Hi everyone,

I thought I would check in with an update.

I don’t know what is wrong with me sometimes. He’s doing everything right, saying everything right, it still seems so messed up.

We have had a lot of long talks. He does most of the talking, I still do a lot of accusing and blaming. I had my one-on-one session with the counselor. She agreed with me 100%. She told me that all of my feelings, my ups and downs, my screaming fits, my rage and anger, my crying and my feeling like a cold, empty rock, it’s all perfectly normal reactions to being lied to, tricked, cheated on, betrayed and disappointed. So, why don’t I feel very normal? I feel detached from myself most of the time. Like I am living in a nightmare, or someone else’s life. I don’t feel REAL anymore.

One of the big things that bothers me is how my h still tries to blow this off as “just phone calls” and she was “just a friend”, someone to “talk” to. That he “thought it was okay” because they never had any physical contact. I NEED him to admit that he absolutely, positively, 100% KNEW all along that it was WRONG!!! He KNEW even BEFORE the first phone call that it was NOT “okay”. I want him to admit that he sneaked around, lied to me and covered it up from the beginning because he KNEW IT WAS WRONG!! He is having trouble admitting it, not only to me, but to himself. He finally said the words that he knew before the first phone call, but I don’t think he has convinced himself. He is still trying to justify his actions by saying that he thought it wasn’t the same as the first affair because it wasn’t physical and would NEVER be physical. It was “just talking” to someone who he knows now he shouldn’t have talked to. But, it WAS NOT JUST TALKING, it was flirting, it was sleazy innuendos, it was an emotional infatuation.

I think he was totally obsessed with her. I mean, 460 text messages, 130 phone calls, 809 minutes, 14 ½ hours in in 73 days! He would start calling her some days at 6:19 in the morning!! As soon as he left to go to work. It wasn’t every day, but a lot of them. One day there were phone calls at 10:49A, 10:55A, 7:26P, 10:30P, 10:51P, that particular day was a SUNDAY when he didn’t work and was supposedly with the kids and me all day! He says he NEVER called from our home, but I don’t remember him being gone at nearly 11 on a Sunday night. There are phone calls at 4:15A! INCOMMING phone calls at 9:58P for 21 minutes. Where the heck was I??? In a coma?

I am trying to make this work, I really am, MOST of the time. The rest of the time I feel like I have betrayed myself, that I have sold my soul to the devil. Sometimes I tell him I just can’t do this, I can’t stay with him, it’s too hard. Then, he tells me how much he loves me, he says that he is going to stay married to me until death. He says that if I try to divorce him he will fight it, and drag it out as long as he can, forever if possible. He says he will never sign any divorce papers, EVER. He says that he married the only woman that he will ever be married to.

He tells me how sorry he is all the time. He says that he was 100% wrong, that it was nothing to do with me. He is the one at fault and he accepts the blame. He knows that he should never have called her, talked to her, text messaged her or had any kind of a relationship with her. He says he feels so stupid for talking to her because he KNEW that it would never go any further. She didn't WANT him, she liked to talk to him and joke with him, she was a tease, but she wasn't interested in being with him, EVER. She made that very clear. He has destroyed six and a half years of moving forward for WHAT? NOTHING, absolutely, NOTHING. He says he will spend the rest of his life making it up to me and proving to me that he loves me, only me. He takes all of my ranting and raving, he takes all of the abusive words that I sling at him, he waits patiently until I have said what I have to say and then he tells me that I am right, and he deserves all that I throw at him. Then he tells me that he loves me and that he will wait forever for me to forgive him, that he wants nothing more than to be my husband for the rest of our days. He promises me over and over that he will never give in to temptation again, that he knows that even talking on the phone in that way is wrong. He knows that emotional affairs are as bad as physical affairs and he won’t try to tell himself that it is any thing less. Wrong is Wrong--you can't sugar coat it.

