Well, tonight is the night that STBXH comes to pick up my first set of papers towards our impending divorce. I had to fill out all kinds of financial affidavits and such.

Really, I wasn't overly emotional about the whole thing until I called the mortgage company to get the pay off value. She said, "Are you looking to refi with us or another company?" I said, "Neither... exactly... we're divorcing and I need it for the papers." She got quiet and said, "Ok, I'll get them right in the mail to you."

He has COMPLETELY been dragging his feet about the whole thing. I had to prod him to see the attorney (he's paying for it, a friend of my MIL's is doing it at a VERY cut rate). When I asked him what the hold up was, he said, "You flip flop so much, some days you want it, some days you don't." I said, "You're a crackhead! I've not said ONE TIME since about 2 weeks after you left that I didn't want it. I need it. I need you to do this for me. I need closure so I can move on." He looked stunned and said, "ok." My therapist (who is WUNDERBAR, by the way) said, "He doesn't want to be married to you and answer to you, but he doesn't want a divorce either! He doesn't want to close that door." I said, "Well, that's tough. He nailed the door SHUT with his last indiscretion."

There's nothing - absolutely nothing - he could say or do to make me change my mind... but I can't stand the thought of finalizing the death of my marriage. I keep telling myself, and I truly believe this: it's for the best. My marriage is dead anyway, I've just replaced my dead marriage with something I've projected onto it. It wasn't that great! I should be THANKFUL that I don't have to wonder anymore if today's the day he'll come home and tell me he's met someone new.

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Monica,

I may be completly off base here:

I read a lot of ambivalence... do you need justification? are you "doing" this for your Self?





And as you walk you make your path Kat

re: "...I can't stand the thought of finalizing the death of my marriage. ... My marriage is dead anyway,..."

perhaps you could just think of the divorce as the funeral and burial, you know?

Jean

Kat - You sound like my wunderbar therapist In the beginning, I dug my heels in and refused to even entertain the thought of a divorce. The more I did that, the more hateful I was to him and the more he pulled away. Thanksgiving was the real turning point for me. He couldn't understand why I was so upset that day (he'd been gone about 6-7 weeks then, our first holiday apart, etc.) and was a BASTARD on the phone that night. Something in me died that day. Maybe it didn't die, but whatever it was was walled up to protect itself from him. I've felt totally different about our future since then: I know that it can't be together. I know it's over... I know it's for the best... I know I'll be ok... but it's still hard to let go for good.

Jean - You're a sweetie. I read on the other site about all the crapola you've been through and I realize that I've been relatively lucky the past few years. Well, as lucky as someone can be who has been cheated on more times than they can count... Seriously, I look around and see all the situations that are FAR worse than mine. I am keeping my car, my house, and nearly everthing in it. There are no kids to fight for custody over. There's no HEEYUGE estate to split down the middle... There are no sick parents. There's just me - a flawed individual who valued her vows and him - a serial cheater who will never take ownership of all he's done.

I made a list of pros and cons to us divorcing the other day. I had 57 pros and 12 cons. How sad is that? And one of the cons was, "I don't have to go to get groceries by myself." That's a reason to stay married?!

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Monica

" he said, "You flip flop so much, some days you want it, some days you don't." I said, "You're a crackhead! I've not said ONE TIME since about 2 weeks after you left that I didn't want it"

I love it!  Your comment I mean.  It reminds me of something a marriage counselor said to me when she was telling me to stop falling for his pitiful complaining about ridiculous stuff.  She said to me "Charlie just say (and I will scratch part of this one out LOL) F*** You to dingbat (LOL) next time instead of arguing to him".  She said that right in front of my H and he wasn't real happy about it but I thought it was and did actually use it a few times when he started complaining over stupid stuff to try to manipulate me.  She was right, it did throw him off and he had no one to argue with :>)

I think your remark probably caught him off guard and sometimes that is what these crazy making people need to get their heads out of their asses!  :>)

Charlie