I know you are all going to think I am crazy but for a long time now I have said how lucky I was that my H has no idea how to use a computer because I am sure it would have aided him in his A, just like having a cell phone did. So now suddenly he needs the internet...why? He says he wants to offer it to his customers when they are eating lunch. But it's not like we get many business people who come in with their laptops. We get more laymen and kids than anything else. So it makes no sense to me.
This just makes me trust him even less if that is possible! He is addicted to work, and pot and he already comes home 2 hours after the pizzeria closes because of his addictions can you just imagine if he gets addicted to the internet too! We all know how easy it is to get addicted too...and there is just so much info out there, and it is really exciting at first. And if my H is like most men he will be looking at questionable sites. It's like being a big kid in the biggest candy store in the world. And that is not good for anyone with a sweet tooth and who just cant help themselves, lol.
Technology in the wrong hands...YIKES! I guess this is a trigger for me. H never needed a cell phone until he started cheating. Then suddenly he took mine because I rarely used it and went outand got me another one. So I am thinking why does he suddenly need the internet? I hate feeling like this! I have to worry about every female customer that walks through the door, I have to worry about what he's really up to after he closes and before he gets home, and now I have to worry about the internet! UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
I know there is nothing I can do about any of those things and I have been doing a lot better. But every time something is added to my plate I tend to get a little upset for a few days...eventually I calm down though. So I just needed to vent a bit. Thanks guys.
Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Mar 7, 2007 2:27 PM
Hi Carol! Did H say why he's suddenly interested in the internet? Did a customer mention it, or a salesperson for an internet company? Just wondering why he suddenly thought of it. I don't blame you for being alittle worried. Guess there isn't much that you can do about it though. Just like I can't do anything about my H never being around much.We are stuck in these situations that we don't seem to have any control over. I just think that if they want to get into trouble they will find a way no matter what.If they choose to they will cheat no matter if they have a cell phone or not, internet or not, etc. Those things are only "bad" if used for the wrong intentions.I am beginning to think that WS are like little kids that we are afraid to let out of our sight. So much of my energy is wasted on the pain of this whole mess & worrying about if H is still lying or not.
If he wants the internet let him have the internet, but I would be secretly installing a key logger program to monitor his activities......just as a precaution.
It is natural for our senses to be on high alert, especially when dealing with an unremorseful spouse. I can see how this is a trigger for you, but maybe it is completely innocent. After all, most businesses these days have a website and you can even order pizza directly online. At the very least you can view their menu. I think you already have a website so this is sort of a natural extension. It might be completely innocent, but since your level of trust is zilch right now precautions can be taken to know what he is doing on the internet.
You are going to worry your self into oblivion. Worrying is not productive... worrying about something which may or may not happen, which may or may not be true accomplishes - nothing ! Carol, your time is more valuable that this ! The time spent worrying, Carol, use it to find your center, to find your Self. Ask your C about 'self fulfilling prophecies' - name your fear, face your fear, know your fear and the False Expectations Appearing Real (fear) will be under your control.
Kat, in theory I know what you are saying and I have released many of my fears...which is a good thing This one is just such a trigger, that's all. Why does he suddenly NEED something like the internet? Past experience with this man has proven that when he "suddenly needs something" he is using that object (cell phone, drugs, pizzzeria, ow, and including his sudden interest in politics) to fulfill a hole for him that he cannot fill on his own, which in my H's case usually leads to nothing good.
So yes, I am worrying about something that may or may not happen, but my H has an addictive personality and becomes addicted to things so easily. So the odds are pretty good he will become addicted to the internet. I know worrying will do not good. And I usually get over these triggers in a day or two whether they come true or not. Which is a HUGE improvement, lol. Before it would take me weeks, or months, or perhaps I would not let go of it at all. So I am making progress. But some times you have so much on your mind (plate) and you think "geesh, what else can be thrown at me at this point?" And sure enough there is ALWAYS something more, lol. I just get overloaded once in awhile, so I come here and dump (or vent as we call it) and I actually feel a lot better. Not to mention you guys help to keep me grounded.
"So yes, I am worrying about something that may or may not happen, but my H has an addictive personality and becomes addicted to things so easily."
I understand that completely. I also understand why you are so worried. The problem is that regardless of what your H does, you will never be able to control it. I've been there and I think the WORST thing I did was try to help him fix his issues even when my ex asked me to do so. I will never do this again with anyone.
I can see now that I was not doing him any favors even though I thought I could help him. If he didn't want to change, the only thing it would change was our relationship because I was fighting his addiction and he didn't want anything different. It stinks but it will only push you and him farther apart and may make him want to do it even more.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Feb 27, 2006 9:49 AM
Actually I have not said anything to him other than "I dont really see why we need the internet at the pizzeria?" I have not expressed my fears of him becoming addicted to it or anything. Like Charlie, I know I cannot fix him or change him or anything like that, and I am not trying to. So I am not saying anything to him...just venting here on the board. It's the only place I can say what's on my mind and feel safe. Besides, I know there is no point in saying anything to him because it will not do any good. He will do what he wants regardless of my feelings, as is his right. I know my feelings will pass....it's just a trigger.