It seems like he “gets it”. But, I keep coming back to the fact that it seemed like he “got it” six and a half years ago. He was the perfect loving, attentive, trustworthy husband for those six and a half years. Our life together was pretty good, really good, in fact. Our marriage seemed to be pretty much healed. Then this, out of the blue, this happened. No warning, no months, weeks or even days of fighting or not getting along. In fact, the time that this was going on was probably one of the happiest times in the last 10 years. He was doing what he loves, coaching basketball. He was thrilled because the eighth grade coach resigned and he got to coach both the seventh and the eighth grade teams. We were doing everything together and the whole family was involved in the day to day busy tasks of running two teams. Both our boys were on the 8th grade team and our daughter was cheering with the 7th grade squad even though she is only in fourth grade. I went to all of the practices with him, all the games with him, I even video taped all the games for him. On the surface everything was as close to perfect as it could get.

That is why I was so blind sided ONCE AGAIN!!! If we hadn’t been getting along, if we had been fighting, if his job wasn’t going well, if something, some little thing had been going wrong, MAYBE I could understand that he NEEDED someone to TALK to. But, I can’t think of anything that was messed up. Except HIM. He can’t or WON’T explain it either. When I told the counselor, she said that it seemed like an odd time for it to happen also. She said that when she talks to him(which is at 3:00 today) she is going to ask him to explain it to her. She wants to know, too.

I am still so confused as to what I should do. I am still straddling the fence, hanging on the cliff, standing at the crossroad. I am no more sure of what I am going to do then I was when this started. I know I want to keep the family together, I am not as sure that I have the strength to do it. He seems to be trying with all his heart and soul. I guess I am the problem, now.

aanisah

Love isn't in the falling----it's in the staying there.

Aanisah:

No great insights or advice. I've been following your story and it brings tears to my eyes. When I read your first thread on the new affair, that horrible, breath-taking, jumpy feeling washed over me - and it was all too familar. God, I am so sorry this is happening to you - again. I'm not sure I would be strong enough to survive another round of infidelity. Hugs to you, Aanisah.

He didnt get it six and half years ago and he doesnt get it now.  He is still manipulating and rationalizing which is why you still feel something isnt right, because it isnt right!  Had he really looked inside of himself and worked on his issues last time he would not be making the same mistakes over and over again. And I see nothing different this time around (so far anyways) and neitehr do you, or am I missing something? But I hope one day he truly & honestly, does "get it" for your sake and for the children.  

Thinking of you....Carol~ 

<<One of the big things that bothers me is how my h still tries to blow this off as “just phone calls” and she was “just a friend”, someone to “talk” to. That he “thought it was okay” because they never had any physical contact. I NEED him to admit that he absolutely, positively, 100% KNEW all along that it was WRONG!!! He KNEW even BEFORE the first phone call that it was NOT “okay”. I want him to admit that he sneaked around, lied to me and covered it up from the beginning because he KNEW IT WAS WRONG!! He is having trouble admitting it, not only to me, but to himself...He is still trying to justify his actions by saying that he thought it wasn’t the same as the first affair because it wasn’t physical and would NEVER be physical. It was “just talking” to someone who he knows now he shouldn’t have talked to...

He tells me how sorry he is all the time. He says that he was 100% wrong, that it was nothing to do with me. He is the one at fault and he accepts the blame>>

Doesn't sound like a whole lot of accepting the blame here. He is still justify everything he's done - STILL. There is a reason you are feeling the way you do. It still sounds like he thinks it is okay to do what he did. If he was "getting it" he would say that everything he did was wrong and you are 100% right about that. He would tell you that he'd get counseling as long as it takes even when he heard things from the counselor that he hated.


"he knows that even talking on the phone in that way is wrong"

There's lots of contradiction going on there.


"I think he was totally obsessed with her. I mean, 460 text messages, 130 phone calls, 809 minutes, 14 ½ hours in in 73 days! He would start calling her some days at 6:19 in the morning!! As soon as he left to go to work. It wasn’t every day, but a lot of them. One day there were phone calls at 10:49A, 10:55A, 7:26P, 10:30P, 10:51P"

Sounds like an obsession to me too. The sad part is that when they are hiding and lying about things, the "fun" is sometimes magnified for them. Don't take it personally, it had nothing to do with you.


"INCOMMING phone calls at 9:58P for 21 minutes. Where the heck was I??? In a coma?"

I think we all feel like fools but your not, they are just really good at hiding and lying about things sometimes.

