Long story short-caught H in yet another lie yesterday.He moved out late last nite & I am feeling scared, lonely & lost.Van isn't working so I have to walk my daughter to middle school this a.m. It's a 55 minute walk roundtrip.Luckly my 19 year old said that she would watch the daycare while I walk Darby to school.She also said that she would walk & pick up Darby after school.H said he will stop by to fix the van tonite but I can't trust that he will do that.It's raining some but will hopefully stop long enough to get her to school.
Hope you guys can put up with me again.I am afraid that I might be on here alot for the next several months.I know I have to get thru this.I have 4 kids to take care of. I am just heartbroken, hurt & very scared.I have to figure out how to get a divorce without much money.Right now I don't have any extra.
I just can't figure out how someone can change so much.He is nothing like the person that I use to know.What happened to him?How could he live with himself knowing that he upended the kid's lives?They have been thru so much.He cost us our house, our stability & the loving feelings of a stable family. All he can ever say is "I'm sorry". How can someone be so selfish to just do what he/she wants & do it knowing that they are hurting their kids & wife?I just don't get it. Well, It's 6:30 a.m. & I already have 4 daycare kids. Gotta be strong & make it thru the day.
Thanks Pat! I am feeling alittle better for the moment.I have to own up to the fact that I have waisted the last 3 years on him, waiting for him to turn back into the wonderful guy that he was.Well, he must not want that or he would have stopped all the lying.I talked to him on the phone late last nite. He is getting the radiator for my van today & is going to put it in the van for me tonite.At least he's doing that.
I tried to talk to him last nite. I must be really stupid because I just don't understand how a person can change so much.He said that he has no idea why he's being an ass & lying all the time.I told him that people know why they do things but he says he has no clue why all this has happened the last 3 years.I asked him if he was going to be happy being single & free & he says"no". He says that he doesn't know what would make him happy. I asked him what makes him unhappy & he also answered "I don't know" to that question.That's the standard answer I get from him. That & 'I don't know".Crazy. The guy needs some help!I think that he really does.But, he probably won't seek it out.
It was never a waste Barb, it was a learning experience. In that time you have grown because of the things that have happened........that cannot be a waste.
Oh Barb...I am so sorry that you are still being hurt and lied to. How can someone not know why they are lying? It makes no sense to me, but then neither does cheating. But you cannot have one without the other right?!!! In order ot cheat you have to be able to lie to your spouse, to the OP, to your children, and to yourself, and anyone else around you.
It reminds me of a story I had heard once about the owner of a company who fired and employee for cheating on his wife. The man was excellent at his job. When the owner was asked why he fired such a wonderful employee for cheating on his wife, when his personal life has nothing to do with his job, the owner replied "because if he will lie and cheat on his wife he will lie to me and cheat me too".
Please take care of yourself Barb, and feel free to email me any time...(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Carol~
Thanks Carol. He was supposed to put the new radiator in my van tonite but there was a mixup & my part was given to someone else.The guy is trying to get it straightened out by tomorrow. Anyway, he did drive me to run 2 errands that I needed to take care of tonite. I was not nice to him. I kept questioning him on why he did all this,etc. He still gives his standart "I don't know why" answer. Only now he is saying that he will call some places about counciling tomorrow. He won't, but he should. He said that he doesn't expect me to wait around for him & that it is my decision.Whatever!
How are things with you Carol? Any improvements?I hope your H can pull himself together & be a decent guy again. Well, it's late & I want to go for a long walk. It's good for stress.
I am sorry you are going through all this. One thing I would like to say, based on my own experience, is to gather as much other support as you can -- to make this a priority -- so that you do not have to rely on your husband for anything. If you two are not together, then, really, apart from any financial support mandated by law, you should expect nothing from him. No van help, no nothing.
<<He won't, but he should.>> I think you would do much, much better if you expect nothing from him. In other words, stop "should-ing" all over him. He still has power over you -- emotionally and practically -- because you are in a position where you rely on him for so many things. I know this is very hard for you, Barb, it was hard for me when I was making the separation -- a nursing baby, a 4-year-old, and big scary health issues that included seizures in my sleep that took me about a month to recover from each time. No family help here, either, except on very rare occasion. Just a few friends.
