I recalled something I did over a year ago and it reminded me of how far I've come since then--with anger and disengaging from those difficult years.

Last winter was another round of rage doing the tango with mega-stress. It was 5 years post d-day.

Things had continued to deteriorate with his drinking, and physical abuse. I was struggling with depression and couldn't accept my life as it was with him after d-day. Anyway, I had moved out the spring before, the house wouldn't sell, he wouldn't leave the house, and then in October I discovered the 'old' affair partner had been resurrected from the dead months prior (years?). It made the whole 4 or 5 year reconcilation a very large joke in my eyes.


So, I was in this awkward postion of going to the house frequently to pack things, and clean for real estate showings.

I found stuff, of course.

It didn't so much matter that he was with someone else. If it had been another person--who cares. However, it was the same damn person we'd spent those years trying to throw out. He called her 'the cow'. I certainly didn't want her in my house....ever. But of course she had mowed the door down in 1999. Obviously, he never really shut it or repaired it again.

One day while cleaning the master bathroom I found (because I looked) some KY gel inside his shaving bag left over from one of their rendezvous. I squeezed the little bottle into the bottom of the shaving bag until it was empty and then left it lying open in there.

I have no guilt about doing this little deed, however, I know that it wouldn't happen again that way now. I've learned much more about my triggers over the last couple years. It was really critical for me to STOP engaging with him, and with them in every way possible. What I needed to do was to walk away, turn away, and reconfigure my mind to stop looking back at that nightmare so frequently. The ways that I looked back had to be changed. There were power plugs to pull. I had gained incredibly painful information about them over the course of those winter months, and it has actually turned out to be advantageous. I completely lost respect for him, her, and then for them as a couple. "He" became "them" and then "they" drained out of my life like their KY gel in the bottom of his travel bag.

It's such a relief to be free of those emotional hooks that made me continue to engage. I wouldn't bother looking in that shaving bag again if it was sitting right in front of me, let alone empty the KY gel into it.

Yes. It feels better now.

Such a simple truth.

Yet we don't recognize it until we get there.

Kat called it "cutting the puppet strings". All of a sudden I looked back one day and did not care, did not want to care. The opposite of love: indifference. How many times did I read that before I learned it?

"Not caring" seems so much like "giving up". But, "not caring" is the product of "letting go", not of giving up.

How many times did I read Kat's piece on "Letting Go" before it really MEANT something to me?

How many times did I read (AND WRITE, for heaven's sake) "Focus on (your name here)"? That MEANS something. It means "don't check the cellphone log." "Leave the envelope in the briefcase." "Don't look in the file folder on the car seat."

How many times did I think to myself "love is the answer" before I looked in my own heart to find the love that was always there?

Sheesh. Love IS the answer. Just be careful who you give it to.

Chris.

"simple truth"

The whole situation becomes like an oxymoron--the highly complicated process of finding the simple truth.

Sometimes you have to do things and experiment with things not really knowing the outcome. Will it help? Will it make it worse?

I guess one nice thing about the 'simple' truth is that it will prevail.

>>I wouldn't bother looking in that shaving bag again if it was sitting right in front of me, let alone empty the KY gel into it<<

Now I'd be tempted to empty a coupla tubes of super glue in there without looking. (Remember - each of us progresses at our own speed).

I was thinking of adding something to the KY gel tube, say maybe some food coloring of your choice. Deep heating rub would be totally out of the question. Of course finger prints would have to be removed from the tube.

("Remember - each of us progresses at our own speed"). To quote a famous person.

RW-

Boy I could have had fun finding a bottle of KY gel in H's travel bag. I could see myself wagging the tube in his face saying, "so she's a dried up old prune, is she?"

Agghh, I wish I could go back and do things differently. I think I would be doing much better if I would have confronted her. Agghh!

TLMM

When I first read this story, my immediate thought was, "Empty the tube, refill with toothpaste".

I'm not NEARLY as sick as some you!!

RW, what you said makes perfect sense. At first, ALL I wanted was revenge. What stopped me from going after OM was the knowledge that I'd end up in prison.

As time passed, and we both began to realize what a predator OM is/was, those feelings went away, replaced with feelings of... nothing.

Sometimes, sometimes, I shake my head and wonder how I was duped so badly.... I'm also confident that it will never happen again. Never twice is a personal motto with me. Back when I played volleyball, if I mis-played a serve, I would walk to the net, look the server in the eye and say, "Serve me again". If/when he was dumb enough to do it, I'd play it up perfectly while saying, "Never twice!"

