(Disclaimer: I don’t mean to offend any one by what I am going to tell you, and I will try to be as non specific as I can when telling you. If I do offend anyone I am apologizing ahead of time.)
It started with a simple back rub. All of the stress I have been under has had a toll on my body. My head aches, my neck is stiff and my back aches. My h has been doing all he can to help. He gives me head, neck and shoulder massages. Last night it was a back rub. I was laying face down on the floor and he was sitting on my thighs. Various parts of our bodies came in contact with each other and the rhythmic motion of the massage started something. The kids were in bed, but we still snuck off to the basement family room couch like a couple of school kids. I won’t go into any more detail, but suffice it to say it was amazing. It was like when our love was new, goose bumps, sky rockets, lightning bolts and all. It seemed like a great idea at the moment.
This morning I feel like New Orleans after the levees broke. I feel like I had built up this self defense system, how ever weak it may have been. Last night there was a breech of that system, it broke down and the flood waters rushed in and everything is ruined. I let him back into my space and I am not sure I am ready for that.
That said, I am not sure what to do. I still slept on the couch. I woke up at 3 a.m. and felt confused and afraid. Like I had done something I would regret. I don’t know why I feel this way.
While laying awake, I thought a lot about something Chris said on the bottom of the last thread. I have been giving a lot of thought to his words. So much of what Chris has said over the years had made more sense than I want to admit. He held on for a long time always hoping that things would change. Even when things would get worse, he kept hoping that this time it was as bad as it was going to get and maybe it would start getting better. More bad things happened, it worsened, Chris kept hanging on. For a long, long time, it never got better, yet he refused to give up hope. The message in the middle of the thread, where he excuses himself for thread jacking, I have read over and over. There is so much of me in those words. So much of what I am feeling, my fears, my struggles, my anger. It’s like that song, “Killing Me Softly”:
I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd,
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish but he just kept right on ...
He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.
And then he looked right through me as if I wasn't there.
But he just kept on singing, singing clear and strong.
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
Chris is so right on the money. He said,
“So, you've waited this long to see what would happen. Something bad has definitely happened, but he is reacting sort of correctly this time and some good may be on the way. But only you can decide.
Where your head needs to take control is to lay today's experiences against 6 and a half years ago...only you can decide how things are different, and how they are the same. Only you can make the educated (as opposed to "wishful") guess about where things might go.”
I know in my heart where they will go. They will go as they always do. My h will be sorry, do everything right, be the perfect husband…until the next time. I have to be honest with myself. I am sure there WILL be a next time. I will be older, I will be even more dependant on my h to sustain MY life. I will be more afraid to start out on my own again. So, how much longer can I do this? How many more times can I go through this before he finally finds “the ONE” that he will leave me for? There will be no more options for me then.
I want to find RW’s field. I want to believe as Chris said, “But if you keep your spirit, dignity, and sense of purpose intact, I believe the rest could fall in place for you as it did for me.” I don’t know if I have any spirit, dignity or sense of purpose left.
Today is not a good day.
aanisah
This message has been edited by aanisah on Feb 23, 2006 8:18 AM
hon, in the best light, you made love with your husband, in the worst light you had good sex with him.
this stuff happens, do not beat yourself over the head about it. as i said i happens.
can i suggest you just now remember what happened as a 'lovely event' and not put more onto it for yourself or for him.
sometimes we can be that close to people we know, even when it isnt right or doesnt feel right after.
as i said, all i can offer is, it happened, it was good and maybe bad for a whole range of reasons, but it is done.
edited to add, you are NOT weak
leave it done
hugs to you
kath
This message has been edited by spirit60 on Feb 23, 2006 8:26 AM
You're not weak. I've made love to my H almost everyday throughout this whole A mess. Only difference is that I don't have the big "O" anymore. We all need physical love as well as emotional love. Take care & hang in there!
Aanisah,
You’re not weak. We’ve all probably done the same thing. I think it’s called “hysterical re-bonding.”
I love the song “Killing Me Softly” but I’d like to share the lyrics of another song.
It has a lot of meaning for me lately. Maybe you'll find something in it you can relate to.
It’s called “Off the Hook” by Barenaked Ladies:
All around the room your things are placed
And next to you he fills the space
And so it seems your saving grace is only saving face
Pictures of the two of you on holiday, on honeymoon
You thought that he was wanting you,
But he was only wanting you to
Let him off the hook.
