I need to talk to someone. I feel like you are the only ones left in the world who will understand. There is nothing you can do, but I need to talk.

First a little background for those who don't remember or never knew in the first place. I found out 6 years ago last June that my husband had been involved in a ten month affair. I found out when the OW herself, tracked me down and told me all about it. My H, while admitting to an "affair", to this day, swears that no sex was involved. She told me different and I also found some damaging e-mails from the two of them. I went out of my mind, tried to kill myself many times, he always found me and got me to the hospital. I lost 50 pounds, my hair fell out and I nearly lost my sight. I stayed with him.

Flash forward six years. I have been getting some red flags in the last few months. Nothing I could really put my finger on, just that old "gut feeling" that something was different somehow. Now, I am getting flashing red lights, buzzers and bells!! Last month when I got the cell phone bill the statement said that there had been nearly 300 text messages made! I questioned my h about it and he said that him and the guys at work get bored so they text each other to pass the time. Ever since this happened, he has started hiding his phone or keeping it on him constantly. The only time I ever got my hands on it was one time when he put it in his gym bag while he coached basketball. I opened the bag and noticed that the light on the phone was on. I looked and it said he had a message. I opened it to read the message and it said,” hi, honey, hope you are having a nice day..." I didn't have time to read any more as I saw him coming towards me. I ran to my purse and copied down the phone number as quickly as I could. He asked me what I was doing and I showed him the message. He said,” go ahead and call it, I don't know who it is." Then he got his phone and called the number himself. He talked to whoever answered for a while and walked away so I couldn't hear him. When he got off the phone, he told me that it was somebody who had gotten one number wrong and he didn't know them. Not wanting to cause a scene, I let it go. When we got home, I tried to call our cell phone company to get some information. I needed a pin number. I tried to go online, and the same thing. I needed a pin. I asked my h to give me the pin and he refused. I asked to see the phone and he refused that, too. This was last month and he is still hiding his phone or sleeping with it on. When I confront him about this, he says that he has spent six years telling me everything, letting me know everything, and more or less having me rule his life 24/7. He said that he is tired of it and that is the reason that he will not give me the phone or the pin. If I can't trust him by now, I will never trust him and he's not giving in.

I have laid out an ultimatum. I told him either he gives me the pin, and the phone, or I am leaving him. We have a substantial tax refund coming back and I told him that I am taking it and leaving him. He told me that it was up to me. I should do whatever I felt I had to do. Just like that. It's over. I will have a bunch of money and no where to go. But, I am leaving. I am going to buy a bus ticket to some place warm and disappear. I am leaving him the house, the kids and everything. I am tired of all of this, too. I am so tired of being suspicious. So tired of "spying" on him. I am tired of feeling cheated. I tried for six years to make it work. I can't do it.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe he isn't up to his old tricks, but why wouldn't he just give me the pin or the phone if he wasn't guilty of something? I am so lost. I feel numb. I know if I leave, I will never come back. I will never call him or contact him again. It will be horrible and my kids will be devastated, but I don't know what else to do. I can't deal with this anymore. I am tired and defeated. He won.

Aanisah,

You don't have to do it that way.

You don't have to take away from yourself just because he might be doing that. NO more suicide attempts. No more starvation. No more thoughts of bus trips away....alone.

Could you take the tax returns, hire a good attorney, do it, and get some resolve for you and your children--financial and otherwise?

I did it. I was a total wreck for a while too, but not any more.

WOW. What a shithead your H is. Sorry, but that story actually made my jaw drop.

First thing - YOU might have tried to make it work, but HE must have quit at sometime, so don't take the responsibility that you couldn't make it work.

Second - PLEASE think about just up and leaving your kids. I don't know how old they are but I would imagine whatever their age, you doing a disappearing act will do more damage to them than you really want. Plus, do you want your H raising your kids, teaching them right from wrong? ICK.

I think you know that those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing - tired of giving you info or not, he would just do it and be done.

Like RW says, take the $ and hire a kick ass attorney. Or, take the kids and go on a vacation somewhere warm and then come back with a clearer head and file.

I recovered for 2 years and thought things were great again.. and got the same GUT feeling you did. It's weird how on the mark that is, isn't it? My ex had looked up a skank from his past and was taaaaaaalking to her. She was SUCH a good listener, bless her heart! They're getting married in two months.

