As you said yourself, there is no "secret formula." However, I can tell you what worked for me in my case. There are many BS who are/were in a similar situation but, much of this depends on the WS's response and how serious you are with following through. So, take from it what you can and leave the rest behind 
Please remember this is a process and it took time. If you are looking for a quick fix this is not it!
1) Find a good individual counselor: One who understood affairs really well. He understood the pain and devistation, and also understood what it takes from the BS and the WS for things to change. I believe that marriage counseling does not do much good until both the WS (why they had the A) and the BS (why we stay and put up with the WS behavior) both address their individual issues.
2) Stop trying to "fix" your WS: Your WS's issues are theirs alone to address and deal with. You cannot go through this process for them, so stop trying. They need to suffer the consequences of their actions in order to see that what they are doing is wrong. Nagging them doesnt work! Pointing out their flawed thinking doesnt work! They use your "attitude" as continued justification for what they are doing and it turns them off. You can certainly give your opinion on the subject and let the WS know where you stand, but the choice to continue the behavior and avoid addressing their issues, or not, is ultimately up to them. This is what we mean by the WS taking a good hard look at themselves and learn to deal with their issues and what allowed them to think it was OK to cheat. They need to fix themselves.
3) Be open to changing YOU first: If neither of you change you will remain polorized, stuck in limboland. Hence, if nothings changes, nothing changes. This goes with the saying " you can't keep doing the samething over and over again and expect different results."
You might say to yourself "it is my WS who needs to change not me. So why are you saying I need to change first?". Since you cannot change anyone but yourself and you know you cannot fix your WS, it makes sense to start with YOU. How do you react to what your WS says or does? What needs to change there? You need to change the way you react. The only way to do that is to look at why you react the way you do and think of reacting in a different way, one that will bring about positive change for you. Small behaviroal changes in the BS sends a message to the WS that you are no longer putting up with their behavior. It is now about what YOU want.
Here are some examples of the simple behavioral changes that I made at first:
H refused to come home for dinner: I stopped making dinner for him at midnight or later most of the time. The leftovers were in the fridge and he was welcome to them if he wanted them. Before I would cook him dinner when he got in the door.
H refused to come home within a decent amount of time after work: I stopped waiting up for him EVERY night like I had done for the past 15 years. I started going to bed by midnight.
H refused to call me and be accountable for his whereabouts: I stopped calling him to see what he was up to unless it was absolutely necessary to do so.
H refused to take time off to be with me and the kids: I stopped taking the kids to the pizzeria just so he could see them.
4) Take care of yourself: This means putting yourself first, before your WS. This means taking care of your personal issues and needs..taking care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically, and in some cases financially. Try to depend upon ourself and your support network, and as little as possible from your WS. Focus on you and what you want from the marriage and from life in general. Make yourself a priotity! Do things for you! Stop focusing on your WS and what they are doing and what they want. This is about you now...get plenty of sleep, eat right, and exercise.
As you start to do all of the above you will start to feel better about yourself. You will eventually gain back much of your self esteem and self worth that had taken such a beating from the A and your WS's behavior. You will learn to trust yourself again after being so betrayed. You will not just say to yourself that you are worth it, you will actually believe that you are worth it and you will demand better for yourself. You will no longer put up with the crap and accept the crumbs. Soon you will want it all or nothing! You will no longer be able to just "settle". The more you take care of yourself you will be able to address your fears regarding staying or going.
5) Address your fears: Why do we stay many ask, and the answer for many of us is fear. Fear of what will happen to us without or WS. Fear of the unknown. There are finacial fears, fears about the children, and fears of what others will think of us. There are countless fears, all of which we have rationalized as a way of staying with our WS. Many will say they stay for love. Of course we stay for love but at what cost to ourselves? We pay a heavy price if we stay for love. If you have read any of the affair recovery books you have read by now that love is not enough. There must also be committment and respect. A WS is not commited nor do they respect you or they would not be doing what they are doing. They would be acting in loving and respectful ways. They would be remorseful and doing all they can to make the marriage work. Part of the problem is that we are not respecting ourselves because we are afraid to stick up for ourselves and address our own fears. Therefore, our fears must be addressed if we are to move forward.
Social Fears~ What will others think of me if I divorce?: In todays society divorce is very common and is not looked down upon the way it once was and does not carry the same social stigma it once did. However, you may still feel apprehensive. Usually when people know the true story of why you divorced, most will look at you as a strong person who got themselves out of a bad situation.
Financial Fear~ I cannot make it on my own: If you are a woman this may be a very real fear. My suggestion si to go to a lawyer and find out exactly what you are intitled to if you were to divorce. You may just find that your fears are unfounded. Also, as a way to protect yourself you can put away small sums of money in a private account and save until you feel safe enough to leave. Enough money for a few months is usually sufficient to make it on your own long enough to get a job or until you start to receive child and/or spousal support. You may also find that in a divorce you will be able to request support so that you can go back to school to learn a trade if you have been a stay-at-home-mom or to better your career.
