You wrote this >>So now, I'm free. And quite frankly, I'm in no way ready or willing to even THINK about another relationship. I've just now gotten my kids adjusted to the routine of just 'us'. I've just now gotten to the point where I don't cry anymore. I don't dwell on it. But the idea of possibly being conned AGAIN is almost more than I can bear. I want companionship- but at what price? Most of us here 'thought' we had a loving faithful partner. So how do you know the next one will be any better?
The only 'scar' from this that I detest is the cynical way I look at relationships now. But I suppose time will heal that as well.<<
I was in a very similar place a little less than a year ago. My wife moved out 1/10/04, and I (stupidly) thought there was some hope of working things out. For six weeks I maintained a positive approach, went out on a date for Valentines Day...and realized at the end of the evening what a dunce I was to try anymore.
I spent the next eight weeks as you wrote above: angry and cynical, while feeling "played" because she wouldn't flat-out say she wanted to end the marriage.
Even after she decided to go down the divorce path, I couldn't think about reopening my heart.
All it took was me waking up to the niceness that was around me, that had been missing from my life. Gradually over the past months I've deepened a friendship; I surprised myself by feeling some stuff I hadn't felt in a very long time. I am have a happy attitude again (even though my life situation still sucks), and I feel some loving feelings for someone.
I didn't let my heart crust over with "protective" bad feelings. Like you, I don't focus on my ex...either anger for what she has done or not done, or blame for "ruining" my life. I wish her well, and try to minimize contact because it's impossible to have no contact when we share custody of our kids and have friends. (There was a school scheduling issue yesterday, and I actually called her twice in the space of an hour; I can't remember doing that before. Ever.)
I guess what you're saying sounds familiar and okay to me, Tracie. "Everyone" told me over the past year I'd be looking for love soon, and I said "no way". I was wrong, and I'm glad. Living in a bad relationship dulled my heart to the point where I couldn't really recognize "nice" and "kind" and "loving" feelings. Being separated returned those things to my life.
I appreciate that.....I'm sure that at some point, I'll mellow from those feelings. For a long time, stupidly, I thought he'd 'see the light'- but alas, he didn't, and won't.
I'm not even 'out there' to meet anyone else. I've never been one to 'go out' much or throw myself in the fire, so to speak, when it comes to meeting new people. With him, we were long time "friends" and so we knew each other, and the timing was right to get together- you know, they say that when you aren't looking is when you find something- hell, I thought that was the case when I got with him initially.
With my kids being the ages they are, I can't imagine having them in a situation again where they get 'attached' and then hurt again.
That was the one thing I could never get the ex to realize- he didn't just hurt ME, he hurt my kids too.
Being that the OW has no children (yet...don't know how I'll react if I hear she's pregnant), he doesn't have to worry about hurting anymore children I suppose.
I do know that in the event the opportunity presented itself again for another relationship- I'll be much more cautious, keep my eyes open, and cut the cords if I see behaivor I deem foul or unhealthy before getting too attached.
Thanks again- for at least validating what I said.
I didn't have to look at all; I just had to open my eyes to someone already in my life. I already knew her, Tracie; I didn't put myself "out there" or go looking either.
