Hi Carol! Wow, your H must not be thinking too clearly. It would be awful to lose the business. Carol, reread your post & think! Your hands are NOT tied!!!!!!! You can make whatever choice you want to make. Why keep living this tortured life? You don't sound happy at all. Life is short my dear.Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Are you waiting to see if he will change? It doesn't appear that he wants to change. Sorry if I'm being blunt. I just want you to find happiness.You deserve that & so do your kids.I would hate to see him screw up the business & then if you decided to leave him , there wouldn't be much financial help for you & the kids.I'll be on here for awhile if you want to chat. Let me know. Please take care!!!!
Carol...continue the drinking, I think it motivates you to express yourself...
You are right about him...I am still guessing that he has not yet hit "rock" bottom...he is fully aware of what he is doing. How does he know that person is not an undercover cop? Well..he wasn't arrested, so obviously he is not. I think you have answered your own questions. He isn't going to do anything about himself now. Is there anyone on this forum who has witnessed the demise of their spouse? My question, what happens to these people? I know of only one person who died alone in the streets....old man, no one in his life.
You have made the choice to stick it out with him. Perhaps you need more information before you reach your threshold...the one where you decide to throw in the towell. What you want and need from him has not been forthcoming and it only appears to be getting worse. Again, the thing that would force my hand would be my children. YOU are the only role model for life that they have now. What do your children say about him? Have they noticed a change? Don't you have a son that is fairly old? Adolescent? What does he say about it? I simply could not allow my chidlren to see me continue in a marriage that was not a marriage. My former H would have NEVER filed for divorce, even though he wanted one. He would NEVER take the initiative to let his family know that he was leaving. That he was helping to raise another family. My youngest son saw the Christmas presents he and the OW bought for HER children...they had them in his office and we had to go there for something. I thought it would blow my son away...sleds, roller blades, basketball hoop....my son seeing this and knowing that his own father was going to enjoy these activities with OTHER children....he chose to LEAVE HIS OWN. I haven't been drinking, but if I were, it would get even better than this. I have realized that this is not the same person I was involved with. He is no longer interested in being with me...even though I consider myself a stronger, more grounded individual. Water seeks its own level...I have said that again. Unhealthy people have to be surrounded by unhealthier people in order to have a semblence of self-worth....those of us who are healthy recognize these dysfunctions and try not to stay connected with them. You, like me, (I thiink) experienced a time when these were not traits of the other person. NOW, those traits are no longer there. There has been change for whatever reason...you have made a choice and so has he. You are both in this relationship, at least in theory, but the practice of being married is not there. What can you live with? What do you want for your children? YOU are the only responsible adult in their life now....think about what their needs are (not to exclude your own)...
Now is obviously not the time to make a decision about staying or leaving. The holidays are here and it is the one time children can relax, play, do nothing. BUT, it is a new year coming up...I love how we look for excuses to improve our lives...oh, it's Monday..the beginning of the week. Oh, its a new year...the beginning of my life. It seems to work, so I guess we do it for a reason. Enjoy the holidays wiht the children. Put him out of your mind....stay away from the places that trigger things for you...pizzaria (sp?). You will know when you have to make your move.
You began this post with, "I've had it"....finish the sentence..what will follow? I am leaving. I am simply going to let go and live my own life? I am kicking him out? I would be interested in knowing the rest of the sentence. I did have to ask my H to leave...his behavior was not what I wanted in my home. Of course he wanted to leave, but again, would never have taken the initiative. I have been alone for...gosh, I have lost track of the time. That saddens me too. Anyway, This is the second Christmas that he has not been here....it has been a rough time....and I do miss him...not who he is now, but who he was. I am not special to anyone..that is what makes me the saddest. This man does not think about me at all...that is sad. BUT, it is reality. I couldn't live in his world. AND, he didn't want to live in mine.
This message has been edited by Sage56 on Dec 12, 2005 8:19 AM
<<Why cant he see that he is taking un-necessary chances with his future and his business, our future, and our children's futures just to get high off a little weed, which later he claimed as not being very good?>>
I know you're venting, Carol. Thank God for this forum, right? However, IMO instead of the question of "Why can't he see...." I think you will get much further by pursuing your first question: "What am I going to do?"
