Of those of you that are officially divorced, and have children, as in my case, are any of you truly happy now? Is it possible after divorce? How do you move on from having a life with someone? Do people seriously want to date people with many kids and baggage, my family keeps telling me no, I think this is an effort to keep me in my marriage.

I have been married since age 19 and am now 28. You can read about my situation on the "discovery" and "further" boards. It just seems to me that my H is not going to change, he seems to be a serial philanderer, I think we will try counseling again but I do not have high hopes for that, a counselor cannot keep him from lying. Although I am not sure I can live without him. We have four small girls ages 7 months, 2 years, 5 years, and 8 years. I am miserable how things are now, since the affair I thought ended has not, and the time it lasted I thought was 6 months, I found out it has gone on for 2 years. Thanks for your time and thoughts.

E

I am sorry that you're in this awful, awful situation.  It is indeed a great trauma that you are experiencing and it will take some time to work thru.  How much time?  As much as it takes.  As long as you are generally moving forward in recovery (even the two steps forward and one step back....), it will be progress, no matter how long it takes.

In answer to your question, yes, I am happy.  And then I am sad.  Life goes on with both happy and sad times. (I.e., My dad died recently.)  But my life is no longer connected with my former husband's.  I wouldn't say that this fact makes me "happy," but it doesn't make me sad anymore, either.  I had an unrepentant husband.  I am content in my decision to divorce and I have no regrets about that.   I find my happiness in other ways.  

"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."  That's attributed to Abraham Lincoln.  And I think it's true, and it can be for you, too, once you work thru the initial traumas of your betrayal.

Yes, there is life after divorce.  It's a learning experience, but, as Kat says, "as you walk you make your path."

Jean

(First, I don't know why the font sized changed above, but I'm not going to worry about it.)

Okay, E, you asked <<Do people seriously want to date people with many kids and baggage....>>   Some people will date others with kids; some won't.  Some people will date others with "baggage;" some won't.  It all depends on what people see as "baggage" and what they will accept as part of the relationship package.  

IMO the best thing right now would be for you to just concentrate on yourself -- being the right person for yourself  rather than wondering about "finding" the right person.....   Surround yourself with friends who support you.  And take a look at your own baggage first and deal with that so that you will be better able to recognize someone else with baggage.  So that you can choose someone in the future to complement and enhance your life on your own terms. 

I have two young children.  My former H left in 2001, and the divorce was final in 2003; I'm just now getting used to the idea of meeting men.....  And right now I can take them or leave them.   

But I know, at least for me, after being so rejected by my husband, I did have the urge to be validated by another man -- but at the same time the idea freaked me out.  For now, tho, may it comfort you to know that there are "other fish in the sea" should you decide at some point that you want to divorce. 

Jean

Excellent post Jean . Everyone's baggage is different. So is how you respond to them as time goes bye.

SADMIDWEST, just focus on NOW. What do you want, need, expect? Not just in a relationship but from yourself.

Tex


Edited: typos (I'm beginning to think its the Donny Osmond curse )

E,

I am divorced and only have one 14 year old. It's still hard. Happy? Working on a long-term plan to increase stability, security, and hopefully happiness.

You can take that all for granted in a marriage--and then poof!

I don't know much about your situation but I question how your husband views his reality. For example, could he lose custody of his 4 children? Could he be paying child support (lots of it) for nearly 20 years? How would he feel about another man raising his children if he pursued his affair, and you re-marry some day?

My X has had a lot of reality checks since he visited a Super 8 Motel with Mrs Share-It almost 7 years ago. He has gone from a beautiful home, vacations, etc to a not so lovely apartment. He can't afford a vacation. His car is breaking down. He lost custody of his son. He hangs out at her house with her daughters but his family wants nothing to do with her. I have a new relationship, and my son is quite fond of this man. The X has to face this as well. I have the right to move out of state with our son. Lots of details here that he never considered.

It's harsh.

Your husband may not change as you say, but his situation could change radically until it is unrecognizable. He might want to think about that.

Sad:

Sorry you are here. I mostly lurk here now, but I wanted to respond to your message. I found out about my now-exH's affairs in July 2002, while I was pregnant with my son. Like your H, he was/is a serial philanderer who chooses not to change (the affairs, after all, were my problem and fault, NOT). I tried to stay and repair our 20 year marriage for the sake of our son, which he wanted so badly - or so I thought. After 16 months of crying, pleading, yelling and just about everything else - he continually demonstrated that he didn't want to be married in the same sense of the word as, oh, say most of the adult population of the western world. I gave up and left.

Was I sad? - you betcha!!!! Twenty-one years of marriage and 25 years of my life gone. Is was considerably older than you at the time - 42 going on 43 - my birthday was one month after I left then-H. I surely thought that NO ONE in their right mind (or left either, LOL) would want an over-the-hill, wrinkley, over-40 mother of an infant. Let's just say that my then-H encouraged this line of low-esteem thinking, as well as the popular media. Now, I laugh to think how WRONG all of "them" had been. Ya know, "women can't get pregnant past 35" (took me less than 4 months and I was traveling 5 days a week for work) and "women over forty are fat and ugly" (pardon my immodesty, I'm in better shape than most of the 30 year olds I work with even if I do bear a startling resemblance to Mr. Ed in a bad blonde wig) and "no one dates women with small children" (on that birthday one month later? I got a sitter for Jr. and went out on my first date in 25 years!)and so forth. Negative, wrong thinking, all of it.

