I was wondering how many of you kicked your WS out of the house on d-day, or even after, or maybe you left the house? And if so, did it work? Did the WS wake up and realize they needed to do something to save their marriage?
I have asked this before...many say that if you kick out the WS it is the begining of the end, that seperation doesnt do any good. But I have also heard that the WS finally saw they had something to lose that there were consequences for their actions and worked hard to save the marriage. I have often wondered if I did the right thing by not kicking my H out, or at least going so far as to try. My H keeps saying he has nothing to lose. He is wrong. At this late point, 18 months since d-day, I really dont think it would do much good now. But I still wonder if I should have...
I know my H pretty good and if I did something like that now, if I told him to leave, I know it would be over. He is too stubborn and has too much pride, plus he says he has nothing to lose. He would probably even be relieved that he did not have to make the choice to go so he did not have to feel like the bad guy. He can say "my wife kicked me out", and probably wouldnt even tell anyone it was because he cheated on me for 2 years and didnt do anything to rebuild the marriage...that I somehow treated him like sh_t, like he said the other night. Anyone who knows us would not believe it.
I have a friend who told me that maybe he needs a little scare. If I dont want to kick him out that maybe I should leave for a few days and get my MIL to take care of the kids for me. Just go to a nice hotel close to home and dont tell him until I am there...no warning, just leave, but let him know where I am, and not even tell him why. I certainly could use the time alone to think, that's for sure...maybe get some much needed sleep and de-stress! Any thoughts?
Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Mar 7, 2007 2:31 PM
Hi Carol! I kicked H out a couple of times. The first time was in Oct. of 2004 when he told me he was going to Jamaica & had reserved his ticket several months earlier. I guess we were apart aboutabout 3 or 4 weeks because he went on his trip during that time. during this time I was pretty sure he was having an A but didn't have much proof yet. I also kicked him out a few more times but it was only for a day or two. I don't think I would do it again but that is just my opinion. It didn't seem to help much. Just made me wory about what he was up to & gave him a chance to have fun & drink with his friends. I don't think I will kick him out again unless I decide to end it for good.
Hi Carol,
My one caution would be what would the law say to you if you left for a few days and came back and your H said you deserted the family, and MIL had to take the kids because you didn't want them...you could loose the kids and your home...not sure what the law says but would consult a lawyer first before you take a break...good idea...but check out your rights first.
I said this on the other board but I think it deserves repeating here.
Don't leave or kick him out to punish him or to get even or to prove a point or scare him. It will likely backfire in your face.
Move out or kick him out because it is what you want and you have reached your pain threshold and are ready to put an end to things. If he happens to find his way back then that is good, however don't expect that will happen.
If you want to negotiate a temporary/short term split where you both come together after say a month and discuss where each of you are at - then you could be more hopeful. It would be a mutual decision with both parties involved and still communicating.
What often happens with kicking them out or leaving yourself is alot of anger. My exH to this day has told everybody that "I kicked him out of his home". Funny they never got to finding out about the affair part. He comes out smelling like roses, and I look like a bitch. We will see who has the last laugh though
Carol, you leaving to live in a hotel for a few days is wrong on sooooo many levels. The first one being that in our state (Pa.) it would go against you if you and H broke up. He could say or his lawyer would say that you abandoned him and the children especially if you did it without warning.
The second reason is like what Kid said. Don't do it to play mind games with your H. Your H is either capable of getting it or he isn't. I think deep down that you already know that he isn't. Mind games are not gonna help him "get it". I think you are grasping at straws or anything to avoid your ultimate decision. I certainly don't blame you. I have struggled with the staying or going issue as well. I know that we all have to come to terms with what we choose to do (important decisions) long before we do it.
I'll go one step further. I think that even if your H went to Italy with you that in the long run it won't be enough for you because him going to Italy does not have anything to do with the behavior that you have to endure on a day to day basis living with him.
I'll shut up now. But dear Carol, just know that I wish you well.
I am grasping at straws and I know it. It seems that I have done all that I can and he doesnt get it...doesnt want to get it I think. He says he wants the marriage but he sure doesnt show it. Words are only words. There are several things he needs to do in order for the marriage to work and I dont see a willingness in him to do any of them or even TRY to do any of them.
1) Figure out why he had the A. This takes looking inside of yourself and he cant do that. He is too afraid to even begin to go there.
