Having been lied to for so long, and having been, it seems to me now, so very ready to believe what H told me, leaves me feeling foolish and so very stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid, foolish old woman am I.
It has been three weeks since my H left us, three weeks Saturday and we have it confirmed he is back with the OW. It has been back on for 1-½ weeks. For those of you who don’t know or remember, my son GF of 3 years is OW daughter.
Son and I spotted H and OW together on Friday morning. We were both shocked and knew nothing about what was going on. GF knew OW was back working for the company. OW had been re-employed by his partner since early Jan although it seems H was not told until a couple of weeks later - that explains his 'sudden' change from I love you, want this to work, to there is no hope for us for the future mindset. I think once he knew OW was back on the scene he also realised it would be a real problem for us, that I would be asking questions watching him closely etc. etc. Either that or he saw a way that he could be with her, that he truly is in love with her and all that he told me was self preservation, he needed to keep a roof over his head, I don't know. I think he was not prepared to be as transparent as he needed to be with me. He surely was not willing to put the work in with me, perhaps she is less hard work, as she is so easy to 'be with', maybe she is just easy. ha ha.
It has always been about control for H, he feels his life is not under his control, that I was controlling him so to have the A he was in charge, to leave he was in charge, to restart the A he is back in charge. He told me when we were rebuilding that he felt that the only time he was in control of his life was when he was having the A. Strange logic but there we have it.
When son and I saw H and her, I rang H and asked if there was an explanation for her being in the van. He said yes she was working for partner but it was convenient for him to give her a lift over to our side of the city (to start work) as he was also living on her side. I asked if it was back on between them again. H says whether it is or is not is not relevant to me. I said yes it is if it is back on did he not think it reasonable to tell me so I could prepare the kids. So I asked again were they seeing each other he says yes we have spent some time together. I just said OK I will tell the kids and hung up.
GF had not told son or me about her mother being back working. She felt it best to keep that quiet. It seems OW had said she would work for the company but not for H, however I am sure that will change soon enough. GF said she suspected the relationship was back on when she saw her mother’s sexy underwear back in the laundry. She asked her mother last night and mother confirmed they are together again and have been for about a week and a half. H did not waste any time did he. I can only guess that he must have approached OW and of course she was willing.
I can’t make any sense of any of it. All the things he told me about her and there time together when we were rebuilding, about how pathetic it was, how the sex was cheap and crap, how much he came to see that he was not in control of anything OW was, how he could see he was manipulated and used, drive me here, drive me there (apparently that is the case again as her ex – moved out two weeks ago saw my H driving her to her computer class! How did she get there all those weeks without H)?
I think about the 7 months we were rebuilding and working hard at it, the times we were away together and the really great connections we found with each other again, among all the pain, the notes and text messages he sent me saying hw sorry he was how much he loved me and was not going to give up. All lies. Well as he is so good at lies I guess OW had better be ready for a whole lot more coming her way. It has already started as he has told her when she got pregnant he got scared (For F*** sake he is not 17!) and did not know what to do so he came home to his family. He had never left! It seems she is willing to buy into his crap so be it. Lets see how they go once the fantasy is over and real life takes over.
He rang son Saturday night just before his show time to wish him well on his last nights performance,(he is in Macbeth on stage at the Theatre Royale here) he asked if he was ok and how was daughter, told son he would not keep him because he knew he would be getting ready, said if you want to talk you can ring me. Son says he had very little conversation with him and made it clear he did not want to speak with him at all. Son came home very upset and came to tell me what had happened. GF then confirmed that she had asked her Mother if they were together again and she said yes they were. God I can’t believe that I am right back here again 12 months after the first time. I am one day away from finding the text message, which confirmed it all. I had ‘known’ for weeks but the first piece of concrete evidence was found March 21st. When I think back now to what he said about that text, and the subsequent ones she sent him, what he had to say about her, to me and in counselling. It beggars belief.
He has just rang me this morning - my mobile I sent the call to my voice mail I will decide when I want to hear what he has to say not him. I picked up the message and he introduces himself says this is H how bizarre like I don’t know his name? And that he has spoken with his solicitor who is writing to mine and he wants to make arrangements to collect his personal property. What personal property he has nothing left here, I bagged and boxed it all up, he took it. No comment on how the kids are, nothing about how the little one is taking the news that he has lied to her again. Nothing at all just he wants his stuff.
So I force myself calm and after an hour or so call him back. He answers and all I say is make a list of what property you are talking about, give it to your solicitor who will forward it to mine, then we can discuss making arrangements for you to collect what it is, please don’t call me again, from now on we can communicate through our solicitors, Goodbye. I hang up. Feel crap, want to vomit but have to get it out the way. Thank God my Mam is coming to stay with me a few days from today.
What the hell do I do now? Breathe and take it one day at a time I think. That is all I can do. That and hug my kids who hurt like you would not believe.
