I haven't posted for a while as I have been back in therapy to try and deal with my feelings again. If you haven't read my story my wife had an A for 8 months with a co-worker which I discovered in April 2004 so I am now 2 years 5 months past d-day.
She has been fully remorseful but will not discuss the A at all. We can discuss what circumstances led to the A and that our relationship was in a bad place at the time. My C recently asked me what it was I wanted her to do in order for me to let go of the resentment I still hold for her betraying me so badly. I said that when I get a trigger then she should see that I am feeling hurt and realise that she caused this pain.
I told her this and asked her if she could find it in herself to apologise for her actions and tell me that she loves me and give me a hug whenever a trigger occurs. After we discussed it for a couple of hours and she initially stormed off in anger as she usually does she agreed that she could do this.
Since then I have had 2 triggers and she has responded positively and made me feel better.
We had a major trigger the other day though. She has recently moved to a new job which is more high profile and requires her to work further from home (she commutes daily) and much harder than the last one. She told me that she had been invited to a conference where she had to stay away overnight. This was a major trigger for me as the A occured whilst she was away overnight with work at various conferences and seminars.
I told her that I would not be able to deal with her staying away with work as I would agonise over what she was up to and it made me realise that I still do not trust her sufficently to be able to cope with this. It makes me feel weak and frustrated as I want to be able to feel strong and capable and deal with things as they occur.
Anyway she doesn't have to go to the conference so has declined but she did say that she may be required to work away occasionally in this job. I don't want this kind of life and neither does she so I said we should look at what we really want from life and change our circumstances to suit that. She agrees with me on this too which is a good thing.
The real problem for me now though is that it has made me look at our relationship as a long term commitment rather than just getting through each day as I have been doing since d-day. I realise that I still feel a huge amount of resentment towards her and we maintain a polite distance from each other a lot of the time. We have the odd day where we feel close but mostly I feel disconnected from her and just get on with things.
I wonder why after an A we stay with our WS? I know it is probably love but why still go through such pain and misery and how long does this phase - if it is a phase - last? I often feel it would be easier to deal with on my own. I wouldn't have to see her everyday and face up to what she did and feel resentful, she wouldn't have to feel guilty about it eveytime she sees the hurt I feel often.
You sound so much like me. I hate to hear that you are feeling this way over 2 years since your D- Day. I am only 1 year since mine and i hate to think that i am still going to feel this way for another year or more. This last year has been HELL!
But i understand the resentment you feel. I feel that way to . I can look at my H sometimes and be totally discussed with him. It is like the minute he walks in the door my demeanor changes.
I also feel very disconnected from my H. It is like we are roomates not husband and wife.Like you there are times that there are a few feelings of affection , but not many.
Have you been able to tell you W you love her since you found out about the A? I have not been able to.Why do we put ourselfs thru such pain and misery???I wish i knew!
Good luck to you!
Kathy
Keith....I am sorry you are still hurting. I do have to wonder however how you can sufficiently repair a marriage when your wife will not discuss the subject of the problem. How does she successfully dig deep enough and uncover enough of her own insecurities/lack of morales/lack of boundaries/etc that caused her to have an affair in the first place?
Second let me say this - her being in or out of town is NOT the issue. It may seem like it to you, but I will tell you that if somebody wants to have an affair or is open to having an affair it will happen anywhere including at home in your own bedroom when you are not around. Her travelling out of town has nothing to do with whether or not it happened the first time and whether or not it will or could happen again.
I realize everybody has a different path to go down and I personally healed as a divorced person but I know I could heal myself, but never a marriage, without full and complete disclosure of everything. Rebuilding trust is hard enough, but them coming clean and staying clean are what lets the BS know that there is true remorse and that they can gradually begin to trust again. Without that it is no wonder trust is a sticking point with you.
Hi Kathy and Canuck_Kid and thanks for your responses.
To answer your question Kathy yes I have been able to tell my W that I love her and she is able to tell me too. This has never been as issue but obviously I feel much differently now than before the A. I do love her but not in the blind faith way I did before.
Good to hear from you again Canuck_Kid and you are right in what you say about the issue of trust.
We have had great developments since I posted though. My W recently heard from her best friend who has just told her that she is leaving her husband for another man. This was a huge trigger for my W and she told me about it straight away. I first of all was pleased that she told me and didn’t try to ignore it. I was also able to help my W with the trigger and explain that it wasn’t anything to do with our relationship but was a problem that her friend had to confront herself.
The good thing is that it has made my W ‘come out into the open’ with regard to her A and she feels that she has been hit by a ton of bricks by doing this. She is no longer pretending that the A never happened or that it wasn’t her. She told me that she can’t believe that she could have harmed our relationship so severely and is fully prepared to work hard to ensure that we stay together.
I have told her that all I want is honesty and the ability to refer to the A if we have triggers or moments when either of us are feeling low. I don’t want to regurgitate the details of the A but want us to recognise that it happened and that we are working to overcome the devastation it caused.
She has been a different person over the past few days and is demonstrating more care and reassurance than ever before. This is helping me to care for her and to try and let go of the resentment I have felt since I found out.
I think you are right Canuck_Kid when you say “How does she successfully dig deep enough and uncover enough of her own insecurities/lack of morales/lack of boundaries/etc that caused her to have an affair in the first place?”
She wasn’t doing that and just hiding it away in the hope that it would all be OK in the end. Now we have it out in the open we have more chance of making our new relationship work.
Kathy have you been for any counselling at all? I had such resentment at first but when I had been in C for a while I came to realise that I was holding all of my anger and resentment right up in front of my face so not allowing any of my feelings for my W to come through at all.
Anyway, things are looking better and I know it is still a long road but I feel that there is light at the end now my W has fully left the fog behind at last!
