know for sure.
Our youngest son was just a few weeks old on the day of the accident. It was a Sunday. We do not open the pizzeria until 4pm on Sundays. It is H's only time to spend with me and the kids. That Sunday he had told a customer that he would go in early and make pizzas for them for a birthday party. The party was around 11am so H would need to be at the pizzeria around 10am to get setup. H did not tell me he was going in early until he was about to leave. I asked him not to go, to stay with me and the kids...I begged him really. He said he would be right back and it wouldnt take long. On his way there a car ran a stop sign and broadsided his car, which then slammed him into a parked car. It was a double impact and he was not wearing his seatbelt, which is why he hit the windshield with his head and why he needed the stitches. He also broke his clavical and got really bruised and scratched up. H also refused medical treatment on the scene and I am pretty sure I know why, although he will not admit it. Even though H was not at fault for the accident I am pretty sure he was high when it happened and was afraid they would od a blood test. Although at the time of the accident H did smoke pot it was maybe once or twice a week, as opposed to the now 3-4 times daily. A huge increase! Anyway, after he refused medical help he called me to come and get him. I had to pack up all 3 kids as fast as I could and get over to the accident scene, which was blocked off by the cops. The whole scene really scared the kids and me. H gets in the car and says he wants to go to the pizzeria to get things ready to open up. I said now way! I called his parents and his dad went to the pizzeria for H's peace of mind while I took the H and the kids to the hospital. H's mom met us there and she took the kids for me. H finally agreed to let the emergency room doctor see him. He refused a cat scan and he refused bloodwork. So they did an x-ray of the clavical and found that it was broken and all they could do was put it in a sling and ace bandage it, holding it down as best they could and limit the movement of his arm as much as possible. Then they stitched up his forehead and we went home. I told H I would go to the pizzeria and he should just stay home and rest. He refused to stay home. Although he basically just sat around at the pizzeria while I did all of the work he insisted on being there to supervise. This went on for weeks while he healed. He was angry the entire time, always yelling at me and the employees telling me to do it this way or that way, that my way wasnt good enough or the right way, and that he was the only one who could run the shop, and so on. I was so hurt and stressed out! He was being mean and barking orders at everyone. Plus, I had just given birth and was breastfeeding but I had to stop that day! Not only was it painful but my hormones were all over the place, not to mention the trauma I felt from seeing my H at that accident scene and having to take him to the hospital with the kids, and then working all those hours while he was constatntly yelling at me and putting me down. Things got a little heated between us. I could not believe the way he was acting and treating all of us, including the kids. He was so angry. He was angry that he had gotten hurt. He said things like he should have been stronger, if he was stronger he would not have gotten hurt. And I said if you had been at home where you were supposed to be you would not have gotten hurt! Maybe not the best thing to say at the time but he was acting like a jerk and treating everyone around him so badly. Maybe he feels guilty for leaving me and the kids that day, although I did not mean it as a put down. I was tired of being treated like crap, especially after just giving birth a few weeks prior. Maybe he feels guilty that I had to stop breast feeding and I had to go right back to work so suddenly. Maybe he felt he wasnt taking care of his family, that he had let us down. I can only speculate. And even after H got better he was still angry, you could see it in his face. And as soon as he got better he didnt want me around the pizzeria. He would tell me to go home and that he didnt need my help, and that I should stay at home with the kids where I belong. Prior to the accident he was loving and caring, but now he was downright cruel! He started smoking more and more pot. Even though he had been a workaholic prior to the accident, his need to be at the pizzeria increased, and he was pushing me and the kids out of his life and the pizzeria more and more. Before the accident he would be home within a half an hour to an hour tops after closing. Then suddenly it increased from an hour to an hour and a half. And then slowly to 2 hours and sometimes 3! That was when he started taking showers at the pizzeria before he came home and doing his own laundry, and stated that as the reason why he was later. When the coming home 2 hours after closing started that is when I suspected him of having an A. And of course I was right. Even during the whole time of the A (which was 2 years) he was always angry. It wasnt until a few months before d-day that I saw some of his anger subside, and I found out that was when he broke it off with OW. But even after d-day he never returned to his prior self. He did not act the way he used to act. He used to give me compliments and told me he loved me all the time, and I could feel that he loved me without question.