It takes a lot of focus, effort, and some time to get another support network going. I'm still working on mine. But it sure is better than telling my former husband what he should and shouldn't do. And I'm saying this as a huge admirer of you because you've been so successful with the weight loss -- one area that I have not been able to conquer yet.
Thanks Jean.Well, I don't have anyone that could fix the van.No friends, no family, nobody! Besides, he didn't mind doing it.
He called a councilor yesterday but said he wanted to check out some others.He talked to this guy on the phone & he said the guy wanted to see him but Terry didn't think it would be a good match. Terry said he was one of those that basically said"We'll figure out what will make you happy"Terry said he doesn't want that. He wants someone that will help him figure out why he keeps lying to me & hurting me. Someone that will help us get our marraige back on track.So, I was glad that he's taking that approach.I am trying to back off & not question why he has done all this stuff the last 3 years.In the meantime I am trying to take care of me. I am still on my weight loss plan & love my online group.I am walking everyday to relieve stress & elevate my mood.I was panicky at first but am doing alittle better now.My daycare is doing really well right now but am not having any luck trying to get my house back.We only have 1 1/2 years left in the house & then will have to move if we can't buy it back. I don't want to have to give up my daycare!
I am glad that your H is calling around to check out counselors. Him wanting to figure out why he lies is what we mean when we say "the WS needs to look deep inside of himself and deal with his issues and figure out why he had the A". This is absolutely necessary for reconciliation. If the WS never addresses their issues then nothing ever changes for THEM! My H did not address his issues the first time and he repeated his behavior because nothing had changed for him. Now that he is addressing his issues things are really changing. But I also had to address my issues. Had I not changed my behavior first and kicked H to the curb he would not have been motivated to address his issues and we would still be in polarized positions. Something to think about!
When looking for a good C, I found the best thing to do was to have a list of questions to ask the C and depending on many of his/her responses you will be able to judge if they are right for you. And if you find that C is still not right for you after a couple of sessions then it's time to find another. Tell him not to be discouarged because some times you have to go through 2 or 3 C's to find teh right one for you. For me, the second one was the charm
If he really follows through with finding a C, I see this as a positive sign Barb! Take care....Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Sep 21, 2006 12:56 PM
Thanks Carol. I will let him know that it's o.k. to switch councilors after a few sessions if he's feeling like the person is not doing a good job.I am just sitting back waiting to see if he really goes thru with it.He said he needs to figure this out even if I don't take him back.So , I am trying not to nag him or get mad at him.I need to give him space & let him work his way thru this.I have hounded him for 3 years as to why he has done all of this & it has not gotten me anywhere.
"Well, I don't have anyone that could fix the van.No friends, no family, nobody! Besides, he didn't mind doing it."
It's not just a "van" thing, Barb. Just like you, I have no family around to offer practical help. My point is that it is good to work on getting a strong network going for yourself so that you do not rely on your estranged husband in anyway. It's about putting yourself in a better position of personal power.
I understand what you are saying Jean but I don't get out of the house to do any networking.I am home doing daycare.Terry doesn't mind helping & he wants us to get back together after he figures out why he's been acting this way the last 3 years.So, if he wants to take care of his family then I don't see a problem with it.It's better than having him not give a crap.he does owe it to the kids & I to see that we are doing o.k. while we are apart right now.I may divorce him but it's not what we want.So for the time being I will give him the chance to go to counciling.We are living apart for now.He needs to figure this out without the kids & I being around.
"I understand what you are saying Jean but I don't get out of the house to do any networking." Hmmm.
Nobody said you have to leave the house for networking. You are doing it here, aren't you? Reaching out to your support network? Likewise, you can do similar things for practical support, and/or go out during your nonworking hours. It may be hard, but it is an option.
Jean-what nonworking hours?The first kids arrive at 5:40 in the morning & the last ones go home at 1 a.m. There is no time to go out & make friends.As far as networking what do ya want me to do,get on the computer and ask some stranger to help do things I need done? No thanks!Terry doesn't mind taking care of the van,etc.And as I said, I don't see the harm in having him do things.He says that he wants to talk to a councilor to try & figure this mess out in the hopes that we can gt back together.That's what I would like in the future too.So, why not have him continue to take care of repairs,etc?He still pays the rent & utilities too.
Well, who watches the daycare children while you go to the movies, etc?
