Ok...I'm 46 years old, and am living alone for the first time in my life. I have found that, for the most part, I love it. However, even though my ex and I hadn't had any real communication or companionship for quite some time, I find I miss those things tremendously. Someone to chat with, be quiet with, laugh with, share things with...etc. How do you get used to this...not having someone there?
Don't get me wrong, I have friends that I do things with, and talk to regularly. It's not the same though. I don't date...have been separated since early December, but I'm not divorced yet. So, I won't date. (Divorce was supposed to be final earlier this week, but I found out Friday that there was a gliche, and it won't be final until this next week. URGH!)
I don't feel very ready to date anyway. Still have so much anger...resentment...etc. Don't want to take that into a new relationship.
My question about this is....how the heck do you know when you're ready to start dating? The thought, quite frankly, terrifies me. I was asked out a couple times, and all but ran the other direction after choking out a "no thank you."
Have a great Sunday evening...and next week...Cindy
I have been married or in a serious relationship for 25 of the past 27 years so I can definitely relate. After my first relationship broke up, I waited almost 9 months to date seriously.
This time, after about nine months alone I started having lunch or going out for drinks with a co-worker.
It's a lot different this time because I have a 15-year-old son at home 6 days a week (he goes to his mom's on Saturday evening/Sunday) and I don't want to bring someone into his house and his life unless and until I'm really serious.
My coworker/friend doesn't perceive our time as "dates"; she was just starting to go out with someone else at the same time and he's her love interest. We're just friends spending time having a beer after work on Fridays now.
I will be moving and changing jobs soon, and will have to form some new friendships, associations, schedules, and habits as a result. I will probably look into "speed-dating" just to meet some unattached women once I get into my new routine.
I guess I'm ready...we all have baggage in mid-life (I'm 45) and the trick is not seeing my ex's face when I look at someone else. Or choosing someone so different that there's no chance of that.
It's like everything else, Cindy. I have to feel my way through it. Thinking about it ain't gonna attract anyone.
"I don't feel very ready to date anyway. Still have so much anger...resentment...etc. Don't want to take that into a new relationship."
Any of the literature on divorce I have read suggests a time period of about 2 years before getting involved in another serious relationship.....usually in between is just a rebound thing and doesn't last. My therapist suggested the same thing. However I guess the real answer is to start when you feel ready to start. If you still have any anger or resentment then maybe now is not the time to start. Lots of people inadvertently carry baggage into new relationships and don't realize until time has gone by the damage that ensues. Unfortunately we all desire to be loved, held, cuddled and kissed. Hell sex occasionally is even nice LOL
I have struggled with this dating thing alot. My theory is this........if your relationship was never what you wanted it to be and you never really were in love with your spouse, or your needs hadn't been met for awhile maybe your just ready to move on instantly, maybe you have had time to grieve the relationship in your mind. Sometimes I also wonder if some people have shallow emotions and some have deeper emotions, is that just the nature of what makes us a person? Some people seem to jump headfirst, while others like to test the water first. However for me my H was the world and I loved him deeply. I expected to be married for life.
In my opinion, and I know others may not agree - you need to determine first what makes you happy and that shouldn't be being with a man. Nobody should make you happy other than yourself. Once you have determine what you need to make you happy you can add somebody to your life that puts the happiness over the top. Some people "need" to have a man in their life and I think they miss out on the big picture, the difference between what we need and what we want.
Since separating I have found talents in areas I had no idea existed. I had always had a man to do things for me like renovations, shovelling, grass mowing, fixing cars, etc. Just last year I pulled up the carpet in my mudroom and laid down ceramic tile. It was difficult and hard labour, but it was worth every bit of sweat and tears that went into it. I also finised up my accounting designation and went on a vacation by myself. Just a few of the goals in life I decided I did not need support from a man for. Prior to the affair I was weak......not good at standing up for myself and allowed my H to disrespect me. I have had time to resolve issues such as this.
Soooooo I guess in summary I am the new and improved version of the Canuck Kid.....I don't think I would have had a chance to explore myself in depth if I was concentrating on a new relationship.
BTW....I have done the dating thing and I have to tell you it is A LOT different than I remember.......its scary shit LOL.
My theory is I am looking for a man that compliments my life, not complicates it.
