Well I just stood up for myself & it felt wonderful!!!! H came over to check another one of the hoses on my van & to see the kids & I.He wasn't even here for 5 minutes & I told him to leave.He was looking at my van & I told him I wanted to see his cell phone.Well, he said "not this again" & he said he thought it was crazy & that "no" he wasn't going to let me see it because he had been sick & hadn't been doing anything wrong,etc. I told him that if he wasn't going to let me see his phone then he should leave now.So, off he went. Then I called him & told him that I will not waste anymore time on him if he wasn't going to be open & honest with me. I told him I didn't care if he thought it was crazy & I didn't care if it made him feel like I was treating him like a kid.Then I went on to tell him that I have been completly honest with him from the beginning about not trusting him & that it would take years before I could ever trust him again.I told him that trust had to be earned.So, I told him let's end it now if you can't handle being completly open with me about everything.I told him that if he loves me & wants the marriage enough then he had better start acting like it by doing EVERYTHING in his power to do what it takes.Then I told him that I have been raising these kids by myself the last 3 years & that if I have to do it totally on my own then I will.Boy, I felt so strong & I still do now.Screw him for not doing what he needs to do.He says he won't tell me "no" about the cell phone again & that when he gets a councilor he will discuss his resistance with him or her. I told him that what I am demanding(totally openess) is not being crazy. Right now I feel like he can take a flying leap!!!!He asked if he could come by & see the kids tomorrow & I told him o.k.. At least I finally stood up for myself!That guy needs to stop putting his feelings first.His feelings don't matter as far as me demanding that he be completly open & verify things.I told him that his actions(cheating & lying) caused all of this & that now it was up to him to fix it or not.Being an adult means putting up with the fallout caused by your actions.Anyway, I was not being a bitch but I sure did tell it like it is & I stood up for ME!!!
"He says he won't tell me "no" about the cell phone again & that when he gets a councilor he will discuss his resistance with him or her."
Of course he won't tell you no again...cause next time he'll be better prepared and will have erased whatever he was hiding this time. You've been dealing with this crap far too long!!!
Honestly I personally wouldn't even have agreed for him to come over tomorrow and see the kids......he will just use that as a way to worm his way back in with you.
I would have created some boundaries and told him firmly that he was allowed to see the children and he could pick them up at xxxxx time and take them somewhere fun of his choosing (even to the park to play a game of basketball or football, etc). That would give you some "me" time you likely really need since your always surrounded by so many kids, it would create a boundary and show you are serious this time AND the kids would get out and do something fun with their dad.
It also may help you figure out if he is really coming over to spend time with the kids or if it is an alterior way of coming over to see you and try to keep you as his safety net.
I AM GLAD YOU STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF!!!! It is good to not play the doormat anymore.
Hi Kid ! He only has about a 1/2 hour to see the kids tomorrow evening so there really wouldn't be time to take them anywhere.I don't think he's trying to get close to me. We've both agreed to the ground rules:No kissing,sex,etc.No living together until after he figures all of this out & then he can't just move back in together;we have to date. This is the way we both want it.It's working.We haven't even tried to kiss each other.The other times we were apart those things just complicated & confused things.When he does come over it's pretty generic. No emotions shown.We talk a few minutes about general things & then he goes off to work some more.We hardly ever see him so It's not really an issue.I'm cool with the way things are now.It's nice to not have any physical contact during this time.It's a safety shield for my emotions.I am to the point where I am pretty use to him not being around & I know this is a long road that we are on if we are going to try & work things out.So, either way, I am going to be alone for a long while.Might as well deal with it.Luckly I keep so crazy busy with work, housework,my kids,etc. that there is not much time to feel lonely.Being without him is just the way it is now.Last nite my 10 year old son & I went to a late movie. I enjoy doing things like that & don't need Terry around to enjoy things. I will not let him steal all my happiness.He has hurt me the worst that I have ever been hurt but I will not fall down & not get up.He is on my mind 24/7 but it is not desperation anymore.So, I have improved even though I do have my bad days where I cry & feel so dejected & broken hearted & still shocked by it all.But it only last a day or 2 now.So, I will be o.k. because I have to be.I often wish I could take a break & get away for a few days but it's not possible because of finances.Maybe someday I can get away alone & let myself deal with all that has happened.I would love a week alone in Tucson to hike Sabino Canyon & write poetry.I miss doing that. I wrote some good stuff there over 20 years ago.I really miss that place.That would be my healing.BUT life is what it is & I have to be here.Still, I will heal one way or the other.