Anyways, yes, I was talking about connecting with people via the phone and the internet, at least initially. But your last part here tells me that you 're okay with the way things are set up now, practically speaking. This is confusing to me, because your original post on this thread says "H said he will stop by to fix the van tonite but I can't trust that he will do that." This is the part, along with other parts, such as "I am just heartbroken, hurt & very scared" are the issues to which I was responding.
Don't want to nitpick anymore-- just wanted to throw out some ideas.
My 19 year old was watching the daycare when I went to the movies but she starts community college on Monday & will still have to work part time. So, she will not be available. My 17 year old is a brat when it comes to helping out.She was mad last nite because I needed her to watch the daycare for an hour & a half while I went to my 10 & 11 year olds schools for their open houses.Her reply when I got home was "I hate watching the daycare & it's not my problem". So, I won't have anyone from now on.I now wait to go grocery shopping at 11:15p.m. so that I don't have to take too many with me.
I would not feel comfortable asking strangers for help. I do not think it would be safe & I just would not feel comfortable doing it.
Like I said, H doesn't mind helping out.He says it's his responsibility to make sure the kids & I are o.k..I am hoping that he will get some counciling & straighten up.I know it's probably a long shot but I don't want to give up yet.Well, part of me has given up.Maybe that's the smart part!The other part of me still loves him(or maybe loves who he was) & doesn't want to give up.But for now I am trying to deal with the kids & the daycare.I am trying to tell myself that at best,we will be apart for a long time.Counciling is not an instant fix.At worst, we will divorce.I am just in limbo right now.Waiting to see if he will actually go to counciling & do what is necessary to change things for the better.
My H & I talked on the phone today & he has an appointment to interview a councilor tomorrow evening.I am surprised that he actually called several places the last few days & seems serious about getting counciling.I just don't get why he had to put the kids & I thru 3 years of hell before he decided to do this.I guess I worry that even if he goes thru counciling he will still continue to lie.I mean, can someone who has spent alot of time lying actually put a stop to it & become an honest person again OR does the lying become such a habit & so ingrained in who they are that they never stop?I hope that question makes sense. Anyway, even if we do get back together someday, I still have months & months of us being apart to deal with.He can't move back in until he figures all of this out & until he dates me for awhile after that.Then we'll see how things are going.I am kind of adjusting to being without him.Afterall, he was hardly here when he lived here anyway.Today I am sick but am not feeling sorry for myself.I still have to run the daycare when I'm sick so I've been busy.The dryer quit working the other day.Not good when you have a big family.H had to order the part today & it's supposed to be in tomorrow.He was hoping to fix it tonite but like I said it turns out he had to order it.At least my van is up & running.So, things are pretty good!Hope everyone else is doing o.k.!
<<My H & I talked on the phone today & he has an appointment to interview a councilor tomorrow evening.I am surprised that he actually called several places the last few days & seems serious about getting counciling.>>
As I have said before, it is a good sign that he is looking for a C. He does need to find one though, not just look, and go through with his actions. And I hope he does find the right one for him because that is the key.
<<I just don't get why he had to put the kids & I thru 3 years of hell before he decided to do this.>>
He was either in denial he needed help or just not ready. As you now know, we take action when we are ready. Nothing anyone can say or do can force us to get help if we are not ready.
<<I guess I worry that even if he goes thru counciling he will still continue to lie.I mean, can someone who has spent alot of time lying actually put a stop to it & become an honest person again OR does the lying become such a habit & so ingrained in who they are that they never stop?I hope that question makes sense.>>
The question makes sense Barb. But I believe people can change, so do C's or they would not be in business. A person has to be willing to change. And as long as your H deals with his issues and figures out why he lies he will be able to change it. And yes, it does become a habit but it is a habit that can be broken with the right help. Once a person is aware of what they are doing and why, it is easier to change the unwanted behavior. But change is never easy, it requires hard work.
<<Anyway, even if we do get back together someday, I still have months & months of us being apart to deal with.He can't move back in until he figures all of this out & until he dates me for awhile after that.Then we'll see how things are going.>>
Nothing wrong with that...LET him earn his way back. He needs to do that just as much for himself as he needs to do it for you.