"He says that if I try to divorce him he will fight it, and drag it out as long as he can, forever if possible. He says he will never sign any divorce papers, EVER."

Have you spoken to a lawyer at all?

"He says that he married the only woman that he will ever be married to."

I hope he isn't threatening you there. Please tell us he's not?

I feel for you. Sometimes it is easier on the BS when the WS just wants to end the relationship.

Charlie

hi mate

mmm his comment "He says that he married the only woman that he will ever be married to.". he obviously hasnt realised that the ability to stay married to you is not JUST his choice.

but neither have you realised this. just cause he says that is what he wants or expects, doesnt mean he is going to have it or that YOU have to make it a reality for him.

i can see that your situation is very painful and that you feel very lost, depressed and isolated.

keep in contact with your counsellor, maybe get medical help if need be, i am concerned about your previous suicide attempts. also get information about women's shelters - just in case you need to get away. maybe you could talk to your dr about hospitalisation because of the stress and depression. i was admitted to a psych ward when my first marriage failed. it helped to stop some of the drama or chaos and i was protected. my kids were fine, the family just had to deal with them.

sometimes we differentiate between a physical and an emotional A. they are both betrayals. my current H had an emotional A and when i read your H's explanations i could have sworn we were married to the same guy hon!!!

who knows why he hooked up with this woman when things were fine at home, i dont know, but maybe he got too cocky or dropped his guard, maybe he thought he could have a grown ups friendship with a person of the opposite sex. obviously he couldnt. his connection to this woman got out of control. he did this, it is his fault and now he has to suffer the consequences, be that you never trust him ever again or you just leave.

please take care hon. on reading your other posts i have to say that i thought his excuses about not being able to remember pin numbers was a crock of sh*t. i was not surprised that the woman from the phone company confirmed it and in some ways i was pretty amazed she gave you the amount of information about changing the pins and lockig the phone that she did. i think someone sent you an angel.

at best your H is a stupid little boy who has been caught looking the cookie jar and at worst he is just being a horrible pr*ck, sorry.

please keep in touch, we are here for you
hugs
kath

Aanisah-

I've "known" you from your posts for a long time. I think you are a beautiful person who "feels" life on a very deep level and you express those feelings well.

I don't know if I am right about this or not, but in some ways your H seems like a child. Or, someone who doesn't have the capacity for empathy when it comes to hurting you. Yeah he shows it on the surface, but maybe on a deep level he doesn't get it. For what ever reason maybe he doesn't have the ability to experience empathy. I hope I'm wrong in my perceptions about him, for your sake.

I've know a few narcisitic sociopaths and life is all about THEM, and their
quest in life is to alleviate their pain, however they choose. Sometimes we need to deny oursleves personal immediate gratification for the good of the clan.


I hope your H wakes up to how much he has hurt you, and NEVER does it again.
You and your children desverve a man who will be faithful to the family.

Peace and love,

TLMM

Good points MM.

I can't help but think that him saying he will only be married once to her is even selfish. He's put her through a LOT of pain and yet tries to use manipulation and guilt and what he thinks is love as a way to get her to stand by him still. Is he thinking about what he will lose if they separate or how she feels? He doesn't have a very good track record in that area. It seems a very childish sort of love.

Charlie

This is such an incredible fiasco. A disaster that didn’t have to be. A debacle that I didn’t want, didn’t ask for and certainly didn’t expect. I feel so lost, so defeated, so lonely. I don’t know where to turn or what to do.

We talk a lot. Well, he does most of the talking. I find that I seldom can keep it at a “talking” level. I am deeply entrenched at the “accusing, blaming, threatening, and pretty much over-the-top-and-out-of-my-mind” level. Most of what he says makes complete sense. Most of what I say is repetitive, redundant, and rebuking. No matter how angry I get, no matter how many accusations I throw at him, no matter what mean, nasty, unkind, cruel,uncaring, malicious, despicable, or unpleasant things I call him, he takes it and says he deserves it. He says that he will keep taking it until I get tired of doing it and realize that he loves me, he isn’t going any where and we are going to be together forever. He has agreed to put it in writing and have it notarized that if he ever messes up again I can have the house, the kids, the car, the truck, and he will leave with nothing but the clothes on his back. He says that he has learned his lesson completely and is so sure that he will never do anything like this again that he will stake his life and everything he holds precious to prove it to me. That’s a pretty big promise.

