I discovered my H's infidelity several years ago. After a period of high drama and promises that were basically empty, we attempted reconciliation through counseling. He lied there too. And then, he died.
I struggle now with moving forward. I was married 25 years. I miss him every day, but when that yearning comes over me, I feel deeply ashamed that I still miss someone who treated me so horrifically. I would like to shrug off the past and move ahead, but I am consumed with guilt at the idea of shrugging off his life, and indeed, most of my life. So I am stuck between shame and guilt.
I have lurked at several widow support sites, but I have not found any help there. On the other hand, most of the members of sites like this are attempting to revive their marriages. Can any of you direct me to an infidelity support site that can be a resource for me?
I think there are some of us here that can sort of understand where you are coming from.
My exH had an affair almost 5 years ago now. We are no longer together. Funny, for a period of time I pretended he was dead so that I would let myself grieve and let go. After hearing your story, I find it very ironic.
You have been dealt a large blow. You were cheated on, hurt and still hadn't picked up the pieces when your H was taken from your life. You probably feel stuck somewhere between grieving and anger. The sad part is that you will never know the whole story now, and there is nobody to take out your anger on. When my ex and I split I had much the same problem.
I can tell you that with the help of an excellent therapist I was able to overcome the fact that I would never know the details, they weren't important anyway after he was gone. You can also move your life from grieving and unhappy to a place where you focus on you and little by little you start to rebuild your life. Maybe there are some healing steps you have to go through first, but it IS possible.
So I would recommend finding a therapist. Preferably one that deals with affairs, and maybe death - if it is possible to find one that has experience in both.
In alot of ways an affair is similar to a death. I attended a trauma and loss class at our local college and found a lady who had just lost her husband. We gradually became friends and I realized that what she was going through and the stages of grief and recovery she went through were very similar to mine.
Although I have no concrete advice for you, just know I am here if you need to post. This place saved my life 5 years ago and paying it forward is what keeps me in these parts.
I just wanted to add one thing. I also feel guilty sometimes for letting somebody treat me so horribly. I feel like somehow it was my fault, even though logically I KNOW it wasn't! You have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't make him cheat and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
I know this sounds easy, but it is really hard - but focus on the good memories, the times that you enjoyed yourself, the times that were good......treasure those memories. They were real, the affair was a fantasy.
Kid
This message has been edited by Canuck_Kid on Feb 24, 2007 8:26 PM
Lark,
Many of us here are no longer trying to revive a destroyed marriage.
I believe your situation is one of the very unique ones with unique emotions to work through.
One friend of mine also had a long-term marriage and found out about her h's affair - plus marriage - two months after he passed away. She cared for him right up to the end too.
I know from talking to her that her emotions are a mix.
How long ago did your husband pass away? You mentioned that you found out about the affair several years ago so you worked through some of that trauma already.
Lark, I think you came to the right place, as you can see from the first two responses. People in general think they understand infidelity and what they would do if it afflicted their marriage. Then it happens, and they REALLY know. So for that part of it, those of us here completely understand.
We can understand and comment on "the affair stuff" that you're carrying around. In some ways your life situation is similar to those of us who divorced, in that those of us who divorced had to let go of the need/ability to ever get "answers" or "truth" and focus on ourselves.
I don't mean to suggest that you become selfish and self-centered. But as Kid suggested, there is a lot for you to work through and really all of it is between your ears. I mean that in a good way: you can resolve what you need to resolve because it's your thoughts and feelings.
For a long time, it seemed odd to me that a collection of strangers from all over the world could offer me wisdom and insight when I shared my deepest feelings on a computer screen. Then, for a time, this was my lifeline. And now it's my chance to pay it forward.
What makes this all work is the feeling of anonymity (which brings a sense of safety) coupled with a forum for your innermost thoughts and feelings. Some of what you'll read here won't work for you. Some of it will. Simply going through this kind of process helps a lot of people to recognize their position in life and to choose a path forward.
He died 5 years ago. I agree that very few people can understand infidelity unless they have been through it. I will tell you this: his death was easier to deal with, by a long shot. There was an expected sequence of events and emotional peaks, there was an enormous amount of societal and family support, and there was release from lies and scandal. I felt enormous relief from the anxiety I had been feeling for my children. While I did not get a large amount of life insurance, what I did recieve I got in one lump sum, and I was not forced to go through all those control games so commonly associated with withheld child support.
