I just don't get any of this.H has appeared to turn back into a decent guy the last few weeks.He doesn't know why he has either.He is done interviewing councilors & has chosen one & has an appointment next tuesday with the guy.I asked H why he seems to have changed back into a decent guy & he says he doesn't know why. He does say that he realized that he's hurt the kids & I alot & that he couldn't continue to do that.Strange!I am very skeptical but have thanked him for the positive steps he's made the last few weeks.So,guess all I can do is wait & see what permanent changes he makes.

Thought I'd share this with you Barb (and anyone else)...its a nice read.

Tex

The Awakening…..(author unk)

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out
- ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening...

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how
much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with...and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love.

How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK...and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that nobody is punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOw Tex...that was great!

And Barb...I am glad H finally seems to be coming out of the fog.  I hope IC helps him deal with his issues.

Best wishes...Carol~

A

LOL Tex. YOU know what's coming next from me, but I'll wait.

I love this piece, and I see more of it in my life every time it's posted.

(But I'm still working on the wind chimes.)

Chris.

wind chimes LOL.... I won't go there again ahahaha

however.... am I the only one hanging wind chimes INDOORS?



And as you walk you make your path Kat

<<however.... am I the only one hanging wind chimes INDOORS?>>  

Do you have much wind indoors???

J

(P.S.  Thanks for that post, Tex)

LOL LOL LOL LOL.... some days we do ahahahaha

I like wind chimes, I just don't like their sounds at times... living in the middle of nowhere, knowing all the sounds and noises around me, being aware of my surroundings, outside chimes break into my subconscience and it bothers me... hard to explain tho... that's why mine are inside

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Howdy Barb...

<<<I asked H why he seems to have changed back into a decent guy & he says he doesn't know why. He does say that he realized that he's hurt the kids & I alot & that he couldn't continue to do that.>>>

That is an answer is it not? Hopefuly a T will help him figure out the "why(s)".

Best of luck.


Tex

Barb,

I'm happy to hear of the turn your husband has taken. I hope it is just the beginning and that there will be more good to come for all of you.


Tex,

Thanks for that post. It was a great read but shows me I still have a lot to learn. Sometimes my hurt, anger, self-rightiousness, and stubborness all get in the way.

Angela

H even stayed in bed a few minutes this a.m. & held me.Like I said, I don't get any of this but am thankful for the apparent change.Still, I am not about to put too much into it at this point.He has lied to me for 3 years & I don't think anyone gives up bad habits that easily.Still, I have been telling him everyday that I appreciate & notice the effort.I figure that I need to support him as much as possible.Yet, he is aware that it will be years before I trust him very much & that I have alot to get over.Still, things are looking up.

H went to see the councilor that he chose.He said that he seems pretty good. The councilor is going to check into some programs that could help pay for most of the expense of him getting counciling. The councilor is going to do that between now & Thanksgiving & then start meeting with my husband once a week after the Thanksgiving holiday.I've had lots of changes this week.My 19 year old moved out on sunday without any warning.It broke my heart but she is almost 20(next march).She moved in with her boyfriend that she only met about 6 weeks ago.She came by today to get some mail & it was so good to see her.She & I have always been close.I really miss her alot! I kicked my almost 18 year old out on Tuesday.Long story but I found out she was using drugs & I will not tolerate that or having her calling me names in my home. So, I dropped her off at a shopping center, in the pouring rain. I wouldn't give her her cell phone because she owed me money.I gave her change for the pay phone & $4 to get something to eat that night.It was hard to just drive off & leave her but you can't tell her anything or make her do anything. So, I did what I thought was best.She has been by the house twice to get some clothes. She's supposed to get her stuff out of here in a few days.I made her give me the house key when I kicked her out & she has to call before she stops by to pick up her stuff.So, that has been my exciting life!
H seems to be doing better.I am hoping that the counciling will help him to realize why he did what he did the last 3 years.He wasn't much support to me this week with the problems with the 17 year old.That made me feel like I was in all of this all by myself.It is the truth but I wish that he would be some help.He did call our 19 year old & left her a message on her cell phone.It was my idea for him to call her BUT he did do it. He said that she called her back & they talked for a few minutes. He said that he told her that if she ever needed anything to let him know.I'm glad he called her.All the kids have been let down since he had the A & turned into a lier.Maybe he can somehow patch things up with all of them,especially the two older ones.
Tomorrow i have a rare day off.I am spending it with my 2 younger kids.Travis is 10 & Darby is 11.I think they have finally decided what they want to do.I suggested all kinds of things in hopes that something would interest them.They have decided to play glow-in-the-dark minature golf.It's a new place at one of the malls. Sounds like it will be fun! We also might try ice skating.I can't even roller skate so I probably won't have much luck at it.Travis has never been ice skating either & Darby has only been once. So, we'll see if we're brave enough to try it tomorrow.We will play minature gold for sure though.It will be so nice to have a day off with them.I am also looking forward to Thanksgiving.My 19 year old told me today that she will come for thanksgiving & even stay over the nite before since her boyfriend will be out of state for the holiday.I'm happy!!

