In some ways this has been much more painful than post D-day . I mean after D-ay the emotions were on high alert. The shock was numbing at first. I felt as though I had no flesh, that I was transparent and had disappeared. Jumping from a two story building seemed like an option since I was numb, heck I wouldn't feel a thing.
Then the anger and rage burned my insides to ashes- Mt. St. Marie.
But this experience of separation is freaking bizarre. We haven't done anything legal. If I bring up counseling or therapy, he gets upset and says it won't work. If I bring up divorce, my H gets upset and wont' discuss the future. It's like we are water and oil in the same container but separate.
When I was in Ca. for a week, he bought a new bed and sheets for me. He put the bed together and even MADE the bed. He also put up a tree and decorated it. For my Christmas present, he found my college diploma that had been in a cardboard folder, and had it matted and framed. We spent Christmas here at my place and had a wonderful dinner and a jolly good time with the boys.
Maybe I shouldn't make anything out of this, maybe he was just being helpful. But when I stopped and picked up some groceries at the store, and bought some for him also, he told me " I 'm quite capable of doing my own shopping." No joke, and I can make my own bed.
I'm living in a suspended animation horror movie, filled with grief. I don't like it.
I feel like I am just waiting around for him to make a decision. I need some ovaries, as opposed to cajones.
Tomorrow night I am FORCING myself to go out and DANCE.
TLMM
This message has been edited by taigalucy on Dec 30, 2004 4:53 PM
Yes, MM, it's bizarro world. I was in suspended animation from January through April while my ex tried to make up her mind what she wanted. (Something, incidentally, I had been asking her to do for three years.)
At least you're nice to each other.
What would happen if you consciously tried to "let go"? (Perhaps Kat will repost her "Letting Go" post.)
I'm trying to let go. But what do I let go of? Expectations? That is the easy part.
l
Letting go of my desire to share my love with him, is the WORK. I guess I have to redirect my thoughts and feelings to love myself more.
It's just so damn difficult, 'cause we want to show and share love with another. I think that is human nature.
I don't guess the issue is letting go of loving him, though, is it? It's letting go of the need for him to love back, right? That's the hard part to let go of.
Hi Marie; Yes it is uncomfortable and bazaar in the beginning. It's like after D-day, the more time we have behind us the more acceptance we can gain.
I think he is doing things out of guilt. At least that is what my ex did in the beginning. I think its great that you are going out dancing. Love yourself, fill yourself with all the needs that Marie has right now! We may always have love for them, but we need to accept that our lives are not dependant on having thier love returned to us. So very sad, but true.
Be good to and for youself. 2005 will be a wonderful growing year for you, and all of us here.
re Chris's "It's letting go of the need for him to love back, right?"
Yes. This is so hard. Letting go in this way most always takes longer that we think it will or wanted it to. And it takes a long time to train your heart to redirect that emotional energy.
Take a deep breath and breathe. You are at a time in your life where a learning curve is happening. It is like stepping on a sailboat the first time. Until you get your sea legs, it is best to sit in the cockpit and learn. You have to figure out which rope controls which sail, which way to move the tiller so you don't end up with flopping sails or end up in the water, capsized. You need to learn how to read the wind. Eventually it all becomes instinctual, but for now, it really isn't. Take it slow and easy and remember to breathe.
jbean
ps Teach the kids how to give back rubs until someone better comes along.
Your entire post is so right on. I've never sailed a boat, but I think it would be challenging and one would have to pay attention. Lot's of adjustments. But, when the sails are full and the wind just right you could cruise and enjoy the beauty. Great metaphor on life.
<ps Teach the kids how to give back rubs until someone better comes along.
Son #2, does a great job on the shoulders. He's been practicing massage for about 2 yrs. I mean, what better ruse to win the girls over.
Alright, Marie, you were in the not-so-great state of CA and didn't let us know? May your husky shed twice as much this Spring!!! (That's an ancient Inuit curse, BTW, LOL)
Hang tough - the first few months after I moved out, I had a second rollercoaster ride, like just after d-day. Somedays I was OK, somedays I was very not OK. Eventually, you get to the end of the ride.
However, it's kind of creepy what HINO is doing. The bed????? SHUUUDDDDEEERRRR. I don't know about you, but when my Ex pulls the nicey-nice stuff, I just brace myself for what comes next. It usually means he has a not-so-nice surprise waiting for me. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Current Topic - It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that I moved out