<<Can you gently probe and find out why he is so afraid to talk about it?? cause anger often hides fear.>>
I really dont know how else to approach the subject. Every time I bring it up he gets upset...he gets angry, or he ignores me, like I didnt say anything. Which is another personality change. Even though my H was always somewhat of an avoider, he would at least answer me or talk to me if I wanted him to. But that really changed after the accident. He would act like he didnt hear me, or that he didnt know what I was talking about, and I would have to repeat myself and still he wouldnt answer me or ignore me, or just get angry and downright refuse to talk about it, whatever IT was. Anything that was personal, about the marriage, or serious was off limits. This behavior has not changed, although he does appear to get less angry. But he still avoids and ignores. Another thing that changed was the way he talked about the future. Before the accident it was when "we" retire I would love for "us" to go here or there, or I would love for "us" to take the kids here or there someday. That changed to when I retire "I" am going here or there, "I" am doing this or that. There was no more "we", it was all about him! He started becoming very selfish and focused soley on his own needs. He was not like that before the accident. Before the accident he would do anything for me and the kids...he was very UNselfish (except for the workaholic thing). He would express his emotions. There was a time even before the A (but after the accident) that I was seriosuly thinking of leaving because he had changed so much. I didnt even know who he was. I started to take care of me and the kids because he didnt want us around and I started thinking that we should go on a vaction instead of just being stuck at home all of the time, and H could really use some time away from teh pizzeria. So I booked us a trip to Calif., so the kids could see where mommy grew up and I begged H to go. He refused so me and the kids went anyway. I gave his ticket to my sister and she bought a ticket for her daughter and we went together. That was when H started seeing OW. And the rest you guys know!
Carol~
EDITED TO ADD; I must also say that not too long before we got pregnant with our youngest son I suffered a miscarriage, which put me into a depression for a while, which lasted for about a year. All that time H was really good about why I was depressed but did not really offer me much support. I know it was because he didnt really understand what I was going through but still felt the loss. And just before that he had lost his bestfriend, who was also his cousin, to AIDS. They grew up together and was the bestman at our wedding. I know that was a profound loss for him and I dint think he ever really dealt with it. So combine those two incidents that occured shortly before the accident and well, you get a very mixed up person with a possible traumatic head injury.
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Dec 10, 2005 11:17 PM
Gosh Carol...YOU are going to get the bunk next to Mother Teresa in heaven. It "sounds" to me that your H has not yet determined that the family life is what he wants. I wonder why he doesn't leave? He could live at the restaurant? Couln't he? At some level he is not ready to leave...that's obvious. He truly has experienced some very traumatic events...you have too. Just giving birth and recooping from that is enough in and of itself. Whew. I don't think you need any more information from him. He is not into you or the family. Then, why does he stay? How stressful would it be for him to leave? I wonder what emptiness he would experience, or would he experience relief? That sounds horrible to have to read, but I am curious what he would say to those questions. I certainly don't know enough about head trauma...would he get a cat scan now? If there is any injury, I wonder if it would show up? I think your evaluation of all of this is on target...I am sure he is royally pissed off at himself for simply not wearing the seat belt. He probably would not have sustained such injuries...and YOU...having to pitch in and do for him what you did. I think there are some men who would really have a difficult time digesting that. AND, he had an A...to top it off. I certainly don't know where he needs to get. Obviously off of the drugs (that's a LOT of pot smoking). Is he doing it for medicinal purposes or to relieve the stress of his current life? I am going to throw something else out...does he want to leave but just doen't have the balls and he is, in essence, sabotaging the marriage so that you will take the initiative? I am sure that my former H did that...made life so bad that I would not want him here...he drank heavily, used foul language, got angier and I simply didn't want him around my children.....my youngest son who was still at him (16) had just lost his VERY BEST FRIEND to a fatal automobile accident. I had to take care of where he was at that time in his life too....I guess I get fed up with an adult male who is unable to assume responsibility for things. If he is that unhappy....good riddens??? That's easy for me to say....my H didn't look back once he walked out. He is still an alcoholic, doesn't have much contact with his children, and is probably losing his medical practice because of all of the stupid decisions he has made. I have been able to not have any contact with him for almost 21 days...that is so hard for me, but I finally "get it"....the man is simply "not into me." As sad as it sounds, he doesn't care about me or what I do or what my thoughts are. He doesn't think about me. He has moved on and I am sad, but unless I am a really mentally challenged person, his actions are finally helping me to get on with my life. You have young children and that will be difficult...to have to maintain the contact. I don't have to worry about that...ours are launched. Try to enjoy the holidays. Don't expect anything from him....that way you won't be disppointed. Focus on your children and being the best role model for them that you can. another thing, you certainly don't want your children to get an understanding for married life from your current marriage/relationship, do you? I think we owe our children a realisitic view of life and what it has to offer to provide health and happiness and a grounded sense of family. There are too many children being raised without a sense of that...you may have to do it alone...but at least they would know what is to be tolerated and what is not to be tolerated in a relationship.