Please, pretty please, please.... someone explain to me the term "dating"...
Is going for coffee, sharing a meal and good conversation, going to the movies, theater, whatever... is that 'dating'??? Because I don't see it as such...remember I am not an American baby lol...is sharing the above with a male friend - and I mean a friend - is that dating?? I don't 'date' my friends... LOL....I have had and still have several male friends and if we go out to share a meal, movie, etc... I don't consider going on a date... and before you call 'fowl' my husband knows them ...
Well dating in the context of my message is meeting a person of the opposite sex and going out somewhere (doesn't really matter where exactly) with the intent of determining compatability for a future date or possible relationship usually ending in some sort of intimacy like a kiss, hug etc
I can relate to the feeling of being alone, as can others. I hate it. I hate not having someone to come home to, I hate not having someone to hold me or just listen to me talk. I actually hate going to an empty bed every night just to wake up alone every morning. I have no idea when I will be ready to date, or what dating is anymore. I want so badly to be wanted and to want in return, but in time I know that will come. Until then, I must become stronger as an individual and become comfortable in my "alone time". One thing I know is that it is not easy.
"Any of the literature on divorce I have read suggests a time period of about 2 years before getting involved in another serious relationship.....usually in between is just a rebound thing and doesn't last. My therapist suggested the same thing. However I guess the real answer is to start when you feel ready to start."
I'm guessing some relationships do fall into the rebound thing but I for one am absolutely sure that this is not a rebound thing for me with this new guy here and we started dating fairly soon after things were over with my ex. I'm not sure I have ever felt this good about a relationship before. I've met someone with morals and integrity and I think the world of him.
"My theory is this........if your relationship was never what you wanted it to be and you never really were in love with your spouse, or your needs hadn't been met for awhile maybe your just ready to move on instantly, maybe you have had time to grieve the relationship in your mind."
I'll agree with you there. I dealt with lying, ignorance, selfishness and addiction so long that once I got over the financial attachments, it was easy for me to see it all and move on. I will say, however, that I was very deeply in love with him but it has become painfully obvious in all these years that he did not truly love me and I don't take it personally because I don't think he has the capacity to truly love anyone. I think he loves immaturely because his mother bought love. Instead of treating people well she would pamper them with great meals and gifts, none of which really mattered to me but ex liked them a lot - too much. He never learned how to love for real.
"Sometimes I also wonder if some people have shallow emotions and some have deeper emotions, is that just the nature of what makes us a person? Some people seem to jump headfirst, while others like to test the water first. However for me my H was the world and I loved him deeply. I expected to be married for life."
I don't think my emotions were shallow but my ex's definitely were. I think my rational side won over my heart when I realized what I wrote above. I also thought I was married for life and had every intention of staying together even after all his problems. I just wanted him to get help and also realized since he was unwilling to admit his problems and unwilling to change that I was seriously wasting my time.
"In my opinion, and I know others may not agree - you need to determine first what makes you happy and that shouldn't be being with a man. Nobody should make you happy other than yourself. Once you have determine what you need to make you happy you can add somebody to your life that puts the happiness over the top. Some people "need" to have a man in their life and I think they miss out on the big picture, the difference between what we need and what we want."
I understand where your coming from there. I have thought long and hard about if I feel like I "need" a man in my life and my answer is an absolute NO. I spent all my married life being alone A LOT! He was always gone and even several times as long as 6 months. I had more time with myself than I did with him and I never had a problem being alone. It was when he came back that we would start having issues - LOL. I do personally think that I am happier with my BF than I am alone but I only say that because we seem to fit together quite well and get along great and because I feel happy when he is around unlike the way I felt when me ex was around. He was a very negative person and never wanted to do much that I did.
"Since separating I have found talents in areas I had no idea existed. I had always had a man to do things for me like renovations, shovelling, grass mowing, fixing cars, etc."
Your post is really making me think and I like that. I guess sometimes I wonder why I am doing well without my ex and I guess your answering some things for me. I always did everything in our home. I did tile floors, wallpapering, I changed oil in cars, I fixed our dryer several times, almost all the yard work including a beautiful garden, etc. I also did all the financial stuff, got most of the loans, did the checkbook, dealt with investment people, purchased houses by myself, etc. So these things certainly haven't changed for me. I don't think my life has changed much since he's been gone except now I don't have to clean up after him or worry what he's doing when he's gone. I also have someone who supports me every day and calls a couple times a day if I don't see him and even when I do :>)
"My theory is I am looking for a man that compliments my life, not complicates it."
