Hello folks, arriving here from another place. I am lost and very sad, feeling very much alone. A kind soul reached out to me and told me I would be welcome here. I hope so. I don't feel very welcome in my own home right now so to be welcome anywhere would be good.
I wrote this post a few days ago and it still very much represents how I feel and where I am right now. The tears are welling up all the time I feel so used up and useless. I never wanted any of this to happen but it has and I just don't know how to stop the hurt. I hate feeling this way. I look at my H and see the way he behaves like it is all so normal that he has made his decision and that it is all ok. I hear the things he says and I am full of fear, who is this person? In three week he has gone from saying I love you work with me to there is no future for us together. Has he fallen asleep again or has the man I married died?
Sorry folks if this is a long ramble just the thoughts of a sad and lonely lady who has arrived at a point in her life she never wanted to reach. Having climbed through immeasurable pain, I had hoped to be at a point of happiness and worthwhile fulfilment looking forward and moving forward with my family and my H. Instead I am looking over the edge of a chasm that is so deep and black it threatens to overwhelm. I feel as if I am being drawn down into that pit and I am in danger of drowning in my own fear and misery.
Here it is then. Here I am at this juncture in my life. Letting go. Having to let go. Forced to, because I can't hold on alone. He does not want to hold on; work it out; were not worth the effort. His family it seems are not worth the effort. I am not worth the effort. Why can’t I understand that; its simple enough.

He says he wants to be away, has reached the age in his life where he wants to live alone, be by himself. Oh how good of him to let me know. Pity he could not have told me this all those years ago. No one explained that my contract was only for 16 years. I thought I had signed on for life, my mistake, should have read the small print. It seems he was able to start a new arrangement to ease the ending of the old. If that new arrangement did not work out it did not matter because it had served its purpose. The old was terminated, and after all it was simply not worth that much anyhow.

Only no one explained the terms of the termination to me. I had a contract for life I thought so I looked at my contract, read the print it said ‘for better or worse’. Well, I reasoned, I have had some of the worse there could possibly be, I want no more of that, so I can apply myself to my contract and work on the better. Only it seems once again I misunderstood. I only get to have the ‘better’ bit if he chooses to honour the contract. Oh come on Jean, get real, before I signed on the dotted line I should have understood I was signing on only to give away my youth, and only for as long as he wanted to work it. How could you not understand the rules he says? They really are simple enough.

So he gets to walk away. Why? Because he wants to. He gets the choice, stay or go. I get none but to let him go. Even though I don’t want to. He gets his peace and his time and space. I get the kid’s tears and questions, sleepless nights, illness and school runs, troubled sleep, work and empty arms. He kisses the kids, pats the dog, and looks through me. His partner of all these years, the one he has disrespected, hurt and now treats with open hostility. Am I the mirror to his soul? He looks at me and he sees the damage he has done reflected back? A broken family, a broken woman, a very broken man? His selfishness has brought us here; it is simply his selfishness that keeps us here still.

He says he is going; he torments us all with the idea and the words, but no actions. Son is bitter he has not gone. Daughter is sick he is still here. I am torn in three. I know I have to move, take the action, bring it down. He won’t take the step he tortures us with. Why? He wants to go, but he won’t move. He wants to run, but he won’t fight. Not for himself and certainly not for us. What do I want? Good question. I want to stop screaming. I want some peace. I want to feel safe and secure and warm in the arms of someone who loves and respects me. I want someone to hold me who wants to hold me as much as I want to be held. Simple enough.

After all he has done to us. All his poor choices. All the lies and the pain he inflicted we gave him back goodness and hope and love. His father died and we stood tall, side by his side holding him up, helping him stand firm and tall. He repays us with rejection and he runs away. Why do I still not understand? It really is simple enough.
I say to him remember to tell anyone who asks you why, remember to tell them the truth. He says and what is the truth? I say it’s simple enough, you had an affair, your wife and family still love you, stood by you, wanted to forgive you, work it through with you, but you are leaving anyway. That’s it really. It’s simple enough.

I read this post on the other board.

re: "He kisses the kids, pats the dog, and looks through me. His partner of all these years,...." Jean, yes, you spoke of my feelings and experience through this, too. And you put it so eloquently. He's turned the whole marriage and family pardigm on its head, and he wonders why you're reeling?

You, my dear Jean, are the one who is reacting normally to an abnormal situation. This should never be this way. We all know it. That's why when it happens we feel lost and are scrambling to make some sort of sense of it all.