<<I am kind of adjusting to being without him.Afterall, he was hardly here when he lived here anyway.>>
Exactly...it's been the same for me. H was never really here so what was the big deal. But I tell you, it made more of an impact on H than it did me, and in a good way. He didnt like being alone. But for me not much changed.
<<Today I am sick but am not feeling sorry for myself.>>
I am sorry you are not feeling well. And I also got to the point where I no longer felt sorry for myself. I was the only one who had the power to change things for me, and I did. It is a good feeling....and empowering feeling.
""""can someone who has spent alot of time lying actually put a stop to it & become an honest person...""""
My wife did and it wasn't easy. She spent over a year and a half in counseling to get to a point where she felt "it was ok" to tell the truth. Here is the history. My wife had lied for over 50 years about anything that put her on the defensive. This came from her relationship with her father and continued thru our 30 plus years of marriage. Whenever I had questions, she reverted back to her childhood where it was easier to fabricate a story than to actually admit that you messed up even on the simpliest of matters.
Now when she makes a mistake she just says that she messed up and maybe state a reason like "old age memory loss" LOL. But the point is, no more lying. She found out that it was safe to tell the truth after all. It took alot of practice for both of us to get to this point, her to "risk" telling the truth and me not to over react to the truth.
Thanks Carol & H2C. I REALLY appreciate the input! I am hoping that he is serious about going to counciling.I guess I will know in time.He interviewed one guy but didn't like him. He said he will call some more on monday.I have to admit that I wonder if he's actually called places or if he actually interviewed that guy.Isn't it sad when their lying causes so much mistrust?
I ended up in the emergency room yesterday around 3:30 a.m. I never even go to the doctor.I have had diarrhea since monday & then started throwing up on wed. On wed. I weighed 123 & on thursday before I went to the emergency room I weighed 118. Not good! I got to the emergency & because my vital signs were low they hooked me up to an I.V. & drew blood. Turns out that my potassium was low.So, I had to take 2 horsepills of potassium.I got to go home after my vitals returned to normal but the dr. said that the virus has to run it's course & they can't stop the diarrhea.I just have to wait!Not fun at all! Other than that I am doing pretty good. I don't cry over my H.I do get lonely but I also get mad that he has done this crap to the kids & I.
Barb...it is really really important that you take care of yourself through this. I am so sorry that you ended up in the hospital. Hopefully it was a bit of a wakeup call to you. Get plenty of rest, eat a proper diet and get some exercise. Our bodies resistance to flu bugs is so much weaker when we are under a great amount of stress. I found myself sick much more often when I was stressed. On a normal occasion without the stress you could skip the food, or skip the exercise......nothing would happen. Your body is already fighting because of the stress and that just multiplies everything.
Lots of water and fluids......and chicken noodle soup!!
Thanks Kid & Carol! I was able to eat some normal food today.Just don't have alot of energy yet.
I am feeling alot of resentment & anger right now & need some advice from all of you.I am angry that H has caused all of this the last 3 years & that now I find myself putting my life on hold,waiting to see if he will get counciling & turn back into an honest person.I am mad that the kids & I have gone thru 3 years of hell because of him.Now, I know it's my choice to sit here & wait to see if he gets counciling & if he changes.Maybe I'm mad that I love him & that I'm in this mess.Maybe I'm mad that he's so selfish that he just keeps doing whatever he wants & then lies.I guess I'm just mad about the whole thing.So, how do I get over the anger?Or is the anger such a bad thing? I was just giving him a piece of my mind on the phone(he called me)& then he just doesn't want to hear it & says he has to get back to work & will call later. Whatever!I told him not to bother.I am sure that he likes being apart because then he can do whatever he wants & doesn't have to even come up with a lie.Plus, he can still call us everyday & see us once a week or so.Seems like he has the best of both worlds.What's the answer here?
Hope your feeling better. I know you're trying to lose weight but I'm sure that wasn't quite the way you wanted to do it!
I'm sorry you are still in the limbo you are in. And I understand the anger. I really scared myself yesterday with how out of control I became with it. I realized I need to get some help with this. I'm looking now for a counselor for myself. I tried it once before but it wasn't really too helpful. I think I have a better handle now on what I am looking for and thought I'd see if I can find a female counselor this time.
Take care of yourself.
Angel
This message has been edited by nobodys.fool on Oct 1, 2006 1:05 AM
Barb, you've reached the crossroads where you're in charge of what happens next.
