Today, as I'm snowed in, I started cleaning out my closet. And encountered all my old letters. Read some that my dad sent me in college and it made me cry. He wrote the nicest letters. Beautiful handwriting. I've watched him write a letter to someone else, and he always took the utmost care, and had a dictionary beside him to check his spelling. In one letter he talked about staying home from work to run the household because my mom was sick. (His father-in-law, my grandpa, lived with us and needed 24-hour care). He loved my mom so much. I broke down and asked my dad why I can't find a man who won't leave me -- why can't I have a man like him? Why did I marry the man I did?
Then, of course, I saw some letters from my ex. Back when he loved me. So strange. I feel like I've really screwed up my life and started feeling that if I were only "good enough," that my former husband would have come home. Now I know that's irrational. But at the same time, I know I have my faults, and I was sick so much with both of my pregnancies and postpartums that it seems that most of my marriage I wasn't productive.
Maybe I've just got cabin fever. I hate seeing the ex. I hate that he came early to get the children yesterday, they weren't ready, so he offered to shovel my walk while he waited for them. I hated that he did that, and I hate it that I offered him a piece of pizza before he went out to shovel. I'd rather just have him pick up the kids and leave and -- let's be civil to each other...but don't be nice....don't do me any favors.