...is the 19th birthday of my firstborn son. He is "celebrating" it as a Marine Reserve recruit in boot camp and it is the first time ever that he hasn't been home for his birthday.
His brother and I will be thinking of him today, as will his mother.
This is one of those days that comes in everyone's life as a parent and a child. But it is also one of those things that seems (no, really is) different in light of my divorce from his mother. If we still lived together, we'd be talking to each other about it, and I guess at times like this I miss the emotional and historical connection.
It wouldn't "cost" me anything to call her and tell her I was thinking about her (as well as him) today. However, I don't think I'm quite ready to be that "caring" and open with her yet. I tell myself (and those who will listen) that I am indifferent to her. The fact is I'm also afraid of having ANY emotional connection because most recently it has been so confusing, frustrating, and ultimately empty to do so.
Those who've been divorced for a while (I hope) can share some perspective with me.
<<The fact is I'm also afraid of having ANY emotional connection because most recently it has been so confusing, frustrating, and ultimately empty to do so.>> I'd rather see that as hard-earned wisdom, rather than fear, Chris.
I had to train myself, over and over, to not reach out like that to the HINO. I had to train myself in a new way of thinking and feeling. I had plenty of time to practice this, tho -- as he left in 2001 and I started divorce proceedings in the summer of 2003. Truly, for me at that point, the divorce was only a legal walk-thru of what had already happened. By that time I was pretty well-trained in not reaching out to him. In fact, I had some prety tight boundaries for while -- I wouldn't even let him in the house for several months before and after the divorce. I had to do what I had to do to feel safe.
Chris I hear you and understand what you are saying.
I wanted so badly on my ex's birthday to just call and wish him a happy birthday. Not because I still love him and wanted to talk to him, but to give my life some normalcy again. To establish that I acknowledge his birthday and that I wish him well and don't hold any grudges. (okay maybe a few lol) Plus for me it would have been just an ounce of closures in a world where I didn't get any. BUT I was afraid of what doors that would open up! Would he realize I have moved on and suddenly decide to reopen old wounds, would he hang up on me and refuse me closure yet again.........too many questions for a simple act of kindness.
I pity him and the day he wakes up and realizes what he gave up! Its funny Corinne (Smiling Frog) and Helen used to tell me that he would come back eventually and by that time I won't care because I will have moved on. I never used to think that was possible.........now I do. I hope to hell that is a sign of healing cause I am really tired of putting bandages on open wounds.
firstly congrats to your eldest on his 19th birthday! and to you remember all the good/bad and funny things about his growing up, memories of just you and your son and of the whole family together.
that is what memories are about, to reclaim the experiences we have had, we, might want to change some of them, but hey we cant. for your kids, even 19 yr olds, memories such as previous birthdays, daft things dad has done etc, form their history, cant change that, it is important for them, the good and the bad.
anyway in terms of sharing such dates. when my ex husband and i separated about 12 years ago, for a time we hadd to continue to share a house and a few years later he was homeless so came to live with us again. so very early on there were 'occassions' like brithdays etc.
we tried very hard after our separation and divorce to remind ourselves taht we were divorcing each other not the children. therefore kids stuff was still done together or at least discussed together. it still is, not always perfectly, but we try. as the kids get older they tend to make arrangements directly with their dad and i have to remined them and their dad, "hey i might have made plans for you - so lets discuss before we decide!". ex has learnt to ask "have you asked your mum?" etc etc haha.
we even discuss gifts etc, who is getting what. there were times that were awkward, particularly if over the years my ex or i had new partners being involved, but i would always introduce him and 'the boys dad" and vice versa.
with one of the kids bdays were initially a bit awkward because i was in an A when he was born etc, but we just focused on the day being his bday. god if we responded to all the dates that might be triggers we would both have gone crazy by now haha, even for different reasons.
i guess the other most awkward dates are mum/dad days. but we both helped the kids buy for hte other parent on those days. or ring and warn the other what the kids might be planning to get haha, eg "mike said you saw an ashtray with a kitten's head in it and wanted it for dad's day - is that true?" haha usually not.
our wedding anniversary was also awkward, obviously. i cant remember who first mentioned it after we separated. i think i might have said, "do you realise it is our anniversary ?" and he said "yeah happy anniversary". we said that to eahc other for many years, now i think we have forgotten haha, honestly.
i guess in some ways we have been pretty lucky, there certainly been bad experiences in the above ( like the christmas i told his mother to take a flying leep because she rang in the middle of the night to say the kids were bored and didnt like their presents or something and could i come and get them!)