I am so confused on what to do. It is so soon after d-day #2 and my hurt and pain is still so raw. Maybe I should call him on the putting it in writing. Maybe that would give me some kind of solid, tangible foundation to re-build my life on. But, do I really want to stay with him? Do I really want to take a chance? What would a THIRD betrayal do to me? Maybe there has already been a third, a fourth, a fifth, how can I be sure there hasn’t? I didn’t think I could live through this again after the last affair, and here I am, doing it all over again. Am I nuts to even consider staying with someone that has proven time and time again to be so irresponsible, insensitive, dishonest, unfaithful, callous, and deceitful?

There is so much to think about, so much to sort out, so many things to weigh against other things. It is too much and I find myself obsessing over it day and night. I seem to obsess over everything right now. Do you know what I did yesterday? I got a calendar and wrote down on each day how many calls he made to her and how many times she called him. It was a real eye-opener to see how many days in a row and how many phone calls there were on those days. I also wrote down some of the things that I know were also going on during those days and the times. Can you believe that he actually called her from the team bus when we were going to, or coming from, games with our boys and their teammates? I sat in the front with my daughter and the cheerleaders, he was in the back with the b-ball players and he called her from there!!! With me and the kids on the bus!! Yet, she was “just a friend” and he “just liked talking” to her.

He now admits that it was more, it was, as he calls it, “dirty flirting”, but he justified it to himself as being “ok” because it wasn’t physical and never would be physical. He understands, now how wrong it was and how badly he lied to himself. He knows that he knew in his heart from the beginning that ALL of it was wrong--the phone calls, the texting, the sneaking around and all of the lies--none of it was “ok”. None of that excuses him, but at least he isn’t lying to himself anymore. The fun of it all was pretty much dying out by the time that I found out for sure, anyway. They had actually not talked or texted for three days before he admitted it to me. He had told her that he wouldn’t be calling her or texting her anymore. Then again, he was booked to deejay the night he finally confessed and she was working that night. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t found out that night? It may have rekindled and continued indefinitely. But, it didn’t. I found out, I went there, I tried to talk to her, and that part of all of this is finished.

I am still sleeping on the couch. The counselor told h that we should be sleeping in the same bed if we want to work this out. He wants me to, but I am not ready for that, yet. In one of the text messages that I found he told her “ I wish i could wake up next 2 u. Feel ur warm body next 2 mine. Touch of a woman.” I told him that he wanted to wake up next to her, not me. He says it is only the words to a song that he wrote down. I don’t care. He still wrote it to her, he didn’t write it to me! Both the counselor and h agree that I am obsessing over a small detail. To me, it isn’t SMALL!! He wrote to another woman that he wanted to wake up next to her while he was married to me. He said he wanted to feel HER warm body next to his, not my body. I don’t know how long it will take to get over it, but for now, obsessing or not, I am not ready to sleep in our bed yet. To me it feels a little like he cheated on me in that bed because he was fantasizing about waking up with her. I can’t change the way I feel. Not yet. Not this soon.

I have to go. There is so much to think about, but the house work still has to be done and I am the only one to do it.

aanisah



Love isn't in the falling----it's in the staying there.

>>The counselor told h that we should be sleeping in the same bed if we want to work this out. He wants me to, but I am not ready for that, yet. In one of the text messages that I found he told her “ I wish i could wake up next 2 u. Feel ur warm body next 2 mine. Touch of a woman.” I told him that he wanted to wake up next to her, not me. He says it is only the words to a song that he wrote down. I don’t care. He still wrote it to her, he didn’t write it to me! Both the counselor and h agree that I am obsessing over a small detail. To me, it isn’t SMALL!!<<

Aanisah, you have my personal permission to borrow the official board 2x4 and whop that counselor really, really, really hard. And then hit him (her?) again, just to make sure it sinks in. Holy minimization, Batman, what is this supposed professional THINKING??????

