I cannot believe this. I went out of town yesterday and come back and my H says all this to me as he's crying..." I realize I've made a mistake and I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you and all my family. When I saw you yesterday you took my breath away and knowone has ever been able to do that, not even the OW. I wish I had never done what I did. It was not worth it. I was looking at all the picture's of us and remember the good times that we've had. I cannot imagine myself with anyone else. You are the woman I have always wanted, your beautiful, sexy, smart, fun and the mother of my children. I'm not asking you to take me back, but I'm telling you my eyes were truly opened yesterday to what I was throwing away and I don't want to lose you. I'm not even a man, I'm still a boy and when I married you I was looking for someone to take care of me. I need to grow up in a lot of areas of my life. I told the OW today that this was not worth it, I've hurt so many people and I feel like I'm in high school. I have a home, a wife and three kids and I want them." (He says there was silence and then she hung up w/o saying anything) Then he tells me he will do whatever it takes. He'll get a detailed phone bill, he'll even take a lie detector test. He's tired of all the lies and says that talking with her is a pain in the butt, he realizes he was just looking for acceptance cause he's so insecure about himself. Then tells me "I love you so much and I just had to tell you how sorry I am, I hope I haven't confused you and if you want to still pursue the D then I understand."

So, since I booted him out last week I have been happy, flying high, and relieved! I don't have to wonder if he's calling her or going to see her or all the lies. There was of course moments in the evening I would cry. I felt like a failure. I tried fixing my marriage, fixing him and it didn't work. Then he says all this to me. He's been getting counseled by a pastor from a church. It seems to be helping! But, now I'm mad. I feel like I had these new dreams for my life. Like I was starting over and I would not have to deal with any crap from him and the kids and I would be happy in a new place and eventually I would meet a guy who would treat me great and not lie and cheat.

I mean I have almost 10 years of memories filled with lies and cheating. He has so many deep issues that I just don't think I can trust him ever. I never have been able to trust him. He told me all the things wrong with himself and he's getting help for them. But, now I feel...well...sad. I mean I tried for over 3 weeks to get through and then I make my decision and now he comes around. I told him he never has followed through with anything. He says he knows, he needs to be accountable. A part of me says ok, sit back and see what he does. See if he sticks with counseling and changing. But then 95% of me says he'll screw up again and to move on. I seperated my heart from him, I still love him, but if I had to I could just look at him as the father of my children.

But, then I was thinking what if he becomes the man that I lost all those years ago? I just don't want to look back and regret my decision. I don't want to wish I had stayed married or gotten a divorce. I want to KNOW that I made the right choice. No regrets. What would you do?

Jen >>I want to KNOW that I made the right choice. No regrets. What would you do?<<

I would do exactly what you are doing. I believe you are asking all the right questions. I also believe that in time, you will become more and more sure of your choices and your answers.

That's how it worked for me, in any case. When I first discovered my X's affair, I rarely considered divorce. And when I did, I considered it fleetingly. I would mentally slap myself for being so stupid.

These days, I rarely consider the possibility of returning to my marriage and when I do, I consider it fleetingly. I mentally slap myself for being so stupid.

In between, there was a gradual transformation. It didn't happen overnight. Once I started to consider divorce seriously, I swung back and forth sometimes daily. One day I was certain that I should fight for my marriage and the next day I was certain that my marriage was unsaveable. As time went on, the periods of "you should leave" got longer and the periods of "you should stay" got shorter.

I'm one of those people who leads with his head. My heart has to play catch up. That process took some time too. At some point my head realized that my heart had reached a point of no return.

It sounds as though the reality of your husband's choices is beginning to sink in. I admire him for admitting to you his mistakes. That's a critical first step. For him, the next step (as they say) is a doozy. The next step is to change and nobody, not even your husband, knows whether he can do the work and stick with it.

I guess the other question that only you can answer is whether you would want him back even if he did change.

In my case, the damage that had been done during the two or three years after d-day was too much for me. It took me a long time to realize that I wouldn't be able to recover from the damage that had already been done. Your mileage may vary of course but I had gone past the point of no return long before I knew it.

These days, I KNOW that I made the right choice for me. I have no regrets about my decision to leave. My X seems to be making great strides pulling her life together now and I wish her continued good luck with that. I hope that someday soon she will find someone to share her new and improved self with.

Quinn

"But, now I'm mad. I feel like I had these new dreams for my life. Like I was starting over and I would not have to deal with any crap from him and the kids and I would be happy in a new place and eventually I would meet a guy who would treat me great and not lie and cheat."

You know my ex didn't ask me back but I have felt for the past few months that he has shown remorse and some regret for wanting a D. I even posted that I felt angry/mad about seeing this side of him. I thought it isn't fair that he's doing this crap now after everything he's done to me. I think he is still doing this, even tonight when he picked up the kids he is far more humble than he's ever been and I find it unusual. Maybe I'm making more out of his good behavior than I should but... Maybe he won't tell me he screwed up b/c he knows I'm with someone now that I really care for - who knows.

No one can tell you what to do. This is YOUR decision and I'd hate to tell you something that would make you unhappy. I can tell you that regardless of my H's remorse and regret (or what I think it is) I am still happy that I've gotten out because he was a repeat offender and as much as he would try to change he could never hold his end of the bargain up fairly. After getting out I realize how bad our relationship was even though when I was with him it didn't seem so bad, only the porn stuff and lying about stupid stuff but I see the selfishness in him now and it is bigger than ever.

"A part of me says ok, sit back and see what he does. See if he sticks with counseling and changing. But then 95% of me says he'll screw up again and to move on. I seperated my heart from him, I still love him, but if I had to I could just look at him as the father of my children."

It is such a rough choice but it almost seems as if you have made up your mind already by saying 95% of me says he'll screw up. You know him better than anybody and perhaps even better than himself. You could always live apart and see where it goes but you also have to be prepared for more heartache.

"But, then I was thinking what if he becomes the man that I lost all those years ago? I just don't want to look back and regret my decision. I don't want to wish I had stayed married or gotten a divorce. I want to KNOW that I made the right choice."

I remember saying these nearly exact words when I was deciding at first to let him back in the house after catching him in his A. I let him back in and he continued lying but hid it better and I only found out a year later. This does not mean your H will. Mine had an addiction and a verbally abusive childhood and I don't think they will get help with these things if they aren't admitting they have a problem.

I'm not much help with your question and your H is certainly different than mine. I know it feels good to hear these things from him after all he's put you through but your right he could be setting you up for more disappointment or he could actually get help and change. I'm a firm believer that people can change - my ex didn't really want to. I am happier now than I've been in a long time :>)

Charlie