I so understand the house thing. The core of my house is a hundred years old, in a beautiful neighborhood with lots of big mature trees (I've got three that are 60-80 feet tall on my little 1/3 acre lot). I started working on this house in 1985, a year before we moved in, almost 20 years ago. I intended to grow old here. My five closest neighbors have been the same people for a dozen or more years, and the retired schoolteacher across the street lived there when my exwife was a little girl growing up in the neighborhood.
Today I went out to run the dogs, and as I was picking up some of the downed branches and sticks (a constant thing around here) I was overwhelmed with sadness at the knowledge that we're moving away, my son and I, to a little rented house in a different neighborhood. Yes, this place is too much for a man and a boy and three dogs, yes, I can't afford it any longer, and yes, it's healthy to make the break.
But I'm still sad about it, so I'll let myself have the rest of the day to mope about it...then I'll get busy tomorrow packing and measuring the new place for rugs and furniture fit.
I feel the same way about the house (mainly the yard) that I walked away from. I don't want the house. I would be fine if I never saw it again. But it is still a sad. I guess I feel the same way about my marriage. That's was part of the reason I asked Monica about how it felt to sign the papers. I'm looking forward to that day in a very big way. Goodness knows how long and how hard I have battled to get there. Still, it won't exactly be a day for busting open bottles of champaign, wearing paper hats, and throwing streamers.
My final papers arrived almost a month after the fact with a cover letter from my lawyer. Anticlimactic, to say the least.
Ah, the yard. The crabapple from the kids' daycare/preschool years. The blue spruce from my late mother-in-law. The Japanese maple I nursed from a stick. The daffodils I was planting at the moment my mother called to tell me that my uncle had died.
The crabapple is budding...the daffodils will bloom this week...the spruce started out a 2-foot sapling, and it's as tall as the house now...the Japanese maple's finally a tree instead of a bush.
All of them stronger and more durable than my marriage.
Chris,
I really feel were you are. I am caught up in the same struggle although I have not moved so far along as you have. At this point in my situation I am doing the maths, I know I can afford to keep the house but do I want to? I can manage it and the bills without any contribution from him, but why would I want to keep it. OK it is my home and has been the only home I have known since I sold up and moved from Newcastle to York all those years ago. I, like you, have great neighbours here, great neighbourhood too.
I walk the rooms of the house and I look at all the changes we made, my designs, his technical know-how and my labouring to him,usually. This house was nurtured and built into a home with the toil of our hands and sweat. I remember the morning daughter was christened, all the family were arriving and the tiling was not finished in the kitchen. H was collecting folks from the railway station and I was rushing between the oven (food for the after party) and tiling at the same time. It got done and it was a joy to me to look at it, happy in the fact that we had been building something, together.Now when I look at it I just want to tear it all down.
Memories like that, and the Christmas notes that were left out for Santa, the happy cheerful shouts Christmas and Birthday mornings, now they all seem to be hollow echos.
Little one and I will be here in this five bedroomed place alone come September when son leaves for University. It is way to big for me and her and the dog, even as big as Jake is. I know that but can I let it go? should I? Do I want to?
We went looking at new places over the weekend, we looked at about 6 places, all of them nice but none of them 'home', none of them even said to us, this could become home.
I sign my papers on Monday, issue the petition and then the circus comes to town, six months max so says the solicitor, once the papers are served. I suppose what I am saying is as you are packing up and measuring for new stuff. I am still packing up my heart and my memories.
Chris, I wish you much happiness and comfort in your new place. I wish you the opportunity to unpack and build new memories, good ones, ones that are yours. I just hope that I am able to follow your lead some time soon.
God I sound so melancholy. Sorry.
Jean UK
This message has been edited by jeanniejake on Apr 2, 2005 7:40 PM
Jean, no need to apologise. I understand, and I share your sentiments. I didn't even get into all the blood, sweat, toil, and tears (and money) I poured into the inside of this place, making it our home.
The next place is simply a transition. We will probably live there a year or two and move again before my son leaves home, to something more permanent...unless we really love it. The neighborhood's not so great, but it's what I can afford right now. Thankfully, he will not have to change schools since he's in a district-wide magnet program.
You know, when HE first left, I thought I wanted to sell this house and make a new start. I didn't want to look around at all the holes left by him taking his stuff and my step-daughter's stuff, I even wished at one point that it would burn down. The first time I had to mow the yard, I thought an apartment would be perfect for the dog and I. I didn't WANT to see the little projects he had done or the big ones we had done together.