Kid
I'm willing to bet you'll find someone like that some time. I just got real lucky.
Charlie
This message has been edited by charlie288 on Apr 18, 2005 12:16 AM This message has been edited by charlie288 on Apr 18, 2005 12:13 AM
I didn't allow myself to have female friends after I got married, unless it was in a "couple" setting. So I am terribly out of practice at relating to any woman other than my exwife one-on-one. Truthfully, I'm kind of afraid of it.
That's why I chose to continue going out for drinks, meals, etc. with my friend...just to learn how to socialize on my own again. So what if she's got a boyfriend? He knows about me, I know about him, and we buy each other a beer every now and then. We both know about her: never married, extremely independent.
Frankly, I don't WANT to form an exclusive relationship anytime soon so this is a good and safe thing for me. I very much like companionship, talking, working together, and the occasional hug or kiss.
Eventually I'll find a friend who wants more than that from me. And if I want more too, then it will be more. Until then, it is what it is for me.
I guess this is all a longwinded way of saying...don't sweat it. Like Kid, I'm working hard on getting comfortable in my own skin. I won't say "I don't need a woman for anything" 'cause that's bullshit. But I'll live without a woman in my house for a while.
It helped for me to realize the difference between being alone and being lonely. On the surface this sounds like a matter of symantics but I view being alone as a physical state and being lonely as a feeling. I felt more lonely with my ex than I do now that I am alone because living with someone I could no longer relate to in a hostile enviroment drew in to sharp contrast what sharing my life with someone who really understood me could be like! So I guess its how you frame it. I'm 43 years old and was married for 20 years. About two weeks after the divorce I asked my therapist about dating again and she said the it would be the worst thing I could do before I had time to process all of the anger, disappointment, hurt, etc that comes from losing a loved one. I choose the words "losing a loved one" over divorce because its more like a death except the funeral never ends and the loved one you lost is still up walking around. This part seems trivial until you find out that your ex is gettting re married to someone else, and a rush of feelings come back or you have child custody issues thst require you to have regular contact with your ex. I used that time in my life to do some much needed and neglected self exploration. Answering the age old question "who the hell am I?" after being married so long your identity with your spouse gets so intertwined with each other its hard to figure out where one ends and the other begins. So use this time wisely so that you don't carry the same baggage in to another relationship. Make sure you have happiness to share and are not looking for someone to provide it for you. Good luck to you and may God bless you abundantly.
Oh, and on a more practical note I bought one of those full length body pillows because I used to love to spoon with my wife in bed and I was having trouble sleeping at night. The girl at the check out counter gave me kind of a funny look but I told her I just got divorced and she smiled and said "so, are you going to name it?" and I said "I never though about it, what's your name?" she said "Cheryl" so I looked at the pillow and said" Come on Cheryl we have more shopping to do. Lets go" Ever since then my pillows name has been Cheryl. I can spoon with her, she doesn't cheat, spend too much money, and won't take half of my stuff in court. I think I love her!
I fear that I will go to my grave loving this woman. I prefer to do it with her but if she doesn't want to I am so afraid that any future relationship would not be able to survive my love for my wife.
I don't think it would be fair to anyone else to ask them to come into a life so full of this woman.
.....meeting a person of the opposite sex and going out somewhere (doesn't really matter where exactly) with the intent of determining compatability for a future date or possible relationship usually ending in some sort of intimacy like a kiss, hug etc ....
thank you , Kim...
...possible relationship usually ending in some sort of intimacy like a kiss, hug etc ....<<<
that's where I have a problem ... so dating is really a mating dance.... whatever happened to friendship?? even between men and women??? if women only see men as a potential partner, and men see women as an easy roll in the hay... in my own views this is a very sad situation indeed...
While single (between marriages) I did not live as a monk, not even a nun (lol), but I had several friends, men and women, and interestingly enough my 'love' interests were not part of 'that' crowd....I suppose during 'that' time I was both agressive AND assertive ... I was the one with the last say-so LOL....
