OK, since no one can see me I think I have gotten up enough nerve to ask a very personal question.

I have been having a really hard time with everything that has happened but I have a problem that puts a different spin on things for me. My STBX deliberately gave me herpies. He laughed about it and said he did it so that no other man would ever want to be with me.

I am so scared of the whole thing. I haven't dated in 13 years. At what point of getting to know someone do I need to disclose this information. I mean it's embarrassing and humiliating for me, but I don't want to start liking someone just to watch the horror cross their eyes. Obviously I would have to say something before any sexual interaction, but it is such a weight on my mind, I'm afraid I would deliberately discourage any kind of relationship just so I wouldn't have to disclose this. How do people handle things like this?

If you were dating someone, at what point would you want it to be disclosed? Would you run? Just want to be friends?

I don't think I could handle the rejection but I'm only 41 and I really don't want to be alone the rest of my life.

This is really doing a number on my self esteem. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thanks for being brave enough to broach this subject. That you care enough to even ask others is a sign of a good heart to me.

Here's my "general" answer. I think a lot depends on your attitude toward getting sexual with someone new. If your intent is to have a sexual relationship, I think you have an obligation to tell at some point close to (and before) getting physical.

If your intent is that you will not be sexual with anyone until you remarry, then I think you have to play it by ear. I certainly think it would be inappropriate to accept a marriage proposal without telling and discussing it.

Here's my "personal" answer. It's not something I've thought about much, yet. If I wanted a physical relationship with someone who then told me about having an STD, I think I'd want some time and information first before deciding whether to proceed. I'd mostly want to learn the safest way to go forward.

Personally, I think just playing it straight is best...I'm from the "you can't change it, so deal with it" school. Not everyone is, but that's my personal take.

Ms. B, we all have baggage about sexual involvement and dating again. (21 years for me.) For those of us who have kids living with us, that's an issue too. I'm sorry you have to face this angle. I hope I haven't made things worse for you with my take on things.

Chris.

This is one of the saddest posts I have read in a long while. (((Ms. B.))) However, this kind of behavior will haunt him for a long long while---> he is in fact infected himself, and I hope for his sake and others he will be straight forward about it...

After a long spell (almost 10 years) of not dating, one of my best 'buddies' unfortunatly got infected by a boyfriend who did not disclose.... A few months later she met the one who would become the last love of her life and asked me the very same question. My suggestion was to disclose if and when she was interested in persuing the relationship further, to choose a neutral time and place. It was not her fault... shit happens - she did open up to her 'friend' and was not rejected. Matter of fact they got married last year . Altho her heart was about to burst out of her chest, she felt she needed to share what she had contracted and how.

The moral of the story is, Ms. B. it is around more and more. However I would suggest you get educated on this subject and to talk to your medical provider. Altho there is no 'cure' for herpies at this time there are ways to control its reocurrence.


And as you walk you make your path Kat

I think there are a lot more people that have herpies than most realize. It is very common. It can be controlled for the most part. I think telling a would be sexual partner is a must but you can be well armed with information about the STD that will help break the news to him. Go on the net, if you haven't already, and find out as much as possible about it--------especially how it will affect a male partner. As I understand it, even though one is infected, herpies can lay dormant for years and years and in many cases never flare up. That's how it gets passed around so much. Many people just don't realize that they have it. Simple cold sores around the mouth is herpies. How often do you see folks with cold sores?

Find out all you can. Information is power. Power that you can use to control it rather than it controling your life.

Unfortunately, he is not disclosing that information to his partners. I hate to say it but I think he actually will use it to do the same to other women, they will either stay with him like I did, or sadly be alone. I did go to his aunt and let her know and asked her to please make sure the women he saw were told. But they probably will not be.

I met a guy, we went out on a couple of dates, and talked for days and hours at a time. We really clicked, when he asked me if he could kiss me, I told him we had to talk. I was totally up front with him, I didn't want to get emotionally involved any further because I didn't think it was fair to him or me. The guy seemed ok about it but he left and now we don't even talk. I am just sick over it. I don't want casual sex, I want a partner to grow old with, but to have to go through that humiliation again and again or worse fall in love with someone to have to tell them and then be rejected...
I just don't know what to do except be alone the rest of my life. I know that my stbx is counting on me just being here waiting for him to fall back on when this current fling is over. I just feel trapped. And just so damned dirty.

Well i guess I speak from a somewhat experienced perspective in that I too got a special Christmas gift from my H 2 years ago! He completely denied that it came from her of course.

First of all you should probably know this but there are two different types of herpes. One just causes cold sores on the mouth (generally) and one is the more serious genital herpes kind. The first one is the more common apparently. Which type you have may affect how and when you tell somebody.

