It's been awhile since I've posted but I'm over 3 months out from my D-Day. I'm clearly going through the stages of grief and they're all bleeding into each other. But here's where I've landed with my thoughts over the past week.
How does one stay in a marriage where their spouses integrity is contingent upon my behavior. Am I asking for too much? I want a husband who has integrity no matter what I do. Am I supposed to carry that load and be a emotionally healthy and available person?
Sure, I added to the dysfuction of our relationship and take full responsibility for it but there are countless married couples out there who are not getting their needs met in marriages who do not go out and sleep with other people.
He had an affair in 2001 because our relationship was in trouble. We got through the explosion that was the affair and never really fixed what was going on with us. Now 6 years later, he's done it again and is horribly remorseful, sad, embarassed and going to therapy.
What the hell am I supposed to do? What the hell am I supposed to think?
First of all he didn't sleep with her. He had sex with her. He may have even enjoyed it at the time. Start saying it to yourself and to him like it really is. "He had sex with her." Go from there.
I'm assuming that your marriage vows were like most folks, and it is reasonable to expect that he be faithful to you no matter what. You were in the same marriage with all the so called "problems" what ever they were. Were you faithful to him? Was for better or worse in those vows? If so, then both of you have a lot to resolve.
I'd have to say the difference this time is that my hope seems to be lost. Last time it was the fear of being left or abandoned This time, I feel like I'm the ones that needs to do the leaving.
What's different with him? I'm not sure. He's horribly remorseful and I believe he sees the hope gone from my eyes and he's at a loss. He knows anything he says will be met with disbelief from me. He knows that my faith is gone. He goes to therapy, apologizes, tells me how much he loves me and tells me he's lost all integrity, says it's his fault and is sorry for blowing up another bomb in our marriage.
Last time the hole was dug 6 feet. This time it feels like it's 50 feet. Attempting to get out seems virtually impossible.
What does one do when at first it was a mistake and has now turned into a pattern?
When I talk about my behavior and contingent I suppose I should be more clear. For the past six years I have been living under this terrible anxiety. To a large extent I probably have put this on myself.
Here's what I really mean. Here's what I want. I want to be married to someone who does not have sex with other women and has integrity REGARDLESS of what my actions or behavior are.
Right now I believe that I'm married to a man who's integrity is contingent on my behavior. Meaning if I give him what he wants, he'll stay faithful. Has he ever said that? Not in so many words but clearly this is what I'm living.
Right now Im' not ready to do anything. I'm still thinking, watching going to therapy and praying for wisdom. Sounds weak and sounds sort of lame but that's all I've got right now.
This message has been edited by emotionalcarnage on Jul 25, 2007 12:31 AM
Sandra, my ex was a repeat offender - and I totally and completely understand what you're saying.
After my ex's first A, I turned myself inside out trying to right all the wrongs that he'd thrown in my face, to justify his cheating. I didn't cook enough, I let dishes pile in the sink for a couple of days before I did them, I didn't want sex enough, blah blah blah. He complained that I was online too much - so I didn't get on the computer at all, until after he went to work. I changed everything he SAID had driven him away in the first place. He did nothing to figure out why he'd cheated - he refused to talk about it and refused counseling. Two years later, he did it again, because he "just wasn't happy" and it was MY fault. I had walked on eggshells for two years thinking that it really WAS my fault he'd cheated. It was a load of crap, putting it mildly.
There is nothing I could do or say (or not do or say) that would have changed his behavior. Every time I let some chore go, I felt that would give him more ammunition to cheat again. After we split, I started IC. My C said that she'd seen beautiful, Barbie-type, Stepford wives in her practice over the years - perfect wives in every way - that had been cheated on. She finally got it through my head that while I might not have been perfect, nothing justified his cheating. He was (and is) morally bankrupt and carried issues from LONG before me: he had never taken the time to figure out why he couldn't be happy in our marriage. He was always on the lookout for the next best thing.
I am encouraged that your H is getting some help, now. Remorse is always good! I hope that his C will help him get to the root of the problem. Once he does, I think you'll feel "off the hook" a little, and you'll realize that your behavior did not cause him to have an A in the first place. What you're doing seems is the only thing you CAN do, right now, it's not weak at all!
Monica
"I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more"
Thanks for the positive words and certainly your own personal experience. It's good to hear from those who have gone through exactly what I'm experiencing. My husbands goal is to get to the root of it all and figure out what allows him to do this. In the meantime, life is just one huge bucket of "suck".
Best case scenario is that he figures out his dysfunction and I'm not left with a list of my own such as the ones you listed about trying to be perfect.
Sandra, that line cracked me up! It sure feels like that somedays, huh?
Are you in counseling, too? As I said, my C did a LOT for helping me see that what happened wasn't based on anything I did. It is a really good sign that your H is trying to get to the root of his problems. It sounds like he's moving in the right direction.
Hang in there! It's not easy and lots of days, it feels like we're not moving forward at all. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Monica
"I have all I've waited for and I could not ask for more"
Perhaps one of the hardest concepts to really accept deep down inside is that as individuals we have no control over another persons actions or choices. This means that there is nothing we could have done or can do to prevent our significant other from having an affair or cheating.
Having an affair takes time, effort, and planning. Having an affair is a series of choices and decisions to break ones commitments and vows to their partner. An affair is not a reflection on the betrayed spouse, it is quite simply lack of character and ethics by the wandering spouse.
It is very typical of a wandering spouse to deflect the blame for the affair to the betrayed spouse. For many of us, accepting that the affair is not our fault is difficult. Accepting that we could not have changed our partner’s decision to cheat by action or word is difficult.
What should be understood by the wandering spouse is the word contingent.
The betrayed spouse should make it clear that:
1. Staying in and rebuilding the relationship is contingent. on the WS agreeing to the NO CONTACT rule.
2. Staying in and rebuilding the relationship is contingent. on the WS being location transparent (to include giving up all passwords to computers and cell phones ect)
3. Staying in and rebuilding the relationship is contingent on the WS making and taking all steps to help the BS heal. (to include counseling, ect)
Does anyone care to add to the list of contingencies??