I'm not saying you haven't REALLY thought about this, but please think about it a little more. It seems like your kids will be punished more than anything.

I'd tell you to hang in there but that won't even scratch the surface. Please keep us updated.

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Yes it does appear he is straying again.... Remember that phrase "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck"?
I don't know if I'd roll over easily if I were you though. Right now you are so hurt, but you have yourself and somehow the kids to think of. If he's that sneaky he should have to pay. Just my 2 cents worth

Aanisah,
I have found myself in a very similar situation, recently, and I understand the pain you are feeling. Ask yourself what staying with him has given you.

>>> I showed him the message. He said,” go ahead and call it, I don't know who it is." <<<

He knows you have to either call him a liar or take his word; call him a liar and he’s on the defensive. Before you know it you’re caught up in his game and he has you right where he wants you because he knows how to play it so much better than you.

>>> he says that he has spent six years telling me everything, letting me know everything, and more or less having me rule his life 24/7. . . If I can't trust him by now, I will never trust him and he's not giving in. <<<

Is there a manual cheaters use? I have heard this exact same speech, almost word for word. If you can’t trust him by now, it’s probably because he’s given you very little reason to. Have his actions been trustworthy? Trust your instincts. It looks like he has something to hide and he wants to make you the bad guy.

>>>I have laid out an ultimatum. I told him either he gives me the pin, and the phone, or I am leaving him.<<<

I’m glad you’ve taken a stand but be careful of ultimatums. They often backfire. Yours allows him to continue playing games with you. Take that possibility out of the equation. Are you really going to feel differently if he hands over the phone and pin? I think you know what you’re going to find there.

>>> He told me that it was up to me. I should do whatever I felt I had to do. Just like that. It's over.<<<

Were you hoping he’d “fight” for you and tell you to stay? I know that’s what I wanted. Show him that you respect yourself more than he does. We all want to be indispensable, but sometimes the price is just too high.

>>> I am leaving him the house, the kids and everything.<<<

Is there some way you can get him to leave instead? I worry that you may lose a lot of legal ground if you just leave your home and children. Don’t give him the opportunity to accuse you of abandoning your children. If you need to take some time to think things through then do that. But have a plan, don’t just walk away. You’ve got way too much to lose.

>>>Maybe I am wrong. Maybe he isn't up to his old tricks, but why wouldn't he just give me the pin or the phone if he wasn't guilty of something? <<<

Stop. I know what you’re doing. I’ve done it many times, myself. You’re not wrong.

>>>It will be horrible and my kids will be devastated, but I don't know what else to do.<<<

You can focus on helping your kids deal with this. Don’t walk out of their lives; they need their mother. Whatever you do, don’t forget that.

>>>I can't deal with this anymore. I am tired and defeated. He won.<<<

No, he didn’t win and you’re not defeated. You’re standing up for yourself. You’re deciding you deserve better. I wish you all the best.

DG

(((((((((((Aanisha))))))))))

I feel that your gut is right.  I am so sorry.  And boy did this bring back a flood of triggers for me too.  My H did the samething when he was cheating.

<<Ever since this happened, he has started hiding his phone or keeping it on him constantly. The only time I ever got my hands on it was one time when he put it in his gym bag while he coached basketball. I opened the bag and noticed that the light on the phone was on. I looked and it said he had a message. I opened it to read the message and it said,” hi, honey, hope you are having a nice day...">>

The message on my H's phone said "Good Morning. I love you".  HUGE RED FLAG...no, it's more than that. It is PROOF. Undeniable proof (although they try to deny it).

If you want to leave I cannot blame you.  But I dont feel you should leave your children.  I dont know how old they are, but I would never just give up my kids to some one who lies and cheats.  No exactly the ideal parent.

I am so sorry this is happening to you all over again.  ((((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))  Carol~

 

I'm so sad for you. I have read over the years how hard it has been for you and how heartbroken you have been. Please take care of yourself. So sorry. Love, --Rosie

It always helps so much to come here and talk to all of you. Thank you for your replies. You seem to know just how to settle me down when I am hysterical.

I am going to take your advice. I am not going to make any rash decisions right now. I have a couple weeks before the refund gets back. Once it is back, I can set it aside until I am calmer and can make better choices. There is no rush.