What helped me clarify what I should do in my marriage full of betrayals and addiction was this: What would I tell my daughter to do if she were in my situation? Answering that question brought the situation into focus real fast. Because I really love my daughter.
I also found that waiting for someone to hit "rock bottom" is a waste of time. Who knows where rock bottom is? And how do we know what that person will do once he gets there? I know my marriage vows didn't include "and I will love and nurture you while continue to hurt me with your perverted ways."
The Gospels show that Jesus gave his all for us imperfect people here on earth. And yet from what I've gathered from my New Testament reading, his stance is "if you don't want to love me, you can go to hell." Even he has his limits.
You can get thru this and be a better person for it, Carol. Remember to love yourself.
Wow, that is stupid. Plain old stupid. I don't know if I ever told you, but my ex was a HUGE pothead too. The difference is that my ex was continuously under-employed so he didn't have to submit to drug testing in a new job.
When my ex got his weed, he would go to the guy's house - I flatly told him that his supplier was NEVER welcome in my home. The other guy was a stay at home dad with 2 little ones. It absolutely amazed me that he would be so stupid - I mean, the state would have taken his kids, probably his house (they can seize that!) and any cash he had. Evidently, it was all worth it to him. When the ex would go without weed for a day or two, he became unbearable to live with. I just never GOT how much he was willing to risk for pot.
Lots of people try it (I did, in my younger, wilder days) but I think most grow out of it. My ex never did - and it sounds like your ex hasn't either. What a mess!! I'm so sorry that your ex is willing to risk everything for drugs.
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
I cannot believe you feel that you are not special to anyone! That is not true. You are special to us and I am sure you are special to your children, family, and friends.
Your story about your son seeing all the presents and knowing that their dad was going to spend his time with OW's children and share the activities with them was heartbreaking! I think you are strong because I would have been a mess.
You ask a lot of good questions. What do I want for my children? I just want them to be happy. And right now, ignorance is bliss and they seem pretty happy. I am careful not to say anything about what happened in front of them. I did slip one time, and did not know our oldest was in the hallway when I freaked out on my H one night, after a few drinks of course. I told H WE needed to talk to him after it happened, but of course H never found the time and avoided it. so I told my son that mom was a little angry at Dad for something he did, and that I should not have yelled at him like that. And I apologized to him that he had to see that. All he did was give me a hug and told me that he loved me. Even without me telling him in so many words I am sure he knows what is going on, afterall he is 15 years old. The two little ones have no clue, and right now I am ok with that. Not "if" but when the time comes that they need to know I/we will tell them.
You have to realize that we do not have a traditional lifestyle having a pizzeria, just as many business owners, especially if they have family run restaurants or bars do not. My children know this and understand this. They are aware that most families are not like ours, and they know why. The way we live has been all they know, and for them nothing has changed. They do not see their dad that much. They spend a few hours a week at the pizzeria and they see him for half a day on Sundays, this is normal to them. Since they hardly see him they are not aware of his addiction or the A. BUT Yes, they do get upset that dad does not spend more time with them, and yes, they dont understand why he will not go on vacations or takes days off. Lately when they ask me these questions I tell them to ask their dad because I cannot answer for him. Of course they dont ask him! But I really think it would be a good thing if they did, which is why I encourage them to. He should hear their concerns and he should have to answer to them for his behavior. I am tired of making up excuses for him as I have done in the past so I dont anymore. But I do explain the nature of being a business owner and the responsibilities that go along with it...anything more is up to him, because beyond his responsibility to the business as the owner he has a responsibility to the children as their father as well. That is the part he is not living up to and I believe they know that or they would not ask me those questions. And apparently they ask me and not him because they know dad isnt going to answer them. But through all of this and our lifestyle I do know they feel loved and I know they feel safe, but I also know the older they get the more they will question things. I/we will tackle those questions/concerns as they arise. I think that is normal in all families, no matter their lifestyle, or family problems. It is when we avoid dealing with the questions and disregard their concerns is when I feel we run into BIG problems as a family...which is what my H is doing and probably will continue to do and I do see trouble on the horizon as the children start to have more concerns and ask H the tougher questions.
