H has agreed to read a book on A. I would like one that helps him to understand what I am going thru as well as one that will help him figure out why he did this & how to make things better.Which book do you think would be best?He's agreed to read one because I asked him to. He said it would take him awhile though since he has no free time.Now I know a book will not have any magical answers.I'm just trying to pick a good one that might help!Thanks!!
Print Joseph's letter and give it to him... it is short, to the point and may click with you H. He may not feel as overwhelmed reading it as 'having' to read a book it he is not a reader...
The Need to Know...
This is a copy of a post by Joseph, a member of the now defunct BAN Message Board. He wrote this letter to his wife to explain why he asked for details of her affair.
To Whomever,
I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.
You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.
Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.
So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.
I gave my H the book "After The Affair" by Janis Spring. It talks about a certain issue and how the BS may feel and how the WS may feel about that same issue. My H said when he read the first 20 pages he started to really understand how I feel (I had high-lighted my feelings). He said he knew he had hurt me but he didnt understand how badly untiol he read it. And he also stated that he felt much the same way that she described the WS in the book as feeling. He said the book helped him a lot. Has has not read the whole things yet...he is about half way through. He also asked me to read some it with him. He said that it was hard to read by himself.
Personally, I liked the book "Not Just Friends" because it goes into how easy it is to fall into an A with a co-worker and use the justification to yourself that you're just friends and co-workers and how you start to go donw the slipper-slope when you think that way. It helped me to understand how these types of A's happen. I think it would also help the WS to understand it as well. I would give this book to any WS who's A was work related or any WS who thought they could just be friends.
I also downloaded the online e-book "After The Affair" which is not the same as the book mentioned above. I have not read this yet as it is supposed to be for the WS to read first. But it has gotten great reviews by a lot of people I trust.
Best wishes...I hope he reads the books and I hope it helps...Carol~
I preferred the book "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass.
It goes into the effects on the betrayed spouse, related to possible PTSD.
The ebook on aftertheaffair.net is a good book for the WS to read, it is written by a BS and is meant for the WS to read. It is only about $10 and an easy read.
The book "After the Affair" by Springs is good, but a hard read for the betrayed spouse early on. I preferred "Not just Friends" as I felt it was more comprehensive in some areas.
Our relationship has been all one sided the last 3 years.Now I am caught off balance as to the change in him the last 2 weeks.None of the last 3 years has made any sense to me.It probably never will.I feel like I have so much to deal with in order to make this marriage work & yet it really is up to Terry & what he chooses to do.
So James, how are you doing? Any good moments? I know how all of this seems impossible to get thru.How are your children doing? They are lucky to have you for a dad & you are lucky to have them to add joy to your life.
James,
In hearing you speak about your breakup, you are saying that Donna has another lover...James are you sure? The Donna I got to know was past having another A...I know that no one is perfect...but that to me would be the last thing Donna would do.
She had health issues and loved your boys...my guess is that there are relationship issues between the both of you...you have said you are addicted to some drugs, you know that drugs can have other effects than just addiction.
It takes two people to break up a relationship...I know that Donna was looking for security (marriage), love, a life free of porn...you posted that you gave porn up, but did you?... it is addictive too and hard to just stop
James the truth hurts...I am betting that Donna is hurting too, she never posted anything nasty about you...just her problems, when she did post.
Pat
Sorry if this seems harsh...but I really like Donna and haven't heard her side.
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Nov 5, 2006 10:43 AM
Wow.....that hurt Pat.
Here are the facts......during sept Donna started to pull away, I kept asking what was wrong? is there something we need to discuss etc...
She put me off until I pushed for answers on Sept 30.
She told me it was over, no to marriage c as I suggested and she is not in love with me.
I find love letter to om on Oct 16 dated the 13th of Oct.....mentioning past meetings and how clear and full her love was for him.
She says yes she is in love with this guy and she says it started after I was told she was leaving.
This message has been edited by James_45 on Dec 10, 2006 3:42 AM This message has been edited by James_45 on Nov 7, 2006 12:39 AM
and start the dialogue....