He was your imaginary friend
You were partners till the end
Then something bends, and then it breaks, your worst mistake
Accepting enemies on bended knees: a litany of tragedies,
You’re vexed, it seems you’re hexed and after sex he expects
You’ll let him off the hook till
(Chorus):
Something that you heard while you were sleeping left you
Shaken while he stirred. When you awaken you will
Make him eat his words right off the hook.
The credit card receipts, the dirty sheets
The souvenirs of men who cheat
It all makes sense – with each offense
You wanted to believe him
He could get away with murder one,
And you would clean the smoking gun
With every crime, you bought each line,
But not this time, you’ll make him
Eat his words cause
Something that you heard …. (Repeat Chorus)
aanisah, you're human. Don't hold yourself to an inhuman standard...but do take RW's advice: listen to what your body is telling you.
Consider the stories of all the people who've responded to you. None of us made the quick or easy decision, and everyone would probably tell you there's a great deal of pain and anguish involved in getting somewhere better.
It is not as simple as clicking your heels together and saying three times "there's no place like home". Even if home is Kansas.
Chris.
ps. Thank you for giving thoughtful consideration to what I've offered here. When something I write can strike a chord in someone, and maybe help that person to see his/her life more clearly, it means a lot to me.
I got my spirit, dignity, and sense of purpose back slowly. After so much time and so much crud built up, it took a separation for me to see myself clearly again. And her.
That’s just it, I don’t know what my body is telling me. I know that I want him. I know that he makes me feel incredible. Our love making has always been exceptional, how ever infrequent it may have been. When we made love, it was amazing. Still is.
I believe the saying that the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. When he is at work. I can think clearer. Not much, but clearER. When he is in the same room with me, I can’t resist him. Never could. He embodies all my weaknesses.
I get so angry with myself because I am so powerless when it involves him. For god’s sake! He has betrayed me, cheated on me at LEAST TWICE and here I am, still with him. Still completely unable to move, live or breathe without him.
I see no way out. I am trapped in a life with someone who is going to keep trampling on my heart because I can’t imagine life without him. How sad is that?
Have you ever seen/read the news and tabloid stories about Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston? They have this extremely disfunctional and volitile relationship filled with pain, drama and trauma but yet they stay together not matter what. Anyone who has ever seen together will tell you that they have this incredible bond. But is it "love" or "addiction" to each other that keeps them together? Or maybe the drama itself because it sure isnt a boring relationship? Maybe a combination of everything. But that is what your last response made me think of....
When you say your husband makes you “feel incredible” I assume you’re talking about when you make love. But the incredible feelings don’t seem to last long - you said after you made love you slept on the couch and woke up feeling confused and afraid. What is that telling you? You ask why you feel this way - I think it’s because you don’t trust this man and you believe he will hurt you again. You say you think clearer when he is at work. Have you considered why that is? Is it possible that when he’s with you he’s manipulating you and playing games and you’re getting sucked into it because it’s the pattern in your relationship?
Your story is so much like mine. It took me years to get to the place where I could say “I’m not powerless.” You aren’t either, Aanisah, unless you choose to be. You are not trapped. You have choices. You say you can’t imagine your life without your husband. Then stop trying to. Instead, try to imagine a day without him, then another day, then another. Then day by day, you start taking back control of your life. Don’t look for your husband to fix this for you. What can he do? Maybe he will get counseling and maybe he’ll be helped by it – I hope for his sake that he does. But I hope for your sake you realize that your healing is completely independent from his. You are the one who has to fix things for you. I know you feel trapped and overwhelmed but I think part of that is because you are battling yourself. I think you really know what you need to do even if you aren’t ready to do it.
I like what Carol said about “love” versus “addiction.” Keep in mind that love gives more than it takes away and addiction is destructive to everyone in its path.
I didn't say it too clearly before. I got addicted to the drama, trauma, and anxiety. (It sure as hell wasn't good sex keeping me around.)
For a long, long time the only thing I remember feeling is "anxious" or "angry". That's sad. I wrote somewhere a long post, I think to Bob Morbitzer, about being addicted to the anxious state.
As DG says, the only way out of that was one day at a time. Many of us have done it...you can too.
In the words of Robert Frost ("Directive", 1947)
"Back out of all this now too much for us
Back in a time made simple by the loss
Of detail, burned, dissolved, and broken off
Like graveyard marble sculpture in the weather,
There is a house that is no more a house
Upon a farm that is no more a farm
And in a town that is no more a town.
The road there, if you'll let a guide direct you
Who only has at heart your getting lost...