Barb,

You ended your post saying, "I'm happy." Well, I'm glad things are getting better with you and your husband but...very concerned for you and the rest of your family. Your 19 year old moved out without any warning. You kicked out your 17 year old. I don't care how great things were going with my husband and I, I could not be happy if that had been my week.

Barb, I know you said it was a long story in regards to the youngest daughter. Your house has been in a lot of turmoil the past few years. You have been very concerned about getting H to go to couseling and that's great. Have you tried to get your daughter(s) into couseling? They had to have been trying to deal with some very confusing issues and feelings throughout this whole thing. Is it too late to try to get your 17 year old to go to one at this point?

When my 26 yr. old son was about to start high school, he was terrified. He told H and I he wasn't going to go. Yea, right. There were not a lot of things that were required from us when it came to our kids but finishing school was NOT an option. We tried to talk to him but got nowhere. Finally we suggested he speak to someone (therapist). We explained to him that sometimes it's hard to tell your parents things and talking to a third party is a bit easier. He agreed and it made a world of difference. By the time school started he was ready to go and made some most likely life long friends there. They stood up for his wedding and they get together every Sunday without fail. (They're gamers.) Happy ending but don't know if it would have been if he had not gone to a counselor.

Your daughter is taking drugs which is beyond my scope of experience but it seems to me that throwing her out of the house is not the way to help her. Now maybe you have done every conceivable thing to help and now you are doing the "tough love" thing, I don't know. But if you haven't tried getting her professional help I'd move mountains if I were you to get her there.

Obviously I don't know the whole situation and my views may be very simplistic. I just hate to see any family fall apart like this and at 17 your daughter is just a kid, though she would probably disagree. She needs help. I hope I didn't overstep the boundaries here, Barb. I'm just concerned for you.

Angela

KAT? Where are you?

KAT? Where are you?

I am here, Angela, I am here ....and yes, I believe there is a lot more to the 'story'


And as you walk you make your path Kat

Your daughter would still be a minor in this state. You better check your state for laws but I think you can get charged with abuse/neglect.

Barb, I think your husband is still placating you (his reasons are his own) and that you are accepting this and still doing all the work.   Just some of many examples:  you had to tell him to call your elder daugther, you had to tell him to get counseling - or else - you had to tell him to apply for this job or that job, and he doesn't help with your younger daughter or for much else, either.

You are still accepting crumbs:  H even stayed in bed a few minutes this a.m. & held me.

You've told him that you've put your profile up on a dating site (hmmm....that had to make him feel real good...) and said that you could find a decent man if this didn't work out.   You are afraid of being alone.  Barb, I am very sorry to hear about what is happening in your family.   Yes, you can help make things better.  But the way to do this is by making yourself stronger, not trying desparately to make your husband stronger.

When you concentrate on yourself (and yes I know you're a dynamo with the kids and you've lost weight and that's really cool), you will be okay  whether he stays or he goes. 

Jean

My H also has turned into a decent human being. We were married for 32 years when I found out about his affair. I filed for divorce immediately. He had never been much of a husband or father, and when I found out he had not even been faithful - I was through.
However, he became the model husband - cooking, cleaning, writing me love notes, even being affectionate without expecting sex.
It's been 15 months since D-day, and I'm still struggling. How long does it take to heal. When will I get through a day without thinking of the OW?