"I looked at the pillow and said" Come on Cheryl we have more shopping to do. Lets go" Ever since then my pillows name has been Cheryl. I can spoon with her, she doesn't cheat, spend too much money, and won't take half of my stuff in court. I think I love her!"
Phew! I'm not alone in this! I have 2 of these...one at my back and one to "hug"...like a nest in my bed. LOL...Never thought to name them! Hmm...I kind of like Sven, though I don't get the massage!!
"I understand where your coming from there. I have thought long and hard about if I feel like I "need" a man in my life and my answer is an absolute NO. I spent all my married life being alone A LOT!"
Well, I'm still trying to figure out my own, individual wants and needs here, but I do feel like I don't "need" a man in my life. I would like one to share my life with someday, but don't think I'm in a hurry. When I asked my therapist about dating, she said there were a lot of "predators" out there who can and do hone in on vulnerable women, so to be careful. Careful nothin'! I'm terrified of the idea of dating. That's my answer, and I'm sticking to it. Not ready because it's too scary! LOL
"being alone as a physical state and being lonely as a feeling. I felt more lonely with my ex than I do now that I am alone because living with someone I could no longer relate to in a hostile enviroment drew in to sharp contrast what sharing my life with someone who really understood me could be like!"
I was alone a lot as well. And I agree there is a difference between "alone" and "lonely". The definition you gave, Patrick, is a good one. I can do the physical state...have done so for many years. It's the feeling part that gets more difficult for me. Fortunately, it passes rather quickly. Like you, I lived in a really hostile environment for several years before we actually separated physically. That was a horrible way to live, and not something I would ever do to myself again. I died a little each day, and actually became suicidal at one point. We were separated in the same house...opposite ends of the house...and I spent the majority of the time in my room...almost exclusively for about a year and a half. I was terribly lonely during that time. Lost a lot of myself, too. I look back now and wonder how/why I did that to myself. But I guess we do what we have to do in order to move on. That's what I had to do. I've always said that I have to "slap my face on the cement a few times in order to get the message clearly"...the way I understand it, this is part of the PTSD. Well, this situation was no different. I had to beat myself to death before I left.
Wow Cindy!,
two pillows, hadn't thought of that one, but be careful with a manage a trois some pillows get really jealous and fall out of bed and others just want to stick together while you watch! As far as the massage thing with a little creativity you could probably slip one of those shiatsu back massagers in the pillow case. As I've grown older and came to understand the difference between sex and intimacy I've found some pretty creative ways to meet my needs (not speaking of self gratification here) but more in the lines of intimacy. Like re connecting with friends from the past, trying new hobbies, overcoming fears, exploring different career paths, hugging people more, touching people on the shoulder when making a point during conversations, rediscovering the lost art of flirting. Things that validate you as a person that the opposite sex would be interested in without the dangers of promiscuity. Just a thought........
Lots of things to think about here folks. The pillow thing made me smile as I remember when my father in law lost his wife after 50 years he told me he could never sleep alone. His solution was to put a suitcase or something heavy on the other side of the bed he said the weight he felt there was comforting and he was able to sleep. I used to think whatever brought him comfort was ok. I never thought much about it other than that until I found myself sleeping in a bed alone.
The pillows are an interesting idea, I did laugh at the idea of naming one, but then I thought about the well known brand of blow up doll that is popular (I am told) that has the same first name as the OW in my situation - I belive it is known as a Juicy XXXX. (give you a clue they rhyme!) It gave me a laugh, the image it brought to mind.
Dating. Well this is an interesting thread. I have been wondering a lot about my own motivations recently. Two weeks after H left I was asked out by a very nice man, much younger than me, and I found myself in a situation with very mixed emotions. My own motivation in thinking about accepting, his motivations in asking. What agenda was there that might be hidden? Blind panic at the thought that after all those years with one person I would even know my own 'arse from my elbow' let alone how to behave as a non married person.
I did not go looking for anyone, he was the guy I called to take away the transit van. He called around to check the progress, I made him a coffee, (My Mam was staying with me at the time and was in the house with daughter) and we stood chatting in my kitchen for four and a half hours!