And if you're lost enough to find yourself
By now, pull in your ladder road behind you
And put a sign up CLOSED to all but me.
Then make yourself at home."
>>"Have you ever seen/read about aanisah and her husband? They have this extremely dysfunctional and volatile relationship filled with pain, drama and trauma but yet they stay together no matter what. Anyone who has ever seen together will tell you that they have this incredible bond." <<
>>"But is it "love" or "addiction" to each other that keeps them together?"<<
Maybe a little of both.
>>"you said after you made love you slept on the couch and woke up feeling confused and afraid. What is that telling you?"<<
It's telling me that I am confused and afraid.
>>"You ask why you feel this way - I think it’s because you don’t trust this man and you believe he will hurt you again."<<
I feel this way because I don't trust him and I KNOW he will hurt me again.
>>"You say you think clearer when he is at work. Have you considered why that is? Is it possible that when he’s with you he’s manipulating you and playing games and you’re getting sucked into it because it’s the pattern in your relationship?"<<
My h is a master at manipulation, playing games and suckering. Add to that he's a master at deception, lying, cheating, controlling, maneuvering, exploitation, persuasion, and scheming--you get the picture.
The only way I could see to get out six years ago was to try to kill myself. After failing seven times, I realized that I was powerless to do even that. I'm such a loser, I don't even know why I try. It's never going to get any better. He won't change, he can't. Sooner or later he will leave me and there will be nothing left for me. It's my fault for being so weak. I come here and get such good advice, but I have no backbone, no spirit, no hope.
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I wish I could say something to help. I wish you believed that you have the power to make things better for yourself. You will never be left with nothing; you have children and they love you and that’s everything. Have you decided if you’re going to visit your daughter in Florida? That would be a positive thing for you to focus on right now and maybe she can give you some of the emotional support you need. We all want to help but sometimes you just need someone to put their arms around you and say “I’m here.” Do you think your daughter could do that for you? Is there anyone who can do that for you right now? If there is, go to them and ask for help. It’s okay to feel weak and confused. Don’t beat yourself up over that. You’ve been through a traumatic thing and no one feels strong after something like that. But don’t give up. Your answers will come in time.
You contemplate life without a man who lies, cheats, and manipulates you and you see...what? Surely not "emptiness".
You've already raised a couple of kids. Were you on your own then?
How'd that daughter get so loving, kind, and attuned to others? My guess is her mother had a lot to do with it.
By all means...go see your daughter. DG is right...sometimes emotional support (from our blood family) makes all the difference. With your tax money, could you take your younger kids along on their spring break?
I've always found that having a trip, gathering, or visit to look forward to is a valuable thing. Right now I'm looking forward to getting together with some friends from around the country in June, and with my family in July...and I'll probably take a weekend trip with my younger son during his spring break in April. Something about "looking forward to it" keeps me engaged in the here and now in a positive way.
I agree...get away for awhile and think...do some soul searching...or whatever it is you need to do. All I know is that you need to break the cycle. You might just become unconfused, lol, dont think that is a word but it sounds good. Time away from H and the situation will do you some good. Now, go! Relax!
Massages are by their very nature a form of intimate contact so its not surprising at all so many times it leads to sex. What's wrong with that? You enjoyed it...I say good for you.
Don't overthink this. As Spirit stated<<<hon, in the best light, you made love with your husband, in the worst light you had good sex with him.>>>
and
<<<can i suggest you just now remember what happened as a 'lovely event' and not put more onto it for yourself or for him.>>>
I agree. Being touched feels good, if it didn't we wouldn't do it. It happened now its over. Don't feel bad because you had an enjoyable evening.
The problem is all inside your head She said to me The answer is easy if you Take it logically I’d like to help you in your struggle To be free There must be fifty ways To leave your lover
She said it’s really not my habit To intrude Furthermore, I hope my meaning Won’t be lost or misconstrued But I’ll repeat myself At the risk of being crude There must be fifty ways To leave your lover Fifty ways to leave your lover
CHORUS: You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free
She said it grieves me so To see you in such pain I wish there was something I could do To make you smile again I said I appreciate that And would you please explain About the fifty ways
She said why don’t we both Just sleep on it tonight And I believe in the morning You’ll begin to see the light And then she kissed me And I realized she probably was right There must be fifty ways To leave your lover Fifty ways to leave your lover
Annisah, I kinda feel like you do. I wonder why I act so insecure & clingy to my H. Seems like after what he did he should be the one feeling insecure BUT no, it's me acting like a scared child. It's not fun. I do believe we all have options though. Don't give up Annisah. Don't give all your power to him! Set a good example for your kids. I do believe that we can find some self-esteem somewhere along this rocky road. Just have some hope & some faith in yourself. You can do this!!!