It seems pretty clear to me that you're driving your husband away with your angry outbursts. The only person who can change your attitude is you.
If you want him back, you may have to act like it. If you want to make him pay some more, keep acting like you are.
In either case, your anger can be put to constructive use if you let it.
What is your anger really telling you?
If it's telling you that you really do love him and want him in your life, then you have to act as if you really love him and want him in your life...which means NOT unloading on him constantly.
If your anger is telling you that all this is just too much to handle, then tell him off, and figure out YOUR life and how it's going to work without him in it.
In short, it's time for YOUR decision Barb. You've tried to live together and apart, you know what each one means. It seems to me that when you've been together, your main thoughts expressed here are about kicking him out. Then when he's out, you mainly talk about how much you want him back.
In my opinion, you've got all the information you need to make your decision, and you have the power within you to stick with whatever you decide. If you follow Carol's example and set good boundaries and stick with them, the answers will begin to be clear.
Hi Chris. I understand what you are saying.I didn't even raise my voice to him over the phone. I just told him what I was thinking.He says I have a right to be angry.He promises one thing(no more lying) & then turns around in a day or so & lies again.I don't want him back right now.That has not even come up in conversation since I had him leave this time.I told him that he needs to figure out why he keeps lying & why he cheated.He's not welcome back here until he figures that out.I think it's a good sign that he's looking for a councilor but am not putting alot of hope into it.Everytime I have hoped that he was being honest with me, it turns out that he was lying.So, I am not going to get my hopes up with anything concerning him.I tell him that I love him & miss him & he tells me the same BUT he knows that he has months of counciling ahead & that he can't come back during that time. AFTER(or if) he figures things out THEN he can date me.He said he is willing to do that.There is no more just moving back in & lying to me.I'm done with being treated that way.I have come to terms with the fact that we will not be together anytime in the near future.He is welcome to come & see the kids once a week(that's about all the time he has) & he's welcome to come for Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner.I have to admit that I feel kind of bad that he's sleeping on a couch in a warehouse breakroom BUT then I quickly tell myself to stop feeling sorry for him.HE had the A & HE chose to keep lying to me about stuff(non A related) since then.So, he's where he is because of the bad choices he made. Not my problem!My job is to take care of my kids & the daycare.I am hoping to go to a club tomorrow nite to listen to some blues music.Thought I would try something new.Just depends if I can get my 17 year old to babysit for a few hours.I will have to bribe her!
Barb, this is what I'm talking about. That's a mixed message at best. At worst, it tells him that he can do anything he wants and you will still love him. Worse, he says he loves you. Well, from what you've described, those are pretty empty words that aren't backed up by much action.
>>Thought I would try something new.Just depends if I can get my 17 year old to babysit for a few hours.I will have to bribe her!<<
I have a 17-year-old too. He is expected to do his share to keep up our home, and I don't "bribe" him to carry out his responsibilities...which are what I say they are. Barb, you're the parent. BE the parent.
You beat me to the punch Chris. I read this earlier and hadn't had a chance to post yet.
If your 17 year old lives under your roof then she/he lives by your rules and has certain responsibilities. Saying no wouldn't be considered an option in my house without a really valid reason.
The 17 year old is moving out.I told her that since she doesn't want to help out much she can just go.We had this conversation a week or so ago.She was apartment hunting with her friend this past weekend.She should be out before Christmas.
I guess it doesn't matter that I love or miss him but I do.I guess it's stupid for us to say those things to each other.Maybe we just shouldn't talk to each other at all. I don't know.
no contact does make things a whole lot easier.......if you have truly decided you want a divorce.
if you are trying to reconcile then staying in contact likely is better
However, you cannot flip back and forth and make ultimatums or threats you are not prepared to follow through with or your word will mean absolutely nothing to him. Plus, your children are watching this and it will mean nothing to them as well.
Hi Kid! We both still want to work things out.The way things stand now, we realize that we can't be together until he gets counciling to figure out why he keeps lying & why he had the affair.We both think that being apart right now is for the best.The plan is for him to figure things out & then he will date me.Then hopefully, we will end up back together & can start building a new relationship.Who knows if any of it will happen BUT that's what we hope for.At least that's what he says he wants.All I know is that we are going to be apart for a long time.I am sure that counciling is a long process.So, I am trying to get use to the fact that I have a husband but I really don't.