As he left he asked. I was completely floored. It was the last thing I was expecting although as we chatted I was becoming aware of his 'interest'. I was filled with panic but also extremely flattered. The first thought was how
do I decline? Then what if I accept, and what is he really asking me?
I thought long and hard about motivations. I reasoned that the only way I could discover my own motivations (or his) was to take up the offer and see where it goes. So I took a very deep breath and said yes. I am happy to say I have found a lot of answers to questions inside myself, answers that I would not have discovered so soon with out the experience. I am learning how to be 'me' and not a part of the 'us' I was so caught up in for so many years.
My one big fear was that I would not be able to ever allow myself to 'come forward' to risk rejection again, so it was especially theraputic for me to be able to risk 'me' again, especially when I had to add to the equation why would a man so much younger than me be interested in me? My own self esteem being in the gutter I assumed his motivation could only be warped!
As I come to accept that I have something to offer, am of value, and am desirable, my own esteem repairs. I don't need a man to feel happy, but more importantly I recognise that I thought maybe I did.
He does make me happy but I am happy for my own sake too. It may be that this is all way too soon, and it may not, but I do believe that there are reasons why and when things happen to us and I am not about to turn away something good and honest because I am afraid. STBXH's actions made me feel afraid for long enough I am not about to do it to myself as well!
Where will it go? Where should it? Should it go anywhere? For the moment, I am staying in the moment and just enjoying that for now. Its all part of my own healing and growth.
Jean UK
I sleep with a laundry basket (full of laundry) "sharing" my queen-size bed. Reminds me of the person who used to sleep there...just taking up space and not warm or inviting.
Well unless they invent a pillow or laundry basket that burps and farts while im sleeping it will never be the same again Just think of it as going on a diet and losing 175 lbs..........and enjoy your lighter self. Eventually you will get to that point.
I think a lot of the timing of when to start dating again has to do with your feelings of detachment from your ex, and wether you were the leaver or the one that was left. You can be emotionally divorced from someone but living under the same roof for years before the papers get signed. In that case when you leave or even find someone else while you're still "technically" married I don't think you feel it as much because you've already moved on in your mind a long time ago. Of course if the other person in the marriage is ignorant of your feelings in tis regard the being left is very traumatic and can take a long time to get through. Also the fact that you watch your now ex spouse seemingly going on without any feelings of remorse or guilt makes your condition even worse in your mind. They already processed all the crap you're dealing with now, years ago. You just didn't see it or didn't want to see it in my case. Anyway, I better get back to my pillow Cheryl, lately she's been spending a lot of time with the sofa cushion and I think the two of them may have something going on......
Hmmm...Laughing...a good belly laugh...sure feels good. What an image...I'm very visual. Cheryl and the sofa cushion. LOL..That's really good. I'm going to have to keep a closer eye on my two pillows now. Well, actually, I sleep with four pillows, though only the two are body pillows. You know, a feather pillow for my head, the two body's..hmmm..Sven and Raoul...yeah..Sven and Raoul, then a fourth "extra". I'm greedy!! Wait!! Do I have to name the other two as well? I mean, they're necessary...always been there for me...you know. The other two, Sven and Raoul, well, they're new to the pillow pile. LOL
I'll share my story on the member board in the next couple days. Have been thinking about how to condense it, and write it somewhat cohesively. I have difficulty expressing myself these days...the MS and PTSD combination...MS lesions affect a part of my brain that make it difficult to communicate, etc. Hard pill to swallow for a former English teacher. I read and re-read what I write to make sure it makes sense. Make a lot of changes. Makes it difficult for me to talk with other people face to face. Even with my friends...who are very understanding.
I don't know how detached I am from my ex. I still feel so much hurt and anger about how he did what he did. I had talked about leaving him for years, but never had the courage to do it. When he walked out initially, I was devastated...fell apart. It came out of nowhere...well, nowhere I knew about. Contradictory? Can't sort that one out yet. I was the one left. Then I let him come back, but he never really "came back"...was just another body in the house. No connection between us. He didn't commit to a reconciliation...as Chris said his ex used to say, "I'm here aren't I?" was what I heard often, but no commitment as to working on our problems. Somehow, the "I'm here" part wasn't very reassuring.
Ooh...I hear Sven...no, that's Raoul. Must be time for bed. I am a little tired!! LOL