I guess you could say i was lucky enough to have the type 1 (cold sores) kind. However i got it genitally if that makes any sense. I had one initial outbreak that was real real bad and another a few months later due to such high stress.........knock on wood but its been over a year since I had one! Maybe just maybe somebody above is watching out for me.

So talk to your doctor or health clinic and learn everything you can so that when you have to broach the subject you are well informed. In fact I would almost recommend getting some pamphlets so that should you need to discuss this with a potential sexual partner that you have some information for him to read at his leisure that is factual. I did some research on the internet that freaked me out! It wasn't factual at all....

So now you have to tell somebody....UGH the hard part. I have been in the situation since my spouse left too. I waited until we were at my house watching a movie and the topic of sex was brought up. I explained that my exH had an affair that I was completely oblivious too and that I had contracted a sexually transmitted disease from it. I let him ask me what disease and ask me any questions he wanted to. I was actually surprised and relieved at the same time as his only comment was something about thanking me for telling him and if we were to have sex we would make sure it is safe. I told him that i hadn't had an outbreak in a very long time and that if I did I would let him know before sex was initiated.

I am sure you are aware but even if you don't have an outbreak you can still be contagious. Its called Predomme or something like that.......sorry can't remember off the top of my head.

The good news is that he took it well. Not so sure every guy will but at least they know that you are honest. To me that means alot. There are ways to reduce risk using condoms.......not having oral sex, only having it when your not in an outbreak or by using different tools such as saran wrap (i know don't laugh its true). They technically tell you to use an oral dam but that just don't sound very romantic!! Saran Wrap on the other hand can get interesting

Mrs. B I know this is tough to deal with. I nearly went insane when I found out the tests were positive. I thought my sex life was over and that I was "labelled" for life. Plus i wanted kids and there are some issues with having kids if you happen to be in Outbreak.

There are certain things that trigger outbreaks as im sure you know (sun, stress, etc). So once you get rid of the stress (ex) you may find yourself feeling a whole lot better.

BTW I have an open ended prescription for Valtrex that my doctor gave me so that if i should ever need its at the pharmacy without waiting to get in and see her. UGH its the hardest thing to tell somebody when your filling out forms and stuff too......its embarassing somehow even though we know it WASN"T US.....Anyway Valtrex works great and can stop an outbreak pretty quick. For a while i was having some bladder infections and i kept taking it thinking it was a new outbreak coming on....I was almost paranoid.

Look on the bright side.......this may weed out some would be suitors that have no empathy and aren't in love with what is inside you!


We are going to get through this Mrs. B. Hugs.

Kid





p.s. if you want to discuss anything with me you are welcome to email me at khks@shaw.ca.........definitely don't know it all but we are in the same boat so maybe I can offer my two cents!

I just read the other post............there is nothing to feel dirty about. H2C is right....I bet if you looked around you and knew what people were thinking you would discover there is a huge percentage of the population dealing with this issue.

Im sorry you felt rejected. Perhaps as somebody is about to kiss you isn't the best time to spring such a deep issue. I wish i knew what a better time was though

Just another side note.....my sister knows about the STD and I am now prohibited from kissing her children because of the risk of infection! She also throws javex in the dishwasher at my parents whenever I use utensils. When my dad was in the hospital with cancer she told me that I could not kiss him and I said I will be damned if I will not kiss my own dad. I just kissed him on the cheek!

To me that is going a little overboard. Of course I won't kiss them if I even suspect an outbreak....but just some of the things we now have to learn to accept.

thank you so much kid, you don't know how much it means to me that you were open about this with me. People don't tend to talk about this very much. I have the valtrex, I never would have thought of the saran wrap though. I only have an outbreak once a year, but I do know that it can be passed on even without an outbreak. It's just such a huge stigma ya know? And just knowing that there are people out there like my stxh just spreading it around without a care in the world, it just adds insult to injury.

thank you for comming forward with me on this, I don't feel quite so alone.

B

your welcome Mrs. B

I am sure we aren't alone. Your right there is a stigma. I felt like a sleeze for a long while. My therapist helped alot!

i just wanted to say how impressed i was with the honesty and integrity you both expressed in your questions, comments and responses to each other.

you are both legends!

i have a friend who has HEP C and some friends were the same way with her, but still share a cup with her, still kiss her on the lips (not passionately), i dont avoid her lips etc.

i figure is she has been sleeping with her hubby for 10 years with it, he hasnt got it then there aint much chance of me getting it from a kiss or dishes!!!

hugs to you both
kath

I'm so sorry you two have to deal with this.  Certainly changes the dynamics of future relationships.  Your honesty is refreshing.

Charlie