I had a beautiful post but it was eaten by the cyber monster!
So Barb are you staying together or are you staying apart? Do you have a plan in place? Is he allowed to sleep with other people?
You do realize that for him to figure this out could take years. That is a long time waiting on the fence hoping he figures it out and decides he wants the marriage. What are you going to do during this time? Stay stagnate or move on with your life?
As a person who sat on the fence for 4 months I have to say it nearly killed me. It was the hardest part of the whole affair. I would hear I love you, I hate you, I love you, opps nope you caused me to do this, I love you, you deserve better, I love you...........all the crazy making behaviour and it is extremely exhausting.
Make a plan if you can and decide what you can live with and what you won't. Decide what you expect and what sort of progress he needs to make before he is allowed back into your life.
I don't necessarily believe that he lies because of a genetic problem or some disease and he just can't control himself. He lies because he gets away with it. He lies to cover his own ass. He lies because it sounds better than the truth.
Of course him agreeing to counselling could just be a lie too. I guess in time his true colors will show.
But what does Barb do in the meantime?? What are you doing to heal you? What are you doing to find your inner happiness without your H? Will hanging on like this stunt your recovery?
Take some time to think about what it is you want, and how you want to get there. If he joins you on the way, then great. Otherwise you can survive on your own.
Not sure if this helps...we are each individuals. What worked for me is that I decided that I wanted more than crumbs...I deserved better than what I was getting for sure. I decided that I was better off without my H emotionally and I was already without him for the most part pshycially since he ws never here. Why stay with someone who was not there? What was the real difference? H would be responsible financially for me and the kids regardless. So I totally let him go. I got to the point where I knew I would be OK with or without him and was fully prepared to be without him as long as he only gave me crumbs! Why should he give more if more was not required of him? Think about it Barb...I mean really think about it. If this is all you expect from your H, this is all you're going to get! No threats...you need to really believe it and back up what you are saying 100%. Trust me, he can tell the difference.
Take Care...Carol~
EDITED TO ADD:
Please read my response to the post "Question to Carol", here is a link:
Thanks Carol! I told H on the phone tonight that I don't want him calling anymore.He said that he would comply if that's what I wanted. I told him that it was stupid for us to talk on the phone several times a day & to say "I love you", "I miss you".I told him that if he loved me & the kids he would not keep lying & he would not have had the affair.I told him that basically he had not been in our lives for 3 years.Afterall, he has put himself first these last 3 years & not me, our marriage or the kids. I told him that I was glad that he was going to get counciling but that I didn't want to hear from him again until he "fixed" himself.I told him that I would need proof that he was actually going to counciling but beyond that I don't want to hear from him again until he figures himself out & is ready to be an honest husband & father.The he asked me if I wanted him to call at bedtime(usually 1 or 2 a.m.)& I said "no".I really think that we both need to go "no contact" for now.It will be hard at first but will be better for both of us.He will either decide that he doesn't need us afterall or he will wake up & do the work he needs to do.I have no control over anything that he does or doesn't do.I just need to focus on the kids, my daycare, the house, & myself.I am still trying to find a mortage company that will help me get the house back.I talked to one place on the phone monday nite. I faxed them some info yesterday & am waiting to hear back. The lady thought that they might actually be able to help. So, I still have not given up. I have gone to church for the last 2 or 3 sundays & that feels very good. Bless my 19 year old for being so unselfish as to watch the daycare & miss church herself. Also, I will now be taking off one saturday a month to spend time with my own children. I am making a big deal out of it.This month I am taking Saturday the 21st off.I told the kids that if it's not raining we can head to Portland & go to the zoo. We have a membership so it would only cost us gas money.If the weather is icky we will stay here in town & do something.Travis & I are planning on going to an amateur hockey game that saturday night. Darby doesn't want to go. I am hoping Travis will like the game. I LOVE hockey but haven't really followed it for about 20 years.It will be so good to spend the day with just my own kids! I am also closing at 6 p.m. on Halloween night. No taking daycare kids trick-0r-treating this year. So, I am making steps in the right directions! I'm trying guys!!!!Feedback?