I also stood by my (former) H when his mother died in 2001 and his sister died in 2002. Stood by him. Offered him any comfort he needed. And still wanted to work on the marriage even after his lies and infidelities. And he also "repay[ed] us with rejection and he [ran] away. I didn't have his comfort when my dad died two months ago.

(((Jean))) Life often doesn't make sense.... I'm sorry that you are hurting so. We are here, so vent away.

Jean150

Jean,
With tears rolling down my face I write to say to you, thank you for validation.
I have to hit the shower now, my son is in his opening night at the Theatre Royal, and I need to go put on my family face. I am determined this is the last time I will stand with my H as a family of four. From now onwards, God give me the courage and the strength, we will be a family still but a family of three, maybe four if I count the dog!
Thank you for your response, Jean, it has given me renewed courage. I will go out tonight and I will be - me.
Jean UK

>>I never wanted any of this to happen but it has and I just don't know how to stop the hurt. I hate feeling this way. I look at my H and see the way he behaves like it is all so normal that he has made his decision and that it is all ok. I hear the things he says and I am full of fear, who is this person? In three week he has gone from saying I love you work with me to there is no future for us together. Has he fallen asleep again or has the man I married died?<<

NONE of us wanted the first thing, of course. But we joined the club no one wanted to join anyway.

We ALL wanted to prevent the second. And again, it wasn't our choice and it happened anyway.

I can assure you...EVERYONE HERE hates the feeling you are experiencing. We all know it intimately. Like discovering infidelity, realizing the end of a marriage is something we do alone. We all need understanding support to manage it, though.

Sadly, we cannot stop the hurt except by plunging right on through it and coming out the other side. And this is what I could not say to you "in that other place": just as we ALL went to an internet site after d-day looking for our hope of a positive outcome to be nurtured, we have all come together here to find hope for a positive outcome after divorce. See, I have this sense that some of those who aren't experiencing this have NO clue that it's at least as bad as affair discovery. The fear on d-day becomes this reality.

The End. It's final now. That doesn't mean giving up "hope" in your life, or "hope" for a happy marriage. It means giving up hope for your betrayer, but continuing to hope for better for yourself. THAT is the hope we will nurture here. (It is a hope I think seems like a slap in the face to those still convinced that they can change their betrayer, so I am reluctant to offer it on a forum where "divorce" is seen as something awful...a punishment...that happens to those who don't try hard enough.) Jean, we've ALL tried, and we've all learned: we cannot MAKE our partners do anything.

Perhaps the man you married HAS died to you. Perhaps it is time to grieve your loss as you must. Certainly you will find understanding here.

Thank you for coming. I am sorry you find yourself here, but I KNOW you will not regret sharing your stories with us.

Chris.

Jean

Ditto what Chris and Jean150 said.

I also read your post on the other forum.  I don't post there much or read many posts but I caught yours.  I started typing but just didn't post it.  Glad you came here.  It seems easier to voice stuff about divorce here.

I just wanted to tell you that we do understand what you are going through now and I also understand becoming a family of 3 as well.  I understand feeling scared as hell that I couldn't make it on my own and feeling horrible about what our families would think and every other worry that I could think of. 

I also want to let you know that if you keep your head up, make a plan for yourself and your children about what you will do with your life past this point, exercise or do whatever it takes to start pushing upward again and feeling good about yourself, you will little by little start feeling better, but you need to take time to grieve a little first.  I remember thinking how on earth I would support 2 children (one with special needs and needing a lot more attention) by myself and how I would be able to continue school so I could get a decent job afterwards.  My contract with my ex was also only for 15 years and I thought it was for life too.  I think the biggest fear for me was not knowing what would happen to me and the kids and the more I started planning and doing what I wanted to do, the better I started to feel.  Now I live in a great little condo, in a great area, I won a huge battle getting my special needs son into a school where he's doing great and things are so much brighter.  I'm working part-time (when I can) and finishing school.  I'm dating a fantastic guy and I never thought I'd meet someone of this quality this quickly.  I must say though that even if we broke up (which I don't plan on it) I would still be okay without anyone.  I can do this on my own and realize it.

I'm not trying to brag about the stuff above, I just want you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel :>)  Please remember that his affair and wanting to be single again have nothing to do with you.  His poor choices and quite frankly, you will be better off without someone who cares more about himself than his wife and children.  I wish I could take some of your pain away, but I think it is all part of a healing process that we have to go through with in order to come out on the other side.

Charlie :>)