Everything I've tried to do for you has always turned out wrong
It took a lot of love inside of me to keep me here this long
It's too late to dim the lights again expecting me to call
Cause tonight I'm gonna leave you and I'm leavin' standin' tall
If I could see inside your mind I wonder what I'd find
There's somethin' there that's made me come
Oh, so close to losin' mine
The tallest tree will sometimes bend oh, but that won't make it fall
I'm packin' it up to leave you and I'm leavin' standin' tall
Now I'm pickin up the pieces of the heart that you've been breakin'
And I'm down on my knees just to try and find them all
And when I get up one long last look is all that I'll be takin'
Cause tonight I'm finally leavin' and I'm leavin' standin' tall
Yea tonight I'm gonna leave you and I'm leavin' standin' tall'
Chris,
You asked what I would tell someone in my situation if they came to these boards. Tough question, but you are good at posing tough questions. Almost as good as you are at posting tough answers. I will try to answer your question, but I am not sure that it will make sense. Nothing I am thinking is making much sense to me right now.
I would tell them to get out while the getting was good. A person who can lie like a rug, bluff like a gambler, twist the truth like a lawyer and is as honest as a politician is not someone to spend your life with. To read my story here, on this board, it all seems so cut and dried. He’s untrustworthy, dishonest and he uses his charm to get away with all his transgressions. He is not a good husband, has never been a good husband and my chances of him becoming a good husband are slim and none.
So, why am I here? Two reasons. The number one reason is because I made a promise to myself and to God. I am bound by those promises. When my h first asked me to marry him, I decided that after two failed marriages, IF I did it again, I would do it till death us do part. I would be the best wife and I would never give up until the end. Number two. When I found out that I was pregnant(with twins!) I made a second promise to them while they were in utero that I would keep this family together until they graduate, marry or otherwise leave my home.
You see, I had three kids from my first marriages. They went through pure hell when my marriage failed. I remember them trying to sort it all out and the pain and agony on their faces. The look in their eyes still haunts me. I remember times when I would have to leave them with their father and my 9 year old daughter would be running after my car screaming, “No, mommy, don’t go, please don’t go! PLEASE mommy, come back, please!!” It was a court order, I had to leave her. It still echoes in my mind. I will NEVER put a child of mine through that again. Whatever hurt, pain, anguish and heartache I must endure, when all is said and done, I will suffer through it all to keep my kids and this family from splitting up. There was a movie a few years ago. I think it was called, “Hope Floats”. I don’t remember much about the movie, I could never watch it all, but there was a part when the father left and the daughter chased his car down the street. It nearly killed me. I will not put my kids through that.
I may talk big. I may say that I am leaving, getting a lawyer, all that stuff. The truth is, I can not leave. To leave would be to betray myself. I have been betrayed enough. There has to be one person in my life that stays true to me. I have to believe in me.
RW,
Let’s just say that I’ve lived it both ways. I’ve been through a marriage blasted apart by adultery that didn’t stay together. The kids suffered. Two boys and a girl. Two of them were in the talented and gifted student programs. They were all top of their classes. Excelled in sports and academics. After the divorce their grades plummeted and the problems mounted. Only one of them ended up graduating. They are wonderful, loving adults, but at 33, 29 and 26, none of them are married. None of them are in long term relationships. None of them want anything to do with marriage or children. All three of them have had serious drinking problems, two of them have had serious drug problems. They are all on Prozac. One is on methadone. They are all doing great, and I mean really GREAT right now, but it was a long and winding road to get there. I blame myself. I will always blame myself.
Now, I am in another marriage rocked TWICE by adultery. The kids are suffering. Two boys and a girl. They are wonderful and loving kids. All straight A, honor roll kids!! One of my twins already has a full paid two year college scholarship that he achieved in sixth grade! All he has to do is graduate to have it. They excel in sports and academics. They talk of growing up, getting married and having children. They are all doing great, and I mean really GREAT right now.
I'd probably continue to try holding it together in spite of your husband's knack for not doing that.
However, you will certainly be highly challenged to find your own peaceful place within that marriage.
So you have a balancing act to master. I think if you maintain a very good awareness of what you are attempting to do and why (those precious kids), then you can find your 'place', and you can be proud of yourself for it.