2) Stop smoking pot. First of all it is illegal, and second it is a mind and mood altering substance. How is he ever suppose to know his true feelings if he doesnt feel anything? And it is his addiction to pot that allowed him to say to himself that having an A was OK. And pot is what he and OW had in common, it is what bonded them, and it was what the relationship was based on. I dont see him stopping. He sees nothing wrong with smoking pot on a daily basis and thinks it should be legal. Without him giving up this addiction there is no way the marriage is going to work because he will always be vulnerable to having another A, plus it's just wrong and unhealthy. He needs to grow up and face responsibility, not keep running from it by smoking pot.
3) I want him to go back to counseling to get help dealing with his issues...the childhood issues that lead him to start smoking in the first place and his subsequent addiction to it because of self medication. He refuses to go. He doesnt think he needs help when it is obvious that he does since he cannot face them on his own. We went to 4 mc appointments about 6 months after d-day and after that he said everything in the marriage was just fine, he had no issues with the marriage and no longer saw the need to go. Nothing was solved.
4) He has to learn to communicate. I think we both do...we need to learn how to talk to each other so that the other hears us. Most of the time he wont even let me talk to him and when I do he normally doesnt say anything. He wont even answer a direct question. We can not rebuild a marriage if he will not talk to me about it. Communication is vital to any relationship and life blood after infidelity.
On d-day he said he would do whatever it took and promised he would do all of the above...18 months later and he still has not done any of them. He has broken promise after promise to me and I am just feeling like such a fool. I really thought we could work this out. I loved him enough to try for both of us, and for the kids. Try as I might, it takes two no matter how much I love him.
Hi Carol! A marriage is supposed to be a union, a partnership. Your H is not willing to step up to the plate & do his part as H & father.Sorry to be blunt. I got the flu last nite & am sitting here drinking sprite & thinking of all I have to do today. I guess I should say that after all this time he hasn't shown much progress & since he sees nothing wrong with the marriage, himself, or his pot habit, you are left with not much to hang on to. He's happy or at least content & you are miserable. Not a very good life for you Carol.
This message has been edited by Barbarapat on Dec 21, 2005 11:25 PM
Hi Carol...sorry you are feeling so discouraged. I think I could have written your words..we have said this before. If you honestly stated the conditions of the marriage to your H and he UNDERSTOOD them, and he is not following through...it sounds like you are doing this alone. I agree with the rest of the posts...I dont' think he needs to be "challenged" or "threatened"...his behavior is enough of an indication for you to know what he is and is not doing. As sad as it is, it appears that he is not as vested in maintaining the partnership as you are. You will be in this alone....always making yourself happy and not having anyone behind you to support or encourage your efforts with life...if you know this and accept this, then you are fine. However, if you need more from him and he has not been forthcoming, then you might have to make a move that will allow you more respite from the lack of interest on his part. I recall thinking that living with my husband was like having candy but I was not allowed to eat it...does that make sense? That's the only metaphor I could ever come up with. What is it that is keeping you in the marriage? Is it the children? The security (which you don't sound like you are getting from him...financial, maybe, but not emotional)? The lack of loneliness? I think you need to think about what it is that he is providing and whether or not you could live without it. If he is unwilling to come through with his agreement...then that is information you have about HIM...what will you do with that information? You can continue to live in this "arrangemnt" for the rest of your life and if that is okay, then so be it. If there is more support from a partner that you want....you might have to reconsider. Is is worth keeping it the way it is? Or, is it worth leaving what you have now and hoping that without him you are as satisfied and fulfilled with life? Divorece is horrible for children. BUT, how will their relationship change with th eir father? It might encourage him to be more involved? Take more responsibility? Who knows. And you won't until you decide what recourse you have. I think you need to have a "heart to heart" with him. If he continues to say that h e has nothing to lose, why don't you believe him? You say that he has a lot to lose, but according to him, he doesn't. Perhaps he is trying to make it so bad for you that he does leave...only becuase he can't face the role of having to do it himself...decide it himself. I thin that my marriage ended becuase he didn't have the strength to assume re sp[onsibility for the final split...I had to because I was not willing to compromise what my values were vis a vis family and marriage....good luck. Try to have a wonderful holiday.
It works if is really the end. Only when you know in your heart that there are no feelings left for this person; no love, no hate, just a great desire to start all over without him or her you can move out and be okay. But if there are still feelings, the separation will only add more pain to the relationship and another reason to be upset. My H has left me four times. This last time only 13 days ago and last night he came by to let me now that he wasn’t sure about his decision. He still had feelings for me and I had them for him, but each time the crap hits the fan, he ran like a coward and it only aggravated the whole situation. So in other words, if what you really want is to cut forever; leaving him or kicking him out is the best tool you have to end it. But remember only if you really want it to be over.
