Hi all. This is my first time posting and I am desperatly asking for advice here. Three weeks ago I discovered my husband of 17 years had cheated on me. The other woman is a person that he hired at work only 2 months ago. The affair began very quickly, she soon left her husband and began the affair w/ mine. It started as phone calls-on the cell phone only. Then one day he had to go out of town for the night- not business related. I begged him to let me go w/ him and he refused. I started to think that something was up- call it intuition. When I awoke the next morning after he left, I had a strong gut feeling that he was w/ someone. I called him and asked- He said NO ONE, but in a funny tone. I've asked those types of questions before and he got very defensive about it. This time he didn't, just the funny tone. I new then that something was going on. Two days later he tells me that he is thinking of leaving and I am reason he is sooo unhappy. That hit me like a brick wall as he had NEVER gave any indication that he was unhappy... We have two sons and are in the process of adopting a baby- So this was a huge blow to me.

I finally discoved she was with him on his trip from HER cell records- Can't tell you how I did that. The calls from her phone were phone the place he had traveled too- He couldn't deny it anymore...

Alot of things have happened since I discoved the affair. In addition, we own some rental property together. I just discovered that he let her move into one of the houses that we own- w/o signing any kind of contract or lease agreement. Yep, we have been paying the mortgage, utilites, ins, ect for this house that SHE has been living in for over a month. I am furious. I did have her electric turned off- but she is still there...How??? When I told him he needed to get rid of her, he said he was working on it- but I can't see any headway or progress...So, I sent her a certified letter telling her she had to leave w/i two weeks...

I don't know what to do about this situation. We are still together...He seems truely remorseful and sorry for what he has done. He assures me that it was a hug mistake and he wants to keep his family together...He tells me I should "stop kicking a dead horse" and try to put this behind us- He just wants to forget that it ever happened...

Any advice. I am having alot of hostility and resentment towards him, but trying not to show it or "stir the pot" for the kid's sake... What am I suppose to do at this point???

Thanks.

Welcome, I'm sorry that you've had to come looking for us. Check out our resources for links and reading material. The idea of kicking a dead horse, well guess what, if you are anything like the rest of us here, you will be kicking that horse for years. So he better get used to it. No one that I know of that has had to deal infidelity has gotten over it in less than 2 years. It took me the better part of 4 years just to calm down about my wife's affair. Have your H read some of the stories from the new arrivals or the members forum. Let him see what he has truly done to you and your marriage and himself.

My only advice is to be careful when dealing with OW. Don't do illegal stuff even though it is so tempting. In the long run you will be glad that you restrained yourself.

Everything that you have described in your feelings is perfectly normal. You are gonna have some real rough times ahead. I wish I could tell you differently but its the truth.

Try to take care of yourself. Get your rest, try to eat, (most of us lost alot of weight) , get your exercise. Exercise helps get rid of frustrations and to some degree it reduces the anger toward your H and OW. Keep posting, you have come to a safe place loaded with hundreds of years of combined experience from our members in dealing with infidelity.

Wish you well,

H2C

Howdy SCNR,

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry you had to find us.

The first thing you need to realize is this wasn't about you. You are not at fault for his decision to step outside the marriage. That's called blameshifting and its a common tactic and unfortunately sometimes it works until a BS(betrayed spouse) begins to get over the shock of what has happened.

The next thing is to realize its important for you take care of YOU. Not sleeping and eating...bouts of depression are all very normal. If these persist by all means see a doctor.

<<<I am having alot of hostility and resentment towards him, but trying not to show it or "stir the pot" for the kid's sake... What am I suppose to do at this point??? >>>

Give yourself time to let this sink in. Then decide what YOU need for reconcillation. For instance the OW has to go ASAP but legally and he needs to go NO CONTACT(NC) with her. How can you both possibly work on the marriage with her in the picture?

What else do you need to begin to feel safe?
What is he doing to begin to earn your trust back? He's the one who screwed up here, not you. ?

Once again its very common for a wayward spouse(WS) to use the shock and desperation of a BS not to do anything at the beginning. You WILL eventually get over that and he's gonna realize its gonna take alot of work on his part to save his family.

Check out the RESOURCES link at the top of the home page. There's alot of good info in there as far as books etc.

When you have time give this a read. Its long but good:

http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com

Once again welcome to the club nobody wanted to join.

You aren't alone.

Regards,

Tex

SCNR,

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/cheater_letter.asp


Try to give this to your H. Maybe he will BEGIN to understand what he has done to you, your relationship and, eventually, to himself.

If he can't learn to be the single biggest influence of your collective recovery your chances of surviving are not good. Research shows, without one shred of doubt, that a WS's ability to act in a truly remorseful and repentant fashion is paramount to the relationship surviving. They must be willing to do everything and anything to recapture the BS's trust or all will likely be lost.

Not many are capable of a lifetime of unresolved resentment. Just ask my wife (Soulmates4Life) how 28 years of "sweeping it under the rug" slowly and surely disintegrated our relationship and eventually was to be dealt with or our demise was more than probable.

My experience, and the advice of so many professional and non-professionals, is to deal with it now completely and without reservation. Nothing you ask or need is "trivial", nothing.

My own perspective is that, had I known what the healing process entailed and the depth of despair recovery revealed I would never have gone through what I've subjected myself to. Again, in my opinion, your value as a human being is far more important than enduring what another feels is "adequate" to "move on". You may well be able to remove the terror you're enduring today at some point in the future but you will always know what your beloved is capable of, and willing, to exact upon you.

For some (maybe many) that have survived this horrible and painful experience there may well be the prospect of a richer and more fulfilling relationship but it cannot come without tremendous resolve from both of you. The demons must be extracated to your COMPLETE satisfaction. That means that no stone can go unturned and your WS must have the will of a lion in order that you get back to square one. Trust is difficult to earn and incredibly easy to destroy, he must know and act in accordance with this reality. "Anything it takes" must be the credo of his behavior. Anything less will cause unresolved resentments that WILL show up in your lives together in one way or another.

Our relationship has finally progressed to an ecstatic height but not without my pressing for resolution and not without her willingness to do WHATEVER it took to make it so. It is a daunting battle so roll up your sleeves and be resolved to make it! Otherwise, a lesser effort and commitment will cause you both more pain than you can possibly know.

I wish for you resolution, commitment and peace SCNR! More than anything, Peace!

"Three weeks ago I discovered my husband of 17 years had cheated on me."
"He tells me I should "stop kicking a dead horse" and try to put this behind."

It doesn't work that way, and the sooner your H realizes this the better.

He can not do this, and then dictate your recovery from it.

He moved her into a property you own? Sheesh. Some of the stuff people pull just amazes me.

In general, the shortest period of time it takes to get a handle on recovery is 2 years. This is what the experts say.

Many marriages do not survive infidelity. Mine came apart after 4 years of trying to fix his affair in spite of his regrets.

I understand your anger.