_______________________________
When I look at what I just wrote above it shows me just how much I cant share with my H and how much I have given up of myself. And that was going to be the end of my post but then I sat here thinking why should I keep my mouth shut? That is all I have ever done and look where it has gotten me? Cheated on, lied to and betrayed that's where. I am so tired of feeling like I have no right to say what I feel. He is my husband and I should be able to say to him what's on my mind (within reason of course), and to express my fears, hopes, and dreams. But I cant because he doesnt care to hear them and doesnt have time for me, and it only annoys him. And worst, he wouldnt do anything about them anyway. Like I said, he will do what he wants. Too bad that what he wants does not include taking my thoughts, feelings or needs into consideration or even giving me the time of day. When I want to do something or make changes around the house or whatever, I ask for his input and make my decision on what is best for both of us...maybe I have to compromise a bit to make us both happy and that's ok with me...but he does not do the same for me...he does not care if it makes me happy or not, he does not take me into consideration PERIOD, and he does not compromise...it is his way or the highway. It is all about him! His attitude is like "who cares, I am doing what I want and I dont care if you like it or not or if it hurts you or not". Basically it is saying that I dont matter to him. Well, I should matter to him! I should also matter to myself. Why should I have to be quiet, so he can feel better or not have to think of me or what he is doing? No! You know what? I have every right to say that it bothers me. I am so tired of being the little submissive wife. He can do what he likes, but I can say what I feel. He doesnt have to like it either and he can just deal with it! After all of the crap I have had to deal with...too bad for him! All I am saying to him is "Hello!" ... letting him know that I am here, that I exist and I have thoughts and feelings and these are what they are....deal with it, I have to. He can still do what he wants but at least he knows where I stand. He can take it or leave it....his choice. Why am always the one who has to walk on eggshells? No on should have to do that for another person to love them. That is not love, it is submission, it is low self esteem...it is feeling like you dont matter, only HE matters because HE works so hard and brings in the money, so he gets all of the say. Nope...it shouldnt be like that! There are two of us in this marriage and I am tired of feeling alone.
Take care...........Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Feb 27, 2006 11:13 AM
Bravo Carol. Well said and you are absolutely correct. You can't change him, but you can change how you react and take a stand for yourself in the process. It's not manipulating him, it's being honest.
Blessings,
Lisa
I’m not sure, Carol, but I think I’m detecting a little anger. You expressed it very well. So well, in fact, that I got a sick feeling in my stomach when I read it because it reminded me so much of how I’ve felt over the years. It’s very demoralizing to be with someone who doesn’t care how you feel. It’s not worth it to keep quiet. Take a stand. Tell him you will not be invisible anymore. You deserve to be seen and heard.
DG.....Everything you wrote in your post is what my C has been telling me...stop being invisble & stand up for yourself...you do matter! And yes, I am just a tad bit angry but maybe I need to be angry
I guess what I am realizing is that I have some worth in this life. I am a good mother, a good wife, and I have value. I did nothing wrong and certainly nothing to deserve being cheated on. I gave up my voice a log time ago, but I am finding it again, and I dont care if it's a little loud once in awhile. You can only take so much, and I have taken way toooo much. I must stick up for myself. If I dont who will?
Take care......Carol~
EDITED TO ADD:
I talked to my C yesterday and he feels that my feelings of H's intentions towards the internet are perfectly grounded. He says H is looking for a way to make up for not having OW in his life, like his sudden interest in politics and now the internet...filling a void he cant fill, just like OW couldnt fill that void.
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Mar 2, 2006 1:19 PM
I think your C has a good point.I am glad you are finding your voice.I was wondering if your art gives you self-esteem? I was looking at the pictures you posted & damn you're good Carol!!! I can't even draw stick people!Do you devote much time to your art? Maybe it would be a good outlet for you. I wish I had some talent like that!!
...sounds like a much better title to me than the "Pizzeria and the internet..."
Barb said<<<I can't even draw stick people!>>>
LMAO Barb...me too.
Carol your artwork is fantastic. Thank you for sharing it with us. Barb asked a good question...how does working on and/or seeing the finished product make you feel?
If I had your talent I'd be thinking of a way to market it somehow. I bet alot of parents and business's would love something like that.
Barb and I would help but we want you to actually make some money from it.
Regards,
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Mar 2, 2006 8:20 PM This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Mar 2, 2006 8:03 PM
Hey Tex, glad to know that someone else is artistically challenged!God, I can still remember hating art time in grade school. We had this elderly guy who would wheel his art cart into the classrooms & teach us stuff & do art with us. I was awful at it. I do like some art though. When I was in Amsterdam yrs. ago I went to the Van Gogh museum. I love his work.
Carol, have you ever thought about painting some murals in schools? Some of the old schools around here are pretty drab & I would imagine it's that way most everywhere. Also, how about playrooms or pediatric wings at hospitals? Don't know if you have much free time but I do know you have the talent! Seems like that would help your self-esteem.
Maybe I should start an Art thread, lol. Thanks guys, really, you are too kind.
I have always loved art. But instead of using fo self esteem I have used it as a way to go inside of myself. When I was a kid and life in my house got too hard to deal with I could just go in my room and draw and get away from everyone and everything. Lets just say it happened alot so I got a lot of practice drawing as a child. Since I have been a mom that is another story, lol. But I do sit and color, paint, and draw with the kids. The murals I have done for family members and close friends. The Spideman Comic Book Page is in my little guys room. You can just imagine the reaction from other little kids when they walk in there. And the Disney Princesses with the sky on the ceiling is my daughter's room. She is getting older and this summer we are going to redue her room. So That will be fun! I have never had the confidence to do them as a profession. But they are relaxing and very time consuming...but I like that And I am one of those people that when I start something like a mural I am obsessed until it's done!!! LOL.
This one is just such a trigger, that's all. Why does he suddenly NEED something like the internet? Past experience with this man has proven that when he "suddenly needs something" he is using that object (cell phone, drugs, pizzzeria, ow, and including his sudden interest in politics) to fulfill a hole for him that he cannot fill on his own, which in my H's case usually leads to nothing good.