Update March 22nd
I have screamed, cried and screamed and cried so much more since I wrote this the other day. More information has come out and it seems OW has once again begun to pump GF for information about me. GF and I have had a clear the air and I told her straight that what goes on in my life, my house and in the lives of my children is MY BUSINESS and no one else and to please respect my rules and KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT. I think she got my point.
GF did tell me that it was my H who made recontact (no surprise there) that her mother had not been speaking with him while working or crossing one another's path - nor H to her.GF also said that her mother is behaving in such a cruel and shelfish way towards the family completely ignoring her other kids and sleeping at my H new place 4 or 5 nights a week, aparently H rings her up says he will come for her and she jumps, tells the 17 year old niece who is staying with them (having had her own baby 6 months ago) that as she is living there rent free she can damn well look after the kids whenever OW wants it, and she is off for the night oh and by the way tidy up the house!
Seems like I was right H is in control and yells jump OW says OK how high?
H lies constantly but not consistently, the only thing that he can be sure to do is continue to lie to everyone. He even lied to his daughter the other day when she called him he told her point blank that he was alone and by himself. Lies and lies, he has told so many he has lost the plot. My son and GF both say it won't last and they will both get what they deserve. They are welcome to one another. The gloves are off for me. I just have to find a way to close down my heart.
Jean,
Thank you so much for the hugs and kind words. It really helps to know folks are pulling for me here.
Tonight I was sat and thought about things and I decided I was going to burst his bubble somewhat. I discovered where he is living a little while ago. So tonight I decided to pay him a little visit. I got dressed for a night out hair, makeup, smart clothes the works, covered myself in the purfume he bought me for Christmas and headed over. Found the place so easily.
There was some post that had slipped through his redirection so I took it over and had added a post it note (in case he was not home)which basically said I knew his slut was at his house 4 or 5 nights a week and that I had always known where he was,and was no longer prepared to let him continue to think he had control over anything, i.e I know where you live (what was the name of that movie that line is from?) it also said that for every time he decided to call around to my home (after stuff) he could be sure that I would repay the compliment!
When I got to the house the van was outside and his crappy curtains were closed (missing hooks and not drawn properly - looking every inch a 'lovely home' not LOL!) So I decided to knock. He came to the door nd had about 10 seconds advance warning it was me as he saw me through the glass, and then had to unlock the door. I looked right at him and said a very steady cheerful Good Evening and a bright smile, I handed him his post but as he reached for it I dropped it on the floor and turned away, it took him 20 seconds and I was almost down the driveway, before he could call thank you in such a childish voice(sorry H you did not quite carry that off). I walked away got back in the car and felt on top of the world. In control and holding the power. I believe he was stunned, his thoughts must have been OMG she has found me! I am laughing now at the picture of him stood there,and the one image I carried away was that he could not look me in the face, never mind the eye. The best part of all was I felt nothing no stirring of emotion towards him. I thought my tummy would go flip flop but it did not.
I am so glad I waited the three weeks before I let on I knew where he was. Revenge really is a dish best served cold!
Jean UK
Wow,dont know what to say,it brings it all home to me that I have such a long way to go...if I find I want to stick with it.He sounds really weak and definitely not in control of his life at all.Since I found out (one month tomorrow) its made me a lot stronger,and I feel I am coming out of a tunnel now,I feel if I dont try again I may miss out on a better life.But I still think from time to time that she has done so much to me,can I get over this? I guess time is all I do have though.
Sounds like you are going through hell at the moment,but you need to be strong for you and your kin,keep your emotion and pain for your quiet moments,it helps in the more open ones when people are around.
Please dont think Im blowing my own trumpet but I am a big man,I do a very masculine,confrontational job that not many other people can do and Im proud of what Ive acheived - Ive been on the telly many times! I get propositioned by other ladies I work alongside but Im strong and have no trouble resisting,I have travelled the world on my own and have been very self-sufficient from a young age after losing my father when young BUT I wept like a baby for days when all the initial shock of this had dissipated and I still do when Im in a quiet moment. This new-found inner-strength has earned me the total respect and admiration of my colleagues - who were always going to find out - and that in turn has made me stronger still and more able to deal with the pain.
You will come through this,I know Im a novice but Im staying focussed,planning for both eventualities,life goes on, I have three young children to worry about, my marriage can sort itself out in a way.
I too feel such a fool,so stupid that I couldnt see that my friend and my wife were stringing me along,she can blame her emotional weaknesses which I can sympathise with,he...well he will get whats coming to him in time,I feel it,Im a firm believer in 'you reap what you sow'and I just hope I know about it when it happens.
No Im not a religious man I just believe that if you stay on the straight and narrow,all will be well.Everything happens for a purpose, you take care and feel free to contact me.
'Sleep away the years, sleep away the pain,wake tomorrow - a girl again'
'One cannot answer for his courage when he has never been in danger'