I'm also VERY careful when I throw a side kick to not raise my arm up that's on the same side as my kicking leg. Having a rib seperate from your sternum will teach you that lesson quickly...

Constantly learning from my mistakes,
Cory

"When trouble is solved before it forms,who calls that clever? When there is victory without battle, who talks about bravery? - The Art Of War

I have a very hi level of privacy - mine and others'.

It torn me up when I went snooping around. I found the blue print - in a letter that she wrote... a letter he kept for a while. There it was ... black and white, with dates and places...the entire specific time line of the affair... It was a letter full of recriminations... you know... when we were at XYZ you said that you would.... and you never did.... etc.. etc...

I did not need to ask, I had it in front of me. I should have made a copy of this letter, did not. Later on looked for it it was gone. My H had spend a few hours, days in communion with our shredder lol... so I suppose in shreds the letter went... Just for the hell of it, one day I asked him something which had been mentioned in that leter. His answer was 'right' by the content of the letter.

I would not look in his papers and he does not look in mine, and what ever mail is addressed to him is his. If he is out of town and a piece of mail appears important I will let him know and ask if he would like me to open it.

It may not be for everybody... it works for me.

My snooping was and still is bothering me but out of the pen's babe I did get all the info and more.... what else did I need????



And as you walk you make your path Kat

Kat,
I think that the way you found might be wise in a marriage. Give him release from his mistake, and freedom to make his own future choices (hopefully no more affairs). Then give yourself freedom to respond accordingly as you see fit.

I learned that policing in a marriage is no good for anybody. It's very unfortunate if you are put into a position of having to stay on guard due to continued dishonesty.

With a pending nasty divorce from a pathological liar and alcoholic, plus a bold OW who meddled into my/our finances and other personal business with amazing disregard for boundaries, it was a good thing that I made the discoveries I did.

I have been systematically shutting off the windows of my personal life to her and to him.

That's the way it went for me.

"I learned that policing in a marriage is no good for anybody. It's very unfortunate if you are put into a position of having to stay on guard due to continued dishonesty."

At 2 1/2 years after, if I had to worry about keeping track of FWW, I'd be out of here. But then, she does not give me a reason to suspect anything either. She is very transparent, thank goodness.

The thing I find somewhat funny about "letting go" is that I let go a while back maybe partly during our marriage because I was putting up with a porn addiciton and tons of lies, but I let go even more after I caught him in his A and especially the few months following our decision to D.  I think for me I let up much earlier because this process started during our marriage.  I sometimes felt repulsed by his actions.

What I find interesting now is that he is the one who is in the process of "letting go" or "indifference" as Chris puts it.  He is the one who is showing a pinch of jealousy over my new BF and he is the one who now seems a bit hurt over our pending D and the fact that he is home alone now.  He made a comment yesterday that he was happy to have our family cat (the one that is still alive) because it keeps him from being lonely.  I think that cat was more "his" anyway so I asked him to take him to his house.  I do miss the cat though and believe it or not at this point I am glad he has some company.  I don't care that he is dating 3 or 20 women, I don't care at all but I would say that I do wish him well and hope he finds a NICE gal so my children will like her too.  I only have empathy left for him.

Charlie :>)

 

 

>>I don't care that he is dating 3 or 20 women, I don't care at all but I would say that I do wish him well and hope he finds a NICE gal so my children will like her too. I only have empathy left for him.<<

I feel the same way, most of the time, Charlie. I'm sorry that I didn't do a better job at marriage. I put alot of effort into work and kids but didn't put the focus on "marriage" the way that I should have. I'm sorry about my ex's addiction. I'm sorry that I didn't understand the impact that our drinking was having on us and I'm sorry that I didn't do much about it sooner. I know that her drinking is her responsiblity and it's hers to own but she had some help getting there. Her childhood was pretty miserable. Two alcoholic parents and two brothers who were or are addicts certainly haven't helped.

She has been sober six months now but she still has a tough row to hoe. It's sad because I get the sense that she doesn't want this marriage to end (for me it won't be over over until I have a signed custody and property settlement) but I also get the sense that she still doesn't really "get it". I haven't seen her or talked to her much during the past year but when I have, she was all about the two of us having equal responsiblity for what has happened to us and our family. I'm okay with that. I don't really care who's responsible any more. I'm certainly not going to argue about it.

I hope that she finds a decent guy who will be good to her and who will "make her happy" (and more importantly) a guy who will be half decent around my kids. I hope some day we can have a civil conversation but I haven't seen much sign of that yet. Until then, I want her to stay away from me.

RW-


Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.

Is Nora the same one who put hard boiled eggs inside all the curtain rods?