Hello all,
I've been lurking on the edges, reading and benefiting from all the sane voices chiming in since my own D-day of April 1st, 2006 (yeah, April Fool's Day - how appropriate). It has been a lifeline for me to get your knowing perspectives.
Several things in my own situation have been touched on in threads a few times, but I wanted to ask pointedly about the issues of "happiness" and depression. I say "happiness" because that's the stereotypical line I got from my WH; that OW made him happy, and that's what he needed & wanted. Foggy? Well, that leads to the issue of depression, with which he was diagnosed 4 months before the A began, 2 months after the A began (by another doctor), and recently by our MC. And yet in the middle of depression he's happy with her?? And now, as we're trying to work through this, he's so depressed again that it takes up much of our counseling time, and he has no interest in sex?? How big a factor IS depression in causing affairs? Lord knows, for us BS it certainly is a result...
Thanks for your feedback.
Zeebs

How big a factor is depression in causing affairs?? A good question and you will probably get several opinions for your answers. In my case, my wife started her last affair (she had one in 1997 and one in 2002) about 20 months after my quad bypass and losing my father. I was on oxygen at his funeral. I got home on the 13th of December, he had a stroke on the 16th, and we lost him on the 23rd.

As the oldest son, and the only son living in the same town much of settling and closing the estate, figuring out her financial situation, dealing with his investments, lawyers, ect fell on my shoulders. I never grieved him until about a year later. On top of that I didn’t recover from the quad bypass the way my doctors told me I would. After about a year, I started sinking into a depression and my way of coping was to withdraw from my wife. The deeper I sank into my own private hell, the less we communicated, made love, or spent time together. I don’t share this to lessen what she did to deal with my withdrawing from her, but simply to set up a condition that precluded the affair.

As a BS, each of us is responsible for our efforts or lack of efforts in dealing with our marriage. Each of us can accept responsibility for our part for problems in a relationship pre-affair. However I never gave a thought to finding someone else to be with, or share my problems with regardless of the depth of my depression.

I honestly don’t think a person who truly accepts responsibility for their actions can blame an affair on depression, or alcohol, or anything else. To me, an affair is a conscious series of choices and decisions to expend the time, energy, and planning that having a full blown emotional and/or physical affair requires. That’s not to infer that a one time one night stand, that is unplanned, is any less destructive to a relationship than a full blown affair.

Any individual that defers blame for their actions and choices to a condition or another person is still living in a fog that conceals reality.

It is possible that drugs used to treat depression can alter ones mood and way of thinking, it is possible that depression can make a person feel unloved and worthless. So in that sense, sure depression could be a contributing factor to a person making poor choices and decisions. Ultimately though, making the choice to have an affair, expending the time, energy, and planning necessary to have an affair I believe speaks more to a person’s character, actually lack of character than anything else.

Just my two cents

Dave

Edited to add:

I guess that the above sounds harsh, but it addresses the issue of the fog, denial, and diverting blame or responsibility. For any person that takes the responsibility to address those issues fully and completely then "lack of character" no longer describes that person. It takes a lot of character to look in the mirror, admit your faults, take steps to correct them, and move forward with recovery.

Hello Zeebs,

There are so many different types of affairs and different levels of depression.

What comes to my mind is self-medicating.

Happiness? Living a relatively happy life takes self awareness and good interpersonal relationships etc. You can't screw your life up and that of others, and live a happy life too.

The OW made him happy? I wouldn't want that job. Self-medicating with other people is a bad idea especially when clinically diagnosed with depression.

RW

Zeebs, it's unlikely that the depression "caused" the affairs.  Over the years, I've seen a number of close relatives fight depression and anxiety and their fight has taken different forms.

Some have self-medicated with alcohol.  Some have self-medicated with evangelical/religious zealotry.  Some have become obsessive-compulsive.  Some regularly export their issues onto their family (i.e. impose unrealistic expectations or burdens on a spouse or children).  Some have chronic feelings of worthlessness and feel powerless to change.

The common thread in all of them is a lack of understanding of limits and boundaries, and I think that's the fundamental cause of many affairs.  It may also be the cause of anxiety and depression. 