The kids were dramatically affected by his death, of course, to a degree that (again) you cannot imagine if you have not been through it. But they are all healthy now. I am not so sure they would be, if things had continued as they were during their father's MLC. They are not forced to live some sort of emotionally false life, treating that silly OW as an adult deserving of some sort of respect to keep some semblance of family around them, hiding their concerns about family finances so as not to make their father uncomfortable, protecting me, and otherwise learning to compartmentalize. The level of grief they experience is profound, make no mistake, but it is at least honest, and they all are living lives that include sincere and empathic relationships.
I believed I would no longer be living a life of embarrassment and shame, but I cannot seem to get away from that. I don't feel any responsibility for his early death. He chose to live a life filled with anxiety and stress, lies and manipulations. I did every thing I could to get him to change that, to the point of finding him a place to life, and driving him there to sign the lease. If the sress he was living with was a factor in his heart attack, that was his choice. And the OW's I suppose, not that she would accept responsibility for that.
Anyhow, I do seem to be stuck, so I am open to suggestions any of you have for moving on.
It seems to me that you are in the right place here. I mean you do mention "I miss him every day" before you tell of the guilt for feeling that way. I'm certainly no expert of this subject (probably none of us are) but it does seem logical that you need to heal from his affair before you can rid the guilt you feel for missing him because of his affair. Then I suppose you would need to heal from his death and get on with your life. I would think that it is perfectly normal to still miss someone who has wronged you. There was likely a lot that you shared together for so many years. Some couples here make their marriages work after an A and they do fairly well. I guess they believe that they are getting complete honesty though and you never got that from your H before he passed away, thus why you may seem to feel stuck?
I'm also one of those who divorced my ex, we tried to reconcile as well for over a year but he continued to lie too. This site and many of the people here also helped me tremendously. I'm very happy now and here to also pay it forward. I remember when I first found out about his affair, that I wished he would get in an accident and die. I also thought it would have been easier then dealing with this betrayal - we also were married for a long time. I changed my mind about that later on, when I started seeing him as a person who in many aspects was very weak, mostly because he thought he could not control any of the things that he kept doing wrong to me (including his A's). He has a great girlfriend now and I think eventually he'll screw that up too, which is kind of sad.
Anyway, I hope that you will stick around and ask as many questions as possible. We can't answer the "why" questions about why he had an A, etc. but we can give some perspective on how many questions can never be answered because sometimes there just is no good reason, sometimes it's just plain old selfishness, often they will blame it on you to justify their A's. In the beginning I blamed myself for the ending or our marriage and as time went by and I reasoned it out, I really couldn't have done anything differently except to maybe end it sooner. His decisions about being dishonest are where our problems stemmed and those came from his family of origin.
So if I understand, you feel "over" his death and not responsible for that.
What still troubles you is that you miss him and then feel as if you shouldn't, and then feel guilty about it.
I don't know that there's a way to box it all up and put it completely away. Like you, I spent most of my adult life married and raising kids...and also in a family business. I don't particularly think well of my ex-wife, but I don't hate and avoid her, either. What I'm trying to say is, all those life experiences with her have strongly influenced who I am today...which is not who I was when I was dealing with her poor decisions on a daily basis.
I loved her once...enough to marry, enough to have kids and make plans for a life together. That I don't love her anymore doesn't devalue her or me or our past together. I don't feel guilty about recalling good feelings or bad, or about recognizing the ways in which we mistreated each other at the end of our marriage. My marriage is still a part of my own history and will always be, even after I'm dead...my kids will remember.
When I started to miss the feeling of being together, I knew it meant I was more or less "healed" and I should be open to a new relationship. It's hard to explain to someone who isn't (or hasn't been) single in midlife, but I think you would recognize the notion that I miss being part of something bigger than me. Classes and social events and volunteering and even a career change only partly addressed that need. The triumph of hope over experience, I suppose a cynic might say.
Perhaps it's about never letting go of the hope that you'd be in a "new" relationship with him, one made right. I can tell you from experience (and from knowing others' experience) that the moment that hope is extinguished is when you see black type on a paper with your name and your spouse's name in a divorce filing. I am the sort of person who is (or was) willing to fight like hell to keep my marriage alive, never giving up hope, because I knew that once I decided it was over I would never change my mind. So I never really let it be over until the day of filing...and even after that the doubts lingered.
