Since that question was posted a while ago, it's been running in "background".

Perhaps it's surfacing now that I'm released from the house and business that tied me financially to my old life and ex-wife. A couple of weeks off between jobs may also be a contributing factor.

I had lunch Saturday with a friend, then met another friend for a beer yesterday afternoon. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of warmth and happiness, more than I remember knowing at any time (other than the birth of my sons). Not only have I made it through a very rough patch, my friends have stuck with me (when someone else didn't).

When I was new to these boards, I wondered (as many do) "where are the success stories?"

Well, I met a bunch of 'em in person, and it reinforced my own thoughts and feelings that "success" in recovery looks very different than I thought it would six years ago. It doesn't necessarily look like "happily married"...that's only one of the possible outcomes.

For me, success = becoming happy again.

It isn't a matter of saying three positive affirmations, or going skydiving, or any other outward "thing".

It is simply a matter of opening my heart to the world again when "logic" says I should keep it closed because of all the hurt and anger and difficulty I've experienced.

I have a whole new view of "The Monk Story" and "LET GO", and "Installing Love" really hit home with me.

Time.

A conscious choice to LET GO, to put down the burdens I was dragging along like the young monk.

Emotional maturity.

The love, caring, and support of family and friends.

And the realization that my happiness has nothing to do with my partner's bad choices or mistreatment of me. I cannot look to a partner to provide me with what I want or need. If only I'd listened to my brother-in-law (much older and wiser than me) years ago. But I wasn't ready then.

Chris.

This post belongs in our Forum Hall of Fame Posts list that we need to start.

Greater emotional maturity is the absolute best outcome of this life lesson.

Here's a little juicer toast to Chris. Here here!! Hold up your carrot, beet, apple, ginger, kale, parsley, cilantro, grape, and mango juice glasses!!

Quinn, you can hold up your pork juice.

bleeech.

I agree with RW. Great post Chris.

Tex

Hey Chrisotopher...

I'm happy that we survived and have grown spiritually. I think we are all much more compassionate, not only with others, but with ourselves.

TLMM

Chris sez: "It is simply a matter of opening my heart to the world again when "logic" says I should keep it closed because of all the hurt and anger and difficulty I've experienced."

Your honesty prompted me to process my progress with trust over the last month.

This sure is the key for me. When I am tempted not to trust, I discovered that if I look at my own trustworthiness, my fear of commitment, my past mistakes, the situation looks much different than if I just look at a partner's faults.

About a month ago I discovered this forum and posted my fear and discovery of what I felt certain was my guy's A and breech of my trust (woman's name on instant messenger and his reaction). The signs were all there (I was CERTAIN) except I had no real evidence. He insisted I was wrong. I went a little crazy thinking I had finally trusted again and look what happens..etc. etc. etc. I called everything off between us.

But, I really loved this guy, we were such great partners, could it be possible that my own fears were projecting into his behaviors? What about my own trustworthiness? I email and phone visit with a few guy friends. It is well known that I have a long-standing friendship with a married guy because of our mutual interest in music. I started to look at how that might look to my guy. Did that cause him insecurity, even though these other guys are only friends? He said the instant messenger woman was not a romantic interest. I reassurred him about the guy-friends.

Then I started reading about trust, looking at my issues with it, turning the mirror toward my reactions. I realized I needed some big time adusting in how I looked at my part in relationship if I was ever going to be healthy.

My ex guy and I began a friendship dialogue. I got honest, brutally honest, about my fears and about what I expected from a partnership/relationship. I was clear and set my boundaries (wow, is this hard work...such fear of rejection). He talked about his fears. We cried because we are both scared of the same things. We cried because we hurt each other. We did not blame or guilt trip each other.
Over the next few weeks we agreed on our "rules."
Being 50/50 about our commitment
Checking in with each other whenever we feel scared (reassurance)
Monogamy
No other dance partners
No game playing (witholding info, being unavailable, flirting)
No flirting on email
Opening our hearts to trust.
Creating a safe place for each other to speak our fears
(He knows I need to talk to process; I know he needs to have space to think about it first. He lets me talk and I let him think.

It's a little like walking a log over a flooded river...we are very careful with each other. When I get panicky I get a grip on my anxiety without going off the deep end. I force myself to think trust. If he is late I do not make a deal about it. When I do things with my girlfriends he sincerely wishes me well. Breaking old patterns is difficult work. I am happy to say that in my case I have plowed a deep row and it seems to be working. I find that my guy accepts me even more for my honesty. We are at a much deeper understanding than ever and our friendship seems so much more solid now. It almost seems we were acting out to see the other's reaction, or to have a safety net in case the relationship fell apart. We were our own worst enemies because of our issues with trust. Here I was thinking I was without fault, but in his eyes I was not very trustworthy either. Big epiphany for both of us.

This forum has been a great guiding light for me so that I keep my feet on the ground and my common sense about me. I am also inspired by the honest posts of others who have their own struggles. I just wanted to share this story about how we have rebuilt a relationship after a disaster.

Judy

To Chris: you have found the gate to "happy trails"... enjoy your journey...

To Judy: thanks for sharing...emotional maturity... yupe...

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Chris,

A heartfelt thank you. I remember feeling very much like you describe at different times throughout my life...my kids' births, growing/changing throughout my sobriety, and a continued/renewed sense of being grounded through awareness of a spiritual power greater than myself.

These days, I hang onto my own sanity (sometimes by threads) with those memories in mind...I believe - I hope - I'll feel that centered again someday. Once in awhile I give in to a sense of hopelessness that I'll never reach feelings of peace and contentment again. The reality is...I know better through past experiences...and by hearing such "success stories" as your own.

Anyway, it's a relief to know that progress comes...in time...as seen through the eyes of someone who has walked this road.

Thanks for sharing your growth with us. I'm grateful to hear of such a powerful awakening.

Oh, and still scared witless...but doing what I need to do regardless! LOL

Cindy

I never said the path wasn't scary, Cindy.



We each have our own Yellow Brick Road to travel.

Should I ever build a house...it'll be at the corner of Yellow Brick and Kansas, wherever that is.

There's no place like home.

Chris.

Now Christopher if you had told me you wanted to go bungee jumping it could have been arranged....yeeesh. We could have borrowed Emersom's truck while he was busy scrounging up tighty whities.....course just our luck the transemanission would fall out right there on dat dere road. I here its costly to repair them suckers!

"And the realization that my happiness has nothing to do with my partner's bad choices or mistreatment of me. I cannot look to a partner to provide me with what I want or need."



GOLD MEDAL STUFF RIGHT THERE CHRIS!!!!!!

congratulations (that sounds a bit daft) and big hugs to you, it is a revelation isnt it. the next step is living the above either as a single person or as part of a couple, either way it is a good way to live.

if we spend our lives having our happiness dependent only on another person, it will never happen.

hugs to you mate
kath