I am in bits again. He rang me at work on my mobile and sounded so cold and business like. When I saw it was him calling my stomuch lurched. I could not take the call at that time so I had to call him back. With hindsight I wish I had not, wish I had waited until I could make the call on my terms not his. He wanted to go around the house now, without me there and collect things. I said no. It was no longer his home and he could not expect to just call around when he wanted to. He changed the rules when he took stuff that had not been agreed or decided. I did not tell him I have changed the locks.
He says he has done as I asked and left us alone for a week now he wants to make arrangements to come and get his stuff. He says he has been advised to leave me a signed note saying he has removed items to the value of X, so that it can be taken into account at the final financial carve up. I told him give me a list of what he has already taken and the values first and what he is talking about as his personal stuff.
I told him a lot of his stuff has been cleared out and has been put in the back of the transit van. That he can make arrangements to have the van moved as soon as possible and the stuff that is inside it can go with it. He was so cold in his tone. I said you sound like you have decided what you want to do and he say oh yes, I have very much decided. I find it amazing that in less than a week he is so sure that the action he is taking is the one for him. I don't want him at all like this, this person who I no longer recognise. But he can still hurt me so much.
We had a ten minute conversation and he never once asked how I was or how the kids were. I did not say very much I just listened to him make his requests for his stuff. It broke me up again inside. I knew this is what I had to expect, how he is acting, projecting his twisted ideas and shame onto me, this is all my fault he says and I truly think that is what he believes, but I thought I would be stronger and better able to deal with it all. I am just a jibbering wreck again trying to hold it to together.
He knows daughter has parents evening in March, he did not have any involvement last year as he was in the thick of his A, he has no clue about it again. He knew the letters about which secondary school she has been allocated were due, no mention of that either. Daughter has not been allocated a place at the school we want so as well as everything else I have going on I have to file an appeal. He has not asked anything, all he is interested in is his stuff. How am I ever going to hold myself together and get through this. How am I ever going to be able to deal with him and allow him access to the house when he comes for his stuff? I know he has told some people he has left but he of course has not told anyone the truth about why.
I knew I was due a crash, I just did not think it would come so soon and that I would be so bowled over again by his dismissive attitude.
His behaviour, is twisted and driven by his own guilt, I can see that but it does not make it hurt any less. Is this the only way he can deal with me? How do I find it inside myself to deal with him on the same level.
So far I have managed to keep emotion out of my voice when I spoke with him but I don't know how long I can keep that up. This is draining me of all my energy, I really don't know how to pick myself up and stay upright throughout all this.
Jean
Do you have a close friend who could help you out, be there for you when it times for him to clear out his belongings???? This is what I did a few years ago. My best friend came to the house and I went to his while my H was supposed to pick up his 'stuff'. I got a phone call letting me know my H had changed his mind and wanted to stay... I relented. However, later on (and now I am not sure of the time frame) I asked him to leave, and he did. By then he had gotten the message I was serious about him leaving - I had changed the locks.
Jean, you need support when/if he comes to the house. I know you are strong - but... you don't need to face all this by yourself - maybe, just maybe with someone else in the house he will keep it short and civil.
Kat
thank you. simple and pure, my heart is lurching and I feel so sick. Your suggestion about having a friend here is a good one. I was also thinking about making sure the kids were elsewhere not here to see any of it. I also decided that I will pack as much of his stuff as I can and have it in boxes so all he has to do is pick up the boxes and bags. The big stuff is another matter. The day he comes for his radio gear will be a whole day job, even if he has help.
I just want this to be over.
The kids are confused too and little one told me last night she thinks of her Daddy as just another person who is living out there in the world. I think that is so sad.
Jean
"Do you have a close friend who could help you out, be there for you when it times for him to clear out his belongings???? This is what I did a few years ago"
Jean
I did almost the same thing that Kat did but I had my parents here at the house with me. He didn't like the fact that my parents were here but tough. He didn't want to face them but that wasn't really MY problem. We had packed ALL of his belongings downstairs (even the heavy stuff, even his computer and desk) in one room near the front door. I went through some of the tools that I could give him some of (the ones we had doubles of) and some dishes we had too many of and also split things like glass pans etc. that we had a lot of. I even gave him some things that he didn't ask for that I didn't really care about like the stereo and a really nice rottiserie (SP?) that could cook a huge turkey in. He was the one that wanted it so badly in the first place anyway. It was nice because he didn't go through the whole house looking for his crap and he got out more quickly that way. I would highly suggest it. It also kept conflict from happening, which made it easier to keep my own sanity. It will be uncomfortable for him to have someone else there but that is just tough, right?
Hi, Yes thanks, I had also given some thought to my Mam being here with me he would not like that at all. I would not want my Dad here, although he and I have mended many fences he broke over the years, my Dad would want to smack him around the head and my Dad is 84 so best to keep him at his own house LOL!
the more I think about it the better I like the idea of packing up for him and he can pick up the boxes.
He has taken so much little stuff from around the place it is almost like I have been burgled, like he has gone around looking in places and thought yes I'll have that. So small and so sad. Now he is trying to shaft me financially with the stuff he wants that is 'worthless' - yeah right, not according to the guy I had value some of his stuff at the weekend! unless you consider 10k worthless!
The garage door is broken and he was going to fix it> after this mornigs call I got hom and he had been back taken some of the stuff I had put in the van, and he had been in the garage. So tomorrow I have a guy coming to board up the door. It will be secure from the outside, and can stay that way until I choose otherwise.
Trying to stay strong, failing miserably, but oh so glad I have you guys here on this board to hold me up!
Jean
If you feel like having 10 people there, then so be it! Maybe you should just plan on having a little party there while he's getting his stuff! LOL
Show him you can have a good time without him. I'm getting mad just thinking about all that stuff I went through back then - it was very rough. Things have improved so much now that the agreement has been done for a while, things are separated and we can be civil to one another. You wouldn't believe how much better you will feel when all that is done. Hang in there. We know it isn't easy to go through all this but in time it will get better.
Thanks again, I had one of my litter premonitions last night and I rang in to work to stay home, sure enough he turned up again. This time he took stuff I had put in the van and then he was in the garage again taking things, I guess he has pretty much got what he wanted now. H came around first thing and he tried his keys in the front door, so now he knows the locks are changed. H would think I was at work but he kept ringing on the doorbell trying to get son up I suspect. Son was holding me back from going down to speak with him. I think son was right just let him take his stuff and get gone. This man thinks that he is in control because he can sneak back to the house and take stuff when I am not around. It seems to be that being a man and having control would be to face it full on and come around by agreement. The way he is behaving I can never see a time when the kids will want to have anything to do with him, nor a time when I will be able to speak with him abut anything in anything near a reasonable tone. HIM upstairs must be fed up on me talking with him, it is all I seem to do lately, talk to him and you guys!
Jean