I am positive he was not cheating before the accident because he always came home right away and his personality and behavior was always loving until the accident. In fact he never even really yelled at me until then. He would call me several times a day if I didnt come into the pizzeria, always seemed concerned for me and the children and wanted us to be happy...totally different after the accident! And since I have known him he has been a workaholic. He had two jobs when we started going out. So that has nothing to do with the A. I would say that was the only part of his personality that didnt change prior to the accident, the fact that he was a workaholic.
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Sage,
I can almost pinpoint the day he first cheated. There were huge personality clues. I knew something was up immediately, but it took me a little while to figure out it was an A. And when I knew for sure that it was I confronted him. But he denied it. And even though he did not admit to the A, I would ask him if he wanted to leave the marriage and he would say no. He had lots of outs before d-day, on d-day, and after d-day, but he didnt take any of them. He kept saying that he wanted to work things out. The MC said that if H wanted out he would have just left. After the A I sometimes felt like he was sabatoging the marriage because he doesnt feel like he is good enough for me. The MC had mentioned this too, but felt that H hasnt left becuase he does love me, even if he doesnt feel good enough for me. Instead of leaving he pushes me away, yet gives me enough to keep me hanging in there so he doesnt lose me. He said H was definately depressed and that the pot was his way of trying to deal with whatever his internal problems/conflicts are and it keeps him from feeling. The problem with pot is that it makes you depressed and keeps you depressed. If H stopped smoking it is possible that the depression would go away on it's own without meds. H will smoke pot but refuses to take meds...makes a lot of sense right?!! Anyway the MC had a lot to say about why H may have started smoking more...not being able to work when you are a workaholic is hard to deal with, feeling inadequate for feeling like he was not providing for his family due to the accident, guilty feelings for me having to go back to work suddenly right after giving birth, not dealing with his cousins death, the miscarriage, and the accident on top of that, plus the possible head trauma...the MC said it was a lot for H to deal with, plus the pizzeria and all of the stress he deals with on a daily basis, without taking any time off. He said something had to give! Anyway, now add the feelings of guilt over the A and boy is this man a mess! He will not face any of it. I keep telling him that if he doesnt face the problems and deal with them they will not go away. But it goes in one ear and out the other. If he doesnt learn to face them he is going to lose everything he had worked so hard for.. me, the kids, and even the pizzeria. I can only take so much of this avoidance crap, manipulation, and lies.
Wow...he is strung out. What I keep thinking about is that it hasn't "hit" him yet...what has to happend in order for him to "wake up"??? I don't necessarily believe in that "he hasn't hit rock bottom yet.." but I suppose there is an element of truth...BUT, I suppose too that some people NEVER surface. When I think of my former H hitting "rock bottom" (I don't think he has yet) my greatest fear is that it will be something that happens to one of the children....those who are the most meaningful to him in his life...I think our boys are. So, when I think of him having to be "hit hard" in order to come to his senses, I fear that I will also experience the pain...that's my fear. Does that make sense? We wish something would happen that would "jar them" but know in our heart of hearts that the "jarring" would mean family...sadness for us too. Anyway, you certainly are a patient woman...a saint. I know how difficult this must be for you but it sounds like you at least are living in the real world and are astutely aware of what is going on. Bless you.