I am with Charlie and Kid on this. If he had nothing to hide he would have handed over the phone pronto! He really doesnt get it. He just missed a great opportunity to demonstrate that he could be trusted, but unfortunately proved the exact opposite, that he cant be trusted. Next time you ask he will be prepared...he will have erased what needs to be erased before he gets there. I am sorry, but he is hiding something. Even if he isnt, he is guarding his privacy and certainly values it more than the marriage or he would be open and allow you to check the phone. So what I am trying to say is whether he had something to hide or not, he refused to be open. And not being open (regardless of why) is the same as being closed in the marriage. But still, why did he refuse? Barb... people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
He probably is hiding something but that's not even what pissed me off.What pissed me off last nite was that he refused to do something that he knew was important to me.He didn't put my feelings or our marriage first.It was all about him & what he chose to do.NOT gonna work anymore.That's why I told him to get the hell out of my yard.He didn't last 5 minutes here last nite & boy was he surprised when I told him to go!He didn't even get to visit with the kids.It was all totally his fault & his choice.
You are showing some real progress. You said some really positive things there Barb. You did not take the blame for his actions, you stood up for yourself, and he suffered the natural consequences of his actions
Thanks Carol! I am doing pretty good right now.I am tired of his crap.He is being totally unreasonable in not being open & honest with me.I don't think there are too many councilors that would disagree with what I am asking(total honesty & to be open about his phone & emails,etc.)As I told him on the phone after he left,"if you can't handle being totally honest & open about your life then tell me now & we can stop wasting each other's lives".I told him that I don't trust him & that I have been upfront about that from the beginning of this whole A mess.He did agree that was true.So, I know I am not being unreasonable by telling him that I have to be able to see his cell phone & anything else that I have concerns about.
Talked to H on the phone this evening.He still hasn't come by to see the kids.Anyway, I told him that I know he doesn't feel well but that I wanted to say something without sounding like a bitch.I told him that I think he probably likes living apart because then he doesn't have to deal with the kids & I. He said that was not the case. Then I told him that I am not going to wait much longer for the situation to change.I told him that as things stand now I have a husband that I can't even live with because I can't trust him. I told him that the holidays are almost here & that it sucks that we will be spending them apart.He said that may not be true. I pointed out to him that it's already the middle of Oct. & that he would not have things figured out by Nov. or Dec.He hasn't even started counciling yet.Anyway, I told him that I will wait awhile but that I want a husband to talk to, be close to, share my life with, cuddle with, etc. & that I have none of that now.He said he understood what I was saying.On a positive note he called back a couple of the counciling places today & was able to talk to someone from the University Of Oregon counciling place. They need him to come down sometime next week & fill out paperwork so that they can figure out how much to charge him for counciling since it's on a sliding scale.This is the most effort that he's put into things & the only time that he has sought out counciling.So, that is one positive step but only time will tell if he's serious about changing.He said something tonight about he is trying to change & that is why he is going to go to counciling.I told him that you don't "try " to change.You either change or you don't.Trying doesn't mean anything.Gosh, I am getting stronger. Let's hope it lasts this time.
Sorry to say, but it seems that your H does just enough to get you "off his back," so to speak, and then he is conveniently too busy to follow through on a consistent basis. I say this because it looks just like the type of stuff my former H did -- he just didn't want to look like the "bad guy." Not fun.
But you are practicing your boundaries, and that's a good thing (yep....I still need practice on mine....). Yay for you.
Before my former H moved out, he was being secretive as all hell but insisted that he had nothing to hide. We had two PC's at the time, but only his would work well on the internet. Well, after I found some questionable things on his PC, he locked it with a password. His reasoning? As an American, it's his right to do whatever he wants on it, and whatever may be on there is his "intellectual property."
HA hahahahahhaha! I still laugh at that one. Really.
Hi guys! Thanks, I am working on being stronger.I haven't heard from H since 6 p.m. last nite & that's unusual.I was just worried that he's o.k. because he's been vomiting & had 'the poops" all week.I ended up in the emergency room with it a few weeks ago, so I know he doesn't feel well. So, I left him a message & told him I hoped he was o.k. BUT that there was no excuse not to call since last evening.He's super busy right now because he has a deadline on getting a house remodling job done today BUT that is still no excuse. If he keeps up this behavior I will recend my invitation to come to Thanksgiving dinner.If he can't show that he cares then he won't have a family anymore.My son(10) has been really loving & wanting to be close to me.It kind of worries me.He always sleeps with me at nite but now he wants to hold my hand at bedtime & if I get up during the nite he has to follow. Poor little guy.He's usually all boy,stubborn, pain in the butt & now this behavior.The only thing I can think of is that it's all this A/lying crap.