but overall, it has been good, i have wondered sometimes whether he does this contact stuff because he still wants to be connected to me more than he can be or whether it is because he is just a good bloke focusing on his kids. who knows, who cares really. at least he does.
i guess just do what you feel comfortable with. if your and your ex would normally, every birthday etc say 'remember when johnny set fire to the shed and we thought he would never reach 18?" etc , then ring her and say "hey i was thinking you know every birthday we would say that stuff about johnny and the shed, hey he is 19 can you believe it". that might break the ice. but only do it if you want to. it doesnt mean you are trying to go back there, in some ways we are never away from our past relationships, especially as we have children together. if you are worried she might think you are focusing on her, say "i was thinking, just talking to johnny or going to ring johnny etc" as a lead into the conversation.
anyway, i hope these experiences help (mind you telling the ex mother in law to FO on christmas eve is probably not the best example haha).
most of all, if you cant or dont want to make contact with her, that is ok, but enjoy the memories for yourself and RING your boy, share them with him.
Your feelings seem understandable to me, Chris. Our X's are still the mother's of our children. Ain't nuthin gonna change that. Personally, I'm hell bent on undoing any emotional connection with my X. I guess you could say that's because recently it's been confusing and frustrating to do otherwise. There may come a time for establishing a cordial relationship but it ain't here yet.
By nature, I think I'm generally thoughtful, cordial, and polite. Of course, I have my moments...
However, there is one person I go nuts trying to have a straightforward and open relationship with. To her, I'm not real. I'm whatever she wants to see, and if I didn't twist myself to fit, WATCH OUT.
But I needed (and still need) acceptance.
And so, like Quinn, I simply have to close that door. She will never realize why, though.
My first marriage happened when I was only 22. We divorced on relatively friendly terms after 10 years, and for no real good reasons. We parted with mutual respect, and managed to remain friends for 6 years until he re-married which created new challenges I won't go into.
That was that.
This is a whole different deal today. It is damaging and down right pathological for me to have any contact with this current X(OW) team. I can not see or hear him without seeing/hearing her also. The experiences I had due to their mutual adultery was BEYOND-O.
Sometimes he tries to be nice. I don't like it. It feels invasive. Last week he sat next to me at a school function, but the damage from that man runs too far and too wide and too deep. I don't want him to come into my apartment. I wouldn't call him if I needed help.
I'm thinking that sometimes you have to cut your losses and run--kids or no kids. As my dear wise friend C.C. said to me a couple years ago, "Pay close attention to the integrity of your body RW."
How does that person make your body feel? I think it's good to note that.
My best friend's ex husband also remarried recently and they were very close buddies before he remarried but, he too, has grown very distant and different than he was before. I hear the stories and feel for her, it doesn't seem fair.
Chris
"fact is I'm also afraid of having ANY emotional connection because most recently it has been so confusing, frustrating, and ultimately empty to do so"
It is a very hard thing to be married to someone for so long and share so much and not feel something, even if it is empathy from me to my ex or not necessarily missing that person but missing being a married person with a spouse to keep you company. It's also hard not to fall into some of the same traps that you were in in your marriage when speaking with them. The one thing that I am grateful for is that I am getting better at nipping arguments in the bud with him. He tries often to start arguments over stupid stuff not anything important.
An example for me was that yesterday, I told him that I may be 15 minutes late to pick up the boys after he had had them for a weekend because of traffic on the way home from being out of town (this trip took 8 1/2 hours). He started telling me that I should have gone a different way and I wasn't even the one driving. I immediately said to him that it didn't make a difference which way we had gone because I was going to be a little late regardless and could not help it at this point. I said it was mute to even talk about it and it was in fact dropped. Maybe in the past I would have stated how the other way was more miles and may have been congested as well but now I try my hardest not to get into that.
It's the "why can't you get along/swallow your pride/etc. for the sake of your kids" argument, usually adopted by well-meaning "others", such as close friends and family.
As Quinn is fond of writing, we really don't know what goes on inside others' marriages, even with close friends and siblings.
So it's often difficult for guys like Quinn and me to explain (in answer to the "why can't you get along" argument) how we got thrown down the rabbithole so much...how we got manipulated...and how we want to avoid any further trips there.
Once one is highly "sensitized" and "allergic" to being one-down all the time, one's psychic "immune system" kicks in to react against the "irritant" that causes it.