One of the things that has helped me to overcome the family tendency is to focus really hard on what's mine and what isn't.  A close family member or spouse is no different than a stranger or acquaintance:  I have no power to make anyone do anything I want them to do.  Oh, I may make my case and ASK, but I have no right to expect that they will do what I want all the time.  This is where limits and boundaries come in; I can't make someone do (or not do) something and what they choose to do is always their choice entirely.

On the other hand, I am fully in control of how I act (and react) and no one else is responsible for my actions and reactions.  Furthermore, I am human and not perfect...so I accept that I will make mistakes in the way I act and react, as will those around me.  But too many mistakes, no matter whether intended or accidental, will affect my relationships with others (and vice versa).  There are a few of those family members I just can't spend time with.

See, sometimes depressed people also depress those around them.  They can pull us into their depression, which is a way of avoiding it themselves and forcing us to deal with it.  So their depression or anxiety becomes our affliction too.

At least one prominent psychologist, Dr. Martin Seligman, believes he has proven clinically Norman Vincent Peale's hypothesis on the power of positive thinking.  It is embodied in cognitive behavioral therapy, which Seligman pioneered.  So it is possible that "happiness" and "depression" are opposites, and that even temporary relief from depression could be described as happiness.  But it's not lasting.  For me, lasting happiness has come from giving up the illusions of controlling others (or of fixing their problems), from pursuing a worthwhile mission in my community, and from maintaining open and honest communication with the people I care deeply about.

It's a long road.  Even if your husband won't get on it, you can.  Poets and singers and pop psychologists long have asserted "change your mind...change your life".  Here's one fairly concrete suggestion:

www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu/positivepsychotherapyarticle.pdf

Of course, your mileage may vary.

Chris.

I think one tends to focus too much on "happiness". If you cannot be happy with yourself and like who you are, can one be truly happy? I think not. My IC told me that A's begin in the mind first. First there is a justification that takes place in the WS's mind as to why they are unhappy. That is how they are able to cross boundaries. Their feelings and issues are their justification. It is the escape into a fantasy world. The OP could be anyone and is no one special, just the drug of choice. The OP is just someone willing to go down the same self-destructive path. So it was not the OW that made him "happy" it was the escape from reality...from pain. As others have said "self-medication". Unfortuntely one cannot escape the real world and all fantasies come crashing down eventually, causing further depression and pain. Unfortunately when the fantasy world comes crashing down it takes many innocent peopel with it. Please do not give the OW more credit than she deserves or more power than she should have regarding your H's happiness. Happiness comes from within, not through another person, or at anyone elses expense....not true happiness anyway. There are false ways to find happiness, which are basically a "temproary fix" such as an A. You must dig deep inside and become the person you want and need to be for yourself. That is true happiness...being content with who you are and your choices in life.

Regarding depression...drugs, alcohol, and A's are all known to further cause depression once the high wears off, which is why they continue to go back and repat the behavior...to get that high to feel good. It is an addictive cycle. Once someone is caught up in the addictive cycle it is very hard to break. The addict will become quit depressed when separated from the drug. This is normal and to be expected. However, depression is no excuse to seek out forms of self medication and temporary fixes. I have had bouts of depression throughout my life, as have most people when trauma has occured, but never did I use it as a justification to cross a boundary in my marraige, nor do most. There are deeper issues involved when someone crosses the line and breaks their vows. The thing to remember is that it is not about the BS...it is about the WS and the choices they make. I think that is part of the key to understanding how A's happen and to go against the sterotype that the marriage was lacking. It is more the WS is lacking something in them that allows them to go outside of the marriage...something broken and in need of fixing...instead of looking within to fix themselves, they look to external sources. That of course never works in the long wrong, which is why in most cases counseling is so very helpful in our persuit to become healthy and happy. Counseling (IC/MC) helps us to focus on us...to look within us for answers...to do that deep down soul searching....to fix ourselves. It challenges us to be who we are or become who we want to be....to be content and have inner focus. It is not the end all be all....you only get out what you put in. So one has to make that choice and commit to it for it to work. Many lack the motivation needed because it is a lot of work and it is painful...but you are worth it.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha