Why can it still hurt after all these years? My H and I are “separated” but still living in the same house. We had a conversation last weekend, I asked him when he would be ready to move out and he asked me to try to reconcile. One of the things that came up is that he never figured out why he had the affair in the first place, nor has he figured out why he did a lot of other things that hurt me and damaged our marriage. And he was saying again how horrible the whole A was, which lasted almost a year, I said I thought it was bs that he continued the A for fear the OW would expose it, since she was a married SAHM and had more to lose than he did. And my H said, she wasn’t a SAHM, she probably made more money than her H did with her own business.

My H had never answered questions. Most of what I knew about the A I found out myself. I don’t remember why I thought she was a SAHM but I guess he just let me think a lot of things at the time. And I really don’t know why he chose now to say something kind of flattering about her. For so long he had nothing good to say about her, was never attracted to her, said he hated her etc., which again I thought was just a way of deflecting his responsibility for his actions. I can understand that someone would feel disgusted with themselves during the A but they are getting something out of it no matter how twisted and I think my H really has to own that in order to figure it all out.

I am so mad at myself for letting this hurt me. It just makes me feel all inadequate again. You know how after d-day you start comparing yourself to the OP, are they better looking, better body, smarter, more successful, whatever. I know that money and material things are important to my H. I knew the OP’s family was wealthy. I knew my H spent a ton of money on the OW during the A. I had been a SAHM at the time of the affair. Not earning an income and being dependent was something I felt contributed to my feelings of inadequacy and poor self-esteem, so one of the things I did to improve myself was to go back to work. It wasn’t easy since I have a disabled child and need a flexible schedule. I’m really proud that after more then ten years out of the workforce I started a new career and just got a big promotion and at this point I have an awesome job and am doing far better than I expected, but this new knowledge has just undermined my confidence all over again. I know in my head it really doesn’t matter who or what the OP was, if my H had been committed to fidelity he wouldn’t have had an affair. So why the hell does it still have the power to make me doubt myself.

After a couple of days I am feeling better about it but after eight years I still get blindsided by how much this really has affected me. Thanks for letting me get it out, hopefully I can put it behind me now.

Rosie

This chart below is for you Rosie (and me, and any SAHMs out there). The 'job' I did with my kids was worth a hell of a lot. I know it and they know it. The X didn't seem to know this. Some other people who lack my SAHM experience exacted their judgement upon me also.

Well, after an affair your SAHM efforts can be violently thrown in your face one way or another. Like you Rosie, I was told after d-day regarding married OW, "She's head nurse down at Children's Hospital" which wasn't exactly true but he boasted this as if he were an impressive person to choose such a gal for an affair. Sheesh. We were sitting in a restaurant at the time. I walked out.

They used their work as cover-ups. They used my time spent taking our son to music lessons on Wed evenings as a good opportunity to check into the Super 8.

You bet it can still sting after 8 years. I'm also 8 years from d-day and still whirl at some of the responses I have to listen to from the X.

Yesterday he said on the phone, "All that (affair stuff) was over a long time ago." Like it has vanished off the face of the earth.



ALL IN A WEEK'S WORK
Here are 10 top duties mothers perform, the time they spend on them every week, and the annual salary they could generate.


Job------------------------- Working mothers vs Stay-at-home mothers

Housekeeper-------------------7.2 hours--------- 22.1 hours
Cook--------------------------6.5 ---------------13.6
Day care center teacher-------7.2----------------15.7
Laundry machine operator------4.2-----------------6.7
CEO---------------------------4.6-----------------4.2
Facilities manager------------3.5-----------------5.8
Van driver--------------------2.8-----------------4.2
Psychologist------------------3.5-----------------3.9
Computer operator-------------7.2-----------------9.1
Janitor-----------------------3.1-----------------6.3

Total weekly hours------------49.8----------------91.6
ANNUAL PAYCHECK VALUE------$85,876------------$134,121

Rosie-

Just remember your intrinsic value has nothing to do with your occupation. A truly beautiful woman is one who values and respects herself and others.

And a SAHM is worth more than gold. Yesirree, and that was me too.

<ANNUAL PAYCHECK VALUE------$85,876------------$134,121>

I think I'm due more money!

TLMM

Thank you RW. I do know that being a SAHM is worthwhile and adds value to a family. I understand why I felt inadequate at the time, what I HATE is that even after eight years of working on myself, of going to IC, of trying to address my self-esteem issues and doing so much to improve myself and my outlook, after trying so hard to value myself and my accomplishments, I STILL feel inadequate because this person who should have nothing to do with me or my life managed to have some accomplishment my H values. And I HATE that even though I have decided to divorce him he STILL has the power to hurt me with his words and I STILL get sucked into them. Sheesh.

I understand how you feel ladies.

My ex also had his big A (the last one anyway) with a woman who was his equal at work. He had $$ signs in his eyes and seemed to think that what she did was very valuable even though I stayed home and also took care of a child with a disability. He and I even decided together that my son needed the extra help by me being home.

Charlie

Its odd how all of this works out. My wife has complained many many times that she was not allowed to be a SAHM (not all Hs are wealthy) that if she'd been a SAHM she wouldn't have had an affair.

Rosie, it seems to me from what I've read here, that if you were emotionally invested on a large scale with someone, it will never really end. That person will always be able to push your buttons because you exposed your true complete self to them. I don't think you should beat yourself up because you gave of yourself. Its just one of those things.

Rosie,

There's considerable difference between a new wound and an old one being reopened.

What you are describing sounds a lot like my experience as long as my ex-wife was in my daily life. All the "what's wrong with me" questions used to stick around as long as I was dealing with her on a daily or near-daily basis.

That amounts to an old wound never being able to heal. I think you may find (after you are no longer engaged daily with him) that you will finally feel strong and content in the life of your choosing.

Chris.

Thanks for the support. I feel like I am getting over it now. After all, these problems pale in comparison with the losses so many people have had with the Virginia Tech shootings.

Ripping open an old wound, that's exactly how it feels. And I think part of what hurts is remembering how much it hurt the first time. It's a setback, but a minor one. Thanks again.

Rosie