Aanisah,
I think I understand better now what you are doing and what your reasons are. My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult position and I know very well what a mother will sacrifice for her children. I hope that you find peace in the decision you have made. I know it won’t be easy for you but it sounds like you have made your mind up and I wish you only the best.
When you were describing the scene of leaving your daughter, I thought, "That sounds like my dad and me... also sounds like Hope Floats." That scene is the most gut-wrenching scene I've ever seen in a movie because it's so REAL. That kind of thing happens every day in divorced househoulds. My dad was JUST like the dad in that movie - all about him. The difference was, the day my parents divorced, he cried and asked my mom why she was doing it... he said, "You know I always come back!" (He was a serial cheater) WELL... isn't THAT something to look forward to?
I guess if you're determined to stay, as RW says - you'll have to do a very intricate balancing act. I really, truly hope you can find a good center for yourself. You deserve the field of gold!
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
The peaceful place within my marriage is this board. No where else in this world can I find the love and support that I find here. This is the counter-weight for my balancing act. When I have said it before, it was not a play for emotion, it was the honest truth, this board has saved my life more than once. There have been a handful of occasions when I have sat down at my computer to compose my last letters to my husband, to my children, to my family. I have started the goodbye letters and made the plans to end my life. Instead I came here and wrote to you. The outpouring of helpful advice and sometimes loving chastising has always brought me back to reality. Made me come to my senses.
I know what I have to do will not always be easy. I will have to live in a world that can come crashing down on me at any moment. I have no choice but to walk that road. I truly believed when I married my h that he loved me, only me. That our love was so strong it would last the test of time. I never in a million years thought he could betray me as he has. Not my h, we were too much in love. The way he has done it, at least twice now, has been so cruel, but isn’t it always? I am amazed how he can switch back to his perfect husband mode in the blink of an eye. No conscience, no problem, no consequences. He eats fine, he sleeps like a baby and his life is back to “normal”. I on the other hand am wracked with hurt and pain. I can’t eat, I have lost 20 pounds, and counting. I can’t sleep unless it is drug induced by my Ativan. I wake at 3 or 4 a.m. and cry.
But then I wipe my eyes, I get up and walk into the kid’s rooms. My babies, my sweethearts, my life. Sleeping so soundly, dreaming happy dreams. I cover them up and kiss them, then I just stand and watch them sleep for awhile. That is when I know in my heart, with out any doubts, that I can do this. I can stand anything he can throw at me. I will do it for them...
because that’s what mom’s do.
It may not be a field of gold, but they are worth more than a mountain of gold to me.
You have my respect. Hopefully your H will see the light and have a transformation. I wonder if he sees you as a mother figure who will always be there for him?
I don't think there is anything greater than the love parents have for their children.
Too bad our WS's didnt think about commitment, vows, us, or the kids. They are driven by their selfish needs. You are a good woman and a good mother. I hope he wakes up and sees that
Take care...Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Feb 28, 2006 2:20 PM
I probably wrote (more than once) what you wrote about making and keeping a promise, because I share your conviction.
aanisah, among other things, I was convinced all that bad stuff might happen to my boys. My older one had some rocky years in high school, but now he's a Marine (reservist) and in his sophomore year in college. My younger one also has a scholarship waiting for him, and I was scared to death that his grades would drop when his mother and I separated (the program requires a B average). The kid is in the math-science-technology magnet program, is taking English, History, Algebra II, Geometry, Physics, Technology, and Junior ROTC this semester and he's doing really well. No grade problems. In addition, he's one of the cadet leaders of his ROTC unit. He lives with me and spends a fair amount of time at his mother's.
I won't try to tell you that the separation and divorce hasn't had any effect. I'm sure it has, and I'm sure I won't see the long-term effects for many more years. Although it hasn't stopped my son from wanting to begin dating...
I understand that your previous experience with divorce wasn't good. I'm from the "learn from your mistakes" school, though. If you think those choices your kids made were somehow your fault, then okay, but I don't think they chose to do what they did ONLY because you divorced their father, and I don't think you MADE any of the three drink or do drugs any more than you made any of your husbands cheat on you.
One thing I finally figured out: I was released from my promises, and it was entirely my choice whether and how long to continue to honor them even though my former wife didn't have the same intentions as I did.