Amen, Misha.

aanisah, you seem to be struggling with either trusting (1) your gut, or (2) your husband.

It seems to me from what you've told us that there's a little war going on inside you about trusting yourself, believing in yourself, knowing that it's okay to feel how you feel. That damned counselor IS NOT HELPING. This is a BIG thing and the counselor is trying to make it a little thing (and maybe hubby still is too). No wonder something inside you is screaming NO NO NO. No wonder there is so much anger...the anger is telling you something.

aanisah, I rarely give unsolicited advice here but I'm going to risk it this time.

Listen to yourself and ignore the people who don't accept your feelings as real. Feel your way through those feelings (redundant, I know) and see where they lead. Try to immerse yourself in something that has always comforted and calmed you. Some people read, listen to or make music, use aromatherapy, take long showers or baths...something that both clears your head and allows you to focus on what's important.

After that, you do have some hard choices to make, but it's probably too soon to make "final" decisions.

Chris.

ps. EVERYONE here understands sleeping separately, even if the counselor doesn't.

<<EVERYONE here understands sleeping separately, even if the counselor doesn't.>>

I agree!

Carol~

Hi Aanisah,

I fully agree with Chris...take care of yourself...

and do seek a new MC...sorry but that MC is not seeing your hurt as real...your H is not accepting his actions as an A.. he is saying the right words but do his actions match...that is what you are seeing ...no action ...just empty words...he should be showering you with affection, doing the housework, cooking ...taking responsibility for what he has done to you...real soul searching ....

take care,

pat

The counselor should no longer be a problem. Getting counseling will. I found out that the counseling is free only until they can refer(read: dump) you somewhere else. It seems that our insurance does not pay for “marriage counseling” per se. We would have to go to the referred person and say that we have a mental or emotional problem (i.e. depression) and then pay a co-pay. My h told me to call them and make an appointment. I told him, “Wait a minute, YOU are the one with a PROBLEM, not ME. All my problems are BECAUSE of YOUR PROBLEM!!!” I told him to call and make the first appointment. So far, he hasn’t called. He promised to get help when this all started, now he seems to be balking at it. I am not saying that I don’t want help with my depression and other issues. I can also make a separate appointment. I only think that he is the one that should admit he has a problem and show his sincerity by seeking help. I won’t budge on this one. I can’t!

I am seriously thinking of taking the advice of many of the wiser people on this board and making an appointment to speak to a lawyer. Not to start any proceedings or anything like that, not yet anyway. Only to see what my actual legal rights are and to have my options spelled out in black and white. The question I am asking myself is, “Should I tell my h or go without his knowledge?” Any opinions on this one?

Thanks to all of you who answered here. I get so much support and help from reading all of them. I agree that he didn’t “get it” six years ago or he wouldn’t have done this again. I think a lot of his actions and reactions are for looks only. Maybe there is some sincerity there, but I am not convinced. His words are almost identical to what he said back then. The way he is acting (and he is a good actor-aren’t most betrayers?) is the way he THINKS he should act. Last time, I was so devastated that I sucked all his love and attention in like a dry sponge. This time, I feel forced and phony with the whole scene. It almost creeps me out. Makes me nauseous. I’ve heard it all before and it didn’t stop him from having another affair. He didn’t learn anything that stuck.

Chris, you are so much help to me. I can almost always expect to be consoled and get expert advice from you. A special thanks to you. What you have done with your life is wonderful--you are happier and at peace now, and it shows in your writing. Kudos to you and your strength!

H just called and wants to play “hooky” from work and take me out for lunch, and spend some time together. The Eighth Grade vs. The Faculty game is today and he is going to coach the eighth grade team. It is a pretty big thing at the Middle School and it should be fun. It will be nice to go to this and know that he isn’t sneaking away to call his girlfriend! (I still check his cell phone daily and check the usage on line regularly!) He took the text messaging service off as soon as I found out about his affair, so that won’t be a problem ever again. Some things he is doing right. It’s just all the wrongs hold more weight right now.

I have to go get ready. Thanks again.

aanisah

Love isn't in the falling----it's in the staying there.

Aanisah,

Speak to a lawyer.

You can generally get free consultation.

