UpdateApril 8 2009 at 6:11 AM
|Jay (Login JayR1)|
It has been a long road, but I see the future. We have separated. The past three years post D-Day started out promising with a bout of hysterical bonding but have slowly devolved into a grind.
I can point to many reasons, but essentially we couldn't lay the roadwork to rebuild the foundation of our marriage. I tried to reach out to her to explain what I needed from the marriage, but IMHO the desire wasn't there from her to come to my side. In short, although initially motivated by fear and guilt, in the log run, she just didn't like me very much.
It took me time to give up the marriage, and I had to do it in stages. I am finally here.
I have not brought up her A to her for a couple of years. She was too vulnerable there, and I decided it was a burden I alone would carry. But during the course of our breakup, she broached the subject, asking me not to let the kids know (I won't).
She told me it was motivated by being around the wrong (former, to her credit) friends, a desire to cut loose, and the fact that I had f##cked her over, so she was just getting back at me.
This is not the movie I remember living through. I remember frantically chasing after her during this period of time, being with her friends almost every weekend (who I didn't love), throwing her a surprise party, standing up in front of her friends and professing my love for her (being interupted by them by telling me to truncate my thoughts).
This comment by her affirmed my feelings that the marriage is truly over. It is a window to her feelings of rage, and even though she has softened the everyday anger toward me, it beats firmly within her great breast(s).
Interestingly enough, the past two weeks we have really communicated openly and honestly. I felt genuinely close to her. I still look at her and see an incredibly beautiful woman. I was stirred to go for some passionate break-up sex, but that was an unshared desire. We are rarely on the same page, and this is just the latest disappointment.
I am looking forward to getting my own place and meeting some new people, and finding someone or someones to have some laughs with. the kids took it relatively well, both commenting that they were not surprised, and wanted to see us both happy.