I sat down with my h last night and we talked for over an hour. He wasn't on the defensive anymore. He said that he didn't want me to leave, EVER. He cannot live without me and he begged me to stay. He said if I tried to disappear he would sell the house, put the kids in the car and search the entire country, until he found me. He said he would never give up until he did. He said that he doesn't know any pin for the cell phone, he has never called them and he has no idea what the pin would be. I told him to call them today and ask to reset it, then give it to me. He said he would. He reminded me that he made a promise to me 6 years ago and he has not broken that promise. I know where he is 24/7 and there is no chance that he could be doing anything. This is pretty much true. He goes to work, he comes home. He calls me everyday from work on their phone, not his cell phone, so that I can see he is at work. It takes him seven minutes from work to our house, if he isn't home in seven minutes, he calls me. If he leaves, he takes one of the kids with him, or I go. The only time he is ever out on his own is when he goes shopping for my birthday, our anniversary or Christmas. Then, he calls me two or three times while he is gone. He never goes out with the guys or goes to his friends' homes. I have NOT imposed these restriction on him, he did that himself. It has been this way for the entire last six years.

When he talks to me, he seems so sincere. I can't help but believe him. When I am by myself, that's when the doubts creep up on me. I still don't understand why he would hide his phone. I still am not sure I believe that the "hi, honey" message was a wrong number. Yet, I don't know where he could meet anyone or how he could have a relationship with them. I know where he is every second of the day. He can't meet anyone at his regular job, there are only 74 employees and they are ALL men.

Maybe I am boxing at shadows. When I found out about his affair, I was so blind sided. It was such a shock! I had no clue that he was capable of such deceit, let alone was totally immersed in it. I felt like such a trusting fool. I swore to myself that I would never be so stupid again. At first, I was like a private detective. I snooped, spied, and questioned everything he did, every move he made, every breath he took. Over the years I have relaxed my strangle-hold, but I haven't let my guard down completely.

We have three beautiful children, twin 13 year old boys and a 9 year old princess. I am a stay-at-home mom, so they are used to me being here for them 24/7. They have had a babysitter come to our home once in 13 years. My mother-in-law watches them at her home once a year when we go out for our anniversary. We do everything else as a family. So, you are 100% right that it would be horrible if I left them. I was speaking from hurt and fear, not from my heart. I might say I would leave them, but I am sure that I could never actually turn that doorknob and walk out the door. It would rip my heart out.

So, that is where I stand at the moment. Thank you so much for writing and helping me calm down and think rationally. It means a lot to have people like you, who I have never met, care enough to take the time to reach out and touch my heart.

aanisah

Why is it when things seem at their lowest, it can always get worse?

I was feeling pretty upbeat after my h and I talked the other night. He was being so loving. When he came home from work I asked him if he called the cell phone company and got the pass code. He said that he had, but he couldn't guess the pass code and they had told him that there was no way he could reset it without the original. He said he was thinking of switching the phone company, so there wouldn't be any more problems like that. This was crazy because he loves that company and raves about it to everyone. We have had it for over two years and he has always swore he would never change it. I told him that I would call them and see if I could get someone to do something. He got real nervous and said I could call when we got back, he wanted to take the family out to eat. I told him it would only take a minute and that dinner could wait. I called and talked to a lady. She was pretty evasive and kept putting me on hold. Finally, she came back and said that she could not give me any information because there was a block on our account. I asked her when it was put on and she said, "Today." Well, my husband went ballistic and said she was crazy. She said, "would you like me to read the memo?" I said, "absolutely!" She said "at such and such of time Mr. XXXX XXXXX called, he gave the pass code. Then he change the pass code and verified the pass code change. He left specific instructions that no one can access the billing files except him, especially his wife." I said, "it said 'especially his wife?' and she said, "yes." I thanked her and hung up. My h repeatedly swore that he did not get through and talk because he didn't know the pass code. That the woman was lying.

So, it looks pretty cut and dried. I didn't go out to eat with them. He took the kids and left me all alone.

Sometimes I think I will take your advice and hire a good attorney and other times, I still want to disappear. I cannot believe that I am going through this again. Those same feelings. The same sense of plummeting down into a cold, black, suffocating hole that never ends. The baseball bat to the stomach. They are all back. I am too old to do this again. I am too old to start over again. I haven’t really had a job in 17 years! What am I going to do? I can’t support myself, let alone three kids! I am getting the tax refund but, it won’t be enough to secure a divorce, get a home, support the kids, or give me time to find a job. I could live on it for a few months, then what? Why am I the one getting hurt because of what he did? AGAIN!!

How does a person whom you have loved completely and given everything to, throw it all back in your face like it is something distasteful? Yet, I still want to believe him. I still want this to go away and we can be happy again.

aanisah

((((((((((((Aanisah)))))))))))))

You know the truth in your head and your heart.  Do not let him fool you again into thinking you are crazy. I understand about the feelings and being scared about the future.  THE LAWYER will help you there.  He/she will put many of those financial fears to rest. You really do need to go see one.  It is a very hard step to take. But just because you talked to the lawyer doesnt mean you have to do anything right now.  Just get advice, that's all and see where you stand financially.  But the rest, all of the emotional stuff and the kids, I dont know Hon.  It hurts to start over again when you have invested so much time and love and have children.  But you cant keep letting him hurt you like this.  I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better.  Please know that we are all on your side...we are all thinking of you...and I am sending you my prayers....Carol~ 

Dear Aanisah

This is one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve read on this board. Damn your H if he is willing to make you suffer all over again for his own selfishness. That is unconscionable and cruel. Like you, I am 6 years out from d-day and one of my biggest fears is having to go through another one. My heart goes out to you.

I do not know if this would be helpful, but I have known of this company for several years. They are apparently able to trace any number, any type of phone and give reports of numbers called, incoming, outgoing, etc. http://www.abika.com/Reports/FindPhoneNumbers.htm I have never used this service, but I sure would if I felt the need to and I have it bookmarked just in case. I have e-mailed the company to inquire about a specific type of phone search (to see if it was available in my country). A company rep was back to me within the hour with my answer... so they seemed on the ball. Results are quick and fairly inexpensive (at least compared to a PI). It
may give you all the answers you need without any cooperation from your H or the phone company.

I hope this helps. Keep well.

M.T.

Hi Aanisah. I am so sorry that you are having to go thru all of this again. How can some people be so cruel? It makes me wonder why I am trying with my H. It makes me wonder if there are just 2 types of people:those with morals & those without. And if a person cheats once maybe they shouldn't ever be given another chance. Makes me want to run to the phone. call H & tell him to leave. So, I wonder what makes any of us stay & try again? Must be love & hope. Be strong honey. Do you have anyone there to talk to? That is my problem. No family or friends.It's hard to be alone. Thank god for this group!! Remember that we are here for you. Can you think of little things to do to spoil yourself? Remember that he is the one with the problem. You can hold your head up high & realize that you did your part in the marriage. He just failed to do his. Concentrate on being a good mom. Do some crafts or something with the kids, surprise them with a nite out at the movie theater.You & your children are a family no matter what.You are special & worth the time & effort to make a good life for yourself.Your H has some serious character flaws & I don't see how they will lead him to much happiness in his life but you don't have to let him drag you down too. There can be a good life without your H if that's what you choose.God Bless you!!

Aanisah,

I was kinda afraid you might find out more.

Maybe one empowering thing to do would be to have a free consultation with an attorney just so you can gather information.

DO NOT LEAVE THE KIDS!!

Any irrational move like that could backfire if you should end up in a custody battle.

If there is one thing I've learned through all of this (and other people's stories) is that when times get crazy and extremely emotional, you need to be very careful what you do. It's better to assume a court battle is ahead, and that anything compromising you do or say might be used against you, than to think it could never happen to you. It can.

I hope things turn out ok with that phone issue.

I think everyone knew I would find out more. So many have went through the same darn thing.

I will take your advice and not leave the kids, R.W. I am going to let him THINK that I am leaving so he will be sure to give me the money. If he had an inkling that I was going to involve a lawyer, he would snap up the money in a second.

Today I went through my dresser and gave most of the clothes to the Goodwill. Tomorrow I will start on the closet. I kept a few things and packed them into a backpack and suitcase. I picked out two of my rings for each of the kids and put them in a box with their names on them. That should make him sure that I am leaving him. As soon as I get the cash money in my hand, I will make an appointment with an attorney. I need to at least hear what my options are. I hate to be so deceitful, but if I am going to survive this with anything left, I have to be as sneaky as he is.