My current belief is that every married person, or soon-to-be married person should speak to a lawyer or at least learn the marriage/divorce laws in your state.

Marriage is so far beyond emotions and sentiments.

It is also BUSINESS.

Don't nobody forget that divorce law is fat business in this country. I mean ORKA FAT--(Kevin Spacey quote).

A wayward spouse and an OP can take your heart apart, plus your family, home, and finances.

Too many of us were sitting ducks when in reality we should have had our ducks in a row a little better than we did.

Aanisah

I suspect that everyone here knows exactly why you are in emotional turmoil at the point. Frankly, I think you'd be crazy if you weren't. Your h says that he "gets it" but some of his actions just don't match up. That is one of the best reasons I can think of to be anxious. From what you've written, I know that you are not the problem. His behavior is the problem. It is no wonder that you are having trouble trusting your own judgement.

It seems that your counselor fails to understand why some of these issues are so important to you. That is your counselor's failure and it is a common failure with marriage counselors. On boards like this one, you read about it over and over again. I don't fully understand why counselors have so much trouble understanding infidelity and its' consequences but I know that they often do. Unfortunately, counselors often make it more difficult for a betrayed partner to trust their own judgement in these kinds of situations.

BTW, it's very common for insurance companies to refuse to pay for marriage counselling. It seems to me that it is common practice for counselors to get around that problem by using a diagnosis like "major depression" or "generalized anxiety disorder". That way, the counselor can bill the insurance company for working with a couple. It's just the way the game is played. In any case, I understand why it's important for you that your h be the one to arrange for counselling.

My advice is to consult a lawyer without telling your h. I understand why that would be very difficult for you. I felt the same way at one time. I don't like deception and I don't like being deceptive, even when someone else is being deceptive towards me. In almost all things, I agree with the general advice to "take the high road". But .... there are times when that approach puts me at a heeeyoooge disadvantage. As RW says, too many of us have turned out to be sitting ducks.

In this case, I think your biggest obligation is to protect yourself. You have no reason to trust your h at this point. He needs to earn back your trust by changing his behavior. As it stands, he hasn't done that. He has shown you that you can't count on him to do the right thing. Being contrite and repentant is fine as far as it goes. It is a start. But that is all it is ... a start. A wise counselor would understand that.

Consulting a lawyer isn't the same thing as initiating a divorce. Getting good information just makes good sense. It may also help to give you the feeling of having some control over the situation whether or not you use the information in the future.

I agree with you that Chris's advice is excellent.

Try to believe that in your situation there is a crazy person involved but that person is not you.

Quinn

"My advice is to consult a lawyer without telling your h."

I agree with Q completely on that one. You are protecting yourself.

Charlie

"My advice is to consult a lawyer without telling your h."

I agree with Q completely on that one. You are protecting yourself.

Charlie

Thank you for the kind words, aanisah. I don't generally think of myself as comforting. Maybe that's a byproduct of taking people seriously.

As a person I value straightforwardness over almost everything else, and sometimes, with some people, shootin' straight hurts their feelings. I am honestly glad for (and considerably humbled by) anyone who sees her/his life a little more clearly because of something I've shared.

And I have to offer some credit, too. Quinn wrote >>Try to believe that in your situation there is a crazy person involved but that person is not you<< and he is dead on the mark.

It's quite a trick to "listen to the anger", figure out what it's telling you, and get it to subside. Sometimes it alienates a spouse; in my case it was deemed "abusive" anger. But my calm that you wrote about comes from knowing that the anger was legitimate in response to a whole lot of control, manipulation, and crazymaking.

I don't want to be seen as an evangelist for divorce. People can and do maintain and rebuild marriages in the face of affairs. My marriage didn't survive because in the end, our problems weren't about the affair...the affair was about her problems, which she didn't want to resolve.

Quinn has written, and I agree, that it takes a good long time to discern this. Yet here you are, with a repeat after more than six years...six years in which you had allowed yourself, little by little, to love and trust and respect him again. I remember how angry I was when I found the (non-affair) lying and hiding behaviors that brought me to the old Arrow boards...and that was about 2 and a half years after d-day. That anger consumed me for a long, long time because it took a long time to "hear" what it was telling me.