Howdy Barb,

Go get your kid and bring her home. She's crying for help and both of you are so wrapped up in yourselves y'all aren't seeing it.

Tex

I didn't read all the latest posts on here but will answer a few of the questions that I did see. I told the sheriffs when they were here that I was probably going to kick her out.If it was a crime they would have let me know.Nichole has had counciling at school.She's one of those kids that you can't tell anything to.Two years ago she & her friend got caught shoplifting at Target.It was lipgloss & she had the money to pay for it but chose to do something stupid.I made her pay the $350 fine with her savings account money to teach her a lesson.Had to kick her out for not following rules approx. 2 years ago.She stayed at a friends house for approx. 2 weeks until she decided that it was better to be at home.This time she has gone too far.The drugs & the staying the nite with this drug dealer.She still firmly says it's her life & she's gonna do what she wants.Plus, as she keeps saying, she will be 18 in december & was going to move out anyway.So, I may seem like a cruel parent but with her it's always been a battle.She won't take advice & I can't just lock her up in the bedroom.Like I said, she'll be 18 in a few weeks & has always wanted to move out at that age.I saw her on Thursday.She still says that if she had stayed here she would have no life.So, she's made her choice.If she ever needs help I would help her but I won't let her staying here knowing that she's using drugs. As the sheriffs mentioned, I could lose my daycare license under those conditions.As far as the 19 year old goes, She thinks she's in love.She has been working for years & going to college since this past Fall.Before that she went to school to be a Nursing Assistant.I don't see a problem with her moving out;I just miss her.She has college, a job & is very mature/responsiable. We will still be close. She's comming home the day before Thanksgiving to spend the nite & spend Thanksgiving with us.She's also going to spend a few days before Christmas so that we can bake cookies & go to church together & spend Christmas day with us.So,at almost age 20, I don't see any red flags with her moving on.I am sure she might have stayed here longer if she hadn't met her boyfriend & if Terry & I hadn't been fighting the last few years.
As far as me telling Terry to get counciling,I suggested that he should go.I did not demand that he go Jean.He later approached me & asked for a list of low income councilors that I had. He totally dealt with interviewing councilors & picking one. I don't really see that as him throwing me crumbs.Maybe I am wrong but I don't think so. As far as me telling him to call our 19 year old, he isn't good about doing those things.Especially since he is totally focused on working all the time to pay the bills.But, he did call her & I give him credit for that.He didn't have to do it but he did.I think it will take him time to reconnect to the kids & I but I have seen him making an effort lately & for that I have been giving him credit.If he's only throwing us crumbs then I will figure that out soon enough.I have dealth with ALOT the last 3 years(A,financially,lies,Kid problems) that I am not going to totally be negative with him anymore.I will not act like a puppy dog begging for attention but I will give him credit when I notice his efforts.If I don't give him credit when it's due then he will never make any progress. At least that's the way I look at it.I have spend plenty of time over the last 3 years pointing out the lies, & the A.So, he basically knows how negatively I have felt about him the last 3 years.Now it's time to point out the good things when I see them.

My 17 year old asked if she can move back in tomorrow night.I spent about an hour talking to her.Told her if she was just wanting to move back in until she's 18, not to bother because I didn't want the house disrupted with her moving in & out.She says she will stay until she finishes alternative school.That could be anytime between Feb & June depending on how many classes she takes.I told her that she treated her boyfriend & I badly & she should think about how she treats people.I told her that there are still rules here.So, we'll see how it goes.Basically I think she wants to move back home because she quit her job a few weeks ago & hasn't found another one yet & only has about $50.So, home is convienent.I told her that She could try to be a part of the family instead of always going off doing other things.I told her it would be nice if she spent alittle time with her younger brother & sister.I told her that if she came back she had to be respectful & she had to help out with the daycare one nite a week so I could get out.She doesn't pay rent & has always had me buy her shampoo, etc. even though she was working.She's very self-centered.She's in for a rude awakening when she does finally get out on her own.She's use to using all her money for fun stuff.