So you never got to the point of extinguishing hope, and now you'll never really know for sure how things "might" have turned out. That seems an entirely plausible and reasonable explanation of where you are and maybe even why. Does that seem to address your feelings?
Seeing my spouse's name on a death certificate pretty much ended any hope, of course. Learning that his A had continued up until his death, well that really threw me for a loop. Let me be clear about one thing: I don't feel guilty that I miss him; I feel embarrassed and ashamed.
In the first place, I feel like I should have known he was continuing to cheat and lie, because by that time I had faced the fact that he had been a liar and a cheat pretty much his entire adult life. I don't know why I thought he would be honest in therapy, but I did, and that is embarrassing. Maybe I hoped.
And then, there was the actual, in-my-face reality of his death. A friend (male) manned the door of the wake to ensure that the OW did not try to enter. I could not imagine in a million years that my life could become so sleazy. My 80-year-old mother was in that room, along with my children, extended family on both sides, every teacher the kids ever had, parents from all over the small suburb where we live, my professional colleagues, and his. There were so many people that the visitation went on for 6 hours, and I was "waiting to exhale" the entire time. I wanted to shake hands and accept condolences and set an example for my children about how to handle death and loss. I wanted to make people feel comfortable saying good-bye, but I felt like hiding in the bathroom. I am embarrassed thinking about that even now, with people like all of you, who understand.
So, I guess I need help getting over the shame I feel when I miss and think fondly of someone who treated me to moments like that. There were lots more, of course, which I know all of you have dealt with too. When do you stop feeling embarrassed? How do you cope with missing an abuser?
The guilt I feel is related to the shame I guess. When I miss him I feel ashamed, and I deal with shame by attempting to think of all that as the past, not the present. But I do feel guilty about pushing the memory of a dead man away. He's not in the another city. He's dead. I was married to him for 25 years, and it feels like treachery to not participate in keeping his memory alive.
I've searched and searched and I can't find anything that deals with both death and adultery. I wished I could help.
There are many BS's myself included who felt, said, believed it would be easier if their WS had died. Yet here you are letting us know what that really means. There is no chance, no hope, no yelling, no working through it, no understanding..to put it bluntly no getting what it means when they are actually gone.
Only you know what's best but its my opinion you have 2 seperate issues to deal with. (1) their death and (2) the adultery. Maybe, just maybe its time to seperate the issues and pick the one you most need help with. You are grieving so many things all at once. You need to find closure without as so much as an explanation.
I don't know what to say except I'm listening as are everyone else. You have an ear here.
You mentioned shame: there is nothing shameful about loving someone.
Hopefully you can see your strength. Sometimes there is no opportunity to make it right in this lifetime. I wished I had answers but I don't. I don't know anyone who is travelling the path you have too. You make it right for you...whatever that takes.
I am sorry for your loss. Depend on your faith whatever it is and/or trust in YOU.
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Feb 27, 2007 9:40 PM
I just wanted to add a little something. Since my marriage didn't work because my ex continued to lie until the end, I do, at times, feel that I never got the real story, never got complete honesty and never really knew why he did what he did. Although, I know it isn't completely the same as you, I think there must be a few similarities there. I mean, many of us who don't get our marriages back on track after an affair and divorce still always have unanswered questions that just don't make sense and often those betrayers are less likely to answer our questions now than they were when they were married to us. For those of us who are smart, we learn to stop asking because those questions often start arguments and get us nowhere.
I guess what I'm getting at is eventually, through this healing process, we learn that sometimes there is not a great reason for what they did, never will be, and sometimes we fight to figure out how we can be happy again. There is no way for you to ask him now, but chances are he wouldn't anyway. I hope you will find that happiness as well.
Charlie said, "I mean, many of us who don't get our marriages back on track after an affair and divorce still always have unanswered questions that just don't make sense......."
This applies to those of us who managed to stay married as well. Affairs will most often never make sense to a faithful betrayed person. And, like Charlie continued to say, after a while you learn to just not ask questions if you want your marriage to survive. I realize this is little consolation since the real issue is that you are not afforded the opportunity to ask questions, but the end result is still pretty much the same, affairs don’t make sense to the faithful betrayed. If you can wrap your head around that then maybe it will help you. My 2 cents.