I'm going around in circles. There's no single little snippet I can offer. But take to heart all the stuff we've all told each other for years:

Focus on/take care of aanisah.
Take care of the kids.
Listen to your gut.
Figure out what your anger is telling you.
Calm down and make a plan.
Pay attention to actions, not words.
Maybe, just maybe, give yourself a deadline for making up your mind.

Chris.

ps. Don't tell him about seeing a lawyer unless and until you decide for yourself on divorce or separation.

I wish I could scoop up all of the strength, support and good advice on this board, lock it in my heart and throw away the key. I wish I could win the lottery so, I had the money to do what I want, find my field of gold and live happily ever after. I wish I had a magic wand and could wipe out the last 10 years and start over (with my daughter’s birth still happening, of course!)

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I can’t change the past. Wishes hardly ever come true. I can, more or less see the future. I will stay with my cheating h, as I am trapped here by my own weaknesses, fears, failures and shortcomings. He will have a happy life with his children and the “only woman he will ever love.” I will be lonely and sad, most of the time. My kids will grow up and leave. Maybe he will behave that long, it is doubtful. My heart will be broken, again. As soon as the kids are gone, there will be nothing in this marriage to keep us together. He will leave. If there is anything left of my heart, it will be broken, again. He will still be young enough to start over again with someone young and alive. I will be too old to start over and will die lonely and sad.

But, if I leave now, I will be lonely and sad. If my life ended today, it would end lonely and sad. What wonderful choices I have!

aanisah

Love isn't in the falling----it's in the staying there.

You have another choice!

You can chose to move forward and work on you to a point where you are confident and secure in leaving. Leaving doesn't have to be the end of your life, it can be the beginning if you let it. There are many excellent examples on this board of those that have left and made their lives better. In fact, although it takes time I don't think there is one of us that regrets that decision. The question with an unremorseful likely still cheating spouse becomes.......

do you give away a couple years of your life to be sad and unhappy until you find your footing....

or do you stay married and go through this again and again always feeling not good enough.....and unhappy

The strength is inside you. You just don't realize it. Don't let the fear stand in your way. The best way to deal with fear is to face it.

Hugs
Kid

aanisah, maybe a depression diagnosis would allow you some ongoing individual counseling?

I have been where you are, with (seemingly) no good choices...and kids the same ages. Divorce, I knew, would mean losing my business, my job, and my home.

But, in the words of Elton John, "I'm still standing, better than I ever did..."

Chris.

Dear Aanisah: Over the years I have learned some valuable things from the people who contribute to this board. Something I believe to be true is that a partner will leave a relationship when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. Ending a marriage is a very personal and complicated decision with checks and balances that are very different for everyone. I can’t tell you how many “pros and cons” lists I’ve made in the past few years. For now, the pros win, but should the cons side grow, well, let’s say that I am prepared for that eventuality.

There are people on this board who have chosen to stay in situations in which no one could criticize them for leaving. Jane (InTheSky) comes to mind as someone who has made a complex decision to stay. I am probably another and I am sure there are other members as well. You are
not alone in your decision to either stay or leave.

You are facing some important, even life-changing decisions. You can make your choices from the position of a person who is trapped by her own “weaknesses, fears, failures and shortcomings” as you put it. You can be a quiet martyr in your marriage and accept your lot in life. Be prepared to deal with a huge amount of anger and resentment though.

Or you can approach your decision-making from a position of strength and decide what is best for you at this time. You can give yourself permission to change your decisions should your H’s behaviour warrant it. You can let go of the guilt of perceiving yourself as “selfish” when you consider your own needs first. You can learn how protect your own interests, because experience has taught you that you are going to have to look out for yourself in the future. You can decide what constitutes a “deal-breaker” from here on in and set realistic boundaries in your marriage. You can learn to become financially self-sufficient.

I don’t mean to sound harsh Annisah -- everything I’ve written comes from personal experience. I have changed a great deal since d-day and I have learned a great deal about myself. Choosing a path that involves change and re-defining yourself has its difficulties. But to me, it was far better than choosing to remain a victim in my marriage. I chose to stay with my H on my own terms and that is something I can live with.

Best to you,
MT