My parents were divorced when I was in grade school & I never saw my mom again. Yes, it hurts some but I have turned out fine. I am actually glad that they didn't stay together because it would not have been a happy home life. Still, I applaud you for your decision to do what you think is right for your kids. I just wonder if all of this is destroying you so much,how can you possibly be there for your kids? I don't mean that in a bad way. I just don't really understand I guess. In my own case I know I have to be happy in order to be a good parent. I don't think I would be strong enough to fake it. My kids know the whole story of the A. My H lied to them to their face & they know that too. But, they also know that he's sorry & that we love each other enough to try & make it work.I guess they have seen first hand that life can sometimes be really tough. Hopefully they will be able to learn that if you try hard you can also overcome even the tough times.I am sorry that my kids have seen my anger & my pain but it is done & all we can do is move forward as a family. I wish you peace & strength. Your kids are lucky to have such a dedicated mom.
"and I was scared to death that his grades would drop when his mother and I separated"
Chris I was scared my sons grades would drop too. My youngest had just been tested a bunch of times for a gifted class and I was worried that if he did go the next year, he'd have problems. He managed to maintain his average even while he had some hard emotions from the separation and a move.
You should be proud Chris. It is such a hard thing being a single parent and, to me, it is even more impressive when a child is doing the same with his dad because you just don't see it very often. I know my ex wouldn't want that responsibility. Custody was never an issue and I do thank god for that.
charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Mar 1, 2006 12:22 AM
Chris,
I never intended to imply that moms sacrifice more than dads. I would never undermine the love and devotion you have shown your sons. Please accept my apology if I offended you, it was purely accidental. I was speaking of my situation from my point of view. That is all.
Maybe my kids would turn out ok. Maybe not. There is no way of knowing and I am not willing to take a chance whatever the odds may be. I will stay, I will work this out, somehow.
I once posted, on the other board, a letter that my mom wrote to my niece when she was going to marry. It had so much good advice. I got it out today and reread it. Some of it I can use now to help me, some of it maybe some of you can use. I don’t know why I feel the need to re-post it, but I do.
Here is an excerpt of what mom wrote:
“You should marry someone with the same morals and Christian principals as your own. Don’t marry for better or worse, but marry for good. After you have found that special one, STOP LOOKING and set your goal to stay married. Take care of your needs first and then your wants. Be sure you understand the difference. Be careful that your marriage doesn’t become a duel instead of a duet. For every problem there is a solution, even if it’s only learning to live with it. It isn’t the load that weighs you down, it’s the way you carry it. Don’t let adversity get you down except on your knees. Never argue in front of your children, when you have them. Most of us know how to say nothing, but few of us know when. The best way to get in the last word is an apology. Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans. If everything is going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Remember that anything that is big enough to worry about is big enough to pray about. Never miss an opportunity to make your partner happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it. Love never asks how much must I do, but how much can I do. Above all don’t take yourself too seriously. Laugh a lot, as a sense of humor is an absolute necessity. There is a bit of humor in almost every situation. A long and loving marriage is a very special present you give yourself. It‘s not always easy, it takes hard work, determination and loads of patience. It is seldom 50-50, more often 60-40 and sometimes 90-10, but there are always more blue skies than clouds.”
Mom and daddy will celebrate their 62nd wedding anniversary in September. I am going to try to make it to our 15th in July.
aanisah
Love isn't in the falling----it's in the staying there.
>>I never intended to imply that moms sacrifice more than dads. I would never undermine the love and devotion you have shown your sons. Please accept my apology if I offended you, it was purely accidental. I was speaking of my situation from my point of view. That is all.<<
No need for an apology...I read it the way you intended and took no offense.
>>Maybe my kids would turn out ok. Maybe not. There is no way of knowing and I am not willing to take a chance whatever the odds may be.<<
aanisah, that's true (maybe they'll be ok, maybe not) whether they grow up in a "perfect" family or a broken one. One of my older son's bad influences in HS was a kid whose parents were married and successful people (mom a family counselor!). The kid, at the age of 17, wrecked his BMW while drunk. My point is there may be no way to know how a kid will turn out when you stay married, except this: if you're a good parent before the split, you will probably be a good parent afterward.
Good point Chris! I agree 100%! I have a 17 yr. old that has problems but we've had a good homelife up until this A mess ,so I don't think you can blame a child's behavior just on their home environment. They are individuals & can turn out good or bad because of many things.Like I've mentioned before, my parents were divorced when I was in grade school & I never saw my mom again;BUT I got good grades, never stole anything, never did drugs or drank.I think I turned out fine.