No, Barbara I do not have any friends. I have family but, they pretty much disowned me when I married my h. They don’t live around here and I can’t confide in them. I haven’t worked in a very long time, so I haven’t had a chance to make any friends. I moved to this small city to be with h, so any friends I did have are long gone. His family live near but, they are HIS family. I have grown kids. A daughter who lives in Fl and two boys in Cal. They have enough on them just trying to survive in this world. I wouldn’t burden them.

So, it’s just me and the people on this board. I feel that sinking, lost haze coming over me. It comes in waves. I go from numb to hysterical, from indifferent to ready to explode. I find myself screaming blindly without making a sound. It’s all in my head, but it is as loud as a freight train! Over and over again I hear it saying, “fool, damn fool, lonely--lonely FOOL!!!

He gets home in an hour and I have no idea what battle will unfold next.

aanisah

<<He gets home in an hour and I have no idea what battle will unfold next.>>

Aanisah: On d-day I had no cash on hand, no car and I wasn’t sure if H would cancel our credit cards and empty the bank account after I kicked him out. I was alone and going insane. I called our local women’s shelter for advice and the counsellors there were extremely helpful. There was an immediate offer of emergency help -- a small amount of cash to get me through a few days, temporary housing if I required it, counselling if I wanted it and they also offered three hours of free consultation with a lawyer of my choosing so I could better make my decisions and get advice. Perhaps, before your H gets home, it might be an idea to jot down the number of the nearest woman’s shelter just in case. They may be of invaluable help should you need it.

Take care, M.T.

I’m so sorry. I know you must feel overwhelmed right now with so many decisions to make. I don’t really have anything to add to what the others have said. I think M.T. had great advice about contacting your local women’s shelter. Please do that. They can help you find some answers. Keep posting.

DG

Aanisah

I am very, very sorry that your situation has come to this. I'm concerned. I'm wondering how things are unfolding.

>>I hate to be so deceitful, but if I am going to survive this with anything left, I have to be as sneaky as he is.<<

I understand - it goes against the grain. The problem that you are facing is that you are dealing with someone who is not willing to play by the rules. It's hard to understand if you've never dealt with something like this. It's hard to adjust to. But under these conditions, you need to give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Protecting yourself first won't come easily and that's probably a good thing in most situations. But this isn't "most situations".

>>I feel that sinking, lost haze coming over me. It comes in waves<<

My guess is that it will continue to come in waves for some time. Just know that you can ride them. You've done it before. You know that calmer seas are ahead.

One other thing - you are not a fool. There IS a fool in this picture but it isn't you.

You will survive this. Please do the best you can to take care of yourself. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

Quinn

"I haven’t really had a job in 17 years! What am I going to do? I can’t support myself, let alone three kids! I am getting the tax refund but, it won’t be enough to secure a divorce, get a home, support the kids, or give me time to find a job. I could live on it for a few months, then what?"

I'm also sorry your going through this. I have to tell you though that while I was extremely fearful of splitting when I hadn't worked many years and I have one child with a handicapp that could possibly be with me for life, I am doing extremely well, finishing school and am very happy. Life is what you make it - please believe that. I do have some financial backing from my ex for several years because of my lack of working, have you checked to see if you do as well?

Another gal I know who goes to school with me and was also cheated on, lives off of financial aid with her two kids (rarely even gets child support) and is getting grants (free) for her education. So her financial aid covers all her living expenses and grants pay her schooling. Yeah, she'll have to pay back the student loans for living expenses but she can get a decent job after that and she'll be okay. She graduates this semester and will get a decent job. I don't know if you have any schooling but "where there is a will there is a way" - she seems to be a poster girl for that saying


"Why am I the one getting hurt because of what he did?"

You know I may have felt that way when I kept finding more and more bad things about my ex and I was still married to him, but now I feel like he is the one that lost. I feel like I've been given a second chance at having a happier more rounded life.

Please don't let your kids go or give up on life. Try to remove yourself from victim mode by doing things that will help you. It can be done.

Charlie

aanisah, this is a community with a sort of collective spirit that stretches worldwide. Whatever you believe about a larger human spirit, this place fits into that notion, I believe. Trust me: we would feel a loss of one member. Everyone here matters to everyone else. I have to admit that I am very concerned about you and your history of depression and suicide attempts, and if there's any way I or we can reach the part of you that is reaching out to us...now is that time.