What about the children~ Wont the children suffer? Honestly, if the parents are fighting the children are already being affected. Seperating or divorcing will likely end some of their emotional suffering and actually be a relief to them. It may be difficult for children at first but they are resilliant and adaptable. And I bet your child/ren know of at least one of their friends whose parents are divorced. They are definately not alone in their suffering. There are many support groups and counselling available for the children to cope as well, even at school. Even if they are not suffering right now, they know that something is not right. And eventually they will find out the truth. Better to hear it from you than a "friend or other family member".
Fear of being alone~ I will never find someone else and I will end up alone: Honestly, if your WS is detached, not commited or still cheating, YOU ARE ALREADY ALONE in your marriage! Freeing yourself from your WS can only bring opportrunity to find another if you allow it, and if that is what you want at some point in the future. It is up to you or not to be alone. It is your choice.
6) Detaching from your WS and letting go: This is not the easiest step to take especially if you still love this person, but it is a necessary step to get to where you need to be, to heal from the A and do what is best for YOU. The A was not about you, as you know by now. After following all of the above steps this becomes crystal clear at this point. Now you can let go of your WS and the A a piece at a time, so that neither the WS or the A has control over you.
I acheived detachment by thinking about my pain. Not wallowing in it but, turning it into positive energy...no longer distorting the truth, but really seeing things without the rose-colored glasses on. This meant seeing my H for who he has become and not who he used to be. This means seeing my marriage for what it was and not for how I wanted it to be. This means letting go of the fantasy and coming out of the BS fog that we are in. It means giving up control of the outcome. It means knowing that YOU will be OK with or without your WS, no matter what happens to the marriage. Once you get there you will know that this is where you need to be. This is when you realize you have no control over your spouse and the outcome of your marriage. This is when you know in your heart that you have done all you can to save your marriage and you can let go. There are no doubts anymore. It is when I realized that I could not continue to stay in a marriage where I was not loved and respected, that I was truly better off on my own, that I was worth more than this and did not deserve to be treated like this. I let it all go! And after hiring the PI and getting confirmation of what my gut was telling me, a calm came over me and I knew what I needed to to do. Just the last little push that I needed!
7) Actions speak louder than words: I knew what was best for me and I needed to take action. No more words, action! Of course there is never a perfect time but you can ready yourself as best as you can....trust yourself...and take the leap! No matter what happens...you will OK. I said this to myself over and over again.
I needed H (as I now knew him) out of my life! I had never theartened my H before with leaving or kicking him out. If I took action he would know that I was serious, that this was not an idle threat. So, I got all my ducks in a row and felt confident in my decision and in in being able to take care of myself at this, plus I had let H go already. And I knew what I wanted and this marriage was not it...my H was not it. I wanted better and I knew I deserved better. I was no longer going to put up with any of this...I didnt have to! I have the power to do something about it...to take charge of my own future.
I took the kids to my MIL's and asked if they could stay the night. I then went home and changed all of the locks. I wrote a note to H, gathered up all of his belongings, loaded them up in my car and dropped them off in front of the pizzeria and then I left without a word...no confrontation, no change for him to lie, I just did what I needed to do.
H knew that I was serious and that I intended to seek a divorce. I did not give him a chance to manipulate me or the situation. He had lost me and the kids at that very moment and he knew it. It was at that moment when he realized that he really did have something to lose, that he was motivated to change, to end the A, and seek help for his addictions. He knew exactly what I needed him to do in order to save the marriage and in order for him to earn another chance. He knew he needed to do the work and suffer the consequences of his action. He didnt know how much he loved me and the kids until he was actually faced with losing us. I was no longer going to play his game...I was no longer going to take the crumbs. And he was no longer going to be able to have his cake and eat it too. He had to make a choice! He had to recommit or lose everything, and this from a man who had professed numerous time to have nothing to lose!!! Now it is time for me to sit back and let his actions speak for him. He can say what he wants, but I am looking for actions, not words.
Things could have easily gone the other way, which is honestly what I expected to happen. I expected H to be happy that I was setting him free, especially since he didnt seem to have the balls to do it himself. But that is the thing...you must be willing to accept that your WS is going to walk away and that's where I was at. I was fully prepared which was why I had to detach from H and let him go...and to let the marriage go. You must be serious and mean it...back up our own words with action!
8) Setting and upholding boundaries: Now that H is doing all he can to save our marriage and is now remorseful, now is the time for setting and upholding your boundaries. Now that H not only knows what those boundaries are, he knows that I am willing to uphold mine. I will no longer give anyone such power over me and let them trample all over my boundaries and me! I will not allow it. I will protect myself from now on.
I am not letting H move back in until he can prove to me that the changes I see are permanent, and only if it is what I want.
Take Care...Carol~