Hi Chris.This setting boundries thing is hard.H has been on my mind all day & evening.I haven't called him though.Now I'm just really sad & lonely.I guess it will get better as the days pass but it's so hard not to talk to him on the phone.I don't know if this "no contact" thing will do either of us any good or not. I guess I'll just have to wait & see.
As far as the daycare, the parents don't really run my life. I chose to be open 24/7 because I need the money.Now I chose to take one day a month off.May not seem like a big step but it is for me.
Taking time off is a BIG step. I almost choked when my H finally did it! Now he enjoys taking a day off and is not so concerned about the money, and he was always sucha freak about it. So I say it is a good thing for you and for your kids. They desreve to spend time alone with their mom.
And setting boundaries and upholding them, yep, it's pretty hard. But once you start doing it you will really see the value of it...you are worth it! Good for you Barb! You should be proud of teh steps you are taking
Thanks Carol! I'm trying to do what is best.I can't believe how hard it is not talking to him on the phone.It's only been 24 hours & I miss his voice.But, I have to do this for the both of us.Maybe being without the kids & I will cause him to think,OR like I said before he could just decide he's done.But either way, at least I am showing some respect for myself.I am not feeling strong at all but he doesn't know that. As long as I don't pick up the phone & call him I at least appear strong.It's hard but I have to do this.At least I will be going to bed in a few hours & hopefully will at least get some peace then.I am not taking the phone to bed with me. He always called when he was done work, so I always took the phone to bed with me. Not anymore.I'm no longer here waiting for him to call. Well, I am but he doesn't know that!Anyway, I'm the one that told him not to call me until he got things figured out.
Well, I couldn't stay away from him.I spent the last few days vomiting & by yesterday I was feeling sorry for myself so as I sat by the toilet throwing up,I called him & told him I was sick again.Then I called him back around 5 p.m. last nite to ask him to please stop by Little Ceasers & get 2 pizzas for the daycare & our kids. I was so sick, there was no way I could cook.Then he called me at 11 p.m,. to say "goodnight" because he was going to go to sleep early.Then he called me at 3 a.m. because he woke up & missed me.Why can't we just leave each other alone?Why am I so damn stupid?Because I choose to be I guess.If he really wanted to be a decent husband & father he would have straightened up by now.Anyway, I left him a message this evening that made him mad. He called back & then during the conversation he made me mad & I hung up on him. So mature! So, I don't think I will be hearing from him.At least I am finally able to keep some food down now.There, I'm done venting about how stupid I am.I think that love is a sickness.
Barbara, I am so sorry you are hurting so badly, I know that feeling all to well.
I wish I had something clever and wise to tell you that would help.
I can say keep posting and coming back, it helps sometimes to just vent it all out and please know we all understand and are here to support you!!
Thanks for your comments. You should whack me with the 2X4.Lord knows I need it.I should have enough sense to know that he isn't anything like the man I married & that he probably can't be that person ever again.It just hurts so much.Shit, now I'm crying again.Alot of good the tears have done the last few years.I just don't understand any of this crap.It sucks that he's just doing what he wants to do.He was never like that.He was always a good husband & father.Now he's neither.I don't understand how he can go one day without seeing his kids.I could never do that.If he cared he would call them before they leave for school in the morning or when they get home but he doesn't. Doesn't even call them at bedtime. I just want to slap him for turning into such an ass.I want to slap him for destroying what we had,for not straightening up now.
James, I read your posts a few minutes ago & it was really nice of you to take the time to post to me. You are going thru so much shit of your own & yet you took the time for me.I hope you find your happiness.I hope we all do. I wish I could just let go.I wish I knew if I had a chance in hell of him ever straightening up.Why is my H all screwed up when he was great before this last 3 years?What the hell happens to a person?None of this makes sense.All I know is that it hurts like hell to have all this happen.How can he just look me & the kids in the face & lie to us?How do you do that to someone you are supposed to love & care about?I'm just sad & mad tonite.We have been apart for several weeks now & I miss him all the time.Why do I bother?
Barb.....are you taking care of yourself?? You have been sick alot lately and I am concerned about you!!
You need to get your sleep. You need to eat properly and you need to get exercise. Take multi vitamins and eat lots of Vitamin C. Drink lots and lots of water...
I have a really bad immune system and since finding out about the MS I now know why.