We cannot be all the help you need; we are not mental health professionals. There are enough of us who've suffered anxiety and depression that we know it will not go away sometimes without a lot of help. Please, for yourself and for your children, and yes, even for us, get evaluated for depression. After that, our shared experiences and whatever wisdom we offer here will mean much more to you.

aanisah, please, take care of yourself and get treatment for the anxiety or depression first. If you can't think straight, none of the rest of this matters.


Chris.

Please take Chris' advice.  He is right.  And we are all here for you and we do worry about you.  Please post an update so that we know that you are OK and let us know how we can help.

((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))...Carol~

I too echo what Chris said. Listen to him.

You are special. You are unique. And you betcha we DO care about you. I know we're just in the cyber world but you aren't alone.

Warm Regards,

Tex

Hi, thanks for worrying about me. You have no idea how much that means to me right now. Like you are the only people that know what I am going through and you really care. I don’t mean to leave you hanging. I really don’t. Sometimes it is hard to write when my hands start shaking. I am doing as well as can be expected. The roller coaster ride has begun in full. What a flood of old memories and feelings overwhelm every moment. Getting sleep is hard, eating is hard, I have already lost 12 pounds. Hard to believe. I am trying to drink milk and energy drinks to keep up my strength. I can’t eat, food gags me, but I can force fluids down in small amounts.

That‘s the update on me, now for the latest on my situation, and it is worse than ever. I finally got up the nerve to call the phone number that I found on the text message. (remember the one that said, “hi honey…etc, etc.”) No one answered but I got the voice mail. It said, “Hi, this is Katie and Cole, leave a message please.” I thought, “maybe he is telling the truth because it says ‘and Cole’ so it sounds like the person has a man in their life. So, she could have been messaging her boyfriend. Well, my husband has a deejay service and on a couple of occasions, he has deejayed at a restaurant/bar in a nearby city. I got up my nerve and I dialed the number there and asked for “Katie”. They said she didn’t come in until 3:00. BINGO!! pay dirt. So, I had two names that matched. I then got in the car, drove to that town (16 miles)determined to talk to Katie. On the way, I stopped by the bank to withdraw the tax money. Dumb me, in my haste, I forgot my license and there is no way that they would give me that much money without picture I.D. So I continued to the restaurant to wait for Katie. While in the parking lot, I got the feeling that I was being watched. I looked to see a girl sitting in a truck staring at me. Now, I am in OUR car, that Katie may have recognized, so I wonder if it is her. I decide to call the restaurant and ask if they are having a band tonight. A girl answers and I know her by name, she’s worked there a long time. I tried to disguise my voice and I asked her the name of the band. She told me that they were having a deejay this weekend. I asked which one and she said we only use one. I asked if it was the one from last Friday and she said, “yeah.” I said, “oooo he’s hot, do you know if he is married or has a girlfriend?” She said, “he’s getting a divorce!!!” BAM!!! Like a two by four!!! I said, “cool, does he have a girlfriend, yet?” She said, “I don’t know, I haven’t seen him with anyone.” I continued the LIE and said, “Well, then there is hope for me!” I hung up and couldn’t wait any longer for Katie to show up. I went in the bar. The girl from the phone saw me and looked like she had seen a ghost. She asked me what I was doing there and I told her I just wanted an iced tea because I was thirsty. She got it for me and I said, “so you heard my h was getting a divorce?” She said that she had heard that, but not from him. It was a rumor. I asked where she had heard it from and she him hawed around and muttered something. It was now past 3:00 so I figured Katie had been tipped off so I showed the girl the phone number I had found. She immediately went to check with their call in list(why would she do that if she didn’t recognize it?) She said it didn’t match any and walked away. A second or two later, I noticed she was on the phone. When she saw me she turned around and hung up. Then my phone went off and it was my h. I didn’t answer it. The bar phone rang and the girl picked it up. She looked and saw I was watching her and she again turned her back on me. My phone rang again and I picked up. My h said, “where are you?” I said, “I’m out and about, why?” He kept asking me where I was and I finally said, “I’m at (the restaurant) talking to Katie.” He didn’t even get quiet or take a breath. It was like he KNEW that I couldn’t be talking to any body named Katie. He started screaming at me that I was trying to ruin it for his business by going there talking stupid stuff and getting everybody involved in our private lives. I hung up, left and went home. He called me again and yelled at me all the way home. He kept saying for me to leave if I couldn’t trust him and believe him. I thought about that money still sitting there and decided to cool things down. I was afraid that he would get to it first. So, I went home and transferred it into another account that I am hoping he won’t check for a couple of days. He is at his second job and he called me and sounded upset that he had checked and the money was gone already. I told him that he had told me to put it into an account in my name, so that is what I did. OKAY--SO NOW I AM A LIAR. Well, I did put it into another account. He still adamantly denied that he has done anything wrong. He says he doesn’t know any Katie and that he is NOT having an affair, is NOT doing ANYTHING wrong. He said if I want, I can leave. I told him that I had talked to an attorney and he told me that whatever I did, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!!! He asked when I had talked to a lawyer and I said told him I did it when I was mad because I found out that Katie worked at the restaurant. OKAY--SO I AM GETTING AS GOOD AT THIS LYING STUFF AS HE IS! I am using you guys as my legal advisors!!! You told me not to leave.