At some point, I realized I could have a new start here. I didn't have to move - I love my neighbors, I'm 3 blocks from the city park, 2 blocks from the high school, I'm 4 minutes from my job, I live in an old neighborhood with lots of trees (and I planted 3 myself, 2 years ago)and sidewalks, AND the best revenge is that if I keep this house, he has to drive right past here when he goes to visit his mom. In some sick way, I want him to be reminded of what he walked away from, every time he's in town.
He did say that signing over this house was really hard on him. I didn't even think about that part (partly because HE made THAT choice by cheating again and then leaving).
I think I'll paint next weekend. I really want to make this MY space now. I can re-arrange the living room (and not worry about the space for his stupid beloved aquarium). I can put up pink curtains in the bedroom. I can take down the crayon ceiling fan in my spare room - that used to be my SD's room.
I am taking with me all the important things from our marriage: the house, my car, my dog, and MY SANITY!!
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
"...then I'll get busy tomorrow packing and measuring the new place for rugs and furniture fit"
Chris
That is one thing that really helped me feel at home and peaceful when I came to my new home. I bought curtains and material for another curtain to match my new home and as soon as I got here painted and hung everything. I still have to get rid of some furniture that is still in my garage now and BF is holding some of my furniture since I can't fit it. Having my new place put together so quickly made me realize how much I loved it and I still had all my old pictures etc. The sad part for me was also all the Crate Myrtle's I had planted in my yard, two purple, one white, one dark pink, and one dark pink and light pink and all the other trees and plants I had. I did manange to dig up a bunch of the plants and bring them along for this tiny back yard though and it made me feel somewhat better.
I was in the mall today and saw my old neighbors and they told me they missed me and the boys :>) That is kind of sad :>(
I was watching Extreme Makeover - Home Edition last night (LOOOOVE that show!). A little background - Ty Pennington (Trading Spaces) and his crew pick a deserving family and build them a GREAT house with all the latest gadgets. The family has usually been through some really horrific, life-changing event: family member killed, child with cancer, drive-by shooting, etc.
Last night, the mom had recently lost her husband and oldest son a few days before Christmas in an auto accident. She had also, a 6 y/o boy and 3 y/o boy twins. Mom and Dad had bought a circa 1870 home with the hopes of restoring it to its former glory. Dad was handy and planned to do much of the work himself, until fate stepped in.
Mom was SO overjoyed that the crew decided to leave the "skeleton" of the house and remodel rather than rebuild.
In the reveal portion, she said that she knew that her DH would have loved the house and the updates and that she could really GO ON and make NEW memories in the house. I so identified with her. You can't erase the other memories (hers were most likely MUCH better than mine regarding my house!) but we can hope to go forward and make new ones.
That's what I want to do: make this MY space and fill it with NEW memories - not ones that involve hearing some piece of a confession that my STBXH is a lying, cheating rat bastard.
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
You can think of them as bricks and mortar, a house, or you can think of them as memories, love and hard work - a home.
When we decided to sell our little old house, and my Mum sell her little house, and put all the money together and buy this 'big beautiful house' I was SOOO happy. I loved it from the first time I saw it. When we viewed other houses, they just didn't feel 'right'. But this one, well, I can still remember the feeling I had when I first walked in to view it 'this is the one'. I viewed it on my own, then brought my husband to view it. I was so filled with anticipation, would he like it?? But as the owner was here I knew my husband wouldn't say what he really thought until we were alone. I couldn't wait to get outside and ask him what he thought!! And he and the then owner were chatting on and on AND ON about golf and all sorts of stuff and I'm like a cat on hot bricks, dying to get out and find out what he thinks of it. Anyway, eventually, we leave, and as soon as we're out of earshot I ask him 'It's a cracking house' in English, that means he liked it!! I'm like yippeeeeee!! We buy it, and Mum hasn't even seen it but I've taken photos and sent her, and drawn floor plans and all of that, so, she was confident in our choice. And when she saw it, she loved it too.
My husband named it 'Our Empire' - it was much bigger and more expensive than the homes of friends our age, all because it was our money and Mum's together making it possible. We all loved this house and were so happy here.
Then, less than five years later, he starts his affair and wants out of the shit marriage, doesn't care about the house. I remember asking him if he wanted to put 'our empire' on the market. He said yes with no hesitation. I couldn't believe it. Still can't. We'd buried our beloved little dog, Freckles, in the garden less than 2 years before. I asked what about leaving her, to be dug up by new owners. He didn't care. He was so cruel and heartless.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is, take a leaf out of his book, and think of it as bricks and mortar and try and put the love, hard work and memories 'home' out of your mind. I hope you can
xxxxxx