I came down with a whopper of a sore throat etc yesterday. My throat was swollen shut and I couldn't even talk. I immediately went to a drug store and bought COLD FX (its over the counter). This stuff is absolutely amazing. Within an hour or two I was feeling better and now you wouldn't even know I had a cold. Just a bit stuffy still but I have energy which is something I didn't have when I woke up yesterday. Felt about 90.
I have used it on flu bugs before too. I highly recommend it. It is expensive but worth every penny!!!!
Thanks so much for caring! I'm sorry to hear about your sore throat. I will have to try the stuff you recommended. I just bought some multi-vitamins. I NEVER get sick like this.I always get sick 2 times a year(a bad cold, & the 24- hour bug).Don't know why I got so sick this time.My immune system has always been really good. Well, I am within a few ounces of goal weight.In June I weighed 155.6 & today I weigh 118.6 . Now I just need to start working out & firm up.I feel so much better now.Gaining the weight after finding out about the A did not help my self-esteem any.It's funny because my H lost weight for the OW but now he gained it all back & looks bad.He needs to lose about 100 lbs.
How are you feeling Kid? Sore throat almost gone?Hope so! Today is a good day.Isn't it funny how some days all the A crap doesn't hurt so much & neither does being away from my H.I told him yesterday that he needs to start spending an hour a day with the kids.He agreed. I told him that I don't care how busy he is.I also told him that if he wants us back together then he should start treating me like he cares.I told him that he didn't need to wait until he went thru counciling to be proactive.I don't think he'll put much effort into things though.He got sick last nite with the stuff that I had.I felt kinda bad about that since he was around me to take me to the emergency room & then to drop pizza off,etc. Oh well, it's not like I got him sick on purpose. Haven't even hugged or kissed him in a month.
I am wondering how I will grow thru all of this.I know I'm more of a bitch now. I just wonder how I will grow in positive ways.I am getting ready to start reading Dr. Laura's book"The Proper Care & Feeding Of Husbands". I am sure that I kind of took him for granted for a year or so before all of this A mess happened. Still, he always told me he was happy.He still says that he was happy & that it wasn't my fault.Anyway, I am going to find time to read the book & see if I learn anything.
Still a bit under the weather cold wise but I feel okay. I am full of energy and have been outside walking in the beautiful fall weather. My head is stuffy now and I am coughing a bit, but otherwise the rest of the cold has run its course.
Geeez! Everyone is sick lately. I hope both of you ladies are feeling better soon! After d-day one, I caught pneumonia! How's that for not taking care of myself? This time, I have let go of so much of the stress. I thought before that I was going through early menopause, well lets just say things have returned to normal but with a vengence, lol. So, even though I am having killer cramps right now I do feel a whole lot better!
And Barb, dont be so hard on yourself. You were not feeling well. I would have called H for pizza too, lol.
Glad you're feeling better Kid! We are having a nice week of Fall weather too. It's chilly but the wonderful sun is shinning.I woke up this morning with my eye stuck shut.Must have a cold in my eye.My body is usually so healthy, but not the last couple of weeks! I can't believe how fast October is going by already!
I feel better today and managed through the whole day at work without too much a problem. My coworkers weren't thrilled I was there though LMAO
We are under a winter storm watch and expecting 10 cm of snow tomorrow with heavy bitter winds.....brrrrrrr!!! Time to break out the snow boots, mitts and touque.
Hi Kid! I kinda miss growing up in the snow.My kids have no idea what a winter is.Here all it does is rain.I remember not seeing the ground all winter, & once we had a blizzard at Easter.I especially miss being outside in the pitch black night,snow on the ground, bright beautiful stars up in the sky.Good ole Indiana country girl here!I would love to experience a white christmas again! So, send some snow this way. Kid, you would laugh at things here. On the VERY rare occasions that we do get a snow flake or two, they close the schools & people miss work. It's so funny!
Hi Carol! I don't get on here alot anymore.So, how are things going with you & your H? How are your children? My son is going to be attending a new group at his school. It's for children of parents who are divorced or seperated.It will meet for 45 minutes,once a week, for 8 weeks.I think it's nice that the school councilor is doing this.Hopefully Terry & I will be able to work things out but I think it wil be good for my son either way.Even if we can work things out, all of this has had a toll on the kids.
Well, time to get dinner started!