Two years later, I am divorced. Yes, I have baggage. I don't know anyone who is an adult who does not have baggage. As I recall, most of start accumulating it in childhood and carry it with us for a lifetime. Can you say "child psychologists"? The trick is to remember to check that baggage with the bellhop when it gets too heavy - I did some individual counseling during the time of my separation and it went a long way towards re-establishing my emotional normalcy (whatever in the heck that is!) and recovering my shattered self esteem.

Oh, and I am happy. Especially around my ex. To him, I am HAPPY IN SPITE OF YOU CHEATING RAT BASTARD THANKYOUVERYMUCH. My teeth are in danger of catching cold I smile around him so much. I also don't let him know that I think he is a flying rat bastard, because I won't give him the satisfaction. Drives him nigh on crazy, which adds to my happiness, however twisted that may be.

But please note that this took time. And there were multiple ups and downs. Don't even mention my wedding anniversary please and I'm sure that July 3, the anniversary of d-day will be difficult this year but I intend to distract myself by keeping as busy as possible that day. And I look at my son sometimes and see his Dad and I get wistful -- but for what was lost and how it was lost rather than for my ex. Just seems like such a waste. <shakes head ruefully>

When you figure out what you truly want in life and discover who you really are then yup you'll be happy whether you reconcile or not. If there is one thing I've learned from all this is that it makes you dig deep within yourself. You have a strength in there you need to find. When you find it you'll realize its not about your spouse, your boss, future relationships or anyone else. You might lose a few battles along the way but you will learn to stand up for what you believe is right. Peace of mind goes along way to finding happiness.

Tex

Edited: typos

Sad

"are any of you truly happy now? Is it possible after divorce? How do you move on from having a life with someone? Do people seriously want to date people with many kids and baggage, my family keeps telling me no, I think this is an effort to keep me in my marriage."

I am happier than I've even been in my life without my ex, so yes!

I don't have 4 children but I do have 2 and one has special needs and this was a huge thing for me when deciding to get out of my marriage. I felt my son with special needs would suffer the most. The 3 of us are doing extremely well. I also wondered if anyone would be interested in me because of what they might think is baggage, although I've never felt my kids or even my special needs son is baggage. The guy I've been dating for nearly a year is absolutely incredible with both of my children, even better than my ex is sadly. After the first month and a half of knowing him, he learned all his letters in sign language (even before he knew my son) so he could start to be able to communicate with him. I have never met a more honest and decent guy in my life. I now wonder why I wanted to be married to such a selfish person all those years and think I was far too young to get married because I had no idea what to look for in a mate :>) We met back in high school, started dating at 18, married at 20 and were married for 15 years. I'm almost 38 now. I am now trying to finish a bachelors in IT, Business Admin. and will plug along until I'm done.

I know that not everyone feels good about getting out of their marriage but I do and will never regret it. There are good men out there still. I had been concerned about the lack of decent guys at my age and I've met several nice men who knew I had a child with special needs and still asked me out. There is life after divorce - if it comes to that.

Charlie :>)

Yes.

I have nine good friends who will attest that they saw it on my face, heard it in my voice, and saw it in my actions for a whole weekend together...confirming changes they've seen in me over a period of years (almost 4 now) contributing to these boards.

The life I had while married is over. I am broke, giving up my house and business, and moving into a rented house with my teenage son. As of today, I don't have a job after I close my business (though that may change tomorrow).

I have learned what is really important to me, and it is NOT having a big house, nice cars, money, vacations, a successful business, or anything else material.

What is important to me is having the love of family and friends, and doing something meaningful for (and with) others. Those things make me happy. I lost sight of that for many years while I was married. I have found it again, and I am pretty much at peace with who and what and where I am in life. I am rich in things that matter to me the most.

Right now, I couldn't care less whether I get married again. Being married isn't the goal of my life. Leading a rich and fulfilling life is.

Chris.

< Leading a rich and fulfilling life is>

Chris,

YES! And the great thing is we don't have to twist ourselves into pretzels to please an ungrateful spouse!

I'm starting to feel like I did when I was a kid, and when I graduated high school-unlimited possibilities!

MM, those are often my exact words: don't have to twist myself into a pretzel anymore.

Amen.

Chris.

ps. to E: I am reconsidering the possibility that I should have ended my marriage LONG before I did. My gut told me so as soon as a year and a half after we were married, but I ignored my gut then. Some people rewrite marital history to tell a story of "bad marriage" when it really wasn't. But I believe I have looked back in a fair way, and I know when the twisting myself into a pretzel started...and it was early on. I was young and dumb and had too much blind faith that "things will work out".

Now I know for sure (the hard way) that things WON'T just "work out" if my partner isn't willing to listen to my heartfelt concerns. I remember exactly the day and the time when my gut first told me that's what was happening, but I let my "rational" side and my native optimism and hopefulness overrule my gut feeling. Pushing down those feelings of being ignored led me to be an angry and withdrawn person for many years, and I ended up divorced anyway.

Not again. Not ever.

-C.

Sometimes we have to lose everything in order to find our way.

Yep.

"What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from....

And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."

(T.S.Eliot, Little Gidding V, "Four Quartets", 1943)

Chris.

Happiness isn't something that somebody else gives you, its something that you decide. It is a choice that you make. At the beginning it seems impossible to see that, but when you start wading through the water you will eventually see its not so bad.

What is the alternative............live your life and always wonder what he is doing, where he really is, who he is with. Yes you can recover and a marriage can recover, but not until he realizes he has a problem and takes specific action to address it.

p.s. I am seperated but don't have children.