Anyway. I know this is waaaayyyy tooo long and I am sorry. I tried to shorten it, but I wasn’t sure what to leave out.

I will go now. I feel a big cry coming on. This seems worse the second time. You know, hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me. Why am I so stupid?

aanisah

<<This seems worse the second time>>

Oh sweetie, you're right. It IS worse the second time around because you know what to expect this time.

You're protecting yourself with the slightly bent versions of the truth. I say good for you. STAY in the house, stay with your kids, and keep making things uncomfortable for him (and her). Just watch yourself at the restaurant, don't let HER claim to be a victim of your harrassment.

You're NOT stupid. You had to do everything you knew how to do, to leave no doubts in your own mind. Now you know. It's not you that's stupid, it's him.





Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Hold on tight Aanisah.

I had a 'round two' as well. I found it more intense but much shorter lived.

"He started screaming at me that I was trying to ruin it for his business by going there talking stupid stuff and getting everybody involved in our private lives."

I'm so sorry this is happening to you but you aren't trying to "ruin" anything, he is doing a great job of it himself. HE is the one that is to blame for any sneaking that you do - HE CAUSED THIS and your feelings and he will be the one that causes himself to get into any trouble as well.

"He kept saying for me to leave if I couldn’t trust him and believe him."

Go back and re-read that manipulation thread. That comment is the "guilt" manipulation one. He caused the way you feel by HIS inability to be honest and do the right thing.

"OKAY--SO NOW I AM A LIAR. Well, I did put it into another account. He still adamantly denied that he has done anything wrong. He says he doesn’t know any Katie and that he is NOT having an affair, is NOT doing ANYTHING wrong."

Ughh, I am so sorry about what your going through. If he wasn't doing anything wrong, then why was someone calling him to tell him you were at the bar? My bet is that it was her outside the bar and she was afraid to come in to work, she called your H to get him to control you.

"I told him that I had talked to an attorney and he told me that whatever I did, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!!! He asked when I had talked to a lawyer and I said told him I did it when I was mad because I found out that Katie worked at the restaurant. OKAY--SO I AM GETTING AS GOOD AT THIS LYING STUFF AS HE IS!"

I hate to say it but I also lied to get more truth out of my H. It was horrible that I felt the need but I don't regret it, it was my way of protecting myself. You should NOT feel bad about that.

"I am using you guys as my legal advisors!!! You told me not to leave."

You shouldn't unless you are in danger, then you should file a restraining order and have HIM put out of the house. I'm not sure how much great advice you'll get but you can be charged with abandonment if you leave your children. It could also hurt your children.

"I feel a big cry coming on."

Cry, it won't hurt anything, esp. you. It always made me feel better. Do you have any family to lean on that is close by?

"This seems worse the second time. You know, hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me. Why am I so stupid?"

Your not stupid, you are with someone who obviously has issues and doesn't want to clean his act up. He is selfish and doesn't seem to give a crap about your feelings. I have talked to people who have gotten out of the house without doing things the right way or legal way and they always regret it later. Please don't just walk away. I would highly suggest talking to several different lawyers before you decide on one. Pry them for info during your free consultations. I did, and then when we finalized our decision to split, I had already had the best one in mind. Things can get better for you but you have to start making those changes.

Charlie

I